


Vendetta

by Hichanchen, SMUTSIS_maria



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hackers, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Complete, Criminal Masterminds, Forgiveness, Genius Hyungwon, Give us some hashtag suggestions, HIGH INTENSITY, HyungWonho - Freeform, Intern Hyungwon, Italy, Library Shenanigans, M/M, Moving On, Mysterious Hoseok, Office Sex, Smut, There's a lot of tension going on right here, They're both hurt, Top Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Trust Issues, Voyeurism, fluff (maybe), from both sides, just in a different way, this is hard, this story is super intense and very hot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:20:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 154,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23343853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMUTSIS_maria/pseuds/SMUTSIS_maria
Summary: A fateful meeting at night, an expensive lighter and a thousand questions turn into an emotional roller-coaster, interfering with a revenge that appears to be the only way out of an imaginary prison cell.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho
Comments: 70
Kudos: 150





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
> We are back with our newest story: **Vendetta**. We really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it. It deals with dark experiences and the inability to move on.  
> The story is already written and published and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
>   
> If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
> (Write us a brief dm so we can accept your follow. We decline if we don't get a dm.)  
> [INSTAGRAM](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
>   
>   
>   
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to take something precious with you.  
>   
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> Hichanchen writes Hyungwon, Shownu and Minhyuk  
> SMUTSIS_maria writes Wonho/Hoseok, Roberto and Matteo  
> As always a special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie and to Angie, who drew a really GORGEOUS cover for that work.  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful for every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly, it's THE SHIP)  
> (We also have another story on the way after this one, so stay tuned.)

CHAPTER 1

Mist covered his face in a thin layer of Milano rain. The water was evenly distributed over his nose, lips and jaw with several drops stuck in his eyelashes forcing him to blink a few times. That was particularly annoying since mist didn't care about whether he was wearing glasses and easily made its way past them. It successfully covered both his eyes and the thick lenses, making his vision swim much like everything else.

He would have preferred the drizzle to create a real mask on his face, perhaps a venetian one that may have been too bright and colorful but at least didn't smell like wet streets, soaked clothes and fumes from old cars. Then he could have escaped the weather and at the same time felt more anonymous while making his way through the dark.

Getting soaked wasn't unusual in February. The trouble was that foggy weather soaked you to the bone anyway even if you had an umbrella.

He used the sleeve of his puffer jacket to wipe over his glasses and sighed quietly at how it only smeared the water all over them and turned the barely lit street into a vision from a nightmare. The nearby church had rung its bell a single time, which meant it was one in the morning or quarter past. Way too late and he still wasn't home.

The metro closed at half past midnight, so he didn't even bother trying to catch one and opted for going by foot. Buses were an option, but he considered those a little too shady for his taste, especially at night.

_And walking towards Parco Sempione at night is a better idea?_

He sighed at himself and jerked at how loud it sounded in his ears. Nobody else was roaming around the area and one didn't have to live in Milan to know that the gigantic park in the city center was best avoided past daytime.

The fog and rain had already managed to fight their way through the fabric of his jeans and he felt several kilograms heavier than before leaving work. The fact that he stepped into a puddle right after leaving the building didn't help. The city center was old, so most of the pedestrian walks weren't sloped properly and water easily collected in the most unexpected places, creating traps for people that didn't watch their feet.

_Like you._

He hurried across the street, surprised that a few cars were still driving around. The park looked deserted, which was a good thing if it meant that he was indeed the only one there. There were no hard facts on why exactly the area was bad at night, but the people that spread the warning probably had their reasons.

_Or want the area for themselves._

He chuckled at the thought of couples hanging out at the park and making out to have their privacy. The weather wasn't optimal, but being surrounded by trees and a gorgeous Castello in the distance probably had some atmosphere. There was no way to see it with the fog, but on other days it was a sight to behold.

The ground was firm enough to not cover his sneakers in mud and he silently thanked the weather even if he had cursed it a few moments ago. The deeper he made his way into the collection of trees and (usually) cute paths, the darker it got. Bright lights were apparently a rarity in a park at night and when he almost left the trail by accident, he genuinely considered taking out his phone and using his flashlight. Only the fear of some creep ripping it from his hand and running off stopped him.

Had it not been foggy, the illumination could even be considered romantic. He returned to his hypothesis that couples used it to make out and began to walk a little faster, past some of the small bridges and the ducks that were there during the day but hid away at night.

He heard some breaking twigs a little further off and froze in place, not moving until he realized that it was a shitty survival strategy. Inhaling deeply, he forced his heavy legs to keep walking while convincing himself that birds lived in parks and were also able to break twigs. There was no reason for it to stem from a dangerous person that was going to stab him for no reason besides his decision to take an anything-but-romantic walk through the foggy park.

The adrenaline overpowered his calming strategies, so his heart was hammering as he semi-sprinted across one of the bigger fountain areas towards a smaller path that he vaguely remembered as leading him closer to home. It was difficult to tell with no light, fizzing rain and smeared glasses.

Right when he wanted to turn the corner onto a better-lit and broader path, something firm reached for his upper arm and squeezed it so painfully that he winced. A single tug by whoever grabbed him was sufficient to make his whole body fly against a tree trunk and pushed all the air from his lungs.

He gasped for air instead of trying to form a coherent thought, setting his priorities. Until he saw light reflect off a metallic surface very close to his face and breathing seemed much less important suddenly. He held his breath as whoever was holding him against a tree with a fucking knife to his neck grunted and ripped his glasses from his face, throwing them somewhere into the bushes.

_Shit._

He blinked, trying to make out the contours of the guy because the knife was too close to not see it clearly. He cursed his bad vision while knowing exactly that seeing things didn't mean he could save himself from somebody who wanted to stab him.

"Please don't kill me," he muttered, purposefully speaking with a slight accent in the hope that seeming like he didn't understand would let him get away unharmed. There was no reason for anybody wanting him dead, so the guy probably wanted money and he was too broke to be of value.

"Give me what you have and I won't cut that thin neck of yours," the guy hissed and pushed his knife a little closer to the spot where his jaw bone ended, just enough to feel the cold metal.

He blinked a few times while not allowing himself to move a single centimeter. He didn't even swallow, scared that the metal would sink into his skin otherwise. Simply humming, he fumbled with his warm jacket to lift it up and slide his hands into his jeans pockets where he kept his phone and wallet.

Without his glasses, he couldn't even tell the guy's basic features, nothing to recognize him by later and report him to the police. Hyungwon only knew that he smelled of cheap alcohol and had a fucking knife.

_What if he isn't satisfied with your twenty euros?_

His fingers were shaking so badly that he didn't manage to squeeze them into the limited space next to his wallet, repeatedly attempting it as he felt his sweat join the raindrops on his forehead. The guy was impatient, it wasn't a secret, even without glasses. The hand that pinned him to the tree got rougher and he winced from the pain of fingers digging into his shoulder and the rough tree bark.

Suddenly something happened as a blurry arm appeared right in front of his face, close enough for him to see that it couldn’t have belonged to the man who was trying to slice his neck and the cold metal disappeared from his skin, falling to the ground before the massive body joined it, making a dull sound. He swallowed and glanced up at the person that stepped over the body and took his hand, placing something sharp into his palm and turning around.

He blinked, not quite grasping what just happened. His fingers curled around the object in his hand, feeling the familiar frame and slightly deformed temples of his glasses.

_Did the guy just give you back your glasses?_

His body remembered how to move and he quickly fumbled with his glasses to return them to his face, ignoring the dirt at the edges to take a proper look around. Just as he thought the guy who attacked him was lying on the ground.

It was too damn dark to see anything properly, especially with the fog but a broad figure was turning around the corner that had been his goal before getting into trouble.

_Run, or he'll be gone._

He took a deep breath and sprinted, making way too much noise compared to the silence around them, breaking a few twigs until he finally reached the guy and held onto the sleeve of his jacket.

"Wait- you can't just run off," he gasped and tried to figure out why the dude had just knocked out his attacker without a word then continued on his merry way. "Shouldn't you call the police or… I don't know."

_God, what if the guy's dead or something?_

The man roughly pulled the sleeve out of his hold and glanced over his shoulder before shaking his head. “Shht. Go home,” a low voice commented before the guy who was wearing a black leather jacket and a cap that hid his face simply continued walking.

_What the hell is wrong with this park?_

He couldn't tell what freaked him out more, the fact that the guy had enough strength to knock somebody out just like that, the fact that he was wearing a simple leather jacket in February while hiding his face, or that despite all that he was nice enough to give him his glasses back.

"Wait- I have to go the same way," he called out and tried again, running the few steps to be next to the broad guy. He was taking his 'mysterious dude in the park' role very seriously. "We could go together."

When there was no reaction, he tugged at the leather jacket again. That had at least given him a response before, even if not a nice one.

“Scared?” the low voice asked and he saw the other man’s eyes briefly glancing at him from under the black cap.

_Is he making fun of you?_

"Listen, I just had a knife against my neck. I'm not too fond of random douchebags cutting me to pieces." He sighed and tried to wipe over his glasses one more time, making it even worse with smeared drops instead of single disruptions. "I didn't even say thank you yet. Thank you."

“Don’t run around here at night.” The guy didn’t seem very talkative and didn’t seem willing to show much of his face either. The only attention grabbing part was the way the man’s mouth corners curled up, even though he didn’t look as if he intended to smile.

"Because of that douchebag or you?"

Only after he asked, he realized that wasn't a particularly smart thing to say for somebody who wanted to stay out of trouble. There weren't many reasons for hiding one's face and the ones that he knew, made him pretty nervous.

“You must be scared. Don’t worry, he was drunk and I choked him enough to make him sleep for another hour or so. You can go home in peace. Still, don’t run around here at night if you aren’t looking for some excitement in life.” Pulling the cap further over his face, the guy glanced around as if he wasn’t sure where to go next.

_C-choking?_

He would have joked about excitement in life involving other, more pleasant encounters, but the part about choking caught him sufficiently off guard to feel the blood draining from his face. The guy had just choked somebody unconscious, without hesitation and knew for certain that the douchebag was going to stay out of it for about an hour. Maybe the info was meant to calm him down, but the effect was the opposite. Nobody could know that without having done it before.

_He seems to be quite familiar with the 'excitement in life'._

"Are you... lost?" he asked instead, hoping that wasn't a valid reason to be choked unconscious.

“No.” He didn’t even manage to blink once before the broad figure moved, at the same time he heard a dull metallic sound, and continued walking before almost disappearing around the corner with fast steps.

_Another knife?_

At first he wanted to follow again, freaked out by the noise, but there were already several meters between them and home was straight on. Something also told him that his company was anything but welcome.

_Do you have evidence that he won't knock you out if you get annoying? No? Then get the fuck away from here._

He swallowed and briefly considered going back and checking on the douchebag who had attacked him. It was a bad idea, mainly because he could wake up and actually cut him into chunks, thinking he was the one who fucking choked him unconscious.

_Bad idea. Very bad idea._

Feeling only a little guilty, he observed the blurry figure disappearing into the fog like in some movie. Once he couldn't see him anymore, he sighed and was just about to walk on when he stepped on something hard. It freaked him out enough to yelp and he instantly crouched to make sure nobody saw or heard him. God, why was this place so fucking scary? His heart was still so loud that he couldn't even tell if there were twigs breaking around him or not.

He glanced at the ground to figure out what he had stepped on, quickly grabbing it with his hand and standing up to speed-walk his way out of the goddamn area. Towards the bigger streets, there were more people, but none of them looked particularly nice, so he only walked faster.

_Enough trouble for today, just run._

Not a single proper breath entered his lungs until he finally stepped on the street that led away from Parco Sempione. His thighs and calves burned from running and he held a lamp post to calm down and stop feeling like he was being chased through Milan. Only when his lungs didn't burn anymore and he started feeling the cold weather making its way through his wet jeans and shoes, he relaxed and looked around. There was nothing with the exception of a few stray cars cruising around.

That was also the moment when he allowed himself to unclench his fingers and look at what he had carried all the way with him. It was a metallic object, silver and with something engraved on it. He had no idea what it was, only that it felt kind of heavy in his hand. Lifting it closer to his eyes he recognized a fancy version of a zippo lighter with some kind of armorial engraved on the front. It looked like the letter H.

'Hogwarts?' he thought and chuckled right after, letting his index finger brush over it. It was obviously not it, but the thought calmed him down a little. It seemed expensive, especially since it must have been custom made. He pushed the cap back once, enjoying the bright flame that immediately lit up his surroundings and the tiny raindrops around him. Enjoying the warmth and the light for only a second, he closed it again.

_But where did it come from?_

Thinking back to his embarrassing run through the park, he remembered the metallic sound that had scared him, reminding him of the knife against his neck.

_Did he drop that?_

A lighter didn't have to be anything special, but a custom made one could be a memory or a present from somebody important.

_It could be valuable._

He looked at it a little longer before slipping it into the pocket of his jeans with his phone. It was a safe enough place for now until he got home and could find somewhere else to take care of it until the next time he got threatened in a park again and met guys that choke others unconscious.

_Very funny._

Making his way through the drizzle that returned a thin layer of water to his face, he genuinely hoped that a zippo lighter was not reason enough to look for somebody and hurt them.

_

"What the hell happened to your face?"

His best friend leaned into his personal space by performing a swift turn around the grab bar he was holding onto, examining the area above his glasses intently.

Had Hyungwon not been close to death the night before, he might have interpreted the comment as a diss of his well-developed eye bags. They qualified for a competition of the deepest canyons on earth.

"Some douchebag ripped my glasses off my face and left a scratch because of the bent frame," he elaborated and hugged the grab bar that he was holding onto like to a precious child. After his adventure the day before he was suddenly thankful for being able to squeeze himself onto the metro and ride through Milan that way instead of roaming pitch black parks at night.

_Fascinating how easy it can be to appreciate the little things in life._

"Ouch," Minhyuk muttered and reached out to brush over the nasty mark Hyungwon knew was there. He had seen it in the morning while brushing his teeth. Since he never wore his glasses to spare himself the miserable sight, he had to basically kiss the bathroom mirror to examine it properly. It was a small cut that had swollen up a bit because he hadn't iced it. Maybe it was also going to change colors eventually, but for now it simply looked like he was roughed up a bit.

_Not far from the truth._

"I thought you were done with bullies taking away your glasses." It was meant to be a joke, but Hyungwon could tell that Minhyuk must have been concerned, still staring at the cut even though it wasn't all that bad.

"It wasn't really a bully. I'll tell you some other time." Grinning, he ruffled up Minhyuk's hair because his best friend hated it and squeezed his way past the crowded commuters towards the doors. It was his stop and while Minhyuk was going to the library to study, Hyungwon finally had a job.

_You're a next level human in this society now._

The exam phase had just ended which meant he had almost two months to show how hardworking he was and why keeping him at the small start-up company was a very good idea.

_The best idea ever._

One might have said that he floated towards the conspicuously beige building several streets away from the metro station. Hyungwon considered it conspicuous because it didn't look like any of the fancy skyscrapers in the financial district while it was still located within its area. Basically it was perfect to look fancy when his boss handed out his business card without them having to pay ridiculous rents.

The company was located on the fourth floor, without an elevator, and comprised of four rooms and a bathroom. Since there were no female employees and only 4 people working there in total, there was no need for another bathroom.

He hurried up the stairs while holding onto the freshly painted railing and approved of how welcoming it suddenly looked when there was no paint crumbling away at the edges. His boss was working hard on making the company more attractive from the outside and it was definitely working.

_Now if only you didn't look like you got into a fight._

Hyungwon belatedly realized that he should have put a patch over his scratch to hide it a bit, but now it was too late. He was a programmer and newbie, no customers saw him unless they entered his improvised office that he shared with Flavio. Only the boss had his own office and talked to customers. That guy also had the looks and the impression for it: tall, trim beard, styled hair and always well dressed. Had Hyungwon not been living in Italy since he was born, he might have considered him a typical Italian man. Like this, he was probably just the perfect Italian man.

_Less thinking of your boss and more walking up the stairs._

Once he reached the top, he was just in time to see Marco leave the office, grin in place and probably off to do his next assignments, far away from the office. Marco had the advantage of having amazing equipment at home, so there was no need to hang out around the office unless he was called in. That was also the only reason Hyungwon had a desk despite being young and still in university.

_Thankful for the little things._

The office was as busy as it always was around 8 in the morning, which meant not at all. The door to his boss' office was closed and Flavio wasn't in their shared office yet, nor was he in their improvised kitchen which was simultaneously the common and printing room.

"Ah, Won, great that you're here. Please come to my office." His boss smiled briefly as he appeared in the door frame to his office, looking as amazing as ever before he disappeared again.

Hyungwon smiled a little at the nickname while hoping that it wasn't anything too serious. Today was the first day that he was going to work fulltime, so maybe they were going to discuss how he could show his potential.

_Preferably to the fullest._

Throwing his shoulder bag next to his computer, he brushed his fingers through his hair, fixed his glasses and knocked on the door of the main office. A hum sounded and he made his way inside.

To his surprise his boss wasn't the only one there. He was behind his desk and talking to some guy that was sitting across from him. The new one had black hair and no facial hair as far as he could tell, broad shoulders and was wearing a black shirt. Lifting his gaze the dark eyes met his and the guy smiled, with a brief twitch in the corner of his lips.

_Why the hell would his lips twitch?_

Hyungwon only belatedly remembered the scratch close to his eyebrow and resisted reaching towards it just in time. The guy didn't look like a client, they usually met the boss in nice cafés but he also didn't seem like the type of guy that worked at an IT start-up.

_Only one way to find out._

He smiled back and felt thankful that he wasn't the only one sticking out because he wasn't able to grow facial hair without looking like he lasered random patches of his jaw.

"How can I help?" he asked after returning his gaze to his boss and regretting that there was no place left to sit down. It felt a little weird standing in the middle of the room, especially because he was pretty tall.

The guy stood up, as if reading his thoughts and stretched out his hand. “Nice to meet you, I’m Hoseok. Matteo told me that you are really good at what you do and that you will introduce me to the products you guys have developed so far and are in the process of developing, so that I can do sales later.” Again there was a smile and the small hand squeezed his firmly as his boss laughed and patted the guy’s shoulder as if they have known each other for a while. The fact that the new guy was calling his boss by first name added to the impression.

Hyungwon did his best to not feel bitter about it, but he had literally called himself a newbie minutes ago, so there was no justification to feel left out. The new guy was quite a bit shorter than him, but had the looks for doing sales. His smile seemed genuine and he could probably convince anyone to buy their products as long as he knew the basics about them.

_Which is what you're here for._

He had secretly hoped for some major task, maybe programming something new or adapting what they had to some other systems, but apparently he was going to show a sales guy the basics.

_So much for being able to prove yourself._

"Sure," he replied and squeezed back, feeling a tiny bit physically inferior because even though he was taller the guy had a grip like pliers. "I'm Hyungwon, I'm quite new here too, but I've worked on all the projects already. When do you start?"

Since the guy introduced himself by first name, Hyungwon assumed he had already adapted to their casual culture with the exception of 'Matteo' who was usually more firm on showing respect despite being easy going. Maybe it was also Hyungwon feeling too unsure at the company to switch to first names.

“Today,” his boss replied for him and smiled at the guy called Hoseok, gesturing for them to leave the office. “I will get Flavio to change desks, so you can form a team for the time being until Hoseok feels competent enough to start. You will have time to work on some conceptual tasks, but it’s extremely important to me that Hoseok gets the best support during his first few weeks.”

The black-haired guy nodded at his boss and glanced towards him before smiling again and saying that he was looking forward to working together. It sounded honest enough and Hyungwon knew that the bitterness was all his. It wasn’t the poor guy’s fault that he had started working and Hyungwon wouldn't get to be as productive as he had hoped.

_Maybe he'll be so good at sales afterwards that your boss will decide to keep you._

"I'll do my best," he answered and smiled at his boss, suddenly feeling a little better about the task. It seemed to be important enough to emphasize it. Fixing his glasses while hoping that at least his boss didn't see the scratch, he made his way towards the door again and gestured for Hoseok to follow him.

Hyungwon had never had to explain products to anybody, he was more the type to quietly code and have sudden breakthroughs which caused him to dance alone in the office with a cup of coffee. Communication was apparently key for this one, so he was prepared to do his best and teach that Hoseok guy everything he needed to know to wrap clients around his - surprisingly delicate hands.

That surprised him a little because usually a muscular forearm had similarly strong fingers attached to it. But maybe that was also a sales trick.

_Only that he could probably break your fingers with his handshake._

Entering the office he gestured around vaguely because there wasn't much to see, not really. "That's basically where I work. The desks are arranged to not disturb each other while working, but you can still discuss things if necessary. The desk on the left is mine and I guess you get the one on the right. Coffee is in the improvised kitchen to the left. That's also where the printers are. The other office room is across from here and you already know where the boss hangs out."

He threw himself into his office chair and spun around once before turning on his computer and watching it blink for a second or two before returning his attention to his apprentice. It felt nicer to think of it that way, since it meant he wasn't the newbie anymore.

"What would you like to start with?"

When his eyes met the gaze of the new sales representative, he recognized that he must have been staring at him all this time but quickly overplayed it by glancing at the desk and pulling the chair to the other side so they could sit next to each other.

_Is it because of your age or the fact that you look sleep deprived and roughed up?_

“You make verification software for the financial sector, right? What is your actual job? I mean other than explaining the products to me.” Hoseok sat in the chair and let the ankle of his right leg rest on his left thigh, rolling up his sleeves.

Hyungwon's eyes were instantly drawn to a bruise on the guy's forearm, looking a little nasty too.

_Maybe he was bonding with you over the fact that you both look beaten up._

"I usually work on software. There have been a few bugs that clients reported recently and I fixed them. I also have the assignment to make software work on every operating system, but that's still in the works. I'm not sure how much detail you want I usually sit here and type code into the computer." He grinned because he didn't know how familiar Hoseok was with programming. He didn't look really nerdy and whenever somebody asked about Hyungwon's job, they wanted a very brief summary. Returning his attention to the bruise on Hoseok's arm, he decided to comment on it. They had some ice packs in the freezer. "That looks painful. Sure you don't want to cool it or something?"

The way the guy’s gaze changed was a little scary, but he covered the change in expression with one of his smiles and brushed the fingers of his left hand over the spot. “It’s nothing bad, don’t worry. I was moving over the weekend. You should make sure to not get beaten up.” Hoseok lifted his index finger and pointed at his cut.

_An eye for an eye._

Hyungwon smiled because he should have expected a comment in return. He fixed his glasses and tried to feel whether it had gotten any worse. He couldn't quite tell, but as he wasn't burning up and suffering from a fever it probably wasn't infected.

"I'll do my best. The Mafia around here, they really hate guys with glasses the most," he joked and shrugged before logging into his computer and typing his nine character password. "It's already swollen, so it's too late to do anything about it. I'll just wait for it to fade and hope it doesn't get infected."

His comment made Hoseok chuckle and brush over his own bruise again for some reason. “I see you have superb skills and knowledge in medical treatment. Tell me about the software. Who is your target clientele, what is new about it, what is special, what does it have that makes it unique? What kind of bugs are there? Are they manageable or more severe and need continuous support? What kind of protection does it have, how do you deal with sensitive databases, how can one access it?” The way the guy spoke in his low voice, especially when asking all those questions mercilessly, reminded him of something but he couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. It had something mysterious to it, but wasn't deep enough to sound ridiculous like Batman did.

_He seems to know about sales, asking all the important questions._

"Well, the special bit is that usually when you have communication between two individuals, let's assume over your messaging service of choice, there is always a middle link that has to save the exchange. A server needs to receive the message you send, encrypt it to make it safe and then send it to the person that's supposed to receive it. Currently that's the only method of safe communication. The problem is if I have a key to that server, then I have access to everything. I can read your conversations in whole in addition to every other conversation that moves through that middle link." Hyungwon grinned because he was pretty proud of the stuff that his boss came up with, even though it was difficult to program and to maintain. "Now comes the magic. Obviously the same is done with sensitive data, it is encrypted but there is always a middle link. What we do here is, we get rid of that middle link. The data isn't saved anywhere collectively, so you cannot access it, at least not together with the encryption key. When our clients want to verify an identity there is a key that's created locally, only for them. Basically you can say goodbye to gigantic data breaches."

_Unless one knows the few weak points of the system._

Hyungwon opened the prototype he was currently adjusting and showed Hoseok how the basic interface looked. "That's how it looks to the clients, mostly click and drop to keep it simple and everything else happens in the background. The bugs are mostly things that pop up because it's new and it's doing its first few test trials. I usually eliminate them for good. Didn't have anything that reappeared yet. Ah- and stuff like 'the colors are ugly', but that's not my expertise. I just adjust it."

“I don’t care about the colors,” Hoseok commented absentmindedly as his attention was directed at the screen, eyes jumping to what he was clicking and typing. “So it’s a way to verify identities on demand without having an actual database where you can check who exactly verified what?”

"Exactly," he remarked with an even wider grin, proud of the links. "The only way to access it is to interfere when the link happens, but for that you would also need to have the key that is generated for the shared connection. The only exception is if you know how the key generation works and know exactly between which two entities the link is going to happen. That's pretty difficult and even if you know it's not a given that you get the data."

“I assume…” Hoseok’s gaze wandered towards his face and he lifted an eyebrow. “... that you know how to get the data.”

_Somebody has to check all the weaknesses._

Hyungwon pursed his lips briefly because that suggested there was a weakness in the system, namely him, but somebody had to know how it works.

_And that makes you an important part of the start-up. They can't just get rid of you because as soon as something is off, they'll need you._

It was a little shameless, but he was pretty desperate to stay. Making a system that was idiot proof, but left out sensitive bits in the documentation was the safest for now. Unless he suddenly died or something. In a fucking park.

"Well, somebody has to check the weaknesses, so I tried to interfere with links to see what one would need to make it possible," he replied eventually and took off his glasses to remove a blurry spot that kept him from seeing Hoseok's chest properly. It wasn't that important, not really, but it felt more complete that way and aesthetically pleasing.

“So, he gave me the jackpot I didn’t expect.” His newly found partner leaned back and crossed his muscular arms in front of his chest, smiling to himself for no reason whatsoever. “You are a hidden treasure I see.”

"W-what?" Hyungwon asked, feeling a little weird with a compliment like that only because he knew how to break his own system. Still, it felt nice to be appreciated. "I'm just a guy doing programming in a tiny office. It's important to know how your own system works. It's super safe, so you can promote it to clients that way. Use your smile and all."

He gestured towards Hoseok's arms and face before returning his attention to his screen because the boss had written him an email. It instantly popped up at the side of his screen and he was pretty proud of how quickly he usually responded. The content was a small bug he had to fix, again something about it being user friendly and not the core system.

"Is it okay if I briefly adjust a few issues with the boxes? Somebody apparently considered them not attention seeking enough and couldn't find them." He sighed and opened the source code of the newest version, finding the bit that needed adjustment.

“Please don’t let yourself be bothered by me, I will watch what you are doing and will ask questions if I have any, I think it’s the best way for now and I will learn the most that way,” Hoseok commented and continued watching the monitor and how he adjusted the code.

"But how familiar are you with programming? Does it make sense to you what I'm doing? The language isn't all that common, but the boss is a big fan. That's probably why I got hired." Hyungwon chuckled because he was lucky to have learned it. The boss had very strange interviews and had asked him to find five bugs he’d placed into a bit of code. Luckily he had found more than that and got the job.

_Because you're good at this._

Hoseok didn't look like he had a nasty interview while being challenged under pressure. Rather the two looked like friends and he got offered the job because they were close. "I can explain some parts if you like. Don't want to waste your time either. You could be wrapping clients around your fingers and stuff."

"I'm familiar with some things and unfamiliar with others. Just keep the information coming no matter what it is, I'm sure I will process it well and put it to good use." Again, the mysterious gaze focused on his face as the guy next to him seemed to pay attention to his every move.

_He could have also read you a poem by Attilio Bertolucci and you would have gotten the same amount of information._

Hyungwon swallowed down a sarcastic comment and focused on his work, adjusting the code and only commenting when he did something unusual. He wasn't really somebody to comment on what he was doing, especially when his fingers were much faster than his lips.

Sitting there, remembering his excitement from the morning, he really hoped that his two months without courses weren't going to be filled with having somebody look over his shoulder and continuously assess what he was doing.

He didn't have too much hope with the way a glint of fascination had appeared in those dark eyes, wiping away all formalities and meaningless smiles. There was only one thing explaining it.

_He knows that what you do is important._

There was something dangerous to it, because not documenting everything was bad and probably not something his boss would have approved of. It should have been a concern, but somehow it wasn't.

Secretly, Hyungwon packed the bits of appreciation up for days when there was less of it and did his best not to show how much he actually liked those compliments.

***

_You forgot that the weather in winter makes you want to bury yourself._

He grinned to himself and pulled out the heavy cigarette case out of his thick coat, glancing up at the foggy Milano sky. There was no need to look as he stroked over the engraved H and chuckled to himself before opening the lid and taking out a cigarette. The cheap lighter in his other hand didn’t feel right and he got angry again for being foolish and giving some drug dealer the opportunity to make money out of his recklessness.

_You could look in the pawn shops, maybe they sold it to one of those._

A sigh accompanied his thoughts because it was like searching for a needle in a stack of hay. It sucked that he had lost his lighter and the important piece of information that it harbored, but he couldn’t do much now and had to focus on his task at hand. It still felt weird to be talking to people so much, but he was doing well, making Matteo his friend in a matter of weeks and finding the jackpot of the company in the face of the cute nerdy guy who had almost gotten his neck cut by a drunk druggy.

_He didn’t recognize you. It would have been a shitshow if you had ruined the whole thing because you tripped over his glasses and got angry._

Exhaling the grey smoke that joined the fog around him, he glanced in the direction of the metro before closing his eyes and keeping the next puff of smoke in his lungs for a little longer. It was funny how he didn’t smoke when he was inside but started as soon as he was out.

_You didn’t want to be addicted._

During the past week the nerdy boy had explained to him how the software worked and Hoseok realized he had chosen the right company and the right person. It made so much sense.

_He is using him too, isn’t he?_

Roberto would have nothing to do with a person if he couldn’t use them for his own good and apparently it hadn't changed. Instead of making him miserable, the information made him chuckle and suck in another lung full of grey smoke that resulted in the feeling of dizziness in his body that wasn’t used to smoking.

From the corner of his eye, he could see a slim guy hurry around the corner and make his way towards him. A glance in the respective direction was sufficient to recognize long, dark hair that flew around the boy's small face and his big glasses with the transparent but strangely bent frames. Even if Hoseok hadn't been attentive, those glasses were difficult to forget.

_Those stupid fucking glasses almost ruined you._

"You're early," Hyungwon remarked as soon as he reached him and pointed at the beige building. "Do you have a key yet? Nobody is there this early, not even the boss."

When the boy's attention switched to the cigarette between his fingers, he pursed his lips in dissatisfaction. "I get that the air smells like wet dog, but that probably doesn't make it any better."

_Sensitive little shit._

“Oh, you are disturbed by that? I’m sorry,” he commented with a smile and kept his gaze on the curved frame of Hyungwon’s glasses as he tossed his cigarette into the provided bin. “I don’t have a key yet, I forgot to ask Matteo the last few times that we met, so I thought I would wait for you.”

"How did you know that I'd be early?" Hyungwon's lips pulled together at the mention of Matteo, but it could have also been the cold breeze that easily made its way through the smallest hole in one's jacket. "Shit, you haven't been standing here for long have you? I'm sorry for calling you out on smoking, I'd probably be rubbing my legs over the wall at this point just to stay warm."

_What a weirdo._

Brushing through his long hair, Hyungwon fumbled with his pockets and took out a collection of keys, opening the front door with it and gesturing for him to get inside.

"I had a pretty shitty morning because the metro was late and somebody vomited right next to me, so I had to get the stench out of the sleeve of my jacket at a public toilet. It's- not the best day." Sighing, the stick hurried up the stairs to the fourth floor before unlocking the door to the company office.

“I’m sorry about that. My place is within walking distance, so I forgot how to use public transportation and now you’re reminding me of why I should continue avoiding it.” He grinned and hoped that the black-haired stick-human would sit in his chair and click through the code instead of talking to him. He needed a coffee.

"Wow, walking distance?" A hint of envy was in Hyungwon's voice as he threw his bag next to his computer and placed his puffer jacket on top of one of the cupboards. "You must be bathing in euros if you can afford living around here. I guess selling stuff makes you rich."

_More like not spending money for one and a half years._

Making his way towards the improvised kitchen, Hyungwon fumbled with the tiny espresso machine and ground some beans before pouring them into the filter and placing two espresso cups under the dispenser. He looked like he did that frequently.

"Well, it's either that or I'm shamelessly assuming and you live in a huge house with your family that has owned the place for the past 200 years. But you don't really look like it, no offense."

“I’m an orphan,” he commented with a grin because people had intense reactions when he said that even though not having a family had its advantages like the fact that he didn’t have to share with anybody and could make decisions by himself.

_He substituted for your family and did his best to make you hate that word even more._

Hyungwon turned away from the espresso machine he had been staring at and leaned against the counter, expression not as shocked as Hoseok had expected it to be. There was a hint of curiosity and calm that hadn't been there throughout the whole morning, as if the topic switched the boy's attitude but without creating shock or pity.

"Do you say that with a smile so people shut up?" Hyungwon asked and grabbed his filled espresso cup before handing Hoseok the second one. "I helped out at an orphanage when I was still in high school and most of the kids there made sure to smile because they said the pity people had towards them was the worst. Pity without doing anything."

_No, you smile because people are idiots._

"I say that because people think that it’s a terrible thing that happened to me, but it’s simply the way it is for me, I don’t know anything else and looking at the families of the people I know, I don’t think that I missed out on anything precious. Thanks for the coffee.” He inhaled deeply and realized that he forgot to take off his coat. Putting the cup on the counter, he took out the cigarette case from his left pocket and placed it into the inside pocket because it could be closed with a zipper and took off his coat, letting it hang over one of the two chairs.

"I guess you're right. I also only know life with a bunch of siblings, so maybe it's different when you are a single child or when there is somebody else to take care of you as you grow up." Shrugging, Hyungwon pointed at the jacket he just hung up. "What was that box? Looked fancy."

_And that’s why your lighter is probably gone forever._

“It’s just a cigarette case. Looks fancy but isn’t.” He rolled up his sleeves, thankful that the bruise healed well and took the cup, emptying it in one go before stepping forward and making himself another espresso with practiced motions. Damn, coffee was one of those things that he had missed so much and couldn’t get enough of.

"Are you telling me that I'm not the only person in this company that knows how to use the espresso machine?" A hint of hope was in Hyungwon's voice until he sighed and emptied his cup before washing it out in the sink. "But I doubt anybody is going to ask you to make it. The difference in employment status."

As soon as the cleaned cup joined the others, the boy made his way back to the office and Hoseok could hear him clicking away, probably resuming his assignment from the week before.

He enjoyed the few minutes alone as he sipped on his espresso and wondered if it would keep being so tiring to talk to people all the time or if he was simply out of practice.

_You did it so well before._

Well, but then again, his talking and openness broke his legs in the end, so that couldn’t be the right strategy. After he washed his cup and entered the office, he placed his coat on his chair that stood next to Hyungwon’s and sat down, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “They all know how to use the machine, they’re just assholes using the fact that you’re a student,” he commented because he had seen Flavio and the others make themselves coffee just fine. As usual, just garbage humans around.

"Oh, the boss told you that I'm still in university? I kind of hoped that it wouldn't be spread around because I can see how my credibility fades with that knowledge. Flavio had been only joking about my age, but now he has all those creative Italian words about how 'infantile' I am. Fun stuff." Hyungwon didn't turn around and continued typing something. He was very focused and only rarely bothered to look at him while talking, preferring to examine code instead. "I'm also not fully employed, more like a 'helper', you know? So I don't have much say in this if I want to keep the job."

“Mhm. It’s not because you’re a helper. It’s because even if I threw them all into a meat grinder to combine their skill, the resulting burger would still not be as good as you are and they know it.” Hoseok kept his eyes on the code because it was the most interesting part, especially with how creative the stick-human was in what he was doing.

"If you didn't look like you despise the entire human race when nobody's looking, I might think you're trying to get into my pants," Hyungwon remarked while still not bothering to look at him and merely reducing several lines of code into a single one to speed it up.

_More into his code._

“Is this how you nerds do it? I compliment your skills and you think I've got the hots for you? I don’t see how your skill has anything to do with your pants apart from the fact that they’re too loose on your hips and you need a belt, so if I wanted to get into them I would just need to wait until they fall down all by themselves.” He grinned because it was the truth and pulled one leg under his butt because the continuous sitting gave him a feeling of restlessness and a backache. The chairs were the worst.

This time his reply was apparently worth a glance in his direction and a lifted eyebrow that he only saw because it ended up above the boy's glasses.

"You're pretty assertive and specific for somebody without such intentions." A smile spread Hyungwon's lips and he returned his attention to the screen. "I don't consider you a nerd, so I'm still expecting all the creativity that flirt culture has to offer."

_You’re not here to flirt though._

If stick-Hyungwon needed somebody to flirt with to show him all the crazy coding shit that he had done with that verification software, then so be it, but he didn’t really look as if he was the flirty type.

_Aren’t you sick of flirting with Matteo already? This is fucking tiring._

Because he indeed wanted to get into Matteo’s pants whereas the thing with Hyungwon had not even crossed his mind once.

_Maybe because he ran after you all scared._

“I don’t know, would it pay off?”

There was no reply at first as the boy furiously adjusted something and made a comment for himself to examine that part later in more detail. Hoseok could see how Hyungwon's bottom lip disappeared from sight shortly before he got his reply.

"What would be the point if you know the outcome in advance?"

_Deciding whether to invest any effort or not?_

Instead of replying he hummed and pushed any thoughts of useless encounters to the back and examined the way Hyungwon worked. It was definitely a better investment.

"You obviously don't have to try if there's no excitement in the process. I'm perfectly happy with working silently, that's what I've been doing for the past six weeks." How easily the boy found little bugs and improvements for the code was fascinating and if he had done all this in the past six weeks that meant he was more than enough to figure out the system. The only problem was that beating it was nowhere in the code, as if that was a secret that Hyungwon had purposefully left out of the documentation.

Steps behind their office door suggested that it was late enough for others to come to work. Judging from his experience over the past week it must have been Matteo.

“I know. But you seem intrigued,” he commented and got up to walk towards the door and open it right when Matteo’s perfectly clean leather shoes appeared in the hallway.

“Hey, seems like you didn’t go home immediately yesterday,” he commented and wiggled his eyebrows, pulling at the door, but not enough to close it. “I would have stayed, really, but I wanted to be here when Won started, so I decided it would be better to get some sleep. Would you like to meet up later?”

“It can’t be your age,” Matteo replied and laughed loudly before reaching out and wrapping his fingers around his bicep. “Sure, do you want to go for some pizza beforehand? Eight?”

“Sure, I know this tiny restaurant, it’s the best you will get, I promise.”

“Awesome, looking forward to it.” Matteo squeezed his arm and winked before making his way to his office.

_Why would you waste time flirting if you can do so much better?_

He returned to his spot on the chair and pulled one leg up as before without saying a word.

Hyungwon didn't comment on his return either, but the boy's shoulders seemed more tense for the next few minutes as he answered a few emails and muttered a few explanations about what he added to the code. Only when Hyungwon decided to write a new component to the program and seemed to utterly forget time, the lunch break and the noises behind their office door, did those broad shoulders relax again.

_Looks as if nerdy can’t take care of himself._

Hoseok stood up and walked to the kitchen, making an espresso and returning to the office that was filled with typing noises and Hyungwon’s regular breaths.

“You sure that you won’t just die face planting on the keyboard?” he asked and placed the cup next to the long bony fingers. “I wanted to get something to eat. Should I get you something too, or do you want to come along?”

_Don’t come along._

Hyungwon turned around to look at him and glanced at the clock above the office door right after.

"I'd prefer to finish this. I wasn't kidding when I said that you look like you detest humanity when nobody's looking. Please enjoy the time on your own." Smiling briefly, the boy fixed his glasses and took a sip from the espresso in front of him. "Thank you. I'll write in my diary that today was the first day somebody made an espresso for me."

_But if he doesn’t come along, you won’t know what he did when you were gone._

“But I want you to come along. As an exception.” Hoseok took the fat jacket from the cupboard and placed it over Hyungwon’s shoulders. “I’ll feed you some superb tagliatelle.”

"Have you realized that the system breaks down if I die?" the boy asked him and chuckled before throwing his computer a last desperate glance and putting it to sleep. "One doesn't need a lot to survive when one barely moves. Did you know that turtles can survive months without food?"

Hyungwon stood up and slipped his thin arms into his jacket that successfully hid how slim he actually was with the exception of his legs. "I never go for lunch usually. There's probably just businessmen around here looking fancy in their suits and complaining about the wrong brand of sundried tomatoes. But that's just prejudice though, I'm ready to be proven wrong."

_Well, right now he's the one complaining._

"Don't you know about socializing? You need to go out and share unnecessary details about your private life with your colleagues so your boss has the impression that you're part of the team." Hoseok took out his cigarette case and put one behind his ear before returning it to its previous spot as he stood and waited for Hyungwon to finally complete his attempts at camouflaging the fact that he was indeed a stick.

"I am familiar with that concept and I did it a lot in the beginning. I also don't take myself too seriously, but at some point it can get tiring when jokes are mostly made at your expense." Shrugging once as if to forget the topic, the boy hurried out of the office and towards the staircase. "The boss is really nice though. He quickly gave me cool tasks and things to challenge myself with. I learned a lot. Do you like working in sales?"

"No. And regarding the jokes please refer to the burger metaphor from before." Hoseok put the cigarette between his lips, looking forward to the grey smoke filling his lungs.

"Thank you," Hyungwon replied quietly but didn't say anything else as they finally left the building and the boy next to him stretched his arms and legs before taking a deep breath. "Why would you make an exception for me if you prefer to be alone?"

"What do you think?" he asked and pulled out the cheap plastic lighter to light the cigarette and got angry again for losing his precious one.

"Either you think I am decent company or you don't want to miss anything when you go for lunch and leave me behind." Hyungwon grinned and fixed his glasses as he followed him across the street and around the corner. "I do find myself pretty funny, but somehow I have the feeling that it's the second. My guess is that you're curious about the code and don't want to miss anything. I understand, but I'm also curious why you're doing sales if you like code so much."

_That's way too many questions._

"Nope. You're just hot, so I'm going to eat tagliatelle and look at you." Hoseok took a deep drag and smiled at his own words before exhaling the smoke that didn't get absorbed by his lungs.

"Liar," Hyungwon whispered next to him and kicked a squished Coke can that flew several meters before hitting the side of a garbage can. The black-haired boy fixed his glasses and hid his hands in the pockets of his jacket to keep them warm as they made their way through the busy city center of Milan, surrounded by people on their lunch break while still having loud conversations over the phone.

"Why? You think it's unrealistic?" he asked and couldn't refrain from blowing some of the cigarette smoke into Hyungwon's face. After a few steps he grabbed the boy with both hands and turned his slim, stick-like body into the direction of the tiny restaurant he planned on going before placing his cigarette between index and middle finger and taking a drag.

"You're not really helping my efforts to stay abstinent," Hyungwon remarked after blowing the smoke back towards him with thick lips arranged in a pout. "I would believe you if you had met me in different circumstances, preferably not when I'm dressed in comfortable clothes, lost in coding and looking like I didn't sleep. I'm handsome, but one needs to see past a lot of things to appreciate that." A brief gesture towards the boy's attire and glasses followed. "You appreciate my skills, not my looks."

_What's with all that confidence?_

"Looking hot doesn't need much effort, but having extraordinary skills does, so of course competence is more attractive." He grinned and walked to the closest bin to discard his cigarette butt. He took the few seconds to observe the tall guy but there wasn't anything overwhelming about him unless when he pouted maybe.

"That's why I'm still here," Hyungwon replied and grinned back, eyebrows lifting up over the frames of his glasses. "You have skillfully identified my need for appreciation and feed it to me in small bites, so I keep wanting more. What can I say? I'm starved."

The boy's eyes seemed attentive behind the thick lenses of his glasses and he watched him for a few seconds before opening the door to the small establishment. Hyungwon chose a small table in the back. It was close to the window, but far enough to not be disturbed by the conversations of others and waiters hurrying past them.

_He likes praise, huh?_

It was a good thing to know, especially for later when he would need Hyungwon's help.

He took off his coat and put it on the bench next to him and nodded at the waiter who rushed over. He ordered Salmon tagliatelle and waited for Hyungwon to look through the menu. "Should I order for you?" he asked when he started getting nervous because nothing was happening.

"Huh? I was just trying to read everything. I'm allergic to a few things, so I just make sure they aren't included. I'll take the sundried tomato one with goat cheese," Hyungwon commented and lifted his gaze from the menu before putting it on the table. "Do you come here often? It seems like a family business."

_You did._

"No, but I know that they have good food. Matteo told me that you aren't a permanent employee and will only be here for the next two months. I guess I was lucky." He thought about what kind of idiots worked at the company and wondered how they managed to sell anything. Hyungwon seemed to be the core of the whole business and it explained why it worked. Matteo was good too, but more with his ideas and not in their development.

"Yeah, the semester just ended, so I hoped to prove myself in those two months and get something permanent. At first I thought teaching you would be a setback, but you're quiet and don't ask many questions, so thank you for that. I hope you are getting the information you need." Hyungwon played with a strand of his hair by curling it around his index finger until he simply brushed it behind his ear and leaned back on his chair. "As soon as the semester starts I'll have to go to lectures again. But I'm not the only one at the company. The boss is really good, especially in sales, so I'm surprised he didn't teach you himself."

_Setback?_

"I was the one who asked for you, but sure, whatever you say." Hoseok was wondering what kind of genius shit he would've missed if he went alone and whether it was really worth hanging out with a nerdy software developer at some restaurant.

"Reached your human interaction limit and regretting your choices?" Hyungwon smiled and curled his rather big hands around a candle that the waiter had lit for atmosphere and because the place was rather dark. "You should have asked the boss, he seemed very _intrigued_ about your company."

"I'll see him in the evening, why should I ask him now?" Hoseok inhaled deeply, closed his eyes for a few seconds before opening them and smiling genuinely. "No. I enjoy your company, I'm simply a little impatient at times, I'm sorry about that." _Annoyingly smart stick human with fat lips,_ he thought.

His efforts must have paid off as the expression behind those thick lenses changed and Hyungwon nodded softly.

"It's okay. I'm also constantly thinking about the fact that I have only two months to make the whole thing work on more than just Windows and it makes my fingers itch." The boy wiggled them with a grin and removed them from the table when the waiter brought their dishes. "You seemed rather close with the boss, so I thought it's the type of relationship where you try to meet as often as possible."

"We'll see about that," he commented, turning his tagliatelle around the fork and putting it into his mouth. "Why? You'd rather be the one meeting him as often as possible? He has a boyfriend though."

_And that's the reason why you want him._

"I didn't even know that he swings that way," Hyungwon replied with a chuckle and quickly wrapped some tagliatelle around his fork before stuffing the whole thing into his mouth. The only reason it didn't look messy was the fact that the boy had a ridiculously big mouth once he opened it. "Then he can be all happy with his boyfriend. You two must be close for you to know all that."

"Having a boyfriend doesn't have to mean that one is happy, but let's say that we're close. But you-" he pointed at Hyungwon's lips with a grin "-have a gigantic mouth, mister. You should write that into your CV." Hoseok chuckled and continued chewing.

"And…" Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow, smile still playing around the corners of his full lips, "... why would that be a relevant skill for employment?"

Hoseok could observe a hint of deep brown eyes above the curved frames of the boy's glasses. Wrapping another portion of tagliatelle around his fork, Hyungwon opened his mouth and closed it further up on the handle than was strictly necessary. The demonstration didn't suggest width, but depth though. Once the fork slipped out from between the boy's lips, he returned to chewing deliciously.

_Really?_

He also lifted one eyebrow and licked the salmon sauce from his lips. "You look as if there's some skills behind it, so it would be a waste not to mention it," he elaborated and kept his gaze on Hyungwon's eyes.

"Skills need challenges, so I usually don't bother mentioning the ones I can't develop further." The boy in front of him sucked his lips into his mouth, showing what a major role they played on his face as they reappeared and another full fork disappeared between them. "How's the salmon?"

"Delicious. I like your confidence, it's cute." Smirking briefly he licked his fork and put it onto his plate shortly before calling the waiter to pay. "Did you like the food? Or was it not worth coming out of your cave?"

"It's really good." The smile wasn't playful but genuine this time as Hyungwon finished up his portion and even licked the last bits of sauce from his fork and spoon. "Well, who is going to praise one's skills if not oneself? When you can't show them, you got to spread the word somehow. Thank you for inviting me and showing me this place."

"No worries. I hope that you can show me some of those skills of yours in return." Hoseok took out his cigarette case and placed it on the table as he paid and put on his coat, only to see that Hyungwon was staring at it.

_Maybe he misunderstood the skills that you meant._

"Your code writing skills," he added and took the case, placing one cigarette between his lips and making his way outside.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 2

The two months of full time work that Hyungwon had been looking forward to throughout the whole semester were developing in some unexpected directions. First, he didn't get his permanent contract after those six weeks the way he had hoped and second, the boss gave him a buff sales guy who mostly sat next to him while giving him sneaky and unfortunately also very effective compliments.

_You're starved for appreciation, that's what happens._

Compliments made him more willing to communicate, so when he could tell that there was more tension in Hoseok's body he had tried to loosen it up with some playful banter and jokes. Hyungwon hadn't really expected Hoseok to inquire whether flirting with him would eventually pay off as a consequence.

_Straight to the game, huh?_

He didn't think too much of it because the amount of playful comments he had heard recently was too damn high to take each of those seriously. Maybe that was also why he had chosen the playful path instead of literally any other to get to know a colleague.

_Maybe it's also because he considers flirting effort but shamelessly goes all out once your boss walks through the door._

Hyungwon wasn't hurt or upset or anything. Hoseok and 'Matteo' seemed close and it was difficult to compete when one's interactions consisted of assignments, changes in coding requirements and brief remarks when they met in the hallway on the way to the espresso machine.

As a realist, there was no point in dreaming up possibilities when there were none. Hyungwon was dressing comfortably and focusing on his skills as a programmer and for anything else he would have had to invest different efforts. Efforts that might cost him greatly before he signed a proper contract.

_Who knows, maybe that's their method to keep you working like crazy? Carrot hanging right in front of your nose, but never close enough to bite into it._

Instead of the carrot, he was biting into some delicious tagliatelle, a place he definitely had to remember and show to Minhyuk some other time. The prices were also acceptable for the city center.

_Question is why he decided to take you along._

Hoseok was a very confusing fellow. At first he seemed very social and welcoming, smiling widely and laughing a lot, but as soon as nobody was looking it seemed like the guy's battery ran out. Hyungwon could see it on his face when one of the other guys commented something stupid or after an especially long talk with the boss. It didn't really make sense because while he was talking, the new sales guy seemed perfectly content, but as soon as he was done with it one might have thought he had just been forced to sacrifice his first born child.

The only reason Hyungwon had decided to come along for lunch was because Hoseok had used his weakness, spreading praise and appreciation into his wounds and making him tag along instead of creating an adapted version of the software.

_He also lies so easily._

Hyungwon didn't consider himself ugly, far from it, but it was a pretty far stretch to call him hot when all Hoseok had seen was his back turned towards his computer with 'too loose pants', casual clothes, wild hair and his glasses. He knew how to dress to impress or to show off what he had to offer, but that was not it.

_Which is why it's your skills that he likes._

The one who had a gorgeous combination of both skills and looks was their boss, which was probably the reason his lunch companion was investing so much effort.

_He sounds like he wants to steal him away from his boyfriend 'cause he's unhappy._

Most of that info was new to him and somehow he doubted that he was meant to know it. What his boss preferred and who he dated was his business and Hyungwon was going to focus on his performance until the day he was finally offered a decent contract.

_Until then you will be nerdy and competent but definitely not hot._

Only Hoseok's comment about the size of his mouth got to him a little. They had reached a stalemate in their conversation and for a moment there was the expression of utter exhaustion and dislike for humanity on the other man's face. Since it disappeared as soon as Hyungwon mentioned it, provoking was his best option to keep the dissatisfaction at bay.

_Do you want to be decent company so badly?_

Being playful was his way to relax the atmosphere and it seemed to work with the muscular guy, even if it hadn't back at the office. Those broad shoulders lost their tension as Hoseok paid and placed his cigarette case on the table.

Hyungwon had already developed a dislike for it because it reminded him of how difficult it had been to quit, only to have somebody constantly smoke next to him.

_But your struggles aren't his fault._

He slipped his arms into the sleeves of his warm jacket while still observing the cigarette case. It was delicate and looked expensive, even though Hoseok had suggested that it wasn't. When his eyes passed over the rounded edges to the top, Hyungwon suddenly recognized a familiar pattern. Right there, on the lid of the case was the same engraved sign that he had discovered late at night in a park where he shouldn't have been.

_It's the same 'H', no doubt._

His eyes widened and he hurried to zip up his jacket, unwilling to show Hoseok how much the discovery got to him.

_Is this the same guy that choked somebody unconscious and didn't bother to talk to you?_

Hyungwon still remembered the low voice and how rough it had sounded, a black cap, dark eyes and lips that curled in a funny way.

Hoseok's remark that he wanted to see his programming skills pulled him from his stupor. The comment hadn't been necessary as Hyungwon wouldn't have expected anything else. He wasn't stupid and the fact that the bulky man who apparently ran around dangerous neighborhoods at night and choked people wasn't interested in slipping anything between his lips was more than obvious. Hoseok liked his coding skills.

"At least you're honest this time," he remarked and used the moment to examine Hoseok's face. The guy was broad, just like his memory from back then and even though Hyungwon had seen the new employee smile much more often, most of the friendly impression did indeed stem from curved mouth corners.

_That's why it looks so genuine, because his mouth is formed like that._

The thought was uncomfortable and the zippo lighter that he had found and kept carrying around suddenly felt like it was burning its way through his jeans.

_Why is this making you so nervous?_

Maybe it was the fear that the guy had recognized him and therefore decided to spend time with him. Wasn't it strange that one day after getting almost chopped into pieces, the guy who saved his ass suddenly appears at his teeny tiny start up and specifically asked for him to explain the products?

_Fuck._

"Are you okay? I don't think I said anything weird. But I can also not say anything at all, it's an easy task." Hoseok took a deep pull on his cigarette, keeping the smoke in his lungs and closing his eyes briefly before exhaling all at once and starting to walk in the direction of the company.

_Don't be obvious._

"No, you were just being honest instead of lying that you find me hot. I appreciate that," he replied and fixed his glasses, suddenly remembering how they were pressed into his palm.

_He's probably still lying because why the hell would he come all the way here for your coding skills?_

His colleague with an exciting life smiled and glanced at him, purposefully blowing the smoke in a different direction and away from him this time. "You appreciate honesty? I think it's tricky because you actually never know whether somebody is lying or not. You can just assume, but that's not a reliable source."

_Is he really going to discuss your assessment of whether people have the hots for you?_

"You're probably right, but there are behavioral cues, aren't there? When you find somebody hot, you act differently, but your behavior shows no signs of that. So let's happily continue coding and not bullshit each other." They reached the beige building and he unlocked the door, fumbling a little longer than usual. Hopefully, it looked like his hands were frozen and he lacked the coordination skills.

"Are you nervous because you think that I don't find you hot or because you think that I do find you hot?" Hoseok stubbed out his cigarette and threw it into the bin before entering the building.

_No, because he fucking choked somebody unconscious._

His eyes widened briefly as he remembered the bruise he had discovered on Hoseok's arm the first day.

_He had looked dangerous when you asked him about it._

There was no way in hell that the guy hadn't recognized him, not with the glasses, the cut, the fact that his face was pretty memorable too. In addition, he didn't look like the usual Italian man, not at all.

"Neither. I just stopped smoking not too long ago and you're making it a little difficult to keep it up." It was a half-truth and should have done the job as he followed Hoseok up the flights of stairs to the offices. "But how did you actually end up getting the job? The boss wasn't looking for anybody."

"Suspicious? I met your boss in a bar, I had a long Island iced tea, he had a margarita. He found me fancy. I told him what I do and he asked me whether I would be up to working at an IT start-up. I was bored and said yes. Nice to meet you." Hoseok took off his coat and glanced at his own desk. "I will do something else for the time being so you can work in peace. I will join you later."

Hyungwon stared dumbly at the way the other man hung up his jacket and turned on his computer, preparing to work. One might have thought that Hoseok was pulling back because of his questions, suddenly having work to do on his own instead of constantly looking over his shoulder.

_But he must have met the boss a while ago, otherwise he couldn't have been hired already._

Unless it was another lie to calm him down. Hyungwon was really not a fan of conspiracy theories, but after what happened in the park it was difficult to look at Hoseok's biceps and not imagine them around somebody's neck.

_But he saved your ass from becoming spaghetti._

That was probably true, but Hoseok had also been rough, joked about him being scared and told him not to run around the park at night. Basically all those things Hyungwon disliked to hear because they were associated with people judging him by his looks.

_But he's right that you would have been dead, or poor._

He couldn't really tell what would have been worse sometimes.

Sighing, he took off his jacket and woke up his computer from sleep mode. The good thing about programming was that he could forget himself in it, stare at code and how it works and not have to be worried about a random guy who started at his workplace and might have been after him like in some shitty mafia movie.

_But why would he want you? Think clearly. There's nothing you can give him except for that lighter and he could have just squeezed it out of your hand while applying a little bit of throat pressure._

Basically, he was being paranoid which was not only embarrassing, but also distracting him from his goals.

"Alright, but I'll refrain from commenting on how reliable it is to recruit employees after cocktails," he answered eventually and hunched over the keyboard to type away where he had left off.

"I guess you think I'm incompetent because I sit around and stare while you type in code. You can think that, I'm okay with it." He could see one of Hoseok's dark eyes next to the screen across from him and it was definitely scary enough to look away.

_No, you just think he's fucking creepy to suddenly start working here because he was 'bored'._

"Actually with that smile of yours and your social skills, I'm sure you are amazing at selling things. I don't doubt your skills, only the method of recruitment."

_He's probably also amazing at knocking people out with those arms of his. Is that also something that 'Matteo' hired him for?_

Now that he thought of it, his boss did have the looks and personality to be involved in some shady business. He had never considered it before, but if that was the case, then maybe Hyungwon just happened to be there without being involved in whatever was going on?

_Please._

"Matteo told me that he hired you because his cousin, who is a professor, told him about your skills. It doesn't matter why you get hired, stick-human, it only matters whether you can show that hiring you was worth it." They seemed to have similarities, typing and talking at the same time, but now the low voice sounded very similar to the way Hoseok talked to him in the park.

'Scared?' his brain supplied helpfully.

The memory was terrifying enough to calm the bitterness and brief hurt he felt at the knowledge that he had gotten hired over contacts instead of his performance during the interview. He had been convinced that it was the fact that he found everything that was wrong with the code.

"Now I have even more evidence that you lied. So you consider me a stick, not particularly attractive I dare say."

_It must be him. He was probably amused by how easily the guy threw you against the tree, like a fucking branch that fell off._

"Right now, the only thing I consider is the increasing number of words I have to use. Calling you a stick has absolutely nothing to do with my attraction towards you or the lack of it. Are you trying to annoy me?" Suddenly the dark eyes appeared from behind the screen and Hoseok stared right at him from under his black bangs. "But why?"

_Backtrack, fucking backtrack._

"No, I'm not. Sorry. I must have got distracted," he muttered and chewed on his bottom lip while staring at his bright screen again and trying to remember what he had been doing. No matter how nervous he was, nobody was going to kill him in his office in broad daylight. Furthermore, there was no reason to kill him.

_The access to the software weaknesses would be gone if you're dead._

Hoseok didn't reply and also didn't look at him from behind his screen. He could only see the delicate hands that didn't look as if they frequently tightened around other peoples necks.

Luckily that was something he could work with. If there was only his task, the sound of typing and nothing else he had to deal with, then maybe he could still get himself that position at the end of the two months.

Hyungwon was hopeful that he'd still be in one piece by then.

_

Pressing his forehead to the grab bar of the metro, Hyungwon silently cursed his brain for having the best ideas at the worst times.

It was already late evening and he had approximately two and a half hours once he reached work before the metro stopped running.

_And you're definitely not ready for another park adventure._

His head was throbbing a little after a whole day at work and several hours of Minhyuk telling him why being hot at all times would only be in his favour. Hyungwon doubted that applied to a professional 'choker' who had the hots for his boss. There was no reason to gain even more attention than his brains and inability to shut up when challenged already got him.

_You should just do your job and be thankful for as long as he's not interested in you._

Once he reached his stop, he hurried past the people that blocked the stairways and made his way towards the office building. It looked less friendly at night, but that was probably because the fancy glass buildings next to it were shinier and more inviting.

Once he was inside and felt less cold, he took two steps at a time to make the most of those two hours. He almost felt excited about being able to get his hands on the code again.

Inside the office space it was pitch dark as he didn't bother with the illumination of the hallway and immediately entered the office to turn on his computer. Actually, night time was the best time to work because it was when he tried his little hacks to break into the system and see what he could reach or how he could make the process harder for himself.

_The more you improve it, the safer it is._

His screen lit up and he immediately opened the most recent version and made an additional safe copy before implementing his new idea. His eyes fell shut for a few seconds as he focused on what he planned to do. There were no sounds except for the pleasant buzzing of his computer, his breaths and-

_Talking?_

Opening his eyes again, Hyungwon turned to the window first. Sometimes drunkards were screaming out in the streets at night, but they left after a while. But there was nobody and the voices didn't sound like drunk people and they were definitely too loud to be heard from the fourth floor.

_Since when is anybody at the office after six?_

He tried not to hide his disappointment and stood up to take a look around. Working alone was nice and hacking was rather dangerous when there were people who could find out that he was doing it.

_Pointless to hide your traces when you leave non-digital ones._

The hallway was still pitch black, but Hyungwon didn't need long to see the dimmed light coming from his boss' office. The talking got louder with each step and transitioned into low whispers and gasps instead of normal conversational tones.

By this point Hyungwon had a few guesses why his boss, who never stayed longer than early evening, ended up being at the office and gasping from what sounded like lots of fun.

_Not many options there._

Most other people would have probably turned around as quickly as possible, ditched their programming idea and hurried down the stairs. But he wasn't most people and he was definitely not ditching his programming idea. Furthermore, Hyungwon was curious, especially about somebody he considered to be the perfect Italian man and ridiculously attractive.

_You're also shameless._

Licking over his lips, he made sure to be quiet and stepped closer to the door. It was half open and he didn't want to be too obvious by standing in the door frame, so he carefully glanced around the corner and into the spacious office.

The light came from a desk lamp that was bright enough to illuminate what happened inside. There was a figure sitting on the desk and facing the door, legs spread and hands grabbing the edge. He couldn't see his face because his head was thrown back but he recognized his boss' expensive suit jacket and his perfectly styled hair as he kneeled between the other guy's legs and obviously attempted to make him feel good.

_So much to your recent conversation on skills._

Hyungwon held his breath and only exhaled when a gasp sounded in the air, a very effective method to not be found out. The sight was gorgeous and his first hypothesis was that his boss enjoyed blowing his boyfriend in the office late at night. It was an understandable activity, even if it kept Hyungwon from putting his ideas into practise.

_But considering the guy's body you're definitely not his type._

The conclusion was sad, but Hyungwon also didn't go after guys who were taken, so it merely added to the reasons why he should have stopped considering his boss attractive. Probably starting the first day he began to work at the start-up.

_Not watching him suck off his boyfriend might be a first step._

He would have, but it was kinda hard with how gorgeous it looked with the dimmed lights. Had both men been naked, he would have appreciated the sight even more. Only the sounds were still rather quiet for his taste, breathy but not urgent yet. Maybe they were still teasing?

_Why don't you go over there and give them some advice if you're so involved?_

He pursed his lips and felt thankful that his hair was almost black and therefore much harder to see in the dark. Since both men seemed rather occupied and his boss' boyfriend still had his head thrown back, he dared to look around the corner properly and observe how that gorgeously styled hair moved along with the bobbing motions.

_His boyfriend is really quiet. Does he even like it?_

He could see his boss lift the guys' shirt, revealing sculpted abs that he stroked over with his big hands as he was taking him into his mouth before he touched a nipple and got a hiss in return. At the same time Hyungwon got a sight of the other man's face that was too familiar, even with the teeth that settled on the curved lips and half lidded eyes.

_Holy shit._

His eyes widened and even though the way his boss and the newest employee had been flirting was obvious to everybody with at least one brain cell, he hadn't expected it to cross the touching line.

_Because Hoseok told you that he has a boyfriend._

Hyungwon's hypothesis that his boss was blowing his boyfriend was a valid, but obviously wrong one and he struggled to draw appropriate conclusions as the sight of Hoseok's body was too good to look away from.

_One needs muscles like that to not be freaked out running around the shady areas of Milan at night._

Apparently Hoseok was quiet during blowjobs but enjoyed having his nipples touched. Hyungwon wasn't quite sure what to do with that information, but he felt dissatisfied about the silence.

_Maybe he doesn't want to make too much noise?_

Somehow that was doubtful when the muscular man didn't have much to be afraid of, especially if he had easily wrapped somebody with a boyfriend around his finger and could knock somebody out with his bicep.

Suddenly there was a low hum and Hoseok removed one of his hands from the edge of the desk and curled his fingers into his boss' styled hair, pulling at it. Hyungwon pouted at first because he would have loved to do the same, know what the strands felt like between his fingers.

The whole situation wasn't leaving him unaffected and he made sure to breathe when the two men did to remain unnoticed. If there was something that he had to give Hoseok credit for, then it was having an amazing body. Even the low hums and hisses were sexy, if quieter than Hyungwon liked them.

His boss was the one moaning around the length that he couldn't see but judging by the sounds it was quite a lot to take, _or_ 'Matteo' wasn't very skilled at this, he couldn't know for sure. He liked that he could see how Hoseok's stomach flexed and how he used his free hand to scratch over his thigh, accompanied by a pretty sound that definitely sounded as if there was more potential to unfold.

_He's purposefully holding back._

The longer Hyungwon observed the two men, the less he found himself wanting to be on the receiving end and instead be the one to please. He wanted to pull those sounds out that Hoseok kept hidden away in that muscular chest of his. His thoughts involuntarily returned to their brief conversation on skills and it almost felt like a challenge that he hadn't been invited to.

_And that you definitely won't accept._

Chewing on his cheeks to focus on something else for at least a few moments, he closed his eyes before returning his attention to the scene. There couldn't be much time left with the frequent spasms in Hoseok's abdomen and the tugs on his boss' hair. It was hot and Hyungwon enjoyed the sight despite the pressure between his own legs.

"Fuck me." He almost made a sound when he heard his boss's rough voice.

"Now? I don't think you want to take me like that. Let's do it later, when we have time, okay?" Hoseok stroked over the black hair before his boss resumed his efforts and he threw his head back briefly, letting out a quiet moan and spreading his muscular legs.

_Why is it so hard to believe a single word from his lips?_

Hyungwon couldn't explain it, but he didn't buy it. He didn't buy that Hoseok was being considerate and that Hoseok was having the time of his life even though somebody was sucking his dick right that instant. Maybe he was being biased but he just couldn't believe it.

_Because he's holding back and you've seen the way he looks when he's sick of interaction._

Still the sight was arousing, so he leaned against the doorframe and nibbled on his bottom lip to only breathe through his nose. When he saw the gorgeous abs contract under his boss' fingers, he looked up to catch the reaction on Hoseok's face, just to glance right into the black eyes that were unmistakably staring at him.

_Oh well._

Hyungwon didn't panic or freeze in place. Instead, he held the gaze while enjoying the obvious pleasure that must have been coursing through the other man right that instant as he orgasmed into a warm mouth. He couldn't be too sure about the way he looked himself, but arousal was quick to find its way onto his face with blushed cheeks, blood red lips and quicker breaths. Luckily the light of the room was probably not enough to see all that, whereas it was sufficient to tell that Hoseok twitched a few more times along with the contractions of his stomach.

_Gorgeous._

Licking over his lips, Hyungwon declared the show over and pushed himself away from the doorframe to walk back to his office. He was aroused and hard, but he also had a project and god knows how little time to take care of it.

_You can take care of your other problem once you're home._

His fingers were quick to find their rhythm and even though the expression of pure want that passed over his office partner's face still appeared in his head, he was doing pretty well.

He could hear Hoseok and Matteo talking before the main door closed, but instead of having his peace he heard steps and then the familiar figure appeared in the doorframe.

"I didn't know you hung around here at night."

_Of course he's going to confront you about it._

"It's the best time to work without getting disturbed," he replied and finished the line he was currently writing before turning towards Hoseok. The muscular arms were crossed in front of his chest as he leaned against the doorframe and if Hyungwon used his imagination he could still see blush on the other man's face. "Usually."

"I see. I guess you imply that you were disturbed, but you seemed to enjoy the show so I won't apologize. The metro stops running in an hour or so, will you be okay?" Hoseok pushed himself away from the doorframe and turned towards him.

_Basically, you're fucked._

"I imply that I was kept from doing what I planned on doing, but I still enjoyed the show." He smiled briefly because he had successfully kept himself from two things, first, commenting that Hoseok should have been louder and second, that he would have done a better job. Unfortunately, the actual topic of their conversation was a much more depressing one. "One hour won't be enough, so I guess I'll stay here for the night. There's a toothbrush I left in the kitchen, so I'll be fine."

_You'll feel like shit tomorrow, but it will be worth it._

"I have a better suggestion," Hoseok commented and stepped into the office, hips leaning against his desk and gaze focused on his face. "My car is downstairs. You watched my show, so it's only fair that you let me watch yours and after you're done I'll drive you wherever you need to be. What do you think?"

Had Hyungwon been naive, he might have concluded that Hoseok wanted to see him jerk off. Luckily, the muscular and apparently also dangerous man had a strange fascination with his coding skills. The only problem was that he wanted to do stuff that was usually frowned upon.

_You can't hack into your own system in front of him, even if he can't follow what you do because of the language. He'll know that it's hacking._

Hoseok would know that Hyungwon could do it, that he wrote a language to do it and that there was no documentation on either of those two things.

"And what makes you think that my show is meant for others to see? You're the one who left the office door open in invitation, so I dutifully accepted it. My door on the other hand was firmly shut until you came around."

"Bullshit," the low voice whispered. "My show was private and you decided to take a look, so it's only fair if I take a look at yours." Hoseok leaned forward to be closer, arms firmly crossed in front of his chest and lifting an eyebrow accompanied by a smile he couldn't quite figure out. It was pretty and somehow not dangerous at all, which was contrary to the bulging arms and how close they were.

_It's probably your face, he can tell that you're aroused._

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip even though it didn't help the red color and returned his attention to his screen, rearranging a few windows to think about what to reply. His reaction was natural considering his preferences, so there was no reason to be intimidated only because Hoseok leaned closer.

"Then tell me, since your show is probably not supposed to leave the boundaries of the office, will the same apply to mine?" he asked and already knew that he was going to regret this. A single word to the boss and Hyungwon might be in a gigantic pile of trouble, even if he was the only one who knew the system.

"You have my word," Hoseok nodded and stood up, letting himself fall into the chair that he had left next to him before leaving work and rolled closer, so close that he could smell his perfume.

_He must be feeling all kinds of amazing now, post orgasmic bliss and collecting blackmail material right after._

Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth and fixed his glasses before getting to work. The first bit was innocent, only an adjustment to the program that he had come up with at home and wanted to test eventually. It should have been harder to crack and interrupt and he couldn't contain a smile when it finally compiled properly and seemed to work.

_Now you only need to test whether it does what you hoped for._

Hoseok's presence faded into the background, just like his previous arousal and he let the program do a test identity verification run.

_Let's see whether he'll give you shit for it._

Still nibbling on his swollen bottom lip, Hyungwon started hacking himself into the system, using the language he had created for that purpose. The first bit was easy because he had already done it so many times. It got interesting when he tried to interfere with the verification connection, battling the defenses that he had set up himself.

_But you're a white hat, a hacker testing his own system. That's legal. It's only dangerous when you use your skills for other things._

Hoseok didn't say anything but leaned closer, eyes focused on the syntax and what he was trying to do.

_Because he doesn't give a single fuck about sales, doesn't he?_

Maybe that was the reason that the new 'sales' employee was the only one telling him that he was valuable to the company. That guy knew way more about programming than he let on and Hyungwon was thankful that the syntax wasn't straightforward.

_Because that would make it too easy._

He worked his way through every level of defense that he created himself until he reached the last one that he implemented. Excited, he wiggled his fingers to relax them before trying to break it. He loved challenges, so much that his heart was beating quickly and blush returned to his cheeks even though it wasn't arousal this time around.

"Here we go," he whispered and tried several things that others might have tried, but that he hoped wouldn't work. Satisfied, he moved through the next level of options until the grin couldn't be wiped off his lips anymore. None of them worked. Using the weakness that he had implemented himself, he cracked the defense and gained access to the picture of a duck which he used as a test item.

He must have looked ridiculous, excited about having the picture of a duck, but the whole thing working made him so excited that he leaned back in his chair and took a few deep breaths. He didn't even know what time it was, but he also didn't care. There was too much adrenaline to sleep right now.

Hoseok still sat in his chair, had his hands folded behind his head and stared at the screen, shaking his head with his curved lips parted. "Your show is definitely better than mine," the low voice breathed out.

"That's because you held back," Hyungwon replied, belatedly realizing that he had simply spoken his thoughts truthfully. He was also leaning back in his chair and breathing deeply, realizing how tense he had been throughout the whole procedure.

_But you made it work. Sacrificing sleep was so fucking worth it._

"I would start questioning your judgment but it's late, so let's say I did. Still, you're impressive, mister."

He would have shrugged it off, but the compliment sounded so genuine that he couldn't help chewing on his bottom lip as he turned to look at Hoseok's face. Even though the guy tended to be scary, it still felt good to be appreciated, especially by someone like him.

_Because he knows what you're doing. He understood as soon as you started._

"Thank you," he murmured and was grateful that the heat in his cheeks didn't increase, but was simply there because of his previous excitement.

"You're a genius but be nice to yourself and don't show it to anybody. I don't think they'll understand." Hoseok ruffled up his hair and rubbed over his eyes briefly. "Should I take you home? Or did you plan any other shows like that?"

"Not for today," he replied with a chuckle and started to feel how exhausted he was. He didn't even know how much time had passed since Hoseok sat down next to him.

_You know that you can't show anybody because it would give them the key to crack the system. That's why you didn't document it._

Hyungwon didn't want there to be anybody who could do it. Why would one need to interfere with identity verification unless it was about illegal business like selling private information?

"You want to take me home?" he asked and grinned at the wording even though he knew that wasn't what Hoseok meant. "Was what I did that impressive?"

"Mhm, I compared you to a burger when you're actually a dry aged Kobe steak." Hoseok grinned and stood up from his chair, stretching briefly. "I can't believe I sat there with you for three hours without moving. We will both be dead tomorrow, so let's go, I'll drive you home."

_Three hours?_

His eyes widened in shock and he glanced towards the clock above the door to confirm. Somehow it felt surreal to be at his office with Hoseok in the middle of the night and it didn't feel as terrifying as the last times they interacted. Instead, Hyungwon felt like he had accomplished something and there was finally a person in this world that he could share it with.

"Now you'll know why Flavio calls me the ghost of Centerville," he joked and reached for his jacket and Hoseok's arm to tug him towards the way out. "Come on, big muscular guy, show me your creepy van."

"I don't have a creepy van. The longer I look at you the more it seems as if you're searching for excitement." The other man shook his head but he saw the smile on the curved lips when they left the office and Hoseok didn't push him away.

"You seem to be somebody who can provide it," he muttered in reply and didn't pull away either, arm hooked around Hoseok's muscular one as they made their way through the fog. Even though Hyungwon wouldn't have admitted it out loud, it felt safer that way, just like he had followed Hoseok in that park, scared to death.

He didn't even know which type of excitement the older man was talking about, only that it really seemed like he was looking for it.

***

It felt like one of those dreams that he had when he was still inside. Walking through the foggy streets of Milan at two a.m. after coming closer to the goal he was obsessed with, feeling elated and positive. The only thing disturbing him was the slight pressure of long fingers that were wrapped around his arm and made him shudder once in a while. Even so, he didn’t remove them or try to get away from the touch because it felt like a compromise, a justified sacrifice that he had to make for what he had gained.

_He gave you a glimpse of what he is capable of, it’s worth more than allowing him to hold onto your arm._

The strange feeling he had when he lifted his gaze and faced the tall guy in the hallway who was biting his lips and watching how his stomach contracted shortly before he came, remained in the back of his head just like the fact that Hyungwon’s sudden appearance was what had thrown him over the edge. It was not what he had expected and his own reaction confused him. Maybe that had been the reason for asking Matteo to leave and continue their encounter another time as he walked into the office and asked to watch Hyungwon’s ‘show’.

_You had no idea what kind of show you were about to witness._

Having Roberto’s boyfriend suck him off and witnessing how the messy computer science student hacked into the system security as if it was nothing, was way more than he had anticipated and he still felt dizzy, trying to understand what all of it meant.

_Not the blowjob, that one was planned. Drive him home and get your thoughts back in order, you aren’t thinking straight._

He felt like kicking and hitting the air from the tension in his body that had developed because he was sitting still for three hours straight and he felt like going insane with his feelings and thoughts going all over the place, but at the same time he couldn’t just rip his arm out of the guy’s hold and act crazy in the middle of the night when Hyungwon’s relevance squeezed itself into his awareness like the fingers that were applying pressure on his arm once in a while.

Inhaling deeply, he thought about having a smoke, but decided against it because his hands were shaking, so he curled them into fists and squeezed so tight that his muscles turned hard as a rock, nails digging into his palms painfully.

_You seem like somebody who can provide excitement, huh?_

He chuckled and turned around the corner where he parked his Spider.

“Not a van and it only has two seats, but there should be enough space for your legs.” He opened the car and gestured for Hyungwon to get in and curled his hands into fists again, trying to get rid of the tension.

"Are you flexing for me?" the black-haired boy asked with a smile before letting go of his arm and walking around the car. Hyungwon seemed calm for someone who had sat still for three hours, even if he was used to it. Only the brown eyes, hidden behind thick glasses, jumped over the features of his car like they couldn't quite believe that it was real.

“Does thinking that make you feel good? Then sure,” he murmured and waited until Hyungwon was in the car to throw his head back and hold his breath until his lungs burned painfully and he was forced to inhale quickly. He couldn’t stay outside for too long, so he finally opened the door and slipped onto the driver’s seat, glancing in the overhead mirror and adjusting it briefly. “Where do you need to go?” he asked after turning on the engine and putting the car into first gear.

Hyungwon didn't say anything at first and merely observed him, legs stretched out just as Hoseok had anticipated and arms resting loosely on his thighs.

"Just behind Parco Sempione, but you don't have to drive me all the way." Shrugging, the boy turned towards the window and observed the foggy street. "Mental exhaustion doesn't mean physical exhaustion, so maybe I should run somewhere first to collapse on my bed. Who knows."

Hoseok only hummed in response and left the parking lot, driving in the direction of the park even though it was literally only two kilometers away or something.

_Maybe he’s lying, who knows._

It didn’t really matter and considering his own lying record it was nothing to be upset about.

_He probably has his reasons._

“Here?” he asked after passing by the park where they had met for the first time and drove slower.

"Maybe… a few streets further on," Hyungwon replied quietly while chewing on his cheek and still staring out the window.

“Mhm, wherever you say,” he commented and fumbled with his cigarette case with one hand, attempting to get one out and smoke when he dropped Hyungwon off.

Cool fingers touched his briefly before moving his hand aside and pulling out the case. Hyungwon used his other hand to open it and took out a cigarette, holding it with two fingers and stretching it out towards his lips.

"Need a light too?" he asked and didn't look away this time, gaze fixed on him instead of the foggy streets.

“Yeah,” he murmured and closed his lips around the cigarette carefully, driving slowly until he stopped at the crossing Hyungwon had pointed out before.

The boy hummed and slipped his right hand into the front pocket of his jeans, pulling something shiny out of it. Hyungwon's eyes were focused on the object until he turned towards him and licked his lips.

Flicking his thumb, a small flame lit up, illuminating a silver zippo lighter which the boy held to his cigarette, lighting it.

"Thank you for driving me," Hyungwon whispered as he closed it and darkness surrounded them again.

_It’s yours. He has it._

He felt dizzy from inhaling the smoke, the tension of sitting around for so long and the knowledge that Hyungwon knew that it had been him back then in the park. He took the cigarette into his left hand and reached out, wrapping the fingers of his right hand around Hyungwon’s wrist to pull it closer to his face. Recognizing the H on the zippo, he looked past it, locking his gaze with Hyungwon’s eyes that stared at him through the thick lenses of his glasses. “Scared?” he whispered.

Hyungwon observed him at first, chest rising and falling quickly and lips parted to inhale in big gulps.

"You're not the one who tried to kill me," the plump lips replied eventually and Hoseok could tell that Hyungwon's breaths slowed down, as if the boy's conclusions immediately affected his body. "But I don't believe that you're here because you were 'bored'."

_Is it the price that you have to pay for being allowed to see what he can do? That he is smart enough to figure out that you aren’t here to sell anything._

“Can I have it back?” he asked and licked over his lips, eyes not leaving Hyungwon’s.

"Another day." The boy tugged at his grip around his wrist to pull it back and used his free hand to unbuckle his seatbelt. "Thank you, Hoseok. For several things."

“I must be exciting. Get home well,” he murmured and unbuckled before leaving the car. He leaned against the cold metal body and pulled on his cigarette until the dizziness returned full force. He still wasn’t used to smoking and the cigarettes he bought were stronger this time.

_Maybe that’s exactly what you need._

Hoseok could feel eyes on him, but didn't bother to turn. Hyungwon must have hesitated to leave, watching him silently from the other side of the car.

"I don't know what it is," Hyungwon spoke behind him until he finally heard steps, wet on the constantly soaked concrete and getting quieter. "But I hope I'll find out."

_He can’t._

The cold air was freezing his hands and it was already too late when he remembered that his password protection on the SD card that he safely kept inside his zippo was nothing for somebody who could trick multiple security systems to hack into sensitive verification software.

_You need to get it back._

_

It was eight and he had his third espresso, wondering if the Kobe steak would still come early, even though he must’ve arrived home at three a.m.

_You need to get the lighter back._

The sitting was driving him mad, so he got up and pushed the chair to the wall to have enough space to do push-ups. The physical strain and his own voice counting the tenth aloud calmed him down and he almost didn’t notice when the door opened. He could only see the Converse Chucks that looked fucked up and not appropriate for the current weather at all.

_He came._

He jumped up in a smooth motion and brushed his hair back, glancing at Hyungwon, who was leaning against the door frame and must have watched him for several seconds before Hoseok realized his presence. The boy was wearing his typical puffer jacket that hid his frame and his bag was already lying next to the door.

"Is that a way to stay awake? I might consider," Hyungwon remarked and took off his jacket. A second glance revealed that he looked exhausted and even his glasses didn't hide it completely. Hoseok still remembered how red the boy's lips had been the day before, not comparable to the current poor excuse for a pale pink.

_Someone didn’t sleep._

Hoseok let his gaze travel over the other man’s body, settling on the pockets of his jeans. Again they were way too loose to tell whether his zippo was in one of the pockets and if so, in which one.

“It helps reduce body tension. Didn’t sleep?” he asked and stepped closer, carefully observing the way Hyungwon moved and if there was any hint where the lighter could be.

"Overrated," Hyungwon replied and threw his jacket on the usual spot on one of the shelves "Suddenly fascinated by my jeans?"

“More like what’s under them,” he commented and smiled briefly, before walking to the door and closing it. “You were going on about me getting into your pants, so here I am.”

"Don't bullshit me, Hoseok." The black-haired boy glanced in his direction before grabbing several papers from his desk and throwing them into the basket for documents to be shredded. "I know what genuine interest looks like. This isn't it."

“You don’t know what genuine interest looks like in me,” he whispered and stepped forward until there was no space between them and pushed Hyungwon against the wall, careful to not use too much strength. His hips met Hyungwon’s slim ones and he observed the look in the widened eyes as he inhaled and let his right hand slide from the narrow waist down.

_This is not supposed to be arousing to you but you’re still thinking about his face from yesterday._

The way he had pushed the boy against the wall had misaligned his glasses slightly, letting them rest higher on Hyungwon's nose, showing him the same intense brown that he had seen at the restaurant. Eyes still wide, the black-haired boy sucked his plump bottom lip into his mouth and tried to slip his hands between their bodies, palms flat against his chest but not pushing him away yet.

"I know that whatever you showed yesterday wasn't it," Hyungwon replied quietly. Hoseok could tell that despite seeming calm the boy's heart was beating furiously at the spot where his collarbones met.

“I’m sorry that you didn’t like my show, but why did you watch it then? Until the end?” he whispered back and stroked over Hyungwon’s thigh, making sure that the lighter wasn’t in the right pocket. Of course it would’ve been too easy.

_What if he left it at home?_

Hoseok didn’t want to think about it and lifted his left hand, starting at the ribs and stroked down the curve of Hyungwon’s waist that felt warm through the thin fabric.

_Why can’t your body listen if you just want that stupid lighter?_

A shaky breath left Hyungwon's lips and Hoseok felt a big palm land on the back of his hand, slowing it down without applying too much pressure.

"It’s not that I didn't like it, but I could do better." Suddenly, the boy's hand tightened around his and led it lower, all the way to the left jeans pocket. "But why don't you just ask instead of toying with me like this?"

The implications were creating unnecessary noise in his mind, providing him with images of the blushed face and plump lips and leading to obvious physical reactions that he couldn’t control in time, especially because it suddenly turned mutual.

He lifted his gaze and slipped his hand into the pocket with the lighter, wrapping his fingers around it. “Who’s the one toying? I don’t think it’s me,” he whispered and took out the lighter without moving back a single bit.

"Was allowing me one more night with something precious like your lighter so difficult? I didn't plan on keeping it, the zippo is yours after all." Hyungwon's voice was firm but a hint of color was beginning to blossom on his cheeks, returning redness to his pale lips and making him seem less tired. Brown eyes were still observing him above the frame of the boy's glasses. "I'm not toying, I'm being honest."

Hoseok licked over his lips and lifted the lighter to his face, turning it and glancing at the slot where he had kept his card, just that there was nothing.

_He took it out. Of course he did._

“Honest, huh?” he chuckled and moved back, slipping the lighter into the pocket of his jeans and grabbing his coat. “I’ll come in later,” he commented and walked towards the door.

"I'm honest about my reactions, Hoseok, and don't use yours to reach a goal," Hyungwon sighed as he pushed himself off the wall and Hoseok heard the boy fall into his chair. "Everything else might be a little too dangerous to be constantly honest about. I think you know that better than anybody."

His heart hammered in his chest as he tightened his hand around the door handle until it hurt. “Don’t act as if you have any idea about me,” he hissed and left the office, unable to smile at Matteo who was just coming up the stairs and who was way more important for his goal than the computer science student upstairs, making him angry and draining his energy in a matter of minutes.

_

The information on the SD card was lost, but it was never part of his current goal, so it didn’t matter that much. He had been too emotional about it anyway, so maybe it was a good thing that it was gone.

_You’re not here because of the software._

He successfully avoided talking to Hyungwon for the past week, only taking care of the investment deals that he had planned before and putting the information under Matteo’s nose with the hope that he would carry it to the right person.

_He needs to need you more._

That had been his reasoning for dragging himself up the stairs to the office at midnight, accompanied by Matteo’s voice had become slightly annoying over time, so he hoped to hear more of the other sounds soon. Thankfully he wasn’t disappointed and no matter how much he would’ve preferred to do it in a comfortable bed, his own apartment was off limits and Matteo was a little paranoid cheating on Roberto within his own four walls.

_Maybe it’s a compliment that he wants you so much that he lets himself be bent over his own office desk at midnight instead of doing it with somebody else in his comfy bed._

He tried to get himself in the mood but it turned out to be a bit more difficult than he thought, especially because Matteo kept wanting to touch him everywhere and it triggered the wrong kind of response most of the time. After a brief blowjob, he bent the other man over the desk and was a little thankful that he didn’t have to see his face and that he couldn’t touch him much. It was a perfect position because Matteo was attractive and so was his body, just the whole situation made it hard to concentrate on the pleasure, so he was thankful for the lack of distracting sensations at the moment.

_You need him to feel good, otherwise what’s the point, Hoseok?_

He roamed his hands over the gorgeous skin that had a slight olive tone when he felt Matteo attempt to move and rolled his hips with a loud hiss, pressure and pleasure combining in his mind. The sounds were really nice, so he made sure to hit right as he moved faster and then slower on purpose to hear more pleas and feel contractions around his length.

_He would probably say that he would do better again._

Hoseok almost shook his head because the thought had nothing to do with his current purpose at all, but his eyes lifted and searched the hallway that he could see from his spot next to the desk.

Instead of encountering the expected pitch black darkness, he saw a pair of big brown eyes observing him from above a pair of bent glasses. Blush painted round cheeks and those lips that had caught his attention before were almost blood red. Hyungwon didn't even bother to hide himself, leaning against the door frame with his slim body and watching the way he moved inside of Matteo. One of the boy's hands was drawing patterns on his own thigh absentmindedly, as if contemplating what those fingers could be doing next.

_He’s fucking shameless isn’t he?_

He bit down on his bottom lip and made sure to not stutter in his motions as his hands wrapped around Matteo’s round hips. He glanced down, watching how his length disappeared in the attractive body below him, but somehow his gaze was magically pulled towards the person in the hallway who was shamelessly watching him having sex with somebody else.

“Faster, fuck, please,” the low voice begged from under him and he sped up the motions of his hips, hissing and aiming down as his gaze locked with Hyungwon’s.

The full, red mouth opened to exhale whenever he did and the black-haired boy let his right hand travel over his own chest and hips. Long fingers slightly lifted the loose shirt to reveal a slim waist and sharp hip bones, jeans hanging low on the round hips. Hyungwon was playing, but it didn't necessarily look like it was for him to see as brushing over his own skin seemed to affect the boy sufficiently to break their eye contact for a second or two, silent moan leaving those plump lips.

“Fuck, I love it too babe,” Matteo moaned because he twitched for reasons other than moving inside the other man's attractive body. The tension started slowly but the longer he watched Hyungwon in the dark hallway, the more it transitioned into burning arousal. “I’m close, if you hit like that again you don’t even need to touch me,” the low voice muttered as he rolled his hips roughly, looking right into Hyungwon’s eyes. He had no idea what the hell they were doing, but he couldn’t think, not now.

Hyungwon kept caressing his own body, lifting his hand high enough to reach a nipple and gasp silently even though Hoseok couldn't really see the way the boy's fingers moved over the erect bud. The shirt was in the way and kept him from seeing more, like a secret whereas Hyungwon's brown eyes didn't bother hiding anything, watching every motion of his and holding his gaze in a tight grip.

“Touch yourself,” he said and rolled his hips, unsure why he said it when Matteo just commented that he was close without.

Instead of Matteo, he saw those brown eyes twitch, followed by teeth that nibbled on a red bottom lip. Hyungwon's right hand left his slim chest and waist and travelled lower instead, brushing over the fabric of his jeans and emphasizing the bulge by pressing his flat palm against it. The way the boy's mouth opened in a moan made it seem like he could almost hear it in his head, even though Hyungwon didn't allow himself to make a single sound.

_Fuck._

His reaction was so different and clouded his brain instead of the familiar clear-headed way he had imagined it. Again, he twitched and stroked over Matteo’s back as he rolled his hips rougher, feeling the other man clench around him because he had told him to touch himself.

_What’s this mess, Hoseok?_

“Do you like it?” he asked, sinking one hand into the carefully styled hair as his gaze was focused on the man in the hallway making him feel the thick tension between them that didn’t need any words.

Hyungwon hadn't stopped applying pressure to his own body, visibly teasing himself as his ragged breaths indicated. The slim chest paused, as if the boy held his breath, before it moved in quick succession. His long fingers traced what must have been the entire length to the tip before slipping into the loose jeans. Instead of staying there, Hyungwon pulled his hand back out and kept watching him intently, index finger and thumb spreading with a hint of precum in between, as if to demonstrate how much he liked it.

_Fuck._

He imagined leaving Matteo on the desk and moving into the dark hallway, pinning Hyungwon against the wall to check whether he was lying, whether he was really so aroused just from watching him having sex with somebody else or if he was simply trying to fuck with his brain and make him desperate.

_It’s your mind going crazy, get a grip._

“Come for me,” he murmured at Matteo because the other man was close and started moving fast and rough, fingers tightening around the round hips and eyes closed to concentrate on the feeling, but instead of the feeling there were images of Hyungwon’s parted lips and his long fingers stroking over his narrow waist that he tried to get rid of.

_It’s no use, you will never come like this._

He opened his eyes and let his gaze travel over Hyungwon’s body, feeling the arousal spike up and making him twitch. He used the moment and moved faster, pulled Matteo’s hair and moaned before burying himself inside the tight body as it clenched around him, pulling him deeper. His eyes were open and he felt breathless and somehow stupid, staring at Hyungwon while being inside someone else.

The black-haired boy stared back, breathing through his mouth along with him until he finally pushed himself off the doorframe and disappeared in the dark hallway, as silently as he had appeared. The expression of arousal had still been on his face, as if Hyungwon accepted the state for the sake of watching him sleep with somebody else.

He lied about how much he liked it, helping Matteo to clean up and placed a kiss on his shoulder, feeling dizzy and as if he was in some kind of movie about himself.

“Do you still want to go for a drink?” the other man asked and he declined in a friendly way that cost him more effort that he let on and closed his jeans after discarding the condom in the waste basket.

“I still have to be here at 8 to learn from your genius worker, so I’ll grab some work I need to finish up and go home. I will miss you.” The bitterness inside his mouth was a little disgusting and he wanted to smoke to cover it somehow.

“I will miss you a lot, but we will see each other tomorrow, it was amazing.” Matteo gifted him a pretty smile before returning to his elegant self and calling his boyfriend to tell him that he was going to be late.

_It is a movie._

He sat on the big desk and waited until the other man disappeared through the main door, wondering whether his brain was malfunctioning and made up a person, but those brown eyes were too memorable to be made up.

Hoseok heard a chair move in the nearby office, followed by the sound of fingers typing something. If it hadn't been way past midnight and he wasn't sure of what he had seen, one might have thought it was a day like any other with the nerdy computer science student improving the code.

He took his coat and slipped from the desk, walking the few steps until he stood in the doorframe of the small office and stared at Hyungwon who was staring at his screen and holding his fingers above the keyboard without typing anything. Hoseok could clearly see the blush on the boy's face and the vibrant color of his lips, confirming that his mind had not been playing tricks on him. The clearest sign was the fact that Hyungwon held his breath before turning towards him and chewing on his cheek.

"Do you always let him leave alone?"

_He didn't look concerned a few minutes ago._

"You can try running after him," he whispered, hands curling into fists. He almost forgot that Hyungwon had the hots for Matteo.

_Maybe that's the reason for appearing when you're trying to fuck him._

"I think you know perfectly well that our boss is the least of my concerns right now." A smile passed over Hyungwon's lips as he turned back towards his screen and finally let his fingers touch the keyboard. It wasn't coding though from the pattern and the other man was merely trying to look busy by using the keyboard to rearrange his windows instead of the mouse.

"Are you trying to hack into your Windows?" he asked and stepped into the office, walking around Hyungwon's chair and placing both palms on the backrest as he glanced at the monitor.

"Exciting," Hyungwon chuckled and fumbled with his glasses before switching his screen and opening the source code of the software. The little genius had begun to adapt it to different operating systems, this time iOS, but Hoseok doubted that he needed to be there at midnight to do that.

"Why are you here?" he asked, fingers tightening around the backrest before he turned it, grabbing the armrest from both sides and leaning forward until his face was only a few centimeters away from Hyungwon's.

The boy's hands had been caught in the air and he carefully placed them on the armrest, only minimally touching his. Somehow Hyungwon's eyes had a different effect when he saw them in the dark hallway than they did like this, behind his thick lenses and Hoseok couldn't quite tell what exactly made the difference. The round cheeks were still blushed and Hyungwon's plump lips were still red. The impression was the same with the exception of the effect the boy's eyes had.

"What makes you think it's not the gorgeous show you put on?" He saw the way Hyungwon's Adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed. The gesture invited his eyes to travel lower to the loose shirt that Hyungwon had pulled up and revealed his narrow waist and smooth skin before. Now Hoseok could only observe how quickly the boy's heart was beating from the breaths that left his red mouth when he didn't hold them in.

"Well, I didn't talk to you after you took my SD card, so why would you come in the middle of the night, randomly, not knowing whether I would be here, just to watch me fuck the boss that you have the hots for? Just wait a bit and then you can have him."

Hyungwon's body tensed and the brown eyes widened behind the glasses. He must not have expected Hoseok to suddenly be so honest with him.

"I don't go for men that are already taken, even if I am attracted to them." Fingers suddenly touched his where he was holding onto the armrest and Hoseok realized that Hyungwon had moved his hands a little closer without making it obvious. There was no pressure, only a light touch, ready to disappear as soon as he lifted his hands. "The question is why you go for men that you aren't even attracted to."

_Because you want to hurt him._

"It's not about me," he whispered, shuddering from the touch but didn't move away. "He won't be taken for long. I'll tell you when he's single again, so you can use your skills you told me about. Just a word of advice, don't tell him too much about yourself. ."

"I'm not delusional, Hoseok. I think I have seen enough to know that I'm not the type of person he goes for. I assess my chances and deal with the consequences." Hyungwon sighed and removed his hands, but not far, just enough to stop touching him. He could still feel the warmth from the boy's body, probably because Hyungwon was still affected by watching him. "I think getting a stable job and working on a project that I care about is more important than a wave of pleasure."

"Then why the fuck would you watch me fuck him and touch yourself, little shit? Is it some kind of game I don't get?" He moved his hands up and wrapped them around Hyungwon's. A gasp left the boy's mouth at the touch, involuntary and causing him to tilt his head down. That was when Hoseok figured out what the difference must have been. He stared back at Hyungwon's brown eyes that watched him over the edge of his glasses instead of being behind a thick lense.

"You already said it," Hyungwon replied and at first Hoseok wasn't sure if he read or heard the words, staring at the way Hyungwon formed them with his thick lips. "I was watching you. Not him."

_He was watching you?_

His eyes widened briefly and he stared for a few seconds until his brain processed the information. "Let's say you were watching me. My question still stands. Why? Is it some kind of voyeurism kink that you have? Or do you want to be in his place?"

"That's… a lot of intimate questions." Hyungwon smiled and licked over his lips before tugging at his hands, but only enough to test how tight it was. "You're attractive, I think you know that pretty well yourself. I enjoy watching your face, especially because I can tell that there is much more than you show. I want to see it."

"I'm not here to have fun," he muttered and swallowed before reaching for Hyungwon's round chin and using his grip to turn his head to the left and right. "I don't trust you a single bit but you're attractive."

"So the feeling is mutual," Hyungwon murmured before smiling again, hips shifting and making Hoseok realize that the boy's right leg was between his, brushing over his thigh. Brown eyes traced the features of his face, attentive and similarly affected as he remembered it. Only the parted lips and silent moans were missing. "You say you're not here to have fun, so why bother faking it instead of having the real thing?"

_Remember why you are here._

"It's a secret. I won't tell you and you won't understand," he whispered and exhaled against Hyungwon's thick lips, as he let go of his chin and placed his hand back on the armrest.

"Who knows, maybe the same applies to what I planned on doing tonight." Despite the reply, he could see how Hyungwon moved along with him, as if his breath had been a trail to follow. It seemed subconscious and lasted a few seconds until the boy caught himself and leaned back against the backrest of his chair.

_He knows that you want to know what he can do and of course he is using it against you. What else would he do, Hoseok? It's been years of the same shit._

"But then you watched my show once again without giving me anything back if we are going to be symbiotic about this, so why do you think you can sit here and feel superior?" He narrowed his gaze and let go of the armrest. The lack of movement started driving him crazy and he looked at the ceiling as he cracked his joints to get some motion into his limbs.

"I'm not feeling superior, Hoseok." Hyungwon sank deeper into the office chair, making it squeak despite his low body mass. A sigh left the boy that could have been interpreted as relief. "I'm trying really hard not to touch myself while struggling to remember why the hell I came all the way here. I thought that much was obvious."

_Is he backtracking?_

"No. You told me that I'm faking, that you want to have a job and that you won't tell me what you were going to do here in the middle of the night. Scared? Don't worry, you didn't do anything that would make me want to hurt you." He sighed too and buried his nails in his palms for a few seconds before reaching for his face and rubbing it briefly. "The metro doesn't run anymore and it would be a pity if someone were to slice your neck, so are you going to stay here or should I give you a ride?"

Hyungwon turned towards his screen and typed something before it turned black and the computer turned off, emphasizing how quiet it was without the constant buzzing in the background.

"Sometimes it feels like you purposefully misunderstand me cause it's easier than dealing with what I'm really saying." Brushing through his messy hair, Hyungwon stood up and fixed his glasses. The boy's jeans were low on his hips and only seemed to move lower, catching on his groin even though Hoseok couldn't really tell clearly if it was because of remaining arousal or not. "I want a job, so I won't be coming onto my boss. You're not in the position to fire me, are you? You're faking pleasure, so I was wondering why you don't get it from a place where you don't have to fake it. I happened to mean myself, but you were telling me about secrets like an excuse. Maybe I'm just feeling offended despite the way you looked at me. Let's get out of here."

"Honestly? I hate talking," he whispered and took a step forward, coat falling to the floor and curling one arm around Hyungwon's waist to pull him flush against his body.

Warm palms ended up pressing against his chest before they carefully travelled upwards to his shoulders. Hyungwon's face was unreadable, eyes hidden behind his glasses as he stared at him and warm breaths tickled his face because the boy was taller.

"Then don't."

He inhaled next to Hyungwon's neck, liking the light perfume that he used and exhaled against his mouth, eyes jumping from his eyes to his red lips that looked delicious. His hands were careful, stroking over the curve of Hyungwon's lower back, one hand wrapping around his hip as the other roamed his shoulder blades, fingers playing with the fine hairs on his nape.

_You could get a taste, you don't need to talk for that at all and you thought about it. Once. He said he was trying not to touch himself._

The boy's exhales were shaky against his skin, revealing more with each passing second that he listened to them. Since the skinny body was flush against him Hoseok could easily tell that Hyungwon was still aroused, despite the time that had passed and the back and forth of meaningless words. Not a single word left the red mouth, like a silent agreement between them as the clock kept ticking above the office door.

The lack of words and Hyungwon's obvious reaction were enough for him to turn them and push the boy against his desk until his hips settled on top and Hoseok leaned forward, exhaling against the soft skin of Hyungwon's slim neck without too much contact, hands stroking over his thighs and opening the button of his way too loose pants.

Red lips parted in a gasp that he only heard because he was close enough. Hyungwon didn't reach for him and curled his fingers around the edge of the desk instead, holding on tightly as he spread his legs.

He kneeled, scratching over the fabric of Hyungwon's jeans with both hands, before pulling down the zipper and the black underwear Hyungwon was wearing. Hoseok licked his lips at the sight. He liked how Hyungwon looked, especially the way his lean stomach flexed when he exhaled against the wet tip and dug the tip of his tongue into his slit while looking up.

The boy opened his mouth in a moan, but only an exhale entered his ears as Hyungwon's eyes were half lidded from the pleasure but kept observing him. The thick glasses were misaligned on the small face, but it didn't seem to matter with the pleasure that was coursing through the slim body. The silent moans were fascinating as it didn't seem like he was holding back, not from the expression on his face and the way his thighs contracted, but still those red lips only produced sound inside his head, lips moving so obviously that it felt like he should have heard it.

_He doesn’t make sounds?_

It was quite unique, but Hoseok didn’t think about it further as he closed his lips around Hyungwon’s length and sucked on the tip, hands curling around the firm thighs. He liked how they flexed under his fingertips, accompanied by a twitch of Hyungwon's erection against his cheek.

He could hear desperate breaths and the boy's hands were almost white where they held onto the edge of the desk. Suddenly, Hyungwon let his body fall back on a few random papers and pens and lifted his right thigh a little higher to place the lean leg on his shoulder. The way those slim arms arranged above the boy's head pulled up his shirt and showed more of his flat stomach.

_That’s damn attractive._

Hoseok hummed around the twitching length and held Hyungwon’s right thigh on his shoulder as he moved his head, taking more of the pretty erection into his mouth and enjoying the whole thing way more than he imagined when his brain short circuited. Hoseok played with the transition between head and shaft, rubbed it over his bottom lip before taking the complete length into his mouth and letting it hit the back of his throat as he swallowed around it.

A gorgeous whimper left the boy's throat, followed by a scratching noise that must have been his fingers on the wooden desk, attempting to stay in place while his thighs shook. He could tell how good it must have felt no matter where he decided to look, whether it was the flat stomach that contracted with each suck, Hyungwon's long fingers that curled up whenever he slipped more of him into his mouth or those big brown eyes that watched him throughout it all.

_You like it, don’t you?_

Feeling arousal burn between his legs, he curled his right hand and scratched over Hyungwon’s stomach and hip bone, leaving thin red lines that disappeared almost instantly as he travelled higher, towards the lean chest.

Hyungwon gasped for air and another twitch against his tongue told him that it felt good. Lips still parted, the black-haired boy used one of his hands to tug at the fabric of his shirt, revealing more and more of his body until he simply slipped the fabric between his teeth and threw his head back from another of Hoseok's movements. Arms crossed above his head, Hyungwon kept curling his fingers each time another combination of sensations followed, eyes barely remaining opened while he kept holding onto the fabric in his mouth, leaving Hoseok the gorgeous sight.

He would have been careful about liking the reactions too much, but there was no way that Hyungwon knew what he considered attractive and it seemed genuine, especially with how gone the boy looked. Gorgeously gone. Hoseok sucked harder and lifted both hands, scratching from Hyungwon’s hip bones to his nipples, loosening the pressure on his nails and carefully rubbed them with the tips of his index fingers.

A muffled moan was his reward and Hyungwon's hands must have grabbed something accidentally right at that moment, ripping a sheet of paper. The boy's hips stuttered and Hoseok had all the warning that he needed with another rough exhale, tension in both the flat stomach and the lean thighs and finally an involuntary thrust into his mouth. The warm erection twitched between his lips a few times as Hyungwon orgasmed, shaking through it with gorgeous blush on his face and along his neck and silent expressions of pure bliss.

_Maybe you deserved some fun after all this time._

He swallowed and licked over the vervety tip one last time before letting go and tucking everything back into the black underwear, closing the pants on top. Rising back to his feet, he took in the attractive sight of Hyungwon’s body on top of the desk and licked his lips.

Hyungwon was breathing heavily, staring at the ceiling for a few moments until he pulled the fabric of his shirt from his lips and lifted up to sit on the desk, thereby covering his chest and stomach with said shirt.

Brown eyes watched him, seeming big and intense until a long index finger pushed the boy's glasses back in place and he silently climbed off the desk and slipped into his jacket. The air still smelled like sex, but apart from their breaths the only sound was the clock that kept ticking relentlessly.

Hoseok didn’t say anything either, even though it was pretty obvious that he was aroused and collected his coat from the floor, checking his cigarettes and lighter before running down the stairs after Hyungwon. He placed one cigarette into his mouth as soon as they left the building and lit it, inhaling the hot smoke and hoping for it to calm him down faster than he would by himself as they walked towards his car.

Hyungwon seemed to be doing the same with the cold air, inhaling deeply as he wrapped his arms around himself and observed the sky that was pitch back and without a single star. It was going to change as soon as it got warmer, but for now Milan continued to be depressing.

When they sat in the car and were driving towards the familiar park, he stopped at a red traffic light and turned to the side. “Still the same spot, or a little further this time?” he asked.

"A little further," Hyungwon replied and chewed on his cheek before mentioning a piazza about two kilometers away from the last time.

Hoseok nodded, smiling briefly and drove all the way to the point before parking his car and getting out to smoke like the last time. Observing Hyungwon climb out of the car, he pulled on his cigarette, keeping the smoke in his lungs for a little longer. “You’re hot,” he whispered.

"Now I believe you," Hyungwon replied quietly and smiled at him before turning around and disappearing into the fog.

He didn’t need to admit that he considered Hyungwon attractive, but in the end it didn’t matter, it didn’t change anything, it wasn’t a step towards his goal and his feelings were just as meaningless as they had been before.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 3

Five thick books landed on the table with a bang as Hyungwon sighed and sat down in front of them. The choice was pretty straight forward, two on how to get better at programming mobile applications, one to figure out SD card password systems and two general ones on mobile hacking. One might have thought it was a typical computer science student Saturday with decent literature to spend the day.

"Subtle," Minhyuk remarked across from him after eyeing the flashy green book that spelled out 'Hacking Bible' at the top. His best friend was only partially occupied by his book on common metaphors and their origin.

"I'm not trying to be subtle, it's perfectly legitimate to read books to gain skills. You can also learn how to use a knife without ending up in prison."

_Unless one threatens people in the park with it._

"Yeah, but if there is a guy who can use a knife and one who can't, who do you think is more scary?" Minhyuk put his book aside and fumbled with his stack of books, probably checking the other titles. "Since when are you into SD cards?"

_Since you have one you need to access without doing it at work._

Hyungwon had planned on doing it during the night, cracking the password protection and seeing what it was that Hoseok had tried so hard to hide. Unfortunately it didn't seem to be a good idea to do that at work, especially if the guy he took the SD card from kept going there to bend his boss over the desk.

He chewed on his lips at the thought, remembering how affected Hoseok had looked and how clearly he had told him to touch himself even though he was pleasuring somebody else. He still felt light scratches along his chest and hips if he focused well enough.

"Okay, maybe I don't want to know. Your expression suggests that your feelings towards SD cards might even cross my comfort zone. Don't take that 'I love my computer' song too seriously. Many programmers have gone there and never returned." Minhyuk giggled after using his dramatic voice and getting a nasty look from one of the library employees, gesturing for him to shut up if he wanted to stay.

"It's complicated," he whispered eventually and opened the book on SD cards, considering their conversation over for now. It was important to figure out what was hiding on the tiny database as quickly as possible. Everything that Hyungwon knew so far suggested ulterior motives, but there was no way to figure it out without extra information.

_And you won't get any from him, not that easily._

In addition, Hyungwon was a little bit hung up on the fact that Hoseok told him there was no reason to hurt him, _yet_.

_Which means that you could do something that will change that._

His hands got all sweaty from the mere thought and he wiped them on his jeans. They weren't as comfy as usual since he wasn't at work and since his best friend refused to go out with him if he looked like somebody who left his basement every second full moon.

_But if you still didn't do anything and he knows you have the SD card, then maybe you're safe for now._

Either that or Hyungwon was somehow useful. There had to be a reason for a random guy suddenly popping up at their start-up, pretending to do sales, watch him program with fascination, fuck the boss even though he has a boyfriend and finally be secretive as fuck while choking people in the park.

It sounded ridiculous even to him, so Hyungwon didn't even bother trying to tell anybody else about it. If Hoseok had no reason to hurt him yet, shutting the fuck up was most likely a factor.

_Now if only you wouldn't blur the line between finding him terrifying, intriguing and ridiculously attractive._

"You're doing that look again. Is your hot boss getting to your head?" Minhyuk wiggled his eyebrows and purposefully leaned closer to make sure the old lady didn't call him out for talking again. Hyungwon only sighed and pushed his best friend's head back to the other end of the table.

_He doesn't even know that you changed your mind about that, even if you still look at him because he's beautiful._

"He has a boyfriend, so he's off limits," he commented and skipped pages on the basic stuff. He needed to know how to have enough computing power to hack his way into an SD card on his phone without too much effort.

"Sad, but at least you can continue being your nerdy self and make sure they appreciate you for your skills."

_That, or for your voyeuristic tendencies._

"Yeah," he answered absentmindedly and wondered why Hoseok hadn't knocked him out or choked him for taking the SD card. After all, there had been a whole week during which the older man hadn't said a single word to him, only when others were around and asked him to make them coffee as the student slave. There was no way that the SD card didn't matter, but apparently something changed when he decided to watch Hoseok bend their boss over the table.

_He doesn't even like doing it, trying to distract himself by focusing on random bits of his body, so why is he doing it?_

One might have thought somebody was forcing the guy to sleep with their boss and be all flirty and sweet while he actually hated whiny people, talking and being touched.

_Impressive how much you know just from watching him fuck. One might think you are a detective._

He chewed on his cheek and rolled his eyes at himself and his pathetic attempts to distract from the fact that he had wanted to crack the SD card without Hoseok watching. In the end, not talking had done the trick, even if Hyungwon had forgotten why he had wanted to distract in the first place by then.

_Why would you rile yourself up like that while watching him? Who the hell can program decently after that?_

Hyungwon sighed again because the answer was a simple one. He was curious, fascinated by the fact that he could tease a reaction out of the other man and utterly convinced that he would do a better job. Hoseok was a safer option job-wise, even if much more dangerous on literally every other category.

_What's with your priorities?_

"You know what I hate?" Minhyuk remarked suddenly and closed his book forcefully, looking annoyed. The question pulled him from his thoughts which he was immensely thankful for.

"What?" he asked and looked around to see how many other people were still around. Most students didn't bother coming during the semester holidays unless they had to repeat exams, so it was quiet and only a few other tables were occupied.

_Nobody to get unnecessarily curious about your hobbies._

"The concept of 'deflowering'. You know what I mean? It's as if as soon as there is a dick inside _once_ , the person stops being a flower, both men and women. I'm still a fucking flower, okay? And I'm as tight as the first time, jackass." Since his best friend got louder towards the end, the elderly lady made her way towards them and tapped his shoulder, hissing at him to be quiet.

Hyungwon chuckled and glanced around again to see if anybody was disturbed by them.

"I get it," he remarked and was just about to return his attention to his book when his eyes fell on a guy wearing a large grey hoodie, ripped jeans and typing something on his laptop. There was nothing unusual about the guy and at first he didn't realize what had caught his attention until he saw the guy chew on his lips, literally the only thing that was visible under the hood, before licking over the curved mouth corners.

_No way._

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he fixed his glasses, suddenly concerned that he had started to see things that weren't there. Hoseok didn't seem the type to hang around outside unless it was in a leather jacket and dangerous areas. Somehow a library didn't seem like the place for him, that is until Hyungwon realized how perfectly anonymous it was.

_He can work in peace without anybody bothering him or recognizing him because of the hoodie._

"Since when are you into buff guys? I thought you liked seducing fancy, tall guys," Minhyuk murmured and poked his shoulder. "You can't even see the guy's face and you said you're done with muscles for good."

_He has a point there._

Even though Hyungwon wasn't planning on sucking anybody's dick in the esoteric section since nobody went there, he had still promised himself to adjust his preferences accordingly. His actions over the past week didn't really suggest that it was working.

"It's not about that," he murmured and neatly arranged his books in a pile, hiding the most relevant ones at the bottom and with the title towards him. "Would you be terribly upset if I left you now?"

Minhyuk was quiet at first and leaned back in his chair, metaphor book flipped open on a random page. "Go in peace, but go," he read out and gestured for him to leave, small grin slowly spreading into a full-blown one.

_He thinks you find him hot._

Hyungwon didn't comment on that, because even if that wasn't his current point, the assertion was still true. Making sure to be quiet, he walked over to the table that Hoseok occupied all by himself. He didn't want to be obvious and show himself immediately, so he purposefully stayed behind Hoseok and took a glance over the other man's shoulder at his screen, grateful that his glasses were decent enough to correct his vision.

He first didn't get what was going on, but after watching for a few minutes he got that it was the current stock market and some program was running in the back giving out alerts and when it did, Hoseok opened a syntax and wrote code into it quickly. After observing a little longer, Hyungwon understood that the other man was accessing the system and apparently purchasing stocks through some kind of shortcut and also without using any identification.

_Is that how he makes money?_

The idea that Hoseok was working in sales seemed even more ridiculous and Hyungwon had absolutely no doubt that it was an excuse to get into the start-up. The only problem was that they didn't have much to offer, nothing apart from their awesome software.

_And your boss' ass apparently._

Hyungwon grimaced at his own thoughts and realized that the elderly woman was throwing him a suspicious look, probably because he was standing around and watching somebody else's screen like a stalker.

_She's good at what she does._

He decided that he had seen enough, especially considering that Hoseok managed to buy stocks without identifying himself in any way.

_Did he cheat the currently implemented system? It must suck._

Hugging his books closer to his chest, he smiled at the woman watching him and finally walked around the table to the chair across from Hoseok.

"May I join?" he asked and placed his five books on the wooden table.

Hoseok lifted his head slowly, eyes jumping over his features and his books and gradually closed the lid of his grey laptop. "You're attentive," the low voice commented.

_Did he see you before you saw him?_

"You saw me too? Or are you surprised that I recognized you?" He smiled and realized that it must have been weird to see him in clothes that fit. He also decided not to remark on the fact that Hoseok was attempting to hide that he manipulated the stock market. In public.

_Isn't that shit illegal?_

"Actually, I only saw your friend because he's fucking loud. I didn't think that I'm easily recognizable when I hang out here, but I guess you're a special case." Hoseok placed his head on his sweater paw and licked over his lips briefly. "Studying? Isn't it semester break?"

The other man looked almost innocent in that hoodie of his, not like somebody who bought shares without identification in a public library, choked people in parks and easily pretended to be a salesman while probably being able to code with his eyes closed.

"It's never the wrong time to study and I have a goal." He pointed at the book on the top which was for mobile programming and smiled. He also noted that Hoseok mentioned being at the library more frequently. "I don't think it's difficult to recognize you considering that your lips are very memorable."

He belatedly realized that it sounded like an allusion towards their nightly encounter, but it was the truth, so he didn't bother to correct it.

"Memorable, huh?" Hoseok licked over his curved mouth and reached out, pushing two books down from his stack with his index finger. "I see you're giving your best. I hope you'll get a good grade in 'No password is forever: Accessing mobile memory cards'."

_Fuck._

Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth before placing the other two books on top again.

"It's my favourite subject," he whispered and examined Hoseok's face to determine if there was anger or discomfort.

_He was angry when you watched him fuck, calling you a 'little shit'._

"And I thought with your skills you would've already figured it out, but I guess I overestimated you, my disappointment is endless. Don't bother and give it back, there's nothing interesting on there." Hoseok tilted his head and stretched out his sweater paw.

Hyungwon tried to swallow down the bitterness at Hoseok's comment concerning his skills and the instant desire to defend himself. There was no reason to defend himself and if Hoseok knew why he hadn't cracked it yet, he wouldn't allow him a single night alone at the office.

_Unless it's really not that important, but his eyes say otherwise._

"I don't have a computer at home, so I'm trying to challenge myself," he replied and shrugged, ignoring his own advice. "You'll get it back once I learned something new."

"It's not interesting or important, but I still don't want it to get around. It had a bit of sentimental value but it's meaningless now, so just destroy it after you're done playing." Pulling his hand back, Hoseok propped his elbow on the table and rested his cheek on his palm, watching him. "How it is possible that you don't have a computer as a computer science student? Are you lying? But why?"

_No point pretending that you have a better reason than the truth._

"They're expensive." He shrugged and stared at his books instead of Hoseok's face. "I don't want one of those shitty ones that most people get. I can barely do anything on that, not to mention be fast enough for certain security systems. It will just be a waste of money, so I'm waiting until I have enough money for a decent one. The one at work is pretty good, so I use that and do everything else on my phone."

"Mhm. Understandable. I told Matteo to lease some laptops, but it'll take some time until they come. I guess, until then, you'll have to watch me bend him over the desk. At least the next few times."

Hyungwon chuckled at that, surprised that they were now addressing everything without shame or pretending that it didn't happen. He liked that somehow.

_Because there is nothing to be ashamed about._

"Sounds like you do it as frequently as I get breakthroughs in the middle of the night. The two of us must be training different organs." He mirrored Hoseok's stance by resting his head on his palm and pointed at the closed laptop. "Aren't I keeping you from what you were doing? Feel free to continue."

"You make me want to live over there to witness some of your shows, mister. But why would I do what I was doing when you're sitting across from me and are being all attentive?" A brief smile passed over the handsome face and Hoseok brushed through his black bangs that were hanging into his eyes.

_Of course he won't continue when he knows that you might see something you're not supposed to. You probably know too much already._

Still, it felt like it wasn't enough. His motive didn't make sense yet, especially since their boss had nothing to do with shares. If Hoseok had a way to ditch all identity verification, then why would he be interested in a secure system that made it possible?

_You really need to get into that SD card._

"Maybe you want to challenge me. I told you that I like challenges," he replied and couldn't resist tilting his head to observe Hoseok's face from above the edge of his glasses. He knew that it had more of an effect, even if it compromised his vision.

"And what kind of challenge do you have in mind?" The round eyes widened briefly before returning to their usual knowing gaze that made the other man seem so mysterious, as if Hoseok knew exactly what was going on while he was trying to find his way in the dark.

_But you must have surprised him at first, the question is with what._

"You could test how much I am able to figure out from the tiny hints you leave behind. Of course you could also try to find out whether I'm just a big talker or there is actual skill hiding behind my words." _What are you doing, Hyungwon?_ "Libraries are usually known for requiring absolute silence. Are you confident in that?"

"Whether I'm confident in being quiet? I was quiet just fine before you came to talk to me. You are pretty smart, that's why I'm doing my best not to talk to you, unless you mean that you miss my lips because they're so _memorable_." Hoseok licked over his curved mouth and stared at him from under his bangs. Thinking about it, the disguise was perfect. Hoseok looked his age even though he was pretty sure that the black-haired man was older.

_He doesn't talk to you because you must already know too much. Not enough to be hurt, but enough for it to make a difference._

Hyungwon knew all that. It was obvious and he was probably lucky that Hoseok didn't know that he had observed his screen before joining him at the table. The only way that allowed him to take a step closer towards the other man was when he got angry and lost his cool or when those eyes turned round and surprised as they had just a moment ago.

_You're really not listening to your own resolutions._

"I meant whether you are confident in being silent while my mouth is otherwise occupied, Hoseok."

"Me? Considering that you've seen your boss blowing me I would say you must know that I don't make many sounds and the ones I've made were mostly because you were staring at me with your big eyes from the dark hallway. Who knows, maybe I was scared," Hoseok commented and grinned brightly, eyes not leaving his face.

_He's admitting to enjoying the way you watch him so easily._

Hyungwon sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, tracing the texture with his tongue as he tried to think whether this was even a good idea. None of his usual concerns applied, namely work environment, somebody who has influence over him and-

_And guys like him basically._

He let his bottom lip slip out of his mouth, feeling how it must have gotten swollen from abusing it like that. It was probably perfect to make his point, but Hoseok seemed so easy-going about it that Hyungwon felt like he was going to be rejected again.

"That was an offer, Hoseok," he murmured, just loud enough for the two of them to hear and eyes still holding the other man's gaze. Maybe it was the attire and the way black bangs covered Hoseok's forehead, but there were no alarm bells ringing in his head.

"You really are looking for all kinds of excitement." Hoseok lifted an eyebrow, but contrary to his unaffected look, Hyungwon could feel the other man's leg between his own.

_Is he accepting without saying it out loud?_

"Maybe because you're still providing it," he breathed out and could feel his body heat up at the implications, the fact that they were in the library and he had just offered to take a man he was still trying to figure out into his mouth.

_You haven't changed a single bit, have you?_

"I'm not sure that I am, but it makes me curious, even though I shouldn't be." Hoseok stroked over his calf and the side of his thigh while chewing on his lips and not removing his gaze from his face, not even for a second. The light in the library was so intense that he could see blush spreading on the pretty cheeks.

_He must be thinking about it, just like you are._

Hyungwon's lips were tingling from the mere thought of showing Hoseok that he could do better, that the reactions he was going to pull from him were real, just like they had been when he only stood in the dark hallway, watching.

"Curiosity should be satisfied," he whispered, this time no louder than an exhale as he pushed his chair back and stood up, waiting for Hoseok to do the same. This was more difficult than their office. He couldn't just push the broad man against a bookshelf and sink to his knees. They had to find some privacy first and for that Hoseok had to be willing, sufficiently willing to go with him while Minhyuk hopefully watched over their stuff.

_Since when are you so impatient?_

"One second," Hoseok whispered and opened his laptop, typing something quickly for a few seconds before closing the lid and standing up.

_Even now he is so careful, aware that somebody could see something they aren't meant to see._

Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth to keep them wet and made his way towards the back section of the library, large shelves that reached all the way to the ceiling, filled with books. The further he walked towards some of the secluded spaces, the louder his heart was beating inside his chest. It was so loud that he couldn't tell if Hoseok had even followed him, not until he reached the final end of the esoteric section where there wasn't even enough illumination from the top to read all the titles.

The same tingling in his lips returned as he glanced in the direction where he came from.

Hoseok was leaning against one of the shelves and observing him with his arms crossed in front of his chest. The sight made the whole thing so much more real and at least twice as exciting. Adrenaline joined the blood in his veins and he made his way towards the other man, lips still swollen and tingling from chewing on them so much.

_You know that he doesn't like touching much._

Licking his lips one more time for good measure, he slowly sank to his knees while observing the expression on Hoseok's face. Hyungwon's hands were motionless on his thighs, waiting for the time they were needed. He had to know if Hoseok changed his mind or if he still wanted this enough to have blush cover his cheeks and breathy gasps to leave his lips as soon as Hyungwon used his tongue.

Instead of crossing his arms, Hoseok let them fall to his sides, one hand reaching for his hair and hesitantly sinking into his strands. It felt intense and he had realized it before that Hoseok touched while applying less pressure compared to other people, so that the sensation seemed light like a feather.

He closed his eyes briefly and moved along with it to show that he enjoyed it, lips parted because his lungs were already requiring more air in preparation. Hoseok disliked being touched, but the way he had touched him in return seemed to have been arousing to him. It was another mystery that Hyungwon didn't know how to solve yet, but one that he accepted.

Still keeping his hands on his thighs, he opened his eyes and crawled closer, nose brushing over the fabric of Hoseok's jeans until he used his lips to mouth along the other man's clothed groin, exhaling against the fabric.

_When he tightens his grip, you know that he must be feeling good._

Hoseok was looking at him and chewing on his lips as air left the round nose quickly. He could feel Hoseok's fingertips carefully brushing over his scalp. How that person was able to choke somebody unconscious was another mystery.

Hyungwon liked the tender touches though because that was how he liked to build up the tension, to go slow and have arousal begin at the fingertips and spread throughout the whole body until it was almost unbearable.

He placed kisses along the zipper of Hoseok's ripped jeans until he used his tongue to open the button and his teeth to pull down the zipper. He enjoyed the scent too, the way it suited Hoseok and encouraged him to lick along the outline of the other man's still clothed, but hardening length.

Hoseok somehow managed to still keep his mouth shut and only breathed through his nose even though it was visible that his inhales got quicker. It was indeed a challenge and the fact that he still needed to contribute to Hoseok's arousal was an example of that.

_But you like it that way._

He closed his lips around the base and mouthed his way towards the tip, sucking briefly and enjoying that he couldn't feel the texture yet while at the same time being able to tell how the erection got firmer and pushed against his tongue on its own.

It seemed as if Hoseok used the touch of his hand instead of words, massaging his scalp and stroking over his head when he liked it, fingers perfectly mirroring how he was feeling.

_It's so tender. He wasn't like this at all when you observed._

Hyungwon felt his own arousal build up steadily with each touch of his lips and tongue, fueling it by being slow and thorough. Only when he felt like he had licked and sucked on every available inch of Hoseok's now fully erect length, did he use his hand to pull down the black underwear and have the wet tip touch his lips. The other man had a gorgeous dick, thick and long with prominent veins that he felt tempted to trace with his fingers, but followed with his tongue instead.

Glancing up, he watched the expression on the handsome face while licking some precum from the slit.

Hoseok visibly held his breath before releasing all the air at once through his nose and licked over his curved mouth that looked red from the continuous chewing. The fingers in his hair continued their path and he felt a careful tug when he played with the slit.

_He's testing it out while still being so careful._

Hyungwon enjoyed it, much more so than he expected himself to. The quiet breaths and signs of pleasure made him want to do the same thing in a more private place, if only to know whether Hoseok would try to be quiet then too. This time it was different from what he had observed, from the closed eyes and the focus Hoseok had on coming, as if he had been trying to get it over with quickly.

_Now he's encouraging you because he likes it._

Hyungwon couldn't wait to feel the tip rub over the back of his throat, but he was patient, sucking at the tip first before working his way further. He loved the sudden twitches that followed or the way Hoseok's thighs flexed involuntarily, simply because the single spark of pleasure felt intense on its own.

When he felt like he prepared himself sufficiently to take all of Hoseok, he reached out with his right hand to remove his glasses and rubbed his lips over the tip again, wetting them a little. After a deep breath, he slowly slipped the length into his mouth, as far as he was able to until it reached the back of his throat. He almost shuddered because he liked it so much and tilted his head to be able to take the rest, lips brushing over the skin at the base.

He felt a tug on his hair that was accompanied by a rough breath that was audible but only because of the force that the other man used to exhale. There was still no sound, but the way Hoseok twitched inside his mouth and how the left hand joined Hoseok's right around his head spoke for him.

Hyungwon hummed, unable to help it and thereby making the first sound that didn't stem from the shelves or the sound his lips made as they slipped along the whole length of Hoseok's dick. He used a few seconds to get used to the way it felt in his throat, swallowing a few times before moving back and following up on the signs that Hoseok was giving him. His movements got faster and a little more daring, constantly rubbing the head over his throat as he used his tongue on the rest.

His own arousal burned between his legs and in his lips, causing him to whimper each time Hoseok tugged at his hair and to take more as a reward.

Hoseok's curved lips parted releasing more air, cheeks blushed and fingers raking through his locks and tugging on them as he attempted to hold his breath a few times, accompanied by twitches that he felt between his lips.

_He gets to you._

When he felt like he couldn't bear the growing tension any longer, Hyungwon stilled his own movements and let his hands travel towards the grip in his hair, encouraging the other man to move him as he enjoyed, slipping into his mouth according to his own pace. His fingers were careful, trying to not touch too much while showing what he meant and wanted Hoseok to do.

_He knows best how quickly he wants it and whether he enjoys teasing himself._

Hoseok nodded, biting down on his bottom lip and reaching for his hands as he took them and placed them on his thighs.

_He wants you to push back if it gets too much._

Hyungwon nodded too and kept his fingers light, just like Hoseok touched him even though his body burned to let his hands roam the muscular thighs.

Inhaling sharply, Hoseok kept the grip on his hair and started moving, observing him and letting out silent gasps and holding his breath once in a while. When the twitches got more frequent and Hoseok had trouble keeping the exhales soft, he took one of his hands and led it towards his stomach, slipping it under the hoodie and letting him feel how the defined abdominal muscles contracted under his fingertips when he came with a gasp and tugged on his hair.

Hyungwon liked it so much that he barely contained a moan even though he never dared to be loud, feeling the sound vibrate along Hoseok's length while the other man's release travelled down his throat. He dared to trace the firm abdomen while he still could, letting his fingers explore each dip as he worked with Hoseok's sensitivity and sucked just enough for it to still be pleasant.

When he had no excuse anymore, he licked from the base to the tip one last time and leaned back, both hands returning to his own lap as he tried to catch his breath. His vision was blurry, so he reached for his glasses and put them back on, eyes observing Hoseok's face as soon as they were able to.

The handsome man had closed the button of his jeans and reached down, pulling him back to his feet and still trying to catch his breath.

"Now I want to taste you too, but I want to know what kind of sounds you can make," Hoseok whispered, glancing at him with his round black eyes and blushed cheeks.

_He gets to you so easily, as if a few words and some praise are enough._

"I don't make any sounds," he whispered, but felt the sudden need to be closer, to have their thighs brush and Hoseok's arm to wrap around his waist again to pull him close. "But I also regret asking you to be quiet."

Suddenly he felt like he understood why his boss had suddenly asked Hoseok to bend him over the table after sucking him off, even though their experiences were completely different ones.

_It's probably because you're aroused._

"Do you really not make any sounds?" The black-haired man stepped closer and he could see how red and swollen his lips were but probably still nothing compared to his own. Suddenly, Hoseok lifted his sweater paw with one single index finger stretched out and stroked over his lips, light like a feather. "It's okay. You don't have to."

Hyungwon couldn't explain it, but his lips trembled against the warm finger and his vision blurred a little. He took a deep breath to get rid of the heavy feeling in his chest and the words that seemed to make it better even though they should have been meaningless.

"I-" he began, but didn't even know what to say, leaving the word in the air without a conclusion. His eyes returned to look at Hoseok's dark ones and somehow he could understand why the other man hated talking.

Sometimes it was better to say nothing at all.

***

His eyes opened almost instantly, searching for the darker moldy spot on the ceiling but instead of the blurry grey patch there was only white plaster.

_You're out. It was one of those dreams._

Covering his single bed with the thin grey blanket, he walked the few steps to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, glancing at his reflection in the mirror and checking whether he could spot any changes in his face, but he was still pale, black eyes that looked a little bigger than usual because he had lost some weight, mouth corners curved upwards and making him look friendly like the teacher at the orphanage once said, giving him hope that he would get adopted. He might have needed a haircut, but there was no time for that and maybe no real need either.

Taking the red toothbrush from the sink, he brushed his teeth for two minutes and washed his face, removing the white stains from the tap and drying his hands on the grey towel on the side before taking a pair of black jeans and a black shirt out of the drawer. He didn't own many clothes, there was no need for that and the ones that he had were more than enough for the few places he went. Work, library, bar.

His phone blinked with a message notification from Matteo, asking to meet after work and he wondered whether he needed to be more affectionate for the other man to leave Roberto as he replied with a 'sure' and added a 'I miss you' right after.

_Just make sure that he doesn't see you stroking over Hyungwon's hair while he is blowing you. He will misunderstand._

It was unlike him to act on thoughts that had nothing to do with his goal and he didn't need anything from the tall computer science student, at least nothing that he could've gotten by letting him suck his dick and stroking over his swollen lips.

_He is too smart and way too curious. Don't pull him into this._

Hoseok was wondering whether Hyungwon had managed to look at the patents he had never submitted and realize that the verification software he had been working on was something that was stolen from him.

_But it doesn't matter. It's just a side story and you promised to let go. There's no use and it's meaningless now unless you can use it against him._

Glancing at his grey notebook, he chewed on his cheek and wondered about the right time to implement the main part of his plan. He was impatient but he couldn't be. There was only one chance and he needed it to be 100% successful and to eliminate anything that increased his chances of failure.

_He's not a risk for now, or is he?_

Hoseok chewed on his lips, remembering the look in Hyungwon's gigantic eyes that glanced up at him and the strange feeling that accompanied his pleasure because the other man didn't try to touch him.

_You need him to hack into the system to collect evidence that Roberto will try to verify his deals with a different name. He's important because you can't do that._

Hoseok was good, but watching Hyungwon overcome all the defense mechanisms of the software that he thought he made impossible to hack, gave him a glimpse of the other man's skills and his importance for whatever was going to happen when the whole thing started rolling.

_But you can't involve him too much._

Hoseok had other problems to deal with today, like the fact that they had their weekly team meeting where he had to sit in the same spot for three hours. Last time he had thrown his body against the wall on the staircase because the tension made him want to scream.

_Be careful not to attract too much attention._

He ran up the stairs and smiled at the garbage humans sitting around and doing nothing but drinking the espresso that Hyungwon probably prepared for them before walking into their office and taking off the leather jacket that he wore because Milan had blessed him with a few rays of sunshine.

Hyungwon looked up from his computer screen as soon as he entered, closing a window which wasn't particularly subtle and examining him intently.

"That jacket is also memorable," the slim boy remarked before returning his attention to his screen again. "Only the pockets aren't deep enough so when you make bigger movements, you might end up losing something."

He observed the look on Hyungwon's face as he placed his jacket on the backrest of his office chair and wondered if their meeting in the park had been one of the reasons for Hyungwon's curiosity.

"Well, usually people don't randomly touch me on the street, so I don't need to make big movements, but I'll pay attention, thank you for your advice."

"You're right," the boy muttered and chewed on his cheek while typing a random line into his code. "I was scared, that's why I ran after you and tried to hold on. Either way, don't let me keep you from your meeting for important people."

"I would rather jump out of the window, but thank you," he glitched for a second before clearing his throat and fixing the position of his jeans that rode a little too low on his hips. "You looked scared, but nothing happened, so I guess that's good."

Suddenly Hyungwon smiled and turned his chair towards him while one hand still adjusted something in the code briefly.

"Want me to pretend there is an emergency and get you out earlier? I have something that I want to show you." Sucking his lips into his mouth, the black-haired boy turned back towards his code and switched operating systems. "But I can also show you afterwards. Preferably later in the day."

"I'll be okay," he lied. "Later is when? Because I have other responsibilities I have to take care of."

Hyungwon seemed unsure at first even though he didn't even look in Hoseok's direction. His fingers kept typing furiously instead of using the mouse and a few more seconds passed until Hoseok finally got an answer.

"Preferably when nobody else is there, but it's also not urgent. Feel free to fulfil your responsibilities. I'll be here anyway."

"Then be careful of what you're doing because you won't be alone," he murmured and licked his lips, glancing in the direction of Matteo's office.

Hyungwon didn't look at him, eyes fixed on the screen. The only change was the lack of typing noises in the air as those long fingers stopped suddenly and hung motionless above the keyboard.

"Mmh," Hyungwon hummed softly. "I'll keep it in mind."

Hoseok didn't say anything because there was nothing to reply to. He took the black notebook from his desk and left the office, mentally begging for the meeting to end sooner.

_

When Matteo smiled at him and said that the meeting was over he couldn't see well because of how blurred his vision was from the tension in his neck. Muttering a brief 'see you later' he left the stuffy meeting room and rushed towards the staircase. His head seemed full of a red mist, like looking into a bright light through closed eyes and he grabbed the railing so tightly that his joints cracked as he rushed down to the basement, hoping that nobody would find him there. His muscles were spasming and he felt like fainting when he arrived downstairs, his vision blurred and he punched the closest surface he could find, metallic noise sounding sharp in his ears as he sank down the wall. There was sharp pain that slowly spread from his knuckles to his hand and he opened his eyes briefly, enough to watch red drops develop on his knuckles.

_The pain always manages to pull you out._

He chuckled and reached for the pocket of his jeans, pulling a cigarette out of the fancy case and closing his lips around the filter as he had to use his healthy hand to take out his lighter and light it. His hand hurt but it was still better than going insane, so he leaned against the wall and filled his lungs with smoke, placing his bleeding hand next to his hips.

When the pain reached his mouth he took out the butt and put it out on the floor next to him, lips hurting because he spaced out and burned them. The day was not going very well.

_You can't stay here forever, you need to get out, go to the pharmacy, put something around your hand and go back._

He didn't feel like it, he felt like fainting from the painful sensations and sincerely hoped that he didn't break any bones, not knowing for sure because his hand felt like a blood-covered lump of pain. Listening to his own heartbeat, Hoseok closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, using the technique from when he had to frequently deal with all kinds of bruises and broken bones and thinking about the way his blood made its way from his heart to the wound on the back of his hand, taking the pain and letting it escape with the tiny drops.

Steps echoing off the basement walls caught his attention and forced him to open his eyes and look up. A figure was standing on the single flight of stairs that led down and he needed a few moments to be able to focus on loose jeans, an equally loose black shirt and wide, brown eyes hidden behind glasses.

"What… happened?" Hyungwon whispered as he slowly made his way towards him. The boy's steps were careful, almost silent as he came closer.

Hyungwon must have been afraid seeing him like that, knuckles bleeding and drops hitting the dirty basement floor in an irregular pattern. The wide eyes and hesitant steps were enough to conclude that he probably looked dangerous.

_Maybe you are._

"Nothing much," he pressed out in reply and stood up after the third attempt, using his healthy hand to push himself from the ground. "What are you doing down here?"

"Sit down," Hyungwon muttered instead of replying to his question and seemed to consider reaching out to push his shoulders down before changing his mind. "Please."

Chewing on his cheek, the tall boy made his way towards a white box at the other side of the wall. A red cross was drawn on it, the first aid kit.

_Maybe you should've punched that one._

"Why?" he couldn't trust anybody to take care of him when he was half aware. People usually just waited for situations like that.

"So I can take care of your hand. It looks painful." Hyungwon took several items out of the first aid aid kit and made his way towards him before sitting down, thighs touching briefly until the boy gave him more space. "Will you let me?"

He glanced at his hand that looked smashed and briefly assessed how long it would take him to do it himself with one hand and swallowed. It didn't look good for him, so he let himself fall back on the floor, sweat running down his temples because of the pain and nodded.

He could feel Hyungwon's eyes on his first before the cool fingers reached for his wrist and carefully lifted it to rest on a tissue that the boy put on his own thigh.

"I'll disinfect it and clean it up, but it might need stitches." Hyungwon was tender while touching him, tapping a bit of cotton on his knuckles to disinfect the wound and wipe away the blood. When one was soaked, the boy grabbed the next and repeated the procedure.

"Give me a second," Hyungwon commented and placed his hand and the tissue on the cold basement floor before hurrying over to the back. Hoseok heard water running and the sound of a door opening before Hyungwon was back.

"Let me cool it first. That might help with the bleeding." Something freezing touched the back of his hand and a brief glance revealed that it must have been a cool pack wrapped in a few tissues which took some of the pain away. Next, Hyungwon lifted a soaked towel and leaned over him, brown eyes examining his face and seemingly dreamlike as the boy was blocking the white lamp on the ceiling.

_Maybe you've finally lost your fucking mind._

Hyungwon used the wet cloth to wipe over his face, cool sensation welcoming and only adding to the strangeness of the situation.

"You're sweating. Is it because of the pain?" the boy's voice whispered while the wet cloth travelled over his forehead down to his neck.

"Who knows, maybe I'm hot," he whispered, biting on his bottom lip to distract from a sharp pain in his knuckles.

"The cooling should help," Hyungwon commented quietly and left the wet towel on his forehead as he stood up and made his way towards the first aid kit again. "There are no painkillers in here and even the cool packs are usually for the PCs when the cooling system breaks down. This place is really shittily equipped for situations like this. I only know how to sew the eye of a teddy bear back into place, fuck."

Hurrying back to sit next to him, Hyungwon took his hurt hand and the tissue and returned them to his lap, fingers carefully stroking over his wrist where the cool pack ended.

"Don't worry, I won't need your teddy bear sewing skills today. Go back. I'll be fine. Why… are you even down here? I don't think I've ever seen you running to the basement for anything."

The boy chuckled and didn't show any signs of going back to the office.

"Usually they send me down if they want a new keyboard or mouse because thiers broke. Also for more coffee beans cause I'm the boy for everything," Hyungwon explained and turned the cool pack on the back of his hand after a while, returning the freezing feeling that numbed the pain. "Today you seem to be the reason I'm here."

_Did he see you losing your shit and follow you?_

"Why?" he asked again, wondering how many words he needed to say until he finally got the answer he wanted. Being in pain didn't go well with his usual impatience. His wrist hurt.

Hyungwon wiped over his face and neck before answering him, glasses askew again, but the boy didn't seem to realize with how preoccupied he was.

"Well, judging by how deformed the fuse panel is, I'm guessing that it made you angry and you decided to give us a little power outage. They sent me to check what was wrong and I found you instead." The boy's hands carefully unwrapped the cool pack and used a fresh one, covering it in tissues before applying it to his knuckles. "Does it help?"

_You punched the power distribution box._

"Close your eyes," he whispered and turned to look at the boy.

Hyungwon seemed surprised, fingers pausing on his wrist and holding the cool pack in place instead. Those brown eyes observed him at first, passing over his features before Hyungwon nodded and let his eyes flutter shut.

He inhaled, held his breath and lifted his wrist, tears running down his cheeks. He must've broken a bone because it usually didn't hurt like this. It took a few moments before the pain got a little better as he gritted his teeth, moving the joint to the right and to the left and looking at the red blue color on his knuckles, waiting for the reaction to fade.

Hyungwon's hands were still holding onto the cool pack, but those big eyes remained shut even though his hand was gone.

"Is it your pain that you don't want me to see?" the boy's voice asked eventually and Hoseok watched as Hyungwon let his left hand slide over the basement floor until it reached his shoulder and finally the wet cloth. With careful fingers, Hyungwon brushed over his forehead and neck one more time before placing the cloth on his lap along with the cool pack. Still, the boy's eyes remained closed. "It is your right."

_Why does he talk about it as if he knows?_

"I went a bit overboard this time. Usually I have enough awareness to keep my bones intact. I'm not the type to cry in other people's arms and get my sweat wiped." Hoseok wiped over his cheek and took the wet cloth to remove some of the blood stains on Hyungwon's long fingers. "I'm better now, so… I'll try to fix the power distributor."

"Are you also not the type to let your wounds be treated?" Hyungwon asked while keeping his eyes closed and sitting next to him, hands turning a little pink from the cool pack that he was holding through soaked tissues. "I can take care of the fuse panel. After all, I'm the boy for everything."

"You're not. You're the Kobe steak, did you forget? You can open your eyes, I'm not crying and wincing anymore, so you can look. I'll take care of it at home, I just need to get something to wrap around my knuckles so I can go to my rendezvous without scaring people off." He grinned and moved his wrist again, hissing briefly and held his breath.

Hyungwon's eyes fluttered open, taking him by surprise at first because of the difference they made on the boy's face. He had really big eyes, especially when his glasses were askew and didn't hide them behind thick lenses.

"Let me take care of that," the boy murmured and reached for a few other packed materials that were located next to his hips. Hoseok hadn't been aware enough to know what Hyungwon brought from the first aid kit.

Grabbing a bandage, Hyungwon opened the packaging and unwrapped it quickly, hands stuttering because of the cool pack he had been holding all this time. The boy reached for his hand, eyes attentive and touch light as if he wanted to keep it as minimal as possible. Just like in the library.

"Won't you need your right hand to at least drive to your rendezvous?" Hyungwon asked and began to wrap the bandage around his knuckles, neither too painfully firm nor too loose to hold. When the boy used up most of it, he lifted the edge of the bandage to his lips and ripped it in half, thereby enabling him to tie the ends together around his hand. Suddenly Hyungwon chuckled. "You know, if you really wanted to, I doubt that you'd need bloody knuckles to scare somebody off."

_Why is he taking care of you, Hoseok? Why are you letting him?_

"You would be unconscious in less than a minute even if I only had my bloody hand." He smiled and pushed the cool packs from Hyungwon's lap. "Well, as far as I assumed you were planning on attending my rendezvous, so I will make sure to be sufficiently aware to drive back. I can take you along again if you like."

"That would be nice." Hyungwon smiled back and grabbed the materials he used up or didn't need before standing up. When the tall boy almost lost his balance, he chuckled nervously, probably a little embarrassed that he was shaky even though the blood covering the basement floor and partially his hands and jeans wasn't his.

Hyungwon threw the packaging into one of the bins and returned everything else to the first aid kit. Next, he walked over to the fuse panel which was obviously deformed, metal bending in the middle to form a big dent. Fumbling with the lock, Hyungwon finally opened it and adjusted a few switches before closing it again.

"Done, almost like new," the boy whispered after pressing against the dent from the other side and minimally improving it. "Looks like I was using too much power at once and forced it to short-circuit. Gotta be more careful next time."

Only when Hyungwon turned around and made his way towards the stairway, Hoseok realized that it was the excuse the tall boy decided to tell.

"Don't cover for me," he whispered and smiled, walking towards the tall man with his back straight and not showing any signs of the pulling pain that he felt with every motion. "I would never expect that from you."

"Which is why that Kobe steak can make its own decisions."

Hyungwon met his gaze one more time before fixing his glasses and hurrying up the stairs. His loose shirt rode just low enough to hide the dark spots on his jeans.

_Independent, huh?_

Hoseok sighed, feeling light pressure on his temples that came from the knowledge that the said Kobe steak cared about him enough to sit on the basement floor with his eyes closed, listen to him hiss in pain and freeze his hands with cool packs without saying a single word.

_This sucks._

_

"Are you sure that it will be okay with your hand? Did the doc say that you can use it?" Matteo was roaming his back with his warm hands after pulling his shirt over his head. Hoseok decided that he needed to sacrifice being touched more for the other man to feel better, so he acted out quick breaths, even though he was trying not to shudder because the touches weren't right.

_Not like his. He pays attention and it feels so light. Does he know that you don't like it when it's sudden and rough?_

Hoseok doubted it and his eyes glanced towards the hallway once in a while, unfortunately without meeting familiar brown eyes. It was a bit disappointing, but somehow also better this way.

_Maybe he finally got the message that you don't want to be helped and that it's better to stay as far away as possible._

He still hoped that Hyungwon would show him his skills without wanting anything else from him. The prospect of losing the opportunity to see the computer science student use his extraordinary talent kind of hurt. In a professional way.

_But you're not here for professional stuff. You're here to fuck Matteo and make him feel taken care of._

"The doc said I can use it," he lied and smiled, stroking over Matteo's neck and down his shoulders. "Aren't you… uncomfortable coming here all the time? I want to make you feel really good, but the positions are quite limited. I mean… I know that you have somebody, but we are meeting often and I honestly don't see the point in making yourself miserable with him when you can have all the good things," Hoseok whispered, pulling the other man on top of the desk.

"By the good things you mean yourself don't you? I mean, you're right, but it's a little complicated and I wanted to tell him next week when he figured out the stuff with his stocks. Now he barely has time."

Hoseok nodded and licked his lips, satisfied that Roberto was panicking because of the sudden stock purchases. The hands on his back disturbed him a little, but it was nothing compared to the way that he almost lost it when Matteo's lips caught his all of a sudden.

_What the fuck?_

Hands curled into fists, he exhaled sharply, carefully leaning back to not look as if he was fucking overwhelmed by sudden kisses that came out of nowhere, considering that they hadn't done any of it before.

_You never wanted to do any of it in the first place._

"I'm sorry that he doesn't have time. But I do, so I want to make you feel really good," he muttered with as much confidence as he had and gestured for the other man to turn around. Thankfully a grin followed and Matteo complied without attempting to kiss him again.

_Why would he? It was okay before._

He opened the button of his jeans, remembering how Hyungwon sat in front of him and pulled his zipper with his teeth. The image led to more arousing ones and he hissed, stroking himself and thankful that it was easier to get hard than it had been before. The condom followed and he lubed up, stroking over the other man's back before he pushed himself inside with a hiss, eyes closed and mind showing him a scene in the library that he could remember in full detail.

_At least you have something that you can think about._

Matteo moaned and asked him to move faster, he complied, remembering Hyungwon's big eyes and how the boy adjusted his hands around his head to let him move by himself. It was like a complicated theater piece that he simultaneously created, watched and acted in.

After they developed a rhythm, he opened his eyes once and glanced into the dark hallway without any expectations, only to see Hyungwon leaning against the door frame again, as if he had always been there and Hoseok merely failed to notice him before. The black-haired boy had his lips parted the way he remembered it as those big eyes watched the expression on his face instead of passing over his moving body. One might have thought the eye contact was more arousing than the sight.

_Maybe he likes watching you lose it._

The longer he observed, the more he saw Hyungwon react. His big hands slowly travelled over the boy's body and lifted up his shirt to uncover delicate skin that reflected the dimmed light from the lamp that burned on the desk next to them. At first, it seemed like Hyungwon was giving a show for him in return, fingers travelling the way his could have, exploring what lay below the loose clothes the boy always wore. But it wasn't only a show, for that the expressions of arousal and the quick breaths that left Hyungwon's lips along with his own were too real.

_This is so arousing._

Hoseok was too thankful for the sensations to think about what it meant as he moved faster, grabbing Matteo's hips with one hand and thrusting into his tight body while watching Hyungwon's expressions. His gaze followed the big hands and he could almost hear the sounds of the shaky breaths in his mind.

"You're gorgeous," he said, looking right into the brown eyes.

Matteo replied something, but he didn't even hear it as Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip and let his head fall back against the door frame. The boy's fingers travelled along his ribs as if taking steps until they reached their goal and pulled a silent moan from the full lips. Hoseok couldn't see the way Hyungwon brushed over his own, dark nipples, hidden from sight by the useless shirt, but he could see the effects on the handsome face and the way his long legs shifted, thighs rubbing together to provide more friction.

_You should be thankful to have the distraction instead of wanting to walk into that hallway and wrap your hands around him, touch him, catch his silent moans._

The friction didn't help and he gasped, rolling his hips faster and pulling on Matteo's hair briefly to accompany the clenches around his base. "Do you want me?" he hissed, rolling his hips roughly and glancing in Hyungwon's direction.

Confirmations and pleas entered his ears, but he kept watching those big eyes that widened briefly, only to flutter shut as Hyungwon slipped his right hand past the waistband of his jeans, not even bothering to unbutton them. The boy's mouth was opened in an expression of bliss and had Hoseok not been caught by the intense gaze, he might have missed the soft nod that affected him so much more than the loud moans echoing around him.

_And you want him too._

He moaned quietly, appreciating how attractive Hyungwon looked. He had let his hurt hand hang loosely at his side and he was so affected that he couldn't even feel the pain in his wrist.

"Shit, I can feel how much you like it, I'm close," Matteo moaned and clenched around him as he was watching Hyungwon and pulling at the silky strands. His breaths got quicker and his stomach contracted when the other man orgasmed. Eyes focused on the dark hallway, he observed the slim body that was leaning against the doorframe. He hated the fact that he couldn't see everything, that it was dark, that those long fingers weren't touching him.

_Since when do you want to be touched?_

Hyungwon must have been playing with himself, wrist moving just enough to cause the boy's eyes to flutter shut before meeting his again. Hoseok cursed the darkness and the loose clothes, the fact that he couldn't observe how Hyungwon touched himself, how his fingers stroked over the straight length that he could remember.

Still watching him, Hyungwon rubbed his black hair over the door frame and turned towards him. At first the boy's full lips only parted in silent moans that seemed to mirror his own, combining with the building up arousal. When the sensations were enough to make him twitch, the red mouth suddenly formed words instead of moans.

'Come for me,' Hyungwon mouthed, each syllable so clear that he could almost hear the words as a whisper in his ear.

He didn't mean to, but nodded, moving his hips faster, aroused by Hyungwon's antics, by his parted lips and how he touched himself in front of him even though he was inside somebody else. It didn't take long for his thighs and stomach to flex as he rolled his hips and orgasmed with a low moan, feeling the tension gradually leave his body.

_Is it because there's another person? But it's not something that you usually like._

He was unsure as he cleaned up, unable to look in the hallway again, too aware of Matteo's gaze and how he looked at him attentively as they got dressed.

"I'll tell him next week," the other man whispered and leaned in to kiss him. Again. Stupid as he was, he lifted his fucked up wrist, holding onto Matteo's arm, pain sending white lights to his vision and making him gasp. "I love the way you react," Matteo whispered with a smile and took his car keys, leaving him standing in the office, unable to breathe.

His insides turned and he felt nauseous, waiting until he was sure that the person who had taken his place and his idea left the office and sank to his knees.

The darkness that he covered himself with felt a little calming just like the pulling pain in his wrist. His thoughts skipped the question why he was doing it to himself and focused on the important part.

_It has to be worth it, Hoseok. It has to._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 4

The ticking of the clock, the typical noise of the coffee machine, typing sounds in the other offices. Hyungwon was used to them and sometimes they even provided comfort, lulled by the calm working environment he had grown to appreciate and use to achieve his goals.

_But why can't you calm down?_

His heart was beating like a war drum, pumping blood through his body and towards his frozen fingers without really warming them up. His legs still felt like jelly and he was thankful that nobody could see the way he was shaking.

As soon as he returned to the office, Hyungwon had told the others his excuse, hearing a few comments on how stupid it was to cause a short-circuit. It was easy and believable, providing the rest of the team with something to laugh about as he hid away in his office without being able to calm down.

_You lied for him._

He couldn't even tell why exactly he told such a lie, pretending that Hoseok hadn't ruined his hand by recklessly punching a metal box. The images were still in front of his inner eye, the way the other man's hand had looked as it lay on his lap, skin torn at the knuckles and red blood running down the delicate fingers onto the tissue and his jeans. Even now it seemed like he could smell the mixture of moist putrescence of the basement and the metallic scent of blood.

Nausea developed and he felt bile moving up his throat as his eyes fell on the dark spots on his jeans. It was bad enough for him to close his eyes and try to focus on his breaths instead of everything else. Only after the wave of nausea passed, he dared to open his eyes again and stare at his hands. They were fine, there was nothing on them.

_But his hand wasn't okay. A bandage and some cooling is never going to be enough._

There wasn't anything he could have done, not beyond what he already did and Hyungwon hated it. He knew that Hoseok wasn't going to get help or see a doctor. The older man would keep quiet about it just like he would have if Hyungwon hadn't found him lying on the basement floor.

_Because he doesn't want any help and he hates to be touched, no matter if it is you or somebody else._

It already felt like ages ago when Hyungwon figured out how to break the password on the mysterious SD card and found several patents that had never been submitted.

_Patents for the software you are working on right now._

He couldn't believe it at first, so he made sure to get deep into the files to find out when they were created and whether anybody had manipulated them.

_But they were real, real and several years old._

Hyungwon had spent a day explaining an idea of optimally secure identity verification to the person that had come up with the idea in the first place, developing it sufficiently to prepare a patent.

_A patent that he had never been able to submit._

He didn't know the details, he didn't know anything really with the exception of why Hoseok must have chosen their start-up, the place where his original idea was implemented.

_Is that why he is after your boss? Because he wants to get back at him for taking it?_

It seemed far fetched, not worth all the effort that Hoseok was putting into it. Hyungwon had seen how much effort it cost the usually silent man to be talkative and constantly smile, to fake affection while he shuddered each time affection was shown towards him. Was all that really worth it?

_That's not everything, you know that he's buying stocks without an identity and cheating the market. Why would he do that?_

The sequence of events didn't make sense. If Hoseok's idea had been stolen, why would he avenge it by getting closer to the person that stole it. It seemed too childish for the person Hyungwon had gotten to know over the past weeks.

_Don't lie to yourself. You know nothing about him._

Hyungwon should know better than anybody that making somebody moan was far from knowing them. Listening to Hoseok gasp in pain while knowing that there was nothing he could do was just as far from knowing him.

_As far away as he probably wants to keep you._

His hands were still shaking, but it got better as his heart began to calm down too and he felt like he could at least pretend to be okay as soon as somebody walked in.

_Are you even sure that you want to do this, to show him what you worked on?_

Seeing the way Hoseok recklessly punched metal as if it was nothing should have scared him, reminded him of what the older man was capable of. Just because Hyungwon hadn't done anything worth being hurt for, didn't mean that it wasn't going to happen. He knew all that, but somehow the effect was the opposite.

_You felt helpless because you knew he needed help, but he won't accept it._

Instead of hurting others, Hoseok was being self-destructive. Hurting himself to the point that his lips twitched when he attempted to smile and pretend that he wasn't feeling any pain.

_The same pretend game that he plays with everybody else even though you thought that he had given up on it with you._

Hyungwon knew that he was being reckless, that he was getting involved with something that he didn't understand, but somehow it felt right. Forcing himself to wash off blood and cool the delicate hand had felt right, lying to his colleagues about what had happened felt right and finally, taking the information from the SD card and turning it into reality felt right.

He wasn't proud of some of the shit decisions he had made throughout his not particularly long life, but somehow this one didn't feel like it was going to be one of them.

_

The clock showed midnight when Hyungwon heard the door to their office complex open and his boss' hushed voice that sounded excited and affectionate.

No matter how many times he heard the two men interact, he still couldn't understand why it worked, why his boss believed the relationship that Hoseok was acting out for him.

_He hates pretending, you can see it clearly, but why doesn't anybody else?_

Instead of making his way towards the office that was going to be left open as always, Hyungwon hesitated. It wasn't because he felt guilty, not at all. Just like before, both men were being reckless and didn't even bother with privacy, being intimate while anybody who dared to step close enough was able to observe. Hyungwon didn't feel ashamed for using the opportunity, especially after realizing the effect it had on Hoseok.

_He struggles to be close to him, but he's able to when you're there. Are you helping him, Hyungwon?_

His own intentions had been clear from the start. Hyungwon enjoyed the sight, first yearning for the man he considered off limits for himself until curiosity made him change his mind and focus on Hoseok instead. Observing the man who disliked being touched, holds back his pleasure and only orgasms when his eyes are locked with Hyungwon's.

_How could you stop wanting to experience this? You haven't changed at all, no matter how much you were trying to._

Holding his breath, Hyungwon pushed his chair back and closed everything he had been doing. He was acutely aware that what he was working on wasn't meant for everybody's eyes.

He wasn't aroused yet but he felt warm from the mere thought of seeing the way Hoseok would react to him again, how faked expressions of pleasure would suddenly turn real and urgent. His mind had even more images to supply him with, the feeling of hands in his hair, touch tender and delicate. Somehow he couldn't forget the way Hoseok had led his hand to his stomach, giving him the permission to touch all by himself.

_It was meaningful and you know it, that's why it got to you._

Both men were still talking when he snuck his way towards the door. He was close enough to hear them and see a bit of them, but not enough to be visible if either of them decided to look towards the door.

_You can't be risky about this._

Hoseok was trying to convince his boss to leave his boyfriend and even though he didn't come right out and say they should be together instead it was automatically implied.

_Because that's what he wants to hear, have the confirmation that whatever is between them is worth it. Don't you know that too well?_

Hyungwon was so busy listening to Hoseok lie that he almost missed his boss' poor excuse for not breaking off the relationship.

_His boyfriend needs to figure something out with his stocks?_

His eyes widened and his mind instantly supplied him with Hoseok purchasing stocks with record speed, without bothering to identify himself.

_Is he buying his boyfriend's stocks? But why?_

Hyungwon didn't know enough about stocks to make sense of it, but he knew a sufficient amount to be able to conclude that what Hoseok was doing was illegal and must have been related to the reason he slept with their boss.

His brain was working furiously, but he couldn't come up with something, anything that put it all together and made sense. Hoseok remained a mystery, one that kept pushing him away unless they shared each other's company in silence.

_Like now._

Glancing around the corner carefully, he was just in time to see Hoseok's whole body tense in response to a kiss. It wasn't the way a person reacted when they enjoyed it and looked forward to a sign of affection.

_He seems terrified, almost as if it hurts him._

Hyungwon felt strange being the only one who could see through it, like a movie he was watching while uselessly screaming at the characters that they were being cheated.

_But why aren't you telling him? This isn't a movie._

Maybe it was the SD card he cracked that told him the one thing that provided him with happiness at the moment was a product of Hoseok's mind. Maybe it was also the tension that they shared, the way his whole body burned up as soon as their eyes met and he found himself forgetting about all the concerns he had before.

_You don't find him dangerous at those moments, you just want him._

Despite waiting for Hoseok to glance towards him, that moment didn't seem to come. The breathy exhales seemed genuine as Hoseok pulled down his pants and thrust into the body that he bent over the desk. There didn't seem to be a need for him, rhythm developing on its own as Hoseok's partner asked him to go faster.

_Why are you feeling so bitter? You were content watching before._

It didn't make sense, not after the obvious signs of discomfort. Was he reading his own expectations into what he saw? Did Hoseok suddenly enjoy sleeping with a man he didn't care about and pretended to be affectionate with?

Hyungwon couldn't help but feel angry at himself for reacting the way he did, even feeling a little hurt as if it was his privilege to be the object of Hoseok's desire. It was the same stupid game all over again and he kept falling for it.

He distracted himself by watching the gorgeous body, the way it moved and how it returned memories of Hoseok moving inside his mouth in a rhythm he enjoyed, so similar to the way he thrust into another man's body.

It was then that Hoseok lifted his gaze and looked at him, making his body burn up as if touched by flame. His lips parted in a gasp and he couldn't help how much he basked in the fact that the attention was his again. His hand moved on its own and seemed to fuel Hoseok's motions while Hoseok's motions fueled his hand.

Hyungwon couldn't explain what led to the compliment or the question that he shamelessly answered with a nod. Usually he wouldn't have confessed his desire that easily, not while being an observer, but Hoseok didn't make him feel like an observer.

_It feels like you're the one he really wants._

The way arousal clouded his mind and pulled the oxygen from his lungs before he could get enough might have been the reason he used words, mouthing that he wanted Hoseok to come for him, to make him the reason for feeling the way he did even though physically it wasn't him providing the pleasure.

_Are you being possessive?_

He didn't have the resources to think about it, not when Hoseok came with a gorgeous sound that Hyungwon wished to remember forever. It cost him all of his willpower to remove his fingers from his own length and disappear from sight, breaths so loud that he feared somebody might hear them this time.

Once he reached his office, he didn't bother sitting down and pretending that he was working. He couldn't focus and merely leaned against the door while holding his breath and listening to bits of conversation and finally the sound of the front door falling shut.

He shouldn't have been as relieved as he felt, but there was no point in lying to himself. Still leaning against the door, he waited for Hoseok to leave the boss' office and move along the hallway the way he usually did. Instead there was only silence.

Hyungwon let the clock tick for a minute or two until worry took over the arousal he felt and he decided to move on his own, silently walking towards the office that still had the door wide open.

A glance inside revealed the familiar figure kneeling on the floor with his head thrown back. Hoseok had his eyes closed and breathed heavily, visibly unaware that he entered.

_It's just like you saw him today, completely out of it._

He couldn't explain why it felt intimate, like a glance through a crack in the wall at something he wasn't allowed to see. It couldn't compare to what he had just observed even though sex was usually considered much more private.

Chewing on his cheek because he felt nervous, Hyungwon stepped closer and carefully sank to the floor next to Hoseok. He knew that the other man hated to be touched, so he wasn't sure what to do and how to act. There was also a hint of shame for the arousal that still burned between his legs while Hoseok appeared so lost.

Inhaling carefully to not make too much noise, he finally decided to reach for Hoseok's hurt hand that was arranged in a painful angle.

_As if he's doing it on purpose._

Words felt wrong, so he didn't use any and let his fingers brush over Hoseok's forearm, not enough to be a touch. When he reached a bandage that looked fresh, he used a little bit of pressure to arrange the other man's wrist in a natural position. It was meaningless, he knew that, but at least he didn't feel as useless.

_Why is he doing this to himself if it makes him feel this way?_

Hoseok jerked and his body instantly tensed, eyes opening and focusing on his face that looked alert for a few seconds. "Oh- I must've spaced out," the low voice muttered and Hoseok attempted to stand up, using his hurt hand and hissing in pain.

"Don't-" he muttered, but it was too late. Even though he had wanted to stabilise Hoseok, he held back, too aware of the way the other man jerked at his touch and tensed after being kissed. Instead, he got up on his knees and held out his hands to give Hoseok the option. "Can I help you?"

Hoseok observed him for a few seconds before letting out a sigh and wrapping his fingers around his hands carefully. "You must be asking yourself what's wrong with me today. I guess the meeting was too long, it'll be fine again tomorrow. Sorry."

He remained silent and got up, helping Hoseok to his feet right after, hoping that the heat in his cheeks was going to subside soon. Hyungwon didn't want to be somebody who felt desire towards a person that was in pain.

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to, I can deal with it," he murmured and resisted the urge to keep Hoseok's hand wrapped around his own. "I'm only asking myself how I can help you."

"I know that I don't need to talk." Hoseok smiled for the first time and inhaled sharply, focusing his eyes on his face. "You helped me enough by standing in that door frame over there and being gorgeous. In addition, you wanted to show me something, right?"

Mentioning what he had seen only moments ago returned the heat to his face and body while reminding him of what he wanted to show Hoseok made him try to force it down. He glanced to the side to not be obvious and nodded.

_It's your fault for allowing yourself to be riled up to this degree._

"Are you sure that you will be able to concentrate?" Hoseok licked his lips and stepped a bit closer.

"I'm sure that I don't want to be another person that causes you pain."

"You don't." Hoseok's muscular arm wrapped around his waist and pulled him flush against the warm body, wounded one hanging loosely on his side.

_But does he want this?_

Hyungwon was keeping himself from finding out by exhaling sharply against Hoseok's neck and not daring to meet his gaze yet. He was still being careful and refrained from wrapping his arms around the firm neck. He didn't want to be too much, neither with his touches, nor with his desires.

Only when it felt almost unbearable, he lifted his head to meet Hoseok's eyes.

"Is it the observing that you are into?" The handsome man tilted his head and swallowed, grip loosening with every passing second.

Hyungwon didn't want it to, so he moved closer, enough to press his body flat against Hoseok's and feel a little dizzy from the mixture of friction and his attempts to hold back.

_Don't touch him just because you're going mad._

"No, it's you," he replied because it was true. He had long since stopped watching Hoseok's movements and felt caught by black eyes observing him in turn. "The way you look at me."

"Then why don't you let me look at you then? Did me sitting on the floor freak you out?" Hoseok breathed against his lips as his hand brushed over his waist and took one of his hands, placing it on his firm chest. "Do you think that I'm weird?" the low voice added and Hoseok moved his hand over his chest slowly, barely applying any pressure.

Hyungwon's lips parted, but he didn't make a sound. It was just a touch and his fingertips weren't even caressing naked skin, but it reminded him of how close they were in the library. It was meaningful and he couldn't convince himself that it wasn't, feeling breathless because he was allowed to be that close.

"No," he replied and held his breath to calm down. "But I wish I knew how to touch you right."

The black eyes widened and Hoseok stared at him for a few seconds without breathing or moving a single bit, before his hand was moved again. "Just- show me. Give me a second before you touch, so I know what you are going to do, and give me time to react," Hoseok whispered and reached out with his bandaged hand, stopping right next to his neck for a second before carefully letting his warm fingertips stroke down to his shoulders.

_It's about sudden touch._

His heart sped up at the realization and he still held his breath as the fingers of his right hand moved first, applying a little bit of pressure to the firm chest. Next he let his palm feel the muscles, slowly following their pattern like a path. When he felt dizzy from not breathing, he inhaled roughly and dared to lift his other hand, pausing right next to Hoseok's neck, waiting before his fingertips brushed over it tenderly and he dared to wrap his arm around the other man.

_Why is this making you so breathless?_

He wasn't the only one gasping for air, Hoseok was holding him by a grip around his waist, chewing on his lips and holding his breath when his fingers reached out to touch.

_Is he scared of it being painful?_

Hyungwon didn't want it to be. He kept each caress tender, a hint of a touch for several long moments until it became real and danced over Hoseok's smooth skin. He couldn't tell if it was only arousal making him burn up like this or his own awareness of what their closeness entailed. His desire to touch Hoseok didn't fade, rather the opposite. The closer he was able to pull the other man while sharing the same air as they inhaled, the more he wanted to explore with his hands and lips.

_But you know that he wanted to touch you too._

Gasping for air again, he let his hand that caressed Hoseok's chest travel lower until it reached the other man's healthy arm that was wrapped around him. Attempting to suppress a tremble from the tension, Hyungwon led the warm hand towards his hips and under his loose shirt, letting it slide up carefully. He could still remember the expression on Hoseok's face when he called him gorgeous.

"You can touch me too," he whispered.

Hoseok's lips parted and he exhaled the air he had been holding in his lungs. The warm fingertips travelled over the waistband of his jeans, danced over his stomach and sides and it seemed as if Hoseok was observing the look in his eyes when he touched him. Contrary to the way he had roamed Matteo's back, the handsome man looked affected, inhaling quickly and body shifting closer to his.

"Do you like it?" the low voice asked and the air hit his lips because of how close they were.

He nodded instead of using words, the same way he had admitted to wanting the man in his arms. Both of them lived in two different realities at the same time, one in which Hyungwon was able to be the object of Hoseok's desires, the only one who created a genuine expression of yearning on his face. The second one was mysterious and still impossible for him to understand, the one in which he took care of abused knuckles, implemented parts of a program nobody told him to and lied to his coworkers as if he was part of a grand plan.

_But right now it's the first, so isn't it easier?_

Hyungwon's lips parted again due to the touch, a silent moan that showed the effect Hoseok's hands had when they roamed over his skin. Maybe it was because he imagined it while watching the beautiful man touch somebody else, thought about how different it was going to be when it was him. He detested feeling like a cheap snack in between, but somehow Hoseok was able to make him feel like the main course.

A tremble passed through the muscular body, gaze in the black eyes changing a bit in a way he couldn’t explain before Hoseok leaned in and he could feel his warm lips closing around a patch of skin on his neck, right below his ear.

He whimpered, unable to contain the sound and tightened his hold around Hoseok's neck before immediately releasing it again. Hyungwon didn't want to be too much and too fast, not if it meant the expression he had just seen could become the same one he observed towards others. He could hear each time that he pressed his lips together to return moisture, a wet sound that seemed loud in the silence that surrounded them.

His fingers traced Hoseok's shoulders, feeling the sturdy bones surrounded by muscle until he touched the other man's nape, lightly to give him time to get used to caresses on his naked skin. Hyungwon wanted to stroke over his hair in a way that Hoseok enjoyed while feeling more of those lips on his body.

Hoseok didn’t seem to mind his touches at all, curved mouth kissing along his neck and sucking on certain spots that made him dizzy. Warm fingertips traveled from his stomach to his back, pulling his body closer to the muscular chest and giving him a brief hint of Hoseok’s scent that reminded him of warm caramel.

_He enjoys touching you, just like you imagined it._

Hyungwon couldn't tell how much of his reaction was due to edging himself with the sight and his own hand, but he wasn't able to calm down. His mind became hazy as a result of hot lips on his skin and his fingers slipped in between the soft strands of Hoseok's hair. He loved how it felt, how it was just long enough to have a grip on it, but not use it. He stroked over the other man's head and down his neck before resuming at the top again and releasing silent moans. The closer he got, the more of that sweet scent entered his nose.

_He must be sated but still he's making you feel this way._

Contrary to what Hoseok should’ve been doing, the other man sunk the fingers of his bandaged hand into his hair and massaged his scalp as those lips kissed along his jaw and down his neck, making him feel dizzy from longing, sharp exhales against the shell of his ear making clear how much Hoseok liked it. A shift in Hoseok’s hips made obvious that he was aroused, hand on his lower back pulling him against the muscular body as if attempting to get as close as possible. He could hear every single breath and lack of inhales when Hoseok held the air in his lungs and it made the whole thing so much more intense.

_You want him so much._

Hyungwon didn't bother to control his breathing anymore, gasping each time a caress pulled it from his lips. Heat pooled between their bodies and he couldn't resist using one of his calves to stroke over Hoseok's muscular legs. He didn't even worry about his balance because the way Hoseok held onto him felt so stable, strong enough to hold his weight even if he leaned back completely. His left hand slipped down to cup Hoseok's face, realizing how intimate that seemed until he slipped it into his own hair to support the other man's hurt hand. Nothing had changed, Hyungwon still didn't want to be another source for Hoseok's pain.

_There seems to be so much of it. If only you could make it fade, even if just for a moment._

After a brief look into his eyes, as if to confirm the way he was feeling about the touches, Hoseok lifted his shirt and slowly traveled down, kissing along both his collarbones and closing his lips around one of his nipples, accompanied by a sharp exhale that he felt against the sensitive skin on his chest. It was fascinating to watch those black eyes flutter shut as soon as Hoseok’s warm mouth touched his skin.

For a second Hyungwon worried that he was going to lose his balance, similarly to the way he had thrown himself on his office desk when he couldn't bear sitting upright anymore. The muscles in his thighs flexed to stay in place, but as if Hoseok knew he held onto his hips, stabilizing him.

_Why is this making you feel so much? Is it the way he reacts or how it feels?_

He hissed and didn't know what to hold onto, so he caressed Hoseok's arms and shoulders, applying a little bit of pressure each time a spark of pleasure passed through him. He couldn't control it, not really even though it was easy to play with his own reactions when he wanted to be desired.

_Maybe you can lose yourself in the moment, the way he does._

Hyungwon wanted everything around them to fade into nothing the way it had when Hoseok touched him or when he kneeled in the library and listened to every single suppressed moan that Hoseok held in his lungs.

The way Hoseok controlled his body, pulled it against his lips and applied pressure on the right spots was arousing and the expressions on the handsome face added up to the dizziness, especially when Hoseok scratched over his thighs with both hands, not caring much about his hurt knuckles and sank to his knees, sound loud in between the quiet gasps.

“Will you let me taste you?” the low voice asked as Hoseok looked up, cheeks gaining color and gaze so intense that he wanted the other man to keep looking at him like that.

Hyungwon nodded again, eyes focused on Hoseok's black ones and hands travelling from broad shoulders to the equally black hair. He raked through it with his fingers because it seemed like Hoseok didn't mind, maybe even welcomed it judging by a mesmerizing gasp.

It didn't matter where they were, that Hoseok was kneeling in front of him in their boss' office where he had bent him over the table only minutes ago.

_It doesn't matter because he doesn't look at him this way._

Hyungwon tried to reach the edge of the office desk with his hands, worried that he would just collapse if everything he felt continued to be as intense as each touch of Hoseok's lips against his skin. Those black eyes seemed to make him tremble all on their own, desiring to forget himself.

_Why are you always yearning for these situations, for somebody that you cannot have?_

"Show me what you like, Hyungwon." Hoseok simply tugged on his loose pants, pulling them down his legs and lips attaching to his thighs. He moaned silently and tried to reach the desk again without success. The kisses were different from the way Hoseok had touched him before, more exploratory like the other man really wanted to taste him, not only give him pleasure.

"Your gaze," he gasped and reached for Hoseok's hands to carefully let them travel over his hips and thighs, making them curl around his muscles and applying pressure. Goosebumps spread over his skin, beginning with the spot that the other man's hands touched first as he held his breath.

_Be honest._

"I… want to feel your hands on me, Hoseok."

Hoseok hummed into his skin and pulled him down to the carpet, hovering over him and roaming over his thighs and hips, black locks tickling his naked stomach. The look in those eyes was enough to make goosebumps spread on his skin, but the way Hoseok touched him, firm, but never too rough was driving him insane.

Hyungwon threw his head back, rubbing his hair over the carpet without caring about how it looked. It wasn't like him to let go like that, to forget about the effect he wanted to have on people, the arousal he tickled out by acting in a particular way. Maybe it was the way Hoseok touched him, not caring about whether his hair was attractive or his lips released the sounds he wanted to hear or not.

He whimpered and scratched over the carpet above his head until he remembered that it wasn't his to ruin, barely in time for a shudder that passed through his whole body. His fingers reached for the loose shirt that was still covering part of his chest and lifted it up until he pulled it over his head and left his arms caught in the fabric, too breathless to finish. The way the shirt restricted his hands was welcome and focused all of his attention on hot hands that cupped his thighs, traced patterns or left thin red lines that faded almost instantly.

_He's driving you mad._

It felt different from the first time that Hoseok had touched him. Back then it seemed focused on quick pleasure and there were no lips all over his body, but now the other man didn't even arrive between his legs, only roaming his delicate hands over his thighs and his chest as those lips attached to his nipples, his navel, sucked on his hip bones. He couldn't even think about whether Hoseok was in pain with how he took his thighs and let them rest on top of his muscular shoulders, pulling his underwear down with his bandaged hand and placing soft kisses around his groin.

"Does it feel good?"

"Yes," he breathed out, not even recognizing his own words. He had wanted to keep words to a minimum with Hoseok, spare him from what he disliked but the way his body burned and made him want to scream to feel more couldn't be described with a single nod. It couldn't be described at all.

His thighs trembled on top of the other man's shoulders, sensation travelling all the way up to his chest and finally his lips that he bit into in order to keep at least a pinch of control. His eyes were focused on Hoseok's face, the way curved lips touched his skin as if it was precious and delicate, not just something to fuel the other man's own arousal. He buried his fingers in the fabric of his shirt that restricted them and moaned silently, feeling like he was going to scream if Hoseok decided to let go of him.

"For me too." Hoseok leaned down and took him into his mouth, fingers pushing into his thighs similar to the way he had shown him before and black eyes fluttering shut for a brief moment before he established a rhythm, bobbing his head and started roaming his body, hesitantly at first but making him feel more and more with the careful scratches and brief pinches, with soft pressure that those fingertips applied to his muscles, combining the sensations and making him twitch in the warm mouth.

His awareness slipped from his fingers like fine sand, turning him into nothing but the gasps and silent moans that rained from his lips as his body showed just how good he was feeling. Heat had spread all the way to his fingertips, pulling at them to move and act, to hold onto something as pleasure kept building up. Hyungwon felt like he was going to explode from the desire that piled up and threatened to burst from his chest, like a sound that one contained and had to release.

His heels pushed into Hoseok's back even without him realizing and he couldn't hold the eye contact anymore, not when he couldn't breathe and his vision blurred from tears that developed in the corners of his eyes. There was no way to explain it to himself, not when the only coherent thought in his mind was that he wanted it so much.

When his vision turned white, it hit him out of nowhere, making him mouth pleas and unfitting descriptors of how he was feeling. None of it did it justice and when he orgasmed into Hoseok's warm mouth and felt like his mind disappeared along with it, he knew how true that was.

_You want him._

Hoseok kept stimulating him before the warm lips left him and he felt them on his inner thighs, placing warm kisses against his skin, accompanied by those delicate fingers that pushed into his flesh.

Hyungwon felt the sudden urge to reach out and cup Hoseok's face, to pull him so close that they were breathing the same air, lips brushing because there was no space between them.

_No, don't._

He exhaled roughly, eyes fluttering shut and felt thankful for the way his hands were caught and kept him from doing exactly that. He mustn't act on a sudden urge that he couldn't take back later, making him sink way deeper into this than he should have.

_Why do you still not know any better?_

"You- you just make me-" _Go fucking crazy._ Hyungwon didn't say it, there was no need. Hoseok must have seen it in the way his body still reacted, the way the muscles in his arms contracted from the desire to reach out and how he couldn't look away from Hoseok's face.

The man between his legs didn't look unaffected either, licking over his hip bones and kissing his way towards his chest. He gasped when the scent of warm caramel entered his nose along with the feeling of Hoseok's lips against his neck as the black hair appeared in his sight because Hoseok was hovering over him, holding himself on his hurt wrist and stroking over his arms that he had placed over his head.

_This isn't wordless pleasure, not at all._

"Don't…," he whispered, unable to continue at first because Hoseok's expression took his breath away, making him feel something that he didn't want himself to feel. "Don't hurt yourself because of me."

"It has nothing to do with you," Hoseok whispered and brushed over his neck with his warm fingertips before leaning in again and kissing along the path of his fingers. "You're not hurting me."

_Why is he making this so hard? How are you even supposed to-_

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip, feeling the texture with his tongue as his chest rose and fell quickly. Partially it was because of the aftermath of his orgasm, but he knew that wasn't all. His hands remained above his head and Hoseok kept stroking over them, tender and light, just enough to feel the touch that could have been terrifying, but wasn't.

_You were scared before, why aren't you now? Aren't you caught?_

He couldn't feel scared, not with the way Hoseok looked at him and touched him. It seemed like he was met with another person, not the man who faked arousal and tensed when he was kissed as if it hurt him physically. His lips trembled from the mere thought of it being different with him, of a touch of their mouths not causing the same pain.

_You still can't. You can't._

"You are gorgeous, but I was wondering…" Hoseok leaned back and lifted his healthy hand to trace his lips with the warm tip of his index finger "... are you keeping quiet for me?"

Hyungwon swallowed, not expecting the question. He didn't have a satisfactory answer for Hoseok, for either his lack of words or moans.

"You said that you hate talking," he whispered against the warm finger tip before kissing it, unable to help it. He missed the proximity already, how close Hoseok had been as he leaned over him. "You don't have to pretend with me, so you also don't have to talk."

"I do hate talking, but it's me. It doesn't mean that I hate it when you talk. Don't silence yourself because of me. Would you like… to continue or are you sated?" Hoseok kept his finger on his lips, staring at it with his eyes wide open.

_What mesmerizes him so much? Is it you or the fact that he is touching you?_

"I think you're the one who should be sated," he murmured, but knew that the more he said and the longer he pulled the moment, the easier it was to break. "It's not a service that you are providing for me. If you want me, then come here."

_You're scared of getting too emotional, aren't you?_

"It feels like I'm trying to provide some kind of service for you?" Hoseok paused his caresses and sucked his lips into his mouth. A few breaths left the curved mouth before Hoseok sat up on top of him and pulled his pants back up, helping him into his shirt. "I guess you can think of it that way."

_Distance, just like you wanted, huh?_

Hyungwon would have scoffed at himself if it hadn't sent the wrong message to Hoseok. But then again, he had already sent the wrong message to escape the gaze that blurred his mind and gave him ideas that he couldn't act on anyway. Older men were a mess, especially if they slept with others and had a fascination with him.

_You know it's not the same._

That's what he thought now, but in a few months it could be the same fucking story all over again.

"You're not providing a service, I just didn't want to admit that I still want you," he answered truthfully and wondered why he couldn't see properly. Only when he reached for his glasses and felt nothing but air did he realize that he must have thrown them off in the process. Ingenious.

Hyungwon glanced around, but couldn't see them, partially because he obviously wasn't wearing them, so he tapped the carpet helplessly until his hand touched Hoseok's thigh without warning and he gasped, chewing on his cheek. "I'm sorry, I'm- kind of blind."

_You're doing amazing, touching him without warning._

Hoseok shifted on top of him and reached to the side before carefully putting his glasses back on his face and letting him see the muscular body in full detail, the arousal between Hoseok's legs, his blushed cheeks and how his chest rose and fell quickly.

_Fuck._

"I'll drive you home," the low voice whispered.

Hyungwon shook his head, partially because he still had something he wanted to show the other man and partially because he hadn't expected the sight, the knowledge that Hoseok felt that way because of him.

_He didn't even jerk when you touched his thigh._

Instead of saying anything, he let his hands carefully travel towards Hoseok's hips, waiting for the other man to see what he planned on doing before lifting them up just enough to slip his thin body lower between his legs. Adrenaline was still rushing through his system and it was easy to tell with his shaky hands, but he ignored it and applied a little more pressure to lift Hoseok's hips and be able to attach his mouth to the cloth-covered groin.

A gasp sounded, loud and clear, but instead of letting him do what he planned, Hoseok lifted his leg all of a sudden and stood up before pulling him to his feet. The difference in strength in Hoseok's grip was surprising before he remembered the bloody knuckles.

"I'll drive you home," the low voice whispered again and it was ridiculous because he could see how affected Hoseok was even while wrapping his arms around him.

_But he doesn't want you to touch him._

Hyungwon only hummed, realizing that there was no point in arguing. Hoseok had made up his mind and just like when he wanted to have the older man accompany him through the park, there was no way to get through to him when he was like that.

_You know that behavior of his._

Again he felt bitter, knowing that Hoseok used the same excuses to avoid being touched or make sure there were no kisses when he spent time with their boss. With Matteo.

_You keep yearning for the feeling that you are something special, but that's what happens when you get greedy. You end up alone._

Unable to help it, he used the fact that Hoseok's arm was still wrapped around him and reached out with both of his hands, pausing before tenderly brushing over Hoseok's neck and daring to wrap his arms around him in an embrace.

Instead of pushing him away or jerking in discomfort, Hoseok pulled him closer. It only lasted a few seconds accompanied by a strained exhale against his neck before he felt the delicate fingers tighten around his waist and let go.

Hoseok didn't say anything, simply waiting for him to follow, to take his jacket and silently walk next to him to his car, silently driving past the park and a little further this time, silently parking and occupying his curved mouth with a cigarette instead of commenting on what was going on between them.

_It's always easier to stay silent, then one might think there's nothing in the first place._

Hyungwon smiled to himself and climbed out of the car because it was so familiar, emotions first and gaping emptiness afterwards. One might have thought he travelled back in time.

"Thank you for driving me," he said quietly and wrapped his arms around himself as he hurried along the street that led him home. It was still another fifteen minutes of walking, but that was the price he had to pay for secrecy.

_Tomorrow everything will be just like before, won't it?_

Somehow Hyungwon didn't doubt it, just like the sun came up each new day and set at night, leaving them in darkness and with their own thoughts of what they should and shouldn't have done.

***

It was 5 a.m. and he welcomed the grey shadows that stretched from the few objects on his sink. It matched the ash color of his skin because he hadn't slept and the blush in his cheeks had bled out in a messy, spotty puddle that stained the while tiles in his bathroom. It wasn’t bleeding badly anymore, but once in a while a red drop joined the others and made him glance down.

_At least you used the same hand._

He wondered why he spent his time teaching somebody how to stroke him just right to feel that kind of tingling on his skin that he had attempted to forget. Was he that desperate? Was he unsure about his goal? Did he forget why he was out and why he was still breathing?

_What are you thinking?_

Nothing? It felt like nothing when he finally decided that it was enough and held his bloody hand under the tap, watching the water turn pink until all that was visible was the serious damage that he could see hiding under the colors that his body managed to produce. Sighing, he threw one of the small grey towels over his wrist and covered it before walking to the cupboard where he put the bag with the bandages.

_You won’t be able to use your hand for a while._

It didn’t matter. Matteo said he would end things with Roberto by the end of next week, he had bought enough stocks to cause alarm and make the other man reckless. Everything was going according to plan. Everything apart from the tall computer science student that cared too much about his hand, his aversion to touches, his preferences and his well being.

_Why would he care about something not even you care about while calling your kisses a service?_

He wanted to punch the wall again, but the way his hand hung at his side and pulled tears out of his eyes even when stationary was enough reason not to.

_Did you kiss his body to forget the disgust from being kissed all of a sudden? You can’t handle that? It’s so much better to be kissed and not feel anything good than lose yourself just to be stepped on._

He wanted to scream because he was thinking about kisses even though he should have been planning his next step, make sure that he was prepared, always ready and attentive towards any small change in the plan.

_You didn’t even take a look at what he wanted to show you._

He was making a mistake, but failed to recognize the point at which his actions stopped leading to the desired outcome, only belatedly realizing his involvement and the dull pain in his chest that shouldn't have been there. It was meaningless now and he shouldn’t have been concerned with the look on Hyungwon’s face when he wrapped his arms around him. He should be focusing on what the other man could do, how he was able to influence the outcome of his plan and whether he was a potential danger to its success.

_But what does he want from you? There is nothing he could possibly want that he can’t get anywhere else._

The computer science student with extraordinary skills said that he wanted him. He did. Hoseok could see it in the silent gasps that he had never experienced before and in his obvious reaction, but want was easy wasn’t it? Why did it feel so complicated?

_Because it interferes with what you are actually supposed to do. You can’t fuck Matteo and then touch Hyungwon in his office, completely reckless and unable to stop._

He bit his lip, suppressing the pain in his wrist and decided to go to work earlier to check the stock market in peace and get a grip without having Hyungwon’s face distract him from what he should have been focusing on.

_You’ve been alone for too long. Maybe that’s it._

_

“Oh, I think Hyungwon will be here in a bit then he can make you a coffee,” the sleazy asshole called Flavio commented from his chair as he watched him prepare an espresso. Hoseok inhaled deeply and decided to shut up as usual, simply following the automatic motions of his hands to stop thinking about things that made him angry.

“No, but seriously, you just need to tell him and he’ll do it. You can try it out, I sometimes ask him to go down to get me a new mouse even though I have one, look, I have a whole bunch now, it’s super funny because he just goes down and never questions anything, that idiot.” A laugh followed that made his hands shake and he inhaled deeply, trying to get rid of the tension in his body by overwhelming his senses with the scent of coffee.

“And if you swing the other way, and you ask him, maybe he will suck your dick too. I bet he will, maybe I should try it.”

_Fucker._

Hoseok emptied the burning liquid in a split second and walked towards the black-haired man who grinned at him from his chair. As soon as he was behind him, he pushed the chair into the desk, catching his body in between, curled his arm around his neck and pressed down as he leaned close to his ear and listened to the choking noises.

“If I see you asking a single thing from him, I will personally choke you with that mouse cable on your desk and make it look as if it was you,” he whispered, tightening his grip.

There was no reply, just helpless kicking under the table and desperate gasps for air that couldn’t enter because Hoseok was being thorough about it. After counting to three, he loosened his grip. “Do you understand?” he asked quietly, followed by nods and the guy's fingers that tightened in his arm. “Good.” He let go of Flavio’s neck and turned around just in time to see a slim figure rush past the kitchen.

_Did he see?_

Hoseok hoped not, but Hyungwon was so quiet that it could have been perfectly possible. “Go make him a coffee,” he hissed at Flavio and walked along the hallway to their office. The door was open and he spotted Hyungwon, who had thrown his jacket on the shelf at a speed that was unlike him and had already turned on the computer. The boy had just settled on his office chair and only the puffer jacket that fell from the shelf onto the ground told him that Hyungwon had been a little too fast.

"Good morning," the black-haired boy murmured and Hoseok saw how Hyungwon's eyes travelled from his face to his bandaged hand.

"Good morning. Would you like a coffee?" he asked, rubbing over the spot where Flavio's nails pushed into his skin.

Brown eyes followed the gesture, as if they could see the marks under the fabric before Hyungwon nodded slowly. "But I can make it myself. It's no big deal."

"No. Flavio was making one for you." He smiled just in time for the asshole to come into their office with shaky steps and place a cup on Hyungwon's table. "That's really nice of you, thank you," he commented and narrowed his gaze for the sleazy bitch to leave again.

Hyungwon's eyes were wide as saucepans behind his glasses as he curled his fingers around the steaming cup. After a second or two the boy took a sip and sighed.

"You didn't have to. I'm used to it, really."

"Huh? What do you mean?" he acted naive and walked around his desk, letting himself fall into his chair and hiss at the pain in his wrist. It was surely too painful to run around choking people so he grabbed his small bottle of painkillers and took two without water.

Hyungwon was watching him from behind his screen, eyes remaining attentive even if there was no comment concerning his antics.

"I mean that fighting back only makes people angrier. They feel unfairly treated and keep wanting to make your life hell." A sigh followed and the boy typed something quickly. "I don't care if they think I'm dumb. That way they underestimate me but it might lead to a proper position with security when I finish university."

"I wasn't fighting back. I was explaining something to him that had nothing to do with you but mostly with me," he elaborated and opened the program that he installed on the work PC to play around with Roberto's stocks to confuse the guy further.

"Your methods are very effective," Hyungwon replied and seemed to be about to say something else, but a knock sounded and all conversation stilled as if it hadn't been there in the first place. Matteo opened the door and leaned against the frame after nodding at Hyungwon briefly.

"How is your hand?" he asked and licked his lips. Hoseok did his best to smile back and lift it in the air, moving all five fingers through the overwhelming throbbing with a grin.

"Almost like new," he commented, before putting it back on the desk because it looked intact that way.

“That’s good. Then we can go to that bar I told you about before, remember? The one with the awesome margaritas.” Matteo could have easily texted that, but the other man really liked talking to him for some reason.

“Sure. Then I will try to suck up what your genius employee has to tell me and finish up on time.” Hoseok winked and jerked a little at the kiss that Matteo blew him before disappearing again.

_This is way more stressful than you imagined and it takes up a lot of time._

"He's not being very subtle anymore," Hyungwon murmured, successfully remaining silent as if he hadn't been there throughout their conversation. The boy was just as skilled being invisible in a room as he was within a security system. "Next thing he'll sit on your lap and prefer it to his office chair."

_Just hope he doesn’t._

“It’s because he doesn’t know that I blew you in his office yesterday,” he commented and scrolled through the tables that opened on his screen. “He can’t imagine that you could be a threat.”

"Of course not, I don't look like an homme fatale." Hyungwon chuckled and suddenly pushed his screen to the side, enough to be able to look at him properly, glasses reflecting the lights. "Will you go for lunch with me today? We'd need to drive though."

_Lunch?_

“Mhm. Sure.” He rolled up his sleeve and sighed at the bluish red nail marks on his forearm. It was a pity that his skin reacted to the slightest force with redness or bruises.

His reply tugged at the corners of Hyungwon's mouth and the boy turned his screen back in order to disappear behind it, only typing the way he usually did. There were no more words.

Hoseok had some fun manipulating Roberto’s trading history and downloading all the transactions that were obviously a cover up for his money laundering business until he realized that big eyes were watching him from above a computer screen, attentive and instantly glancing away when he realized.

"It's midday, so I thought we could go. You looked busy though," the boy explained and shrugged before turning off his computer and leaning back on his chair. Hyungwon wasn't as casual as usual, but he couldn't quite tell why.

“Sorry, I space out when I’m into something and don’t pay attention.” He closed all windows, deleted the history and let a cleaning program run in the background before standing up and slipping into his leather jacket.

Hyungwon was quick to follow along by pulling his usual puffer jacket over his shoulders. Since they waited longer than usual, nobody else was in the office, already enjoying lunch with each other as they made their way outside the building and towards his car.

"It's close to where the university is. Appropriate for my budget," Hyungwon explained before slipping into the passenger seat. When Hoseok paid attention, he could tell how the boy's eyes kept slipping towards his bandaged hand.

“I know it’s bleeding a bit. I had a small accident,” he murmured and started the engine before pulling out of the parking lot. The pain got better with the painkillers and he could switch gears better than in the morning.

A hum was his reply as Hyungwon led him through several streets in the center until they reached a residential area close to the University. It didn't look like a street with many restaurants or cafes, but Hyungwon still pointed at a parking spot, telling him that he could use that one without worrying too much about getting a ticket.

_He knows that you can hurt him, so he won’t try to trap you, will he?_

Hoseok was suspicious and paid extra attention to Hyungwon’s body language, to the people that passed them by and to any motion that the other man performed next to him.

The boy seemed tense, but he didn't look around nervously as if he expected something to happen. Instead he looked focused as he made his way towards a big white building that must have been student dorms.

"I told you it corresponds to my budget," Hyungwon commented and stopped in front of over a hundred bells that only had numbers written on them. Pressing a bell with 422 on it, the boy waited for a few seconds until they were buzzed through.

_He didn’t take you to visit somebody, did he?_

Maybe Hoseok should’ve mentioned that he didn’t appreciate being around people and also didn’t want to widen his social circle. The pressure in his temples and tension in his muscles increased as he followed Hyungwon up the stairs and hoped that he didn’t have to come up with an escape route.

After climbing up eight flights of stairs, Hyungwon finally stopped in front of a door with the number 422 on it and a last name that didn’t seem Italian.

"You said you don't like talking, right?" the black-haired boy asked before leaning against the wall next to the door and not ringing the bell yet.

“And how is that relevant to the situation right now?” he asked and tensed, wrapping his healthy hand around the doorframe.

"My friend doesn't talk at all, but he's an amazing cook." Hyungwon smiled suddenly and sighed, looking a little nervous. "I just thought I'd tell you so you won't be offended if he doesn't say anything to you."

“My roommate at the orphanage was mute. I’m proficient in sign language and can curse you out really badly if I want to.” He smiled and felt nervous because independent of the circumstances, meeting another person that was not relevant to his plan was a big risk. “Next time… tell me if you want to introduce somebody to me because I’m not eager to meet people.”

"I didn't mean to introduce you. He's- not mute, only a little different I guess, in his own world. I thought it was a good opportunity for food and a place where we're not surrounded by our coworkers." Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon finally pressed the doorbell while looking at him. "Forgive me."

Steps sounded behind the door until it opened and Hoseok was met with a man who was about Hyungwon's height, but had a broader build including his shoulders, chest, hips and legs. The guy was wearing a simple t-shirt and pants and held a big bowl with what looked like finely chopped vegetables in one hand.

A hum was their greeting before the guy simply made his way into the single room student apartment with an eat-in kitchen, bedroom and office and a separate room that must have been the bathroom.

"Hi Hyunwoo," Hyungwon remarked, but didn't seem to expect a reply as he gestured for Hoseok to come in and closed the door. "I brought my colleague from work like I told you."

There was another hum instead of a reply and the sound of something being thrown into a heated pan.

Hoseok looked at the lock, the amount of rooms and how he had to move if he needed to leave as quick as possible before taking off his shoes because the other man didn't wear any either.

Hyungwon's eyes were focused on him, as if trying to understand what he was doing before the slim boy threw himself on the spacious couch and smiled at him.

"I wanted to give you something."

Reaching into the left pocket of his loose jeans, Hyungwon pulled out something small and black and held it out to him. It was his SD card.

Hoseok glanced at the other guy, carefully assessing whether it was some kind of setup but it didn't seem like it at first. Still he clenched his fists and couldn't help feeling strange that Hyungwon decided to give him his SD card now.

"I told you to destroy it. I meant it," he whispered.

"But it doesn't deserve to be destroyed." Hyungwon looked serious as he kept his hand stretched out and stared at him through his thick glasses. "If you are going to destroy it, then I would rather keep it."

_He's not an idiot, so he probably copied everything._

"It's meaningless now," he muttered and reached out to take the card and put it back into the slot in his zippo lighter.

"As meaningless as your hand?" Hyungwon asked, seated on the couch with both of his hands resting on the cushion next to his thighs. The boy's eyes focused on the few drops of blood that had soaked through the bandage. "You seem to be eager to destroy that too."

"No, because I still need my hand, at least for the present time, but I don't need the data that's on the card." He looked around and sat next to Hyungwon when it seemed safe to do so.

"Why not? I don't get it, it's obvious that it's yours." Hyungwon chewed on his cheek as he sank deeper into the couch. Still the boy sat in a way that caused their thighs to touch lightly. "I- checked the date."

"Mhm. You're thorough. You don't need to get it because as I said, it's meaningless now. I told Matteo that you are pretty good and I've already seen the contract he prepared, so you will be taken care of without any negative consequences. Congratulations. And before you start getting all sad about the lack of appreciation for your skills, you said you wanted a secure job and the software is doing well, so that's exactly what will happen."

_Maybe he will stop being interested in you and in what you're doing._

"But the software is yours!" Hyungwon's eyes widened a little and he held his breath, as if to contain more words that might have been louder than the previous ones.

"No, that's not accurate. The software is yours because you implemented all of it and it belongs to Matteo legally. I am nowhere in that equation. I am not and I don't need to be."

_Because it's not about the software anymore. It was just one of the things he did, one that you shouldn't be mad about anymore when there are other things you should concentrate on._

"But I only implemented what I was told to, with some improvements that were obviously necessary. Those improvements were even present in the ori-" Hyungwon was interrupted as his friend named Hyunwoo arranged three plates on the table in front of them and placed a deliciously smelling mixture of noodles, shrimp, pink sauce with vegetables and a side salad on them.

"Food is done," the guy commented and sat down on a chair across from them before grabbing one plate and digging in.

"Thank you, Hyunwoo. I'm sure it's delicious," Hyungwon replied and sighed before grabbing the plate that was closest to him.

"Thank you," he commented and took his plate, glancing at the contents and tried some of the noodles. He sat closer to Hyungwon and glanced at the other man, wondering why he was so invested in his original idea if job stability was the only thing he had been talking about.

The expression on the small face didn't give him answers as Hyungwon simply shovelled the food into his big mouth and chewed, hinting at the fact that he was still emotional about it.

"Your finger is broken," the low voice of the guy across from him pointed out suddenly. "Twice."

_Huh?_

He looked up, meeting the dude's gaze and lifting his bandaged hand. "Yup. This one." He wiggled his index finger a bit until it was too painful.

"You didn't fix it, so it won't heal properly, remaining detached." It seemed to be a general comment as Hyunwoo continued eating his food and added more of the salad to his plate. "Painkillers won't help when the bone doesn't grow back together."

"Mhm, I know. I tried to fix it but passed out. Are you familiar?" Hoseok got interested suddenly, because if the guy could correct his bone he would spare himself some crazy painful sessions, trying to fix it himself.

"I can fix it." It wasn't really an answer to his question but rather a fact as Hyungwon's friend shrugged and finished emptying his plate. "Painful but effective."

"I'm in." Hoseok stuffed the remaining noodles into his mouth and pushed the plate away before unwrapping the bandage and revealing his blue, swollen hand with the dried blood sticking to the wounds on his knuckles.

"Shit," Hyungwon hissed next to him, but didn't say anything else. From the corner of his eye, he could see how the boy stopped eating and pushed his plate to the side, face much paler than just a moment ago. "But- it wasn't that bad before. Hoseok, what even-"

"I told you I had a little accident," he lied and observed Hyungwon's friend who didn't seem very surprised, simply washing his hands, disinfecting them and shifting closer to take his hand and feel the bone. He had tried to do that before, but wasn't able to apply enough pressure in the right direction without passing out, so it was a good thing that there was somebody who could do that for him. Unless the guy attempted to break both his hands and it was a trap, but Hyungwon didn't look like it.

"That's what you call an accident?" Hyungwon exclaimed and sounded like he was taking a deep breath to not hyperventilate.

The guy called Hyunwoo didn't let himself be disturbed by that, simply tracing the form of his finger to identify the two spots where the bone broke.

"Punched something hard," Hyungwon's friend remarked and stood up again to grab a few things before returning. "I will rearrange the bone and stabilize it with this," he showed him a small piece of metal, "you can shout if you like."

"No need. I might pass out, but don't worry, just continue." Hoseok nodded and pressed his teeth together to not accidentally bite his tongue and felt the tears already when the guy started applying pressure and held his breath when it got so bad that there was white in front of his eyes, blurred by the tears that dropped on his pants. Thankfully Hyunwoo held his hand firmly and he finally inhaled when the other man finished. It took some time to recover from the pain and he wiped over his cheeks as soon as he had enough awareness.

Hyunwoo didn't comment and merely wiped away some blood from his knuckles before cleaning his own hands and disinfecting them one last time.

"Please finish the food," the guy commented and pointed at his half filled plate and the bit that was left on Hyungwon's. The boy hadn't said a single word, his face still deadly pale as he stared at him.

"I can't, sorry, but it's really good," Hyungwon murmured and leaned back against the couch before closing his eyes. The boy's friend only shrugged before finishing it himself and cleaning up the plates except for Hoseok's that still had food. He was a very simple and straightforward fellow.

“Thank you,” Hoseok commented as soon as he trusted his voice enough and pushed the plate away. The pain had made him nauseous and he needed a moment. “I’m good. It was delicious.” When Hyungwon’s friend took his plate and went to do the dishes, he let himself sink into the couch and let his eyes flutter shut for a second to collect his wits.

It was silent except for the sound of water until Hoseok felt a hint of warmth next to his healthy hand. It stayed that way until fingers brushed his, the follow up to the brief warning that the warmth had provided.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Hyungwon whispered as fingers still traced his own like the touch of a feather.

_Here it is. The famous question._

He smiled, keeping his eyes shut and concentrated on Hyungwon’s touch because it distracted him from the pulsating sensation in his hand. “I don’t ask myself that. It’s meaningless. And it should be meaningless to you too.”

"Just because you don't have an answer doesn't mean that a question is meaningless." Hyungwon's fingers were warm, tracing each finger at first before they travelled up the back of his hand and stroked over his wrist. "You're suffering."

“This is not suffering. It might look weird or painful or unnecessary to you, but you know nothing, so you can’t judge. I have an answer and everything else around it is completely meaningless because that answer is the reason for everything. Everything…” he whispered and moved his wrist to catch Hyungwon’s fingers in his hand. “Everything… apart from this.”

"You're right. What do I know?" Hyungwon murmured and pulled his hand away, breaths still shaky. "That reason must be a pretty impressive one if it's worth all this."

Brushing through his hair, Hyungwon stood up from the couch and fixed his glasses. His hands seemed clammy and the boy's complexion was still pale when he said goodbye to his friend and slipped into his shoes.

"Let's go back, we don't want Matteo to worry about his evening date."

“I think you are the one who is worried about his evening date even though it doesn’t really make sense, does it?” Hoseok commented and thanked Hyungwon’s friend for fixing his finger before following the tall computer science student down the stairs. “You brought me here so he could fix my hand, didn’t you?” he asked when he slipped into the driver’s seat and started the engine.

_He can’t take you being in pain, but why?_

"Maybe." Hyungwon sank into the car seat and stared out of the window as they passed the university and made their way towards the financial quarter. "Does it really matter now? He did and you can be all functional while drinking margaritas."

“Mhm, I can. I would honestly prefer drinking whisky out of a bottle while sitting on the floor, but one can’t have all the good things, right? On the bright side, Flavio might make you another coffee, what do you think?” He chuckled and parked one street away from their building. “Are you still up to showing me the stuff you wanted to show yesterday? Or is my lack of functionality a turn off?”

"It's not," Hyungwon sighed and climbed out of the car, steps quick even though the way to their building wasn't far. "I'll still show you. This evening."

Sucking his lips into his mouth, the black-haired boy unlocked the door to their beige office building and hurried up the stairs ahead of him, hands still paler than they had been when they left.

_But you'll be out with Matteo. Is he asking you to decide what you will do?_

“I see you must be very busy,” Hoseok whispered in reply as they entered the office and Hyungwon settled on the chair across from him without a comment.

"Not as busy as you are. You'll be here tonight anyway, won't you? Or does your expression mean that for once you don't have the intention to prove your affection?"

“You think I’m proving my affection by bending somebody over their desk? I didn’t plan on doing it today. Why? You wanted to watch? Seems as if that’s the only interesting part about me.” Hoseok chuckled and turned on the copy of the verification software, trying to access the syntax with Hyungwon’s data but getting thrown out again.

He could see how the boy's eyebrows twitched and he pulled his lips together. A glance at Hyungwon's face seemed to suggest that he was angry, but the longer Hoseok examined his features the less likely that hypothesis became. Only when Hyungwon released a shaky breath and blinked a few times, he realized that the boy looked hurt.

"You're wrong," Hyungwon whispered eventually and adjusted his position so that Hoseok's wasn't able to see his face anymore. "I wanted to know if I could make you feel something real instead, but you seem to be more interested in faking my access data."

_Smart._

“I tried, but I kind of figured that it wouldn’t work out. You want me to feel something real? You do. That’s why I don’t want it. Don’t bother with my hand, don’t be sad because I’m _suffering_ , don’t try to understand me. You said you want me, then why don’t you take me and move on?” The words were way more than he had wanted to say, so he stood up and turned on the cleaning program, deciding that it was enough for today. He couldn’t risk being unstable. “Don’t bother coming if it’s just for me.”

_Why would he, Hoseok? It even sounds ridiculous in your head._

Of course it was ridiculous and he immediately regretted everything, one of the main reasons for not talking much. It was always wrong. Biting his lips painfully, he grabbed his jacket and turned the monitor off.

Hyungwon's eyes were settled on him, stretching the silence without breaking it until he was just about to walk out of the office.

"I had someone take and move on so fucking often that I'd never do that to another person, Hoseok." A shaky exhale followed as if it physically hurt Hyungwon to say the words. "But thanks for expecting that of me I guess."

“Oh don’t worry,” he whispered with a smile because it was easier. “I expect it from everybody by default, you’re nothing special there.”

His feet carried him out and he felt like punching the wall to get rid of the pressure building up in his temples, but he couldn’t get more dysfunctional than he already was. He had a date and had to drink margaritas, act interested, and probably handle being kissed, all for one reason. The ultimate reason that was the explanation for everything.

_Apart from this._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 4th of April at 2 PM CET.  
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CHAPTER 5

The small lamp in the form of a book was barely providing any light, but it was better than working in the dark with a shining screen.

_Your eyes are already bad enough._

Hyungwon fixed his glasses and wiggled his fingers briefly to prevent himself from getting a cramp. Several hours had already passed since he returned to work in order to finish his current private project.

_Implementing everything the way it was supposed to be, even though he prefers to access your work while faking your id._

Usually he would have turned on the ambient light, but then everybody who walked down the street would have been able to tell that somebody was working in the office. Hyungwon didn't want anybody to know, especially not his boss or any of the other employees if they ended up passing by the building. The book lamp was perfect for that, bright enough to see his hands and his keyboard, but not too vibrant to gain unwanted attention.

_You're already doing that beautifully on your own._

His mind switched into a lane that it should have forgotten a long time ago, the lane in which he tried to be vibrant himself and desirable only to learn that it was never enough to be worth keeping.

_Not as someone special._

His brain was efficient, painting the moment Hoseok left the office while telling him that he wasn't special like a drawing right onto his eyelids. Hyungwon didn't need the image to think of it and realize how typical it was of him. He constantly got involved, became affectionate, started to worry and make sacrifices all while thinking he was special, only to be disappointed over and over again.

_Minhyuk reminded you right before you walked over to him at the library. Why don't you listen?_

He shouldn't have cared so much, not when he knew that Hoseok decided to act this way, to break his hand without fixing it properly and to be close to a person he didn't want and couldn't bear to kiss. Maybe his own impressions were just wishful thinking, hoping that he could make a difference with his gaze, with his touches. But it didn't matter in the end, because Hoseok was still going to act in the same way.

_He will bend him over the table while hating it and thinking of you, but he's not going to stop._

Hyungwon couldn't understand why Hoseok was doing it. The software idea was Hoseok's, but he didn't seem to care about it, instead he worked towards seducing Matteo and bought stocks without revealing his name. None of it fit together, not without knowing the motive .

_That motive is why nothing else matters to him, not even his hand._

He still felt nauseated when thinking of the way it had looked, purple and hurt, finger in a slightly unnatural position. Why would anybody do that to themselves and more than once? He couldn't understand, especially not with the pain that had been written on Hoseok's face, along with tears that dropped down his chin in thick drops.

_And you weren't able to do anything, nothing apart from bringing him there and hoping for the best._

It was stupid. Hyungwon cared, but hated himself for caring. He hated the bitterness he felt each time Matteo entered the office and flirted with Hoseok, each time the other man replied with one of his fake smiles while pretending that his hand didn't hurt. Hyungwon hated all of it and especially the fact that Hoseok still did it, no matter how much he actually despised it.

_It's the same all over, is that why you are so angry?_

Hyungwon was being the boy at the side again, the one providing real affection and care while the person took it, only to return to the place that made them require care in the first place.

_It's going to break him and he'll let it._

"Fuck," he cursed because the thoughts made him emotional as he buried his head in his hands. He sucked in a few deep breaths and hated himself for wearing decent jeans and a button-down even though he was going to end up alone, like every fucking time.

_What are you trying so hard for?_

Suddenly the sound of steps entered his ears, the way it did when the first person climbed up the stairs and entered the office early in the morning. It took a while before the door opened and the person walked in, but the steps sounded strange, a little shaky before the figure appeared in the doorframe. It was Hoseok, black pants and black button down, hair styled and wearing a leather jacket even though it was too cold. Leaning against the door frame, the other man looked at him for a few seconds before smiling.

"I didn't think you would be here."

_He's alone?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he glanced towards the clock above the office door to confirm that it was indeed one hour before midnight. Hoseok seemed different and not only his attire and the fact that he came on his own.

"I told you I would," he muttered in reply and clenched his fists because of the way his heart sped up at the knowledge that Hoseok came on his own and expected to see him.

_And you waited, like a good boy._

"How come you didn't bring the man you like bending over the table so much?" he asked right after and bit down on his bottom lip, mouth tasting just as bitter as his words were.

"Right, why didn't I?" It didn't seem sarcastic, more like the black-haired man was genuinely thinking about the reason. "Ah, because I told him that my hand still hurts and that we should do it another time hoping that it wouldn't be necessary." Hoseok chuckled and walked into the office, a bit shaky in his motions as he leaned against his desk, wrapping his hands around the edge. "But knowing my luck it won't be that easy."

_He's so unstable. Is he drunk?_

Hyungwon didn't know what to say at first, struggling to understand why exactly Hoseok wouldn't need to sleep with Matteo anymore. When was the other man going to reach his goal?

_When Matteo breaks up with his boyfriend? But why?_

"What happens when it's not necessary anymore?" he asked quietly and couldn't help the way his fingers held onto the edge of the desk, close to Hoseok's delicate ones.

_He's still not being careful with his hand and you still care._

"Then I won't let him touch me and I won't touch him either because there will be no reason to. And I definitely won't let him kiss me, that is the worst." Hoseok grinned as if it was funny and shifted a little, slipping his healthy hand out of the sleeve of his leather jacket. "Why is it so warm suddenly?"

"Maybe because you drank," Hyungwon murmured and stood up to help Hoseok with his other hand, unwilling to have him hurt himself unnecessarily. "Why kiss him… if you don't want to? Isn't it your choice, Hoseok?"

"I don't drink," the low voice commended before the curved lips spread in a grin again. "Today I accidentally did, but I actually never drink. I always act as if I do, but there's never alcohol in my drinks, but this bartender didn't listen." Hoseok was observing him as he helped to get the other man's bandaged hand out of the sleeve. "Of course it's my choice, but there's a reason behind it, you know that. That reason is more important than my dislike for what I'm doing."

"Does that reason make you happy?"

Hyungwon swallowed as he observed the expression on Hoseok's face, how those curved lips kept grinning as if his situation was fucking wonderful when it was anything but.

_Why did he come to you, especially if he hates showing himself in such a vulnerable state?_

"Happy? What do you mean? This is not about happiness. There is no such thing." Inhaling sharply, Hoseok lifted his healthy hand and fumbled a little before he undid two buttons on his black shirt, revealing some of his muscular chest. "I wanted to go to my apartment first, but then I thought I would punch the wall again, so I decided to take a detour over to this place. I didn't think you would be here but I hoped you would."

_Is he doing this on purpose?_

Hyungwon wanted to answer his own question with yes, just to have a reason to pull out of the situation and stop going back and forth with his decisions. He had waited all this time in the hope that Hoseok would come while asking him not to, so he could stop caring. But here he was doing the opposite, caring while feeling special because Hoseok knew what to say to get to him.

_He doesn't care about being happy, so why are you caring for him?_

"And seeing me doesn't make you want to punch a wall?" he asked while carefully reaching out towards Hoseok's bandaged hand and placing it on the desk to keep it still.

Again there was a bright smile and Hoseok shook his head. "Not at all. Well, I did punch a wall. The tiles in my bathroom to be exact, but that was because…" The dark gaze wandered to the ceiling as if Hoseok was thinking about it before looking at him again. "Because I kissed your body and you said that it was a service. Or because I didn't know what to do with the tension in my temples. Or because I didn't understand why I was feeling that way. I can't remember."

_He hurt himself because of you, because you fucking freaked out and tried to make it sexual to feel safe._

"I lied," he whispered and held his breath from the wave of guilt that washed over him, along with images of Hoseok's pained face. What had he been thinking to declare what happened a game of desire? A push and pull with a person that couldn't bear to be touched but let him, him of all people.

_Why can he just come here after telling you that you're nothing special only to tell you that he hurt himself because you disregarded his affection? Fuck._

"I lied because I thought it would mean less if I just call it sex, like everything else."

"Don't worry, I lie too. All the time. I don't have the right to your honesty and to your truth. You're not at fault that feeling a certain way makes me want to throw myself against walls. Oh man, I must not make any sense whatsoever. There's a reason I don't drink, you know?" Hoseok giggled again and pulled up one leg, as if he wasn't able to sit still for a long time.

"It's fine." Hyungwon watched the way Hoseok kept shifting, how cheerful he seemed while the words that left his lips were anything but. It was clear that he wasn't okay, but seemed to think that it was fine and nothing to be concerned about.

_As if he's used to disregarding his own feelings._

"You say it's not my fault that you feel a certain way, but I told you before that I don't want to be a reason for your pain." He couldn't help it, as if there was something preprogrammed in his mind that forced him to care when he saw somebody broken, to pick them up and become their everything only to be discarded.

Hoseok observed him before reaching for his hand with his bandaged one and pulling him closer until their faces were only a few centimeters apart. "Please look me in the eyes and let me tell you this one thing truthfully, namely that you, Hyungwon, are not and have never been the source of my pain. Believe me this once when I'm being honest with you."

He gasped, unable to look away, knowing exactly what was happening. Hyungwon could feel the words sink into his mind, his judgements and his actions, influencing them because Hoseok had done it again.

_He makes you feel special._

"And how can I make sure that nothing else does either?" he whispered and reached out to carefully remove Hoseok's hand and put it back on the table. He didn't want to be distant, so he moved closer and stopped his fingers right before they touched Hoseok's cheek, waiting until it would be okay. To his surprise, Hoseok leaned forward, brushing his cheek over his fingers carefully and leaning into the touch.

"Can you turn back time? Maybe two years ago? Or better thirty? That would be perfect."

_Is he telling you that he'd rather not exist?_

Hyungwon knew that feeling, caused by desperation and being hurt, but it never lasted because in the end there was more to life than the pain.

_But why does he sound so convinced?_

"I can't," he replied quietly and stroked over Hoseok's cheek, rubbing his thumb along Hoseok's cheekbone, wishing he could do more, take away those thoughts and feelings somehow. "But maybe I can make the here and now feel better."

"Maybe. But I would like it if you wouldn't try because you will put effort into it and it's not worth it because it all comes back to zero. I-" Again there was a smile and Hoseok leaned further into his touch as if it was something that he needed. "I told you today that you're not special, right? I was trying to say that there's no way that it will be worth it for you because there's nothing to get from me, Hyungwon. I will take my last inhale to do what I planned and it doesn't matter what happens to me after that. I know that so well and I hit the wall because I know it, but still I'm sitting here."

_How can he not care about what happens to him afterwards? What kind of goal is that?_

Hyungwon felt his lips tremble from the turmoil in his chest and he glanced down at the way Hoseok wiggled his legs in order to compose himself. Hoseok sounded like somebody who had signed his death sentence before going on a suicide mission, not caring about what it meant for him or others.

"You know what coming back to zero usually means for me, Hoseok?" he asked and waited for Hoseok's black eyes to focus on him, observing intently. "It means that I care about a person, stay next to them and try to give them everything only to find out that it is not _them_ that can't give in return, it's the fact that I'm not _worth it_ to bother with giving back. Do you know the image of a child embracing a toy to fight their fears, only to abandon it when they grow up? I'm that fucking toy, Hoseok."

"You are not. They treat you this way because they're trash. It shows when you let them and then they think they can do anything unless you threaten to choke them with a mouse cable. Then they suddenly act like proper human beings. But this is the thing, you know, I don't want you to care about me because I don't want you to think that I fought my fears and abandoned you. I didn't exist in the first place, Hyungwon. You see me and you feel me right now, but just think of me as if I don't exist because that's the kind of person I am. That's how I live. I don't." Hoseok smiled and leaned back, switching the leg that he pulled under himself and wrapped his hand around his own thigh.

Hyungwon observed him, the smile that seemed unnaturally bright for the dark words, the hurt hand that was resting on the table now, but had been used recklessly for days.

"And what if I already care?"

"Then it makes me want to punch a wall," the low voice whispered.

_Because he feels helpless._

The hand with which he cupped Hoseok's cheek shook and he pulled it back to rest on top of the white bandages instead, lips pulled together. It hurt, talking about it and imagining it hurt. "I won't let you. Who even told you that you have to live like that? What kind of decision is that? Isn't it a choice? Then why don't you make a different one?"

"Well, it's a bit complicated but let me describe it in a metaphorical way. Let's say you had a favorite cup. No- let's not say it was your favorite. It was just a cup. And you let it fall and break so many times that the last time, when you threw it against the wall because you could, the splinters were so many and so tiny, some of them gone, that you cannot glue it back together. The cup doesn't have much choice about being broken, so that's just how it is." Inhaling sharply, Hoseok lifted himself up on his bandaged hand before noticing the weight of his hand and changing the side he leaned on.

_You can't leave it like this, you aren't able to._

"What makes you think that the cup shouldn't exist only because it's broken? What if one doesn't need all the parts to put it back together, it will simply be a different cup, maybe not even a cup but something else." Hyungwon swallowed again, desperate to reach out and feel closer because their words weren't able to achieve that. Hoseok kept leaning into his touch, but pushed him away with his words. "I... want to put it together again, piece by piece, even if some are missing."

His hand stroked over the bandages and travelled upwards along Hoseok's arm and shoulder. He purposefully kept it slow to give Hoseok time to get used to it, to feel the warmth before his fingers caressed his neck.

"But one never puts broken cups together, Hyungwon. You throw them in the trash and get a new one. For a reason." Hoseok let his eyes flutter shut, chewing on his lips and showing an expression of calm on the handsome face. "I'm an idiot for talking about this after coming all the way to see you instead of leaving you alone."

_You heard that so often, the typical excuse of discarding what is broken._

Maybe it would have been easier if Hyungwon had been like that too, discarding whatever was broken instead of caring and mending it with shaking fingers.

"I waited for you to come," he whispered and traced the line of Hoseok's jaw with his index finger, noticing how genuine the expression of calm was. "Does that make me an idiot too?"

"I don't know. I came because I hoped that you would be here, that I could ask you to make this feeling on my lips go away and you would tell me to fuck off, so I could somehow go back to my apartment, punch the wall and feel nothing," Hoseok breathed out with his eyes still closed.

_That feeling on his lips?_

His eyes lowered from the way Hoseok's eyelashes threw shadows on his cheeks to the curved lips, a pretty color even in the light of his book lamp.

"How can I make it go away?" he asked softly and let his fingers travel from the sharp jaw to the tender texture of Hoseok's lips, brushing over their shape carefully.

"Kiss me," Hoseok whispered, eyes opening and catching his gaze.

Hyungwon felt like he couldn't breathe, aware that Hoseok had frozen in place and been completely out of it after a kiss. He knew that the other man hated it as much as being touched, if not even more.

_But he wants you to kiss him._

His heart was hammering in his ears as he remembered the yearning he had felt that day on the carpet with Hoseok hovering above him. Hyungwon had wanted to settle whatever was happening between them with a kiss, make it real.

_But you got scared because you know that you can't take it back, not ever and especially not with him._

Hyungwon wanted to, he wanted to kiss him so badly. He wanted to wrap his arms around Hoseok's neck and tilt his head to be able to feel that curved mouth on his and know that he was the only one who could be that close.

_Close enough to touch, but also to hurt and be hurt._

His breaths were ragged when he returned his hands to Hoseok's neck, carefully wrapping around it instead of merely caressing the delicate skin. Hoseok's eyes were still focused on his own and even though he knew that one might have considered his actions selfish - touching a person that wasn't in their right mind - Hyungwon feared that he might have no other opportunity to have their lips meet. Not now and not ever.

_You're in too deep already, why are you still trying to swim?_

Leaning in, he exhaled against Hoseok's lips to give him time to prepare and to know what was about to come. His own body felt like a lit torch, suddenly hot in his button down and fingers clammy where they held onto Hoseok's neck. It wasn't like him, but neither was it like the other man to be this honest.

_Why does it feel like you are the only one who can kiss him?_

"Please don't take it back afterwards," he murmured and closed his eyes before bridging the rest of the distance and feeling hot lips against his own. They were soft, giving in the way his own did and just as tender as he had imagined Hoseok's lips to feel.

He couldn't feel any jerk that he had seen before, only a sharp inhale and the fact that Hoseok was holding his breath. A few moments passed and the curved mouth moved against his when Hoseok kissed back, one arm wrapping around his waist and warm lips parting in a gasp.

Hyungwon felt too scared to breathe, not daring to inhale in the fear that the touch would break in the same way he had carelessly broken it before. He didn't want to fall for it, to feel special and like the only person allowed to be this close, but nothing about Hoseok felt like a trap. The hands that pulled him closer were careful but genuine, lips moved against his like he was a salvation and not just a person to bridge the loneliness. How was he supposed to not feel anything when Hoseok treated him this way?

_It's emotional, that's what you were so scared of._

He parted his lips in response, tasting Hoseok's curved ones and moving their mouths together as if they were meant to meet. He didn't use his tongue, not when the touch of their lips alone made him feel like he was floating above the ground, unaware that he would crash as soon as he glanced down.

Hoseok was melting into him, eyes closed and arm tightening around his waist as the other man pulled him into the space between his legs, unwilling to part their lips. “Don’t stop,” the low voice whispered.

The words got to him, of course they did. How could he say no when there was so much desperation in Hoseok's actions, when the way muscular arms wrapped around him only mirrored how much he wanted to be close himself?

_He's so desperate to be close to you._

Hyungwon hummed and moved along, feeling Hoseok's thighs and hot arms around him. His fingers played with the soft hair at Hoseok's nape before sinking into the black strands. Was it possible to lose oneself in a mere kiss, a touch of lips and no more? He wasn't sure, but the burning in his chest and the desperate need to hold onto Hoseok and keep him from pulling away overwhelmed him.

The delicate fingers tightened in his sides and Hoseok leaned back inhaling deeply, as if there was not enough air for him to breathe. The black eyes focused on him for a few seconds before Hoseok leaned in again, catching his lips with his curved mouth and sucking on his bottom lip.

Hyungwon gasped, not expecting the kiss to deepen even though he had secretly yearned for it. Was it wrong of him to be this close, to kiss with the intention to make it better even though Hoseok himself said he didn't want to improve?

_If you give yourself, will he accept it?_

He exhaled through his nose before holding his breath again and pressed himself flush against Hoseok's chest, attempting to be so close that Hoseok wouldn't be able to push him away that easily. It was selfish, but he was also scared of rejection, of a change of mind after being treated like the only person that could help.

_He makes you feel like the only person that can save him._

Hoseok tasted like strawberry margarita and he traced the other man's lips with his tongue, eyes shut and whole body tingling from a kiss alone. Not even the knowledge that Hoseok had been with somebody else kept him from wanting to be close. Instead it only fueled his desire to erase the marks, to make Hoseok feel and remember nobody but him.

"I'll kiss you until I'm the only one you can feel," he whispered and stroked over Hoseok's hair and cheek, connecting their lips and applying pressure.

Hoseok gasped, attempting to rake through his hair with the fingers of his bandaged hand, one leg wrapping around his hips and pulling him flush against the warm body. “Do it. I don’t want to feel anything but if I have to I’d rather feel you.”

Hyungwon reached for Hoseok's hand and placed it on his waist to keep it safe before deepening the kiss again and using his hands to caress the soft skin, to brush through black hair and to surround Hoseok with as much of himself as possible. He felt breathless and dizzy, but he only pulled back when his lungs burned.

His right hand was brushing over Hoseok's cheek and curved lips as he examined the gaze in those black eyes, trying to understand how much of it was going to stay longer than a day. Was he hurting himself with this again? He couldn't tell.

"Why is it me?" he asked and swallowed, still so close that he felt Hoseok's exhales against his jaw. "Why am I able to make the feeling go away?"

“I don’t know, why can you? Why does it feel different? Because I actually want it? But why do I?” Hoseok shifted on the desk and crossed his ankles behind him, catching his hips. The look in the black eyes was confusing, it seemed as if the person in front of him was in pain but at the same time longing to feel this way, longing to feel more of it.

_Is it his way of hurting himself again? But why does he feel pain being next to you, because he wants it?_

"But is it bad to want something?" he asked and leaned in to brush his lips over the other man's, so aware of the way it felt that he instantly gasped for air.

_He said you could never be a source of his pain, but why does he seem to be suffering? Why can't you help to make it go away?_

“It’s bad if I know that I will miss it,” Hoseok replied with his eyes closed and tilted his head, hissing at the resulting pull on his hair, curved lips parting in a gasp that he caught just in time.

_Why is he doing this to you? Can't he see that it affects you too much?_

He kissed back and let his eyes flutter shut, holding Hoseok close and rubbing over his scalp where it must have hurt. The other man sounded like he had already made decisions for himself, convinced that he wouldn't be close to Hyungwon anymore while telling him that it was actually what he wanted. The typical game of taking when something is available, but not wanting it enough to change anything.

_It's an excuse, but why does it sound so genuine?_

"Why would you miss it if you can have it?" he asked against Hoseok's lips and pulled his arms back to cup the beautiful face. "It's so much easier to say that you can't than to admit that it's simply not worth it, isn't it?"

“I came here even though I should’ve gone back to my apartment. I hoped kissing you wouldn’t feel this way, but it does. I can’t be wanting anything else.” Hoseok was breathing heavily and only after a few seconds did Hyungwon understand that the other man looked genuinely scared, inhaling sharply and hands clammy around his hips. “Don’t tell me all those things, Hyungwon, push me away… tell me to fuck off because you’re better than this. You shouldn’t be trying to fix the cup. You should make sure to step on it on your way out so it can’t be fixed anymore.”

_He wants to be broken, convinced that it's meant to be that way._

"You might have found the wrong person if you want to be pushed away, Hoseok," he whispered in reply and wrapped his arms around the broad neck, pulling the muscular body into his embrace while stroking over the black hair, trying to make it better somehow with his presence. "I only know how to fix and be broken."

_Maybe someone will bother to mend your splinters too. Someday._

Hyungwon couldn't walk away, not after seeing the fear of affection in Hoseok's eyes, the fear of caring enough to abandon his goal. What was the point of the goal if it didn't even make him happy, didn't provide him with comfort and care?

"I didn't even search for anybody. I didn't talk apart from if it was necessary, I…" He could see Hoseok hold his breath, unwilling to release the air in his lungs. He didn't know how much time passed before Hoseok finally exhaled. "Please make me shut up."

_He was trying to stay distant, but you didn't let him._

"Why?" he asked softly and kept stroking over the black hair, holding the older man close. Leaning back, he allowed their lips to touch briefly, testing whether it really provided Hoseok with the same feeling it did for him. "But I can, if you want me to."

"Because I hate the things I'm saying. Can you kiss me? Please just kiss me," Hoseok whispered and tugged on his shirt, black eyes resembling those of an abandoned puppy.

"Shh," he hummed, unable to help the strong desire to make it better somehow. He wanted to take the fear and only leave the calm he saw as soon as they kissed. "I will."

_You're so easy to convince, unable to deny a person that needs you._

It was still an excuse, but this time his own. Hoseok's need to be close to him wasn't the only reason he acted on the request, kissing intimately and breathing the same air. He wanted to be close, to kiss and taste the strawberry margarita, to feel warm arms around him and feel precious, feeling like he was the one who mattered the most to the other man.

It seemed as if Hoseok was impatient, pulling on his shirt and catching his hips with his muscular legs and chewing on his lips as he observed him. "Do you feel used because I'm asking you to do it? Is it like when Matteo kisses me?" the low voice asked suddenly.

"You tell me, does it feel the same to you?" he asked before licking over the curved lips one more time. He didn't need the answer to know that it wasn't the same, because he had seen Hoseok's reactions, seen how the black eyes feared being kissed by Matteo but yearned for Hyungwon's touch.

_That's what gets to you, because you can see that you're the only one he wants to be close to._

"No. It doesn't. I want it. I want it and I want you," Hoseok exhaled and leaned so close that he could feel the warmth of the curved mouth.

_It feels so good to hear it, as if he knows which splinters of yours to pick up from the ground._

Hyungwon smiled before applying pressure and enjoying how easily Hoseok melted into it, as if there was nothing that he needed more. "Then why would it be the same as with Matteo?"

_You want to kiss him too, just as much._

"You have no reason to. Why would you want to kiss me if it's not related to pleasure or to any goal? The software is registered in Matteo's name, you will get your contract, I will be gone as soon as he breaks up with his boyfriend, it will be as if I was never here in the first place, so why? I doubt that it's because I'm a good kisser. You could have me any time if it was pleasure that you were going for, but instead you preferred watching me having sex with somebody else. I can't figure you out." Hoseok leaned forward and caught his lips with a low hum that sounded so good in his ears.

_One might think that you are the mysterious one._

"Watching from afar can be safe, you know?" He chuckled because he realized how obvious his behaviour had been without him realizing. It felt intimate to kiss while talking about their touches not being due to desire. Hyungwon hadn't dared to say it out loud yet, but Hoseok did it easily while under the influence. "Watching the person I want having sex with somebody else seems to be part of my life, I keep going back to it. I didn't think of it this way before, but it's true. I want you, of course I do, but I'm tired of feeling like just another conquest."

_He got you with his gaze, with the way it changed as soon as he saw you._

"I make you feel that way? I didn't mean to. I'll warn you next time so you can stay home. But maybe it won't be for long and you won't have to see me having sex with him, or see me in general." Hoseok leaned back and grinned for no reason. "You know that I can't drive because I'm drunk, right? Do you want to know another reason for coming here? I thought you would stay after midnight and be reckless again, so I thought I could walk you home, at least past the park. I don't think I could choke anybody well, but I am definitely useful for stuff like that, I had a lot of experience during the past few years. Who would've known, my old bullied orphan self would have laughed if somebody told him that I would be knocking people out in a matter of seconds. Back then I had to get my eyes lasered so kids would stop hitting me in the face and breaking my glasses."

_What happened in those past few years?_

Hyungwon didn't say anything, but his embrace tightened around the other man, unwilling to let go. Hoseok did it so easily in this state, telling him that he wasn't going to stay and there was no point in being close in one sentence, while making him feel special in the next. How was Hyungwon supposed to save himself and stay away? He couldn't, not when those black eyes looked so vulnerable, like a porcelain cup that could be dropped any second while talking about how dangerous it actually was.

_He almost sounds like you, only that something must have changed for him whereas you stayed the same._

"You know why my glasses are a little skewed?" he asked instead of telling Hoseok all those pointless things, how much he wanted him to walk him home and spend more time together, that Hoseok felt safe even though Hyungwon knew how dangerous he could be. All those things were on his mind, but none of them were worth saying out loud. Hoseok was stuck in his loop, torturing himself and allowing Hyungwon to pick him up from the ground, only to torture himself again. A never-ending cycle.

_He said he will be gone after Matteo leaves his boyfriend, as if he'd never been there in the first place._

"It's because I got punched in first semester and they broke. I fixed them with tape, but the way they broke was more comfortable to wear since my ears are different. That's why I kept them that way. I try to make the best out of these situations."

Hoseok reached for the frame and took his glasses off before placing a soft kiss on his lips and slowly returning them to their spot with a gorgeous smile on his handsome face. "I can remember the look in your eyes when I gave you your glasses."

"You mean when I lost them while you touched me?" he asked, remembering how mesmerized he had been by Hoseok's reaction even though the older man didn't want to be touched by him that day.

The smile didn't leave Hoseok's face as he shook his head. "No. I meant when you were shaking on the ground next to that tree."

_He still remembers that._

"Well- I expected to die, but instead you gave me my glasses," he murmured and glanced to the side, feeling a little embarrassed suddenly. It wasn't the way he wanted to be remembered.

"I expected to go back to my empty apartment, but got your look instead. You couldn't see me well, but I could see everything written on your face, it was crazy. Before you ran after me, pulled on my jacket and apparently also stole my zippo lighter, hacked my SD card and accused me of providing blowjob services for you on your boss' office floor."

_It already feels like that had been a different person, even if you still torture yourself in the same way._

"Maybe because that was the truth, right there, written on my face. Now I only say the truth if it's about wanting you, just like you do. It must be the safest topic of them all." Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and stepped back before carefully wrapping his fingers around Hoseok's healthy wrist and pulling him along. They had to leave or it was going to get even later. "You say that my actions don't make sense while being the one to sleep with somebody else even though you don't want to, buy stocks without an identity, hide away the fact that all of this company is based on your idea and lie that you don't need anybody. You're the confusing one, Hoseok. I'm only trying to save myself from getting hurt and failing."

The muscular body froze in place and Hyungwon felt as if he was tugging on a stone fence. It took a split second before he was pulled flush against the firm chest, air escaping his lungs from the force and feeling immobile in the tight grip.

"And how do you know that I'm buying stocks? Did somebody tell you? Who was it? Have you told anyone else? " Hoseok hissed into his ear.

The switch in atmosphere was instant. Only a second ago the black-haired man had smiled at him while being affectionate, but none of that was audible in the low voice that hissed into his ear, arms holding him so tightly that he could barely breathe.

_You always wondered when the point that you knew too much would come. Is this it already?_

It was almost ironic that he had talked about getting hurt moments ago, only to feel more hurt by Hoseok expecting him to spill what he had discovered to others than by the tight grip that kept the air from his lungs.

_Have you already reached the point where you are more afraid of him not caring about you than being choked? You're really pathetic, Hyungwon._

The illusion of being somebody that matters had been nice for as long as it lasted, a pleasant dream that was rough to wake up from.

"I found out myself," he replied, voice rough and vision starting to get a little blurry.

Hoseok didn't say anything, probably assessing whether he was lying. The grip stayed firm and he saw the soft tongue lick over the curved lips before the air hit the shell of his ear, forcing goosebumps to appear on his skin. "Stop trying to find anything out, Hyungwon. Not about me and not about what I'm doing. I'm going down alone and I'm not planning on taking you along so don't stick your nose into this."

_He really signed his death sentence, didn't he? But why?_

"Maybe I will," he whispered and closed his eyes as he tried to suck air through his lips. "When this shit starts to make you happy."

_Because that's what you do, you pick up broken pieces and put them back together._

"This is not about happiness and I didn't wait for two years barely breathing for you to ruin it. No matter how stupid I was coming here drunk." Hoseok brushed his lips over the shell of his ear, exhaling sharply. "Suddenly you don't think about kissing me, do you? That's how fast it can change."

Hyungwon would have chuckled if there had been enough air for it. Maybe he should have been afraid by how easily Hoseok held him in a tight grip and kept him from getting enough air, deciding that coming to him was a mistake just like talking to him and trusting him with his thoughts. Fear seemed appropriate, but he only felt hurt instead. He hadn't revealed a single word to anybody, kept Hoseok's secrets as if they were his own, even though the other man was hurting himself and using others for some grand goal that he never talked about.

_You had so many opportunities, but you didn't take a single one of them._

Hoseok had come to him for affection and comfort, both things that he provided, but apparently that was a mistake if that big, important goal was concerned.

_More important than you could ever be, as always._

He was always so fucking stupid to get himself into these situations, believing that for once it was going to be different. Why was it so hard to learn? It fucking hurt, more so than his burning lungs.

"I do think of kissing you, Hoseok," he replied and squeezed his eyes shut, unwilling to show how much he actually cared about this. "It just hurts more."

"Because I didn't thank you for finding out information that you shouldn't have any access to? This is not a game, Hyungwon. I'm barely holding on to what I have right now, I can't be babysitting you and making sure that you won't get involved and go down with this. You're hurt? Then stop. Stop being curious about me, stop caring about my fucking hand, stop… wanting to kiss me even though you can't breathe." The way Hoseok breathed out the words felt like desperation when the grip around his chest loosened and he was finally able to inhale again. "I don't want to hurt you, so stop."

_Just stop, Hyungwon. What's wrong with you?_

He didn't say anything and merely fought his burning lungs by inhaling rapidly and blinking away the drops that developed in the corners of his eyes from the strain of holding his breath. His hands were shaking, but he simply reached for his tight jeans, annoyed that he bothered to dress well and couldn't grab the fabric decently. All those unnecessary things he kept doing only for the person in question to restrict him to make him stop.

_Who knows, maybe you need a gun to your head. Maybe that would have helped back then too._

"Then fucking don't," he forced past his lips and clenched his fists to return the blood to his fingers. "If you don't want to do something, then don't fucking do it. It's the same advice, isn't it? Just stop, Hoseok."

"You simply don't get the point that there are a few types of people. You are the type who thinks that everybody has the choice and can do whatever they like because you're sick of others telling you that they can't give you what you need, and then there are people like me. The only reason I didn't use the mouse cable I smuggled in was because I knew that I needed to breathe to make him pay. Hurting you? I don't want to do that. I didn't want anything besides that one thing so yes, I won't if you leave me to sink with that ship without trying to pointlessly get involved, drowning because you thought you needed to save me." Pushing himself from the desk, Hoseok slipped into his leather jacket, walked towards the door and slammed his fist into the wall next to the doorframe. The sound stayed in the room for a little while before the other man let his hurt hand hang motionless at his side and left without turning back.

Hyungwon's hands shook first until a wave of nausea hit him in a matter of seconds and he grabbed the garbage bin under the desk just in time, emptying the contents of his stomach into it. His breaths were loud in the empty office and he tapped the desk a few times until he reached a random piece of paper that he used to wipe over his mouth.

His gaze lifted to the wall and he barely contained another lump of bile in his throat, leaning against the desk while sitting on the ground and wrapping his arms around himself. His bottom lip was trembling and there was no need to close his eyes as drops had already made their way down his cheeks, dripping down his chin the way drops must have been rolling down Hoseok's fingers right that instant.

"Fuck," he whispered, hoping that the words were going to pull him out of the situation and return him to something more familiar. It could be anything, really, hurtful words, insults, poor excuses for not being next to him. Anything was better than the here and now, than the knowledge that Hoseok has just hurt himself again because he had gotten involved, unwilling to let the other man destroy himself.

The worst was that he couldn't change his mind, not when he knew that Hoseok wanted to go under, to reach his goal and disappear. It didn't matter how important or unimportant Hyungwon was, how much it hurt that Hoseok considered that goal of his more relevant than the comfort and care he was able to provide.

Hoseok had said a single sentence that stuck with him, that kept echoing in his head and made him understand that no matter how he felt right now, he couldn't back out. Not even a fucking gun was going to make him stop.

_He said he doesn't want you to drown in an attempt to save him._

But that meant that there was something worth saving.

***

He didn't know which day it was, but it must've been a work day because the guy from the apartment across from his had left the house dressed up in his usual work attire.

_There's a reason you don't drink, Hoseok._

It was a mistake. A big one, but he hoped that it wouldn't meddle with the plan he had meticulously prepared all this time. Hyungwon didn't seem as if he was trying to prevent him from going through with his plan because of some ulterior motive. It looked more like the computer science student didn't want him to be hurt. But for that it was already too late.

_He is just as naive and eager for affection as you had been._

He knew that face so well, the pain that spread in the other man’s chest because he couldn’t believe that Hoseok was able to go from affectionate kisses that he should have never asked of Hyungwon to preventing him from breathing.

_He needs to stop being interested in you. He is more skilled and definitely smarter than you were back then and it makes him dangerous._

Parking his car a few streets from the company, he slid the car key into the pocket of his jeans and glanced at his hand that he put a fresh bandage on to not attract any attention.

_You can't take any more attention than this._

Hoseok carried his laptop under his healthy arm and wondered when the fuck he would finally stop punching walls and let his hand heal, but then again, what did it matter whether his hand was healthy or not? He had a goal and he needed to reach it. Everything else was meaningless. The past few days were like a haze and he only remembered lying in bed most of the time, staring at the ceiling and wondering if he had been dreaming about what happened after he got out when in reality he just moved to a different cell.

_Because you wanted it to be like a cell. To not get used to anything else. Seems effective._

In the end, all of it was completely meaningless because he was only still existing to make Roberto pay for everything. There was no other reason.

_You repeated it so often in your head, why do you still have to? You should have learned by now._

He had a goal but there was something disturbing him. A feeling, a person who wasn't scared of him and who knew too much to be completely meaningless. Hoseok wanted to leave the company, but he couldn’t yet, not without Matteo finally breaking up with Roberto and not without him copying the documents he saved on his work computer.

_You will have to give up on the help that you could’ve gotten from him, do it like he said. Just stop, Hoseok. He wasn't part of it, so why would he suddenly become part of it now?_

A glance at his reflection in one of the shop fronts revealed that he didn’t look very healthy. He had tried his best to take care of his body and to be functional, but couldn’t force himself to eat anything because of the pain in his hand and lost his fight against nausea that didn't even let him keep the painkillers in his stomach.

_On the bright side, you have enough stocks to start messing with him on a big scale._

Nodding at himself, he entered the beige building and walked up the stairs, feeling a bit dizzy from the lack of nutrition and water. A smile spread his lips as he entered the office, walking past the kitchen, ready to greet the guys who were sitting there and doing nothing as usual, before the sound of a familiar voice hit his ears as if somebody punched him.

_It's him._

He almost dropped his laptop, inhaling sharply and walked backwards into his and Hyungwon's office without exhaling. He closed the door and glanced around in a hurry, eyes stopping at the space under Hyungwon's desk that wasn't visible because of the gigantic file cabinet that was placed on the side that was hiding the rest.

Hugging his laptop like a treasure, he walked towards the slim figure and tried to ignore the big eyes that looked at him with an expression so painful that he couldn't handle looking at it for too long as he crawled under his desk, pulling the other man's chair closer and wrapping his swollen fingers around the slim ankle. "It's an emergency. Act as if I'm out for a sales meeting and will be back tomorrow. If you move too much you'll hurt my hand, so don't."

_Are you blackmailing him with your pain now? Because it's the only thing that works?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he froze in place, staring at him and the way he pressed the loose jeans together to reveal how thin the boy's legs actually were. For a few seconds nothing happened, only brown eyes observed him behind thick lenses and gave him much more attention than he could handle at that moment.

_Is it because you kissed him? And now your mind is playing tricks on you, making you believe that he's important?_

"You don't need to hurt yourself for me to help you," Hyungwon whispered and returned his attention to his screen, typing the way he always did with the exception that his body didn't move a single inch.

A few minutes passed but he couldn't relax, expecting something to happen because Roberto wasn't visiting the company for nothing. There was nothing the guy did just like that, it must have some kind of advantage for him.

As if acting on his prophecy, he heard Matteo's and Roberto's voices before the door opened. He sat absolutely still, not holding onto Hyungwon's leg anymore because the comment about providing help had been reasonable enough to prevent himself from shaking from pain. His perception sharpened, making him hear every single sound three times as loud

"That's Hyungwon, our software genius. He's sharing the office with another colleague, but I think he's out now," Matteo commented, followed by Roberto's laugh that made him shudder.

_You can't kill him now. You promised to not touch him ever again._

"Nice to meet you, Hyungwon. I have a pretty specific question and I hope you can help me out. I asked around, but nobody seems to know, so I thought somebody at Matteo's company may have some expertise. It's about stock transactions. You know how usually buyers have to verify their identity, right? But recently… "

_Recently you bought thirty percent of the stocks of the company that he uses to cover up his criminal business and he's panicking._

"Recently there were some unverified transactions. The problem is that the bank is telling me that those are valid, but they have no access to the data. I had somebody look into it to make sure it wasn't… you know, illegal or something, but they told me that the identity was set as some… weird code word without an actual name. Do you think you would have the means to at least find out where the purchase was made? I got you some of the data on here." Steps sounded and Hoseok could see Roberto's always shiny leather shoes. He was taking care of himself, as usual while stepping on everything around him.

_You wanted to stop but now he is here and wants to use Hyungwon to get you. The person who could just step on your hand once and you would give yourself out._

Hyungwon kept his body perfectly still even though there was no danger of hurting him anymore. Instead of listening attentively, the boy kept typing, even while Roberto talked to him. Only when the voice that Hoseok knew too well fell silent, Hyungwon shifted and stopped working on his code.

"That will depend on the data you have and what information is recorded during transactions. It's money business, so the bank where the money came from should have some access to identify the owner, should they not?" As usual the boy was being pragmatic about it, talking calmly and not like there was a man hiding under his desk. "But may I ask who you are? I'm not really used to not knowing people's names when they ask me for assistance."

"Ah, sorry. My name is Roberto, I'm Matteo's partner. We are actually both on the company registry, so I'm kind of affiliated with it too. I heard you are not a full time employee and a really good student. You could show us your skills with this task." That was the point where Hoseok wanted to come out and simply kill him, fists clenching despite the pain.

"I wanted to ask Hoseok something too, when is he coming back?" Matteo asked and Hoseok tensed, holding his breath.

"Hoseok? Is that your other employee? That's an interesting name. Wait- where did I hear it before… Ah, now I remember, a CEO of a software company who went to jail for a huge money laundering scandal and identity theft a few years ago, his name was Hoseok too. Anyways, I put all the data on the stick, so could you look at it and tell me whether there's something you can find? A location would be a good start." Hoseok didn't bother breathing, gaze focused on those black shoes and torn between wanting to choke that walking pile of shit, or stay behind and not risk being found out.

_But Hyungwon will find out, won't he? He can easily tell him that it was you in the library. He knows._

"I'll do my best, I should be able to find out something unless the data is corrupted." Hyungwon shifted once more and typed again before pausing suddenly. Hoseok could tell how tense the boy's thighs were despite the loose jeans. "My office colleague is with a possible client, so he said he'll be back tomorrow and let us know if it was successful. I hope it wasn't anything urgent."

"No, just… the usual," Matteo muttered and he heard the door open before both men disappeared, leaving them in their office. Hoseok pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, head resting on top.

_He knows that it was you. He has no reason to believe you, Hoseok. To him you're just a criminal._

He could hear Hyungwon's chair rolling back until the boy simply sank to the floor, one hand holding onto the edge of the desk as the lack of light made it difficult to tell the look behind the lenses.

"How… is your hand?"

"It didn't fall off," he replied quietly and pulled his laptop to his chest. "My timing is marvelous, really."

"He came yesterday too in case you were wondering, but they discussed it with Flavio first because I'm the last resort, you know?" Hyungwon sighed and seemed to consider reaching out, stopping right next to his knee, only to pull his hand back. "Why didn't you come in the last few days? Matteo was looking for you, a lot. I ran out of excuses."

_Roberto must be pretty desperate._

"You're the last resort because the people here are incredibly stupid. I was busy staring at the ceiling and vomiting. Thank you for covering for me. Before and just now too." He couldn't even say no, decline, tell Hyungwon that he didn't need him to cover for him because he fucking needed him to at least keep quiet. "You don't need to look at the data to know the location, so you can show your skills without actually bothering with the analysis."

Hyungwon didn't reply at first and pulled at the fabric of his jeans, probably because they were slipping down his legs when he kneeled on the carpet. The boy's gaze remained on him, but he didn't attempt to reach out again.

"But I like a challenge," Hyungwon murmured finally and got up, one hand stretched out towards him. "Come on, you should at least let your hand rest instead of wrapping it around your laptop like that. I won't steal it even if I really want one."

"I can't let him see me," Hoseok whispered in reply and sat more comfortably, opening his laptop and turning it on. "That's why I can't just sit behind my desk and do whatever. I guess it will be one of those less comfortable workdays."

Hyungwon grabbed something from the table and crouched down again, smiling suddenly.

"Then drink coffee at least," he muttered and stretched out the small cup towards him. "I made it myself because I'm suddenly not so scary anymore when you're not here."

"He thinks I won't choke him with that mouse cable whereas I definitely will. But not now. Now I can't get out and have to sit at your feet quite literally, but at least I can buy more stocks." Hoseok drank the coffee and handed the cup to Hyungwon with an apologetic look. "Thank you."

"I'm sorry for the sight then." Hyungwon got up again before sitting down on his chair and rolling closer. Hoseok’s view was limited to his long legs, thighs and crotch. "But luckily my clothes are loose enough to resemble a potato sack. I'm the perfect student, nerdy and unassuming. It's fine that nobody takes me seriously."

"I like the view," he commented with a smile that one could probably hear in the tone of his voice. "You're a Kobe steak, but I guess it's good that there aren't many people who know."

"Maybe you're lucky because you only eat that steak slowly, one bite at a time." Hyungwon sighed and typed something on his keyboard, only stopping once in a while when there were voices outside their office. The boy was paying as much attention to the two men as if it was his own identity he had to protect.

"Tricking a receiving bank into accepting a transaction with the name 'vendetta' is pretty impressive," Hyungwon commented suddenly, clicking and typing in alteration. "Are all of the transaction-descriptions this entertaining? How come they are legitimate if there is no information? I thought a bank might just send the money back. Oh- unless there is no info on the source. Impressive. Having money, but not even being able to send it back, so the product is bought."

"Thanks. I had the idea for the verification software because I found a leak in the current system. That was the leak." _And now you're using it to get him._

"I love that idea," Hyungwon whispered and shifted his legs, thereby catching his attention. The boy seemed more mobile than usual, thighs flexing once in a while. "And I prefer the original one."

_The original software?_

"But why? You did a great job coming up with all those functions I didn't even think of back in the day. I mean- it's really meaningless now, I can't even fake your access because you're so good." Hoseok chuckled and lay on the carpet, glancing at Hyungwon's lower body. "I actually came today to copy all my things and not come back, but it looks as if I'll have to stay for a bit because you magically turned into my Achilles' heel."

"So now you're going to keep coming to the office to watch over me and make sure I don't spill the beans?" Hyungwon tensed up again and the typing stopped, only to resume along with the boy's thighs relaxing. A chuckle followed. "Romantic."

“Well, you could fuck me over easily without me noticing and we both know it, so babysitting you probably won’t do the job. I need to come up with something better but my brain feels like mush.” He glanced at the table over his head and stroked over the lid of his laptop absentmindedly before placing his hand on Hyungwon’s shoe. “You said you wanted my laptop. I will name you as the beneficiary in my will.”

"Optimally, I should be retired and living off mashed vegetables by the time you die, so why should you write me into your will?" Hyungwon exhaled roughly and pushed his chair away from the desk again before kneeling on the ground with a package of grissini that he held out to him. "Why would you need to access the verification program if you don't bother with identifying yourself, Hoseok?"

“You are curious,” he commented and curled up because his stomach started revolting as soon as he saw food. “I wanted to check whether I would be able to do the same thing you did, but surprise, I’m out of practice, so you kicked me out. What do you think would happen if I verified my identity? Then that walking pile of shit wouldn’t be here asking you to find out.”

"That's not what I'm asking, because he's not one of the people using our verification software, at least not for the company you buy stocks for. You know how to get around that one, so why do you need to get around the one I programmed?" Hyungwon pulled one of the grissini out of the bag and stared at it for a few moments before sighing again. "It's pretty disgusting, but you could dip it into water for better digestion. You… need to eat something or that will you mentioned might be necessary earlier than you anticipated."

“I think the icing on the cake would be if I vomited while curling up in front of your feet. But then again, it is an accurate representation of my current state.” He sighed too and took the grissini between thumb and index finger, trying not to drop it because his hand fucking hurt. “As you might have found out in the past two hours, I’m doing all kinds of bad, illegal things, so let’s just say it’s one of them.”

"This office has seen worse things than vomit and 'illegal things'." Hyungwon reached out for his hand and paused at first before stabilizing his wrist and removing the grissini from his hurt fingers. The boy pushed his laptop a bit to the side with his long fingers before putting the bread stick into his healthy hand without a word. "Why does Roberto have several companies, but not all of them are listed?"

_Curious, smart and fast, but he still shouldn’t get involved._

“Because don’t get involved with him and leave it to me,” he murmured, staring at the small face from behind his bangs that partially covered his sight.

"That's rather difficult when he came all the way here to ask for my help, isn't it?" Hyungwon chuckled again before gesturing towards his healthy hand with the grissini. The same concerned gaze returned the longer he didn't eat. "I'm guessing he's the boyfriend considering how nervous Matteo looked while asking for you. You're going all out, taking his stocks and his boyfriend. Is that the grand goal you were talking about, the one that is more important than everything else?"

“Smart cookie. And now, stop being smart because you might get hurt.” Hoseok reached out with his healthy hand, wrapping it around the other man’s wrist and pulled Hyungwon under the desk. “I’m serious. What you see is just the tip of the iceberg and it’s not some hacking game.”

"I think I'm perfectly aware of that." Those plump lips pulled together and Hoseok suddenly realized how close Hyungwon was, staring at him over the edge of his glasses while warm breaths tickled his face. "He's so desperate to save himself, which means there's a reason for that desperation. What I don't understand is you. You seem like there is nothing left once you are done with this, but you're still a person like everybody else, Hoseok. The only one who deserves being saved here, seems to be you."

_There’s nothing left of you to save._

He smiled because Hyungwon was so wrong about everything and stroked over the other man’s hair after placing the bread stick on the floor. He didn’t know why he decided to touch, but the impression the person in front of him had of him made him emotional. Almost nostalgic.

_Because it reminds you how fucking eager you were for affection._

“I’m not a person like everybody else, Hyungwon. I’m not even sure that I’m a person at all. You don’t need to save me because there’s nothing to save. I have nothing to lose and that’s my only strength, so don’t…. take it away from me.”

"That's bullshit," the boy whispered and leaned into the touch, eyes closing and showing him how nice it felt. "You bleed just like everyone else, if not more because you keep hurting yourself. You... have yourself to lose, which is too big a sacrifice, Hoseok."

“The cup broke, there’s nothing left, but I’m glad because I know that I can succeed. There’s nothing that I am afraid to lose, but he is attached to every single thing, to his boyfriend, to his family, to his money, to his freedom. He’s going to lose everything and I’m going to put all my efforts into breathing, just like I did before. It won’t make a difference to me,” he whispered, observing the handsome face and the slightly deformed glasses.

Hyungwon didn't say anything, eyes meeting his gaze and one hand carefully reaching out to brush over his, touch tender.

"And what happens once he loses everything, Hoseok? Will breathing be more worth it? Will it feel better?" The boy swallowed and slipped his long fingers in between his, holding on. "What will you be breathing for?"

“Nothing?” He let his eyes flutter shut for a second because somehow Hyungwon’s touch felt right. As if the handsome guy knew exactly how he needed to be touched.

_Well, you taught him._

“That is the only thing I’m breathing for and if it’s done I won’t have the need to breathe. It’s so tiring.” Hoseok closed his eyes and smiled, inhaling deeply.

"Are there no moments when it's not tiring?" A thumb drew circles on the back of his hand, leading it lower until his fingers brushed over the frame of Hyungwon's glasses, along the shell of his ear and stopped at his jaw, cupping the boy's face. "Not a single one?"

_Wishful thinking. The salvation is a short distraction from your personal doom._

“Just imagine that I’m sitting in the middle of a burning room. The fire is a burning hot circle around me, I know there is no way I can survive. Despite the danger for my life, despite the fact that it’s eating me alive, I’m thirsty and stare at the glass of water on the table while those flames are coming closer and I slowly suffocate in the smoke. Still, I want the water in that pretty glass that is so cool in my hand and I drink it, feeling how it soothes my insides, how the thirst subsides and how my body welcomes the satisfaction of a need that is so much stronger than my will to live or literally anything else. But after I drink it, I'm aware that I’m still caught in the same situation, I’m burning and suffocating, so even if you are the water, what’s the point if I’m leaving you empty when the flames are still all around me.” He sighed and opened his eyes, biting his lips at the way Hyungwon looked at him, confirming that he had indeed become the water.

_If you were Roberto you would try using him to extinguish the fire._

"You're caught in your own metaphor, convinced that everything is set in stone when it's not. What if the glass of water gives you just enough relief to make your way through the flames? What if the glass doesn't empty, but you only expect it to? What if drinking the water is the reason you survive until somebody comes and extinguishes the fire?" Hyungwon spoke quickly as he crawled closer and kept holding onto his hand, chest rising and falling rapidly. "You built a box around yourself and tell me there is nothing else apart from it while I'm standing outside and begging you to open the door."

“No, you’re looking at the walls from outside and I’m trying to prevent you from burning to death,” he whispered. His chest hurt so much that it was almost unbearable and the lack of motion was driving him insane, tingling in his muscles and forcing goosebumps on his skin as he grabbed Hyungwon’s face with both hands, welcoming the pain in his hand that fought for dominance in his perceptions. “I don’t want you to burn, don’t you get it? I don’t want it, but I want to touch you, I want to be touched by you, see how gorgeous you are when you feel pleasure and be sure that you will step on me on your way out because it’s the only right thing to do.”

"Your wrong predictions will be the only thing I step on," Hyungwon murmured before leaning in and stopping right before their lips touched. There were a few seconds, a few seconds during which he could have pushed the thin boy away and kept him from kissing him. They ticked by along with the clock in their office as Hyungwon exhaled against his lips, sound as breathless as he felt.

Maybe he wasn't strong enough, or it was the position that he had to stay in for a long time, making him impatient and unable to stay still. Maybe it was also Hyungwon's scent, his big eyes or the soft tremble in his thick bottom lip as he exhaled before leaning forward and covering the warm mouth with his lips.

Hyungwon gasped into the kiss and crawled even closer, one hand placing the grey laptop somewhere next to him while the other removed his hurt fingers from the boy's face to have them rest on his slim waist instead. It wasn't urgent or desperate, but Hyungwon still seemed unwilling to pull away, placing one of his legs in between his and stroking over his neck and shoulders.

He couldn't care less about the pain in his hand and pulled the slim body on top of himself, roaming over Hyungwon's back and tugging at the fabric of the loose sweatshirt that he was wearing. His lips parted and he licked into the hot mouth, tasting coffee and humming at how fucking good it felt, how his body tingled and burned, but not in a bad way. It resembled getting wings and flying.

A soft sound, reminding him of a quiet whimper, was caught between them as Hyungwon climbed on top of his thighs and wrapped his slim arms around his neck, not caring about how little space they had. Those hot fingers were everywhere, in his hair, tracing his jugular vein, dipping in the space above and below his shoulder blades.

_You can't even remember feeling like this. That's how long it's been._

His hands were doing the same. Roaming all over Hyungwon's clothed body, scratching up the loose jeans and desperately pulling the other man closer so he could taste more, feel more, hear more of the gorgeous sounds that were hesitant, but so beautiful nevertheless.

"I won't make any noise, I promise," Hyungwon suddenly whispered against his lips and pushed him back until his head and back were leaning against wood. The boy's hands travelled over his chest and arms, leaving burning trails instead of cold nothingness. "Please don't push me away."

"You can make any sounds you like, I don't care," he replied like a crazy bastard. It looked as if it was getting dark outside, but he had no idea what time it was and whether Matteo and Roberto were still in the office. "I won't push you away, I want you."

Hyungwon didn't reply to that, too busy kissing him and tracing the form of his jaw with his plump lips. It felt hot and when he opened his eyes, he could tell that those brown orbs were shut. Hyungwon was tasting his skin and even though the sky was already a dark blue, the black-haired boy didn't seem to care, unwilling to let go of him. A long index finger followed his solar plexus through his shirt, down between his ribs and towards his abdomen while lips kissed the area below his ear.

"Do you keep silent because that's what you like or because you think that I want you to?" he asked after a gasp and carefully slipped his hands under Hyungwon's loose shirt, shuddering at how good it felt to touch naked skin again.

_His naked skin._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 6

Days had passed without a single word or sign that Hoseok was alive and well. It could have been anything, a message, a call, a note stuck outside the office building.

The clock kept ticking, the sun kept setting and not even Matteo knew about Hoseok's whereabouts while Hyungwon had to fudge excuses that he desperately tried to believe himself. He couldn't get himself to stop worrying and his whole body trembled whenever Matteo looked disappointed but not concerned as Hyungwon struggled to fight off images of Hoseok lying somewhere with a bleeding hand and needing his help, but he just didn't know shit.

The helplessness had been so suffocating that he spent less time recreating Hoseok's original software and focused his attention on attempting to find out more than he already knew. Getting past the defenses of Hoseok's work computer wasn't difficult and once he got in, a few hours were enough to identify a bunch of cleaning programs with emergency reversals. It wouldn't have worked if Hyungwon had missed a few of them, but after finding them all, he was able to access the software that Hoseok had used in the library.

It was complex and fascinating at the same time. He had spent the night in the office that day, partially because he wanted to have the privacy and the time to look at it in detail and figure it out and partially because-

_Because you hoped that he would come with Matteo since that still feels better than his absence._

Hoseok kept buying stocks from a company intermediating in financial transactions that apparently belonged to a man named Roberto Ricci. Interestingly, there was barely any information on that company whereas the guy himself had an online presence as the CEO of an independent financial planning company. It was confusing, especially since the shares that Hoseok kept buying weren't popular or easy to find.

_As if it's a company that doesn't really exist._

Despite the additional information it still didn't make sense. Hyungwon understood that Hoseok was trying to get back at that Roberto guy, but the motive wasn't clear. What did Roberto do that was worth throwing himself away, constantly hurting his hand and rejecting every sign of affection, no matter how much he wanted it?

_He wants to be close to you, to kiss you, but not enough to forget about his plan._

When Matteo appeared in the hallway with another man who was tall with broad shoulders but rather slim, Hyungwon didn't think anything at first. Considering how well he dressed and took care of himself he might have been a client, but Matteo's constant touches and nervous smiles didn't look like it. It was obviously his boyfriend.

It was just a matter of time until the well dressed businessman was going to come to him. Hyungwon knew it as soon as he entered their office complex and looked anxious about something. Those were the people that found their way to him in the end, be it for his skills, because they underestimated him or because they found him pretty.

_There's a reason you prefer comfort at work. You only want it to be the first._

He knew that the guy was going to come, he just didn't expect to have Hoseok hiding under his desk holding onto his ankle at that moment though. He also hadn't expected the man to be Roberto, even though it should have been obvious since he was Matteo's boyfriend.

_Maybe because you expected him to look dangerous instead of charismatic._

Hyungwon felt like he was the key that two hands were simultaneously trying to get at, one hand firm, asking him to find the criminal who was sitting under his desk and continually buying stocks, the other hand desperate, tugging at his jeans, silently asking him to not reveal his identity to the criminal who was standing next to him with fancy black leather shoes, perfume that was too strong and making the mistake of underestimating him again.

_Both of them are involved in illegal business, but why does it feel like Hoseok is the one you should trust?_

Hyungwon's heart was hammering in his chest when there was only him and Hoseok left, the older man seated under his desk with his laptop and him still on his office chair while his fingers ran over the keyboard to find out more about Hoseok, about the case that Roberto spoke of.

It wasn't difficult to find, as if the information wanted to be found instead of remaining hidden. The case was simple, really. A person, Hoseok Lee, was caught buying an insane amount of stocks of a bogus company that was found out to be a cover up for a big sum of money that was stored in an offshore bank account in his name and went to jail for money laundering. The information left him with more questions than he had before finding it.

Why would Hoseok do the same thing he had been jailed for, namely buy stocks, but from the company that belonged to somebody else? A company with barely any information available on it.

_It seems off, all of it._

But what caught Hyungwon's attention where the few side notes that might have appeared irrelevant at first, but weren't.

_Roberto was the one who testified against Hoseok even though they were 'personally affiliated'._

It sounded terrible to him, like stabbing somebody in the back that one was actually close to. Hyungwon couldn't imagine hurting a person that mattered to him, no matter what crime they had committed. Maybe he wouldn't have stayed silent, but the one prosecuting couldn't have been him.

_Maybe you're too emotional about this, not strict enough to stay with the plan that he cares about so much. The plan that involves ruining Roberto for ruining his life._

Hyungwon's whole body tensed at the mere thought that Hoseok had been to jail for one and a half years, locked away for a crime that he couldn't have committed.

_What makes you so sure?_

He couldn't quite explain it beyond his own intuition. Maybe it was the original software that Hoseok had prepared in patents much earlier than they had been submitted by Matteo. Maybe it was the way Roberto seemed to be involved in the same type of illegal business that he accused Hoseok of. Maybe it was the way the older man tried to avoid touch and hated the things he did to himself, but still carried on because the goal mattered so much to him.

_There is no need for revenge against somebody who didn't hurt you in the first place._

But it wasn't the revenge that scared Hyungwon the most and made his fingers shake as he reached out to touch Hoseok's skin and be close, to feel those curved lips against his. It was what would happen after the revenge was done, what Hoseok would do when that goal of his was finally satisfied and there was no reason for him to exist anymore.

_It won't help him. It won't feel better and it won't feel like relief._

Hoseok was torturing himself with something that brought about those feelings in the first place. Roberto hurt him back then by stabbing him in the back, but now it was Hoseok who kept allowing himself to be stabbed by the same person, over and over again.

_He planned on leaving, to just take his data from the computer and disappear as if he had never been there in the first place._

The thought was terrifying, more so than the idea that Hyungwon was the reason for the blood that had dripped onto their office floor and hadn't been cleaned away yet. If Hoseok decided to leave now, there was no way for Hyungwon to find him. There was no tracking software he could hack, no government institution that he dared to steal sensitive information from. He was reasonable and careful, but Hoseok made him act desperate and recklessly.

_Because you want to save him. You can feel that he's still there, the boy he described who kept getting his glasses broken. He's somewhere there, but can't get out of the fire._

Roberto was scared to lose his power and the things he hoarded around himself, Hoseok was scared to get attached to anybody because he planned on losing himself. Hyungwon couldn't let him, not now and not ever.

When he leaned in to kiss Hoseok's lips, he felt so sure that Hoseok would push him away. He felt convinced that the moment when he had begged for the other man to not take back his desire to kiss disappeared along with Hoseok through the door of their office. He had been so sure and scared, but curved lips touched his and for a brief moment it seemed like nothing else mattered.

Hyungwon climbed on top of the muscular thighs, trying to feel everything, to make Hoseok feel everything. He wanted to show him how tender his hands could be, how good it felt to kiss, how mesmerising the sensation of fingers in his hair was. All of it reminded him of his own desperation and need to be close, knowing that it would be over as soon as he made a sound.

He promised the way he always did, begging to not be pushed away and covered Hoseok's jaw in kisses, his body with touches and didn't dare stop.

_What if he leaves and you'll never see him again?_

"Do you keep silent because that's what you like or because you think that I want you to?" Hoseok asked suddenly as fingers travelled below his shirt and forced his lips to part in a silent moan. Hyungwon hadn't expected to be touched and desired, to feel so much when a single kiss was already a lot to ask from Hoseok.

_You're silent because it breaks when you're not._

"I-" he breathed out and leaned a little too far back, head hitting against the firm wood. "I'm silent because I don't want this to stop."

Hyungwon was reckless, but only about himself, not about Hoseok. He wouldn't have dared to kiss the other man if the office hadn't been deserted and they were the only ones still there.

_You didn't tell him when they left because you don't want him to leave. He might never come back if you let him leave._

“But this won’t stop because of the sounds you make. Maybe… your sounds will overshadow that voice in my head that tells me to stop,” Hoseok whispered and let his cold fingertips travel up his sides in a touch so tender that he had to fight against the wish to close his eyes.

He gasped instead, leaning forward and breathing through his nose to be able to kiss longer. He didn't think that any sound he made would be loud enough to drown out the voice Hoseok was speaking of. It must have been the same voice that had made him leave and kept the older man from appearing in the office. Hyungwon wasn't sure if he had any chance against it, no matter if it was his sounds or his presence.

"Don't listen to it," he murmured and tugged at Hoseok's shirt to pull it out of his jeans and be able to slip his fingers under it. It felt realer that way, burning skin under his hands instead of images of bleeding hands and pressure against his throat.

_Will this also break if you say the wrong thing? How do you know that it's the wrong thing?_

Hoseok said that his sounds weren't going to make a difference, but how were words much different? The effect would be the same.

_Back then it was a game of sound, but now it's a minefield._

Hoseok hissed as soon as he touched him, body moving under him and careful touches getting bolder as soon as it was mutual. “I can’t. It’s right there as long as you don’t occupy my everything,” the other man breathed out, leaning forward and catching his lips.

_You need to be everywhere, take care of him._

"Then-" Hyungwon didn't dare to stop the kiss for longer than a second, fingers roaming over the muscular chest until he couldn't take it anymore and began to unbutton the shirt, revealing pale skin. "Then be even closer, so close that there is nothing else."

Maybe he was imagining things, but it seemed as if Hoseok was thawing more every time they were close, revealing more of himself, reacting to his caresses with more intensity and touching him in a way he hadn't touched before. The gasps and how the black eyes rolled back when he stroked over the smooth skin were enough signs that it was different with him. He didn't imagine it.

_He allows himself to feel next to you without being afraid._

Hyungwon wanted to treasure it, to wrap himself around Hoseok so that nothing else could ever get through. He removed the light fabric from Hoseok's shoulders and lifted his own arms above the black hair as soon as fingers reached his ribs, inviting Hoseok to pull his shirt over his head if he wanted to.

_You're crazy, why don't you care about how comfortable it is?_

It didn't matter to him. Moving away might have broken the moment, returned Hoseok to the same nothing that he kept looking forward to. Hyungwon couldn't let him, not now and not ever.

When his loose shirt lay on the carpet next to them, Hoseok wrapped his arms around him, pulling him flush against his burning skin. "I love the way you feel," the low voice vibrated next to his ear.

Hyungwon trembled from the words, trying to keep at least some distance from the feelings they evoked, but it didn't work. He wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck and forgot about needing to be careful before touching the other man, fingers roaming the muscular body and lips searching for those curved ones.

"Then come so close that you can't feel anything else."

"Hyungwon…" Again the attractive voice whispered into his ear and the warmed up fingertips travelled all over his skin, his naked back and the curve of his ass as the muscular body moved under him like a snake. "Do you want to be close to me for yourself or are you trying to save me? Don't try to save me. You're not the doctor of other people's broken lives. You're better than that."

_You're not when they make you feel this way._

"I'm close to you because it makes me feel like I'm the only one you want," he whispered back. For a brief moment he worried that Hoseok was going to deny it, argue that his goal was more important.

_But his words can't undo what you see. He needs you._

"I might feel this way right now. I don't want anything or anyone, but if I had to point my finger at a person… I guess it would be you." He could feel how Hoseok's stomach flexed when he attempted to be close, feel the burning body with every cell of his naked skin that showed him that Hoseok bled like him. Was a human like him. Felt the same way he did.

Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth, overwhelmed by the words knowing he was still not able to compete with Hoseok's goal. Not yet.

_But how are you supposed to change that?_

"Does it feel like you can breathe?" he asked and let his lips travel lower, covering the broad neck and the firm chest with kisses. He loved how the skin felt against his lips, burning and so alive, quivering when Hoseok felt too much. "Is it… painful to breathe when I touch you?"

"It's not that it's painful. When you touch me like this, I feel the need to breathe, to inhale deeper. I feel it, but I don't want to." Hoseok sunk the fingers of his healthy hand into his hair and massaged his scalp, just as he did in the library back then. "Maybe I feel this way because you're my Achilles' heel. Because I know that I can't just hurt you to make you leave."

_He still wants you to leave, but can't make you. It means he's going to leave himself. You cannot let him, ever._

"Don't make me leave," he muttered immediately, using his tongue to trace the line that led from Hoseok's chest to his navel. "Let me be next to you, you said you won't take it back. Don't, don't take any of it back and don't push me away."

The way the lean body reacted to his tongue was more than attractive, muscles tensing just to relax and flex under his touch repeatedly. "I'm not going to take you along when I'm about to go down."

_Then you won't let him go down._

He didn't answer and travelled lower, dipping his tongue into Hoseok's navel and using his hands to draw random patterns on his chest. Hoseok had touched him so many times, only to pull away when it was about him. Hyungwon wasn't going to let him this time, not when the way the other man yearned for it was this obvious.

"Will you let me touch you?" he asked to make sure, to know that Hoseok's mind and body weren't desiring different things.

"I've wanted you ever since I saw you in that doorway," Hoseok whispered, black eyes settling on his face. "It hasn't changed."

_You could feel it then, that's why you kept coming back._

Hyungwon smiled and covered the pale skin with kisses, gracefully pulling sounds from Hoseok's lips that he hadn't heard before, not with anybody else. He was still careful when he undid Hoseok's pants and pulled them down, mouthed along the firm length and slowed down to taste and feel more.

_You need to drown him, but in your affection instead._

It was different from the time in the library, different because Hoseok held back less, moaned more and seemed to forget himself in the sensation, forget how much it pained him to breathe. The sight was addicting, like a fuel for Hyungwon's affection that kept growing higher and brighter like a forest fire, taking over everything around it and turning it into the only thing that mattered.

The way Hoseok massaged his scalp, tugged on his hair when he couldn't control his motions and kept moaning was a reward in itself, but the real reward was knowing that he could be close because the other man wanted him too. No matter how distant Hoseok had been, how suddenly he had left before - when Hyungwon was right there, licking his release from his lips and wrapping his arms around him in an embrace - Hoseok couldn't push him away.

"I want to touch you too, but I… " Hoseok muttered when he tucked him back into his pants. "I can't keep still right now. I would offer to drive you home but I'm going to go by foot because I can't handle sitting right now and will leave the car here, but the metro is still running, right?"

Hyungwon had almost ruined it for himself by suggesting that they could go part of the way together, enjoy each other's company. The words had been so close to leaving his lips until he recognized his chance, maybe his only chance.

_You have to find out where he goes._

It wasn't like him to follow somebody or to even consider it. Rather he was the one who tried his best not to be followed, to continue learning skills he wasn't supposed to have while enjoying solitude at night.

_But this is a different case. If you don't know, he could slip through your fingers._

"Don't worry, the metro still runs. I didn't expect you to touch me. I'd… rather have you take care of your hand for once." He was reluctant to let go of Hoseok, but it was for a greater purpose this time, so he smiled and moved out from under the desk to finally stand up. His limbs were screaming at him for keeping them in such a closed up space for so long. "You don't have to worry about your identity, Hoseok. I will mislead him, so please just eat something and take care of yourself."

The suspicious gaze that Hoseok threw as he climbed out from under the desk and moved his hands and torso, was a little unusual, but he did his best to not become nervous. "I guess I said something weird, but I will try to eat when I get home. I'm not stupid, it won't go well if my body gives up first." The muscular man buttoned up his shirt and pulled the leather jacket over his shoulders, taking his laptop along. "Let's go. I'll walk the few meters with you and drop you off at the metro."

_He thinks that you rejected him, doesn't he?_

The thought hurt because Hyungwon remembered all too well how that felt. Still he tried to stay strong and smiled as he nodded and put on his shirt and jacket, feeling a little more like the guy who worked in this office and not somebody meaningful again. When the two of them were about to leave the building, he carefully reached out and waited before holding on to Hoseok's arm.

"Is this… okay?"

"I don't know, is it?" the low voice asked before Hoseok simply pushed his arm against his fingers as if they were supposed to wrap around it.

_Does he not worry about others seeing anymore, about Matteo finding out?_

Hyungwon didn't comment on it and simply enjoyed the closeness, the unfamiliar feeling of not being a person that has to be hidden away from the world. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and he tried really hard to contain it but failed, staring straight ahead and stroking over the leather of Hoseok's jacket. It felt so right, so why couldn't they simply stay like that?

_Without plans, goals and the need to hurt anybody._

Hoseok was walking next to him without saying a word and letting him hold onto his arm as if it was indeed okay before they reached the metro stop.

"Get home well, Hyungwon." Hoseok looked a little older like that, standing under the streetlamp and he could also see that the other man had lost a significant amount of weight, making his cheeks look less round than they had before. "I'm not sure that I will be able to come in during the day to sit under your desk, but I might come at night. I'm still curious about the things you wanted to show me if you still want to show them to me that is."

"I do," he answered quietly, unable to look away or get himself to turn around and leave. He felt bad for lying about his intentions, for using the fact that Hoseok trusted him in order to follow him in his attempt to get closer.

Chewing on his cheek, he stepped closer one more time and pressed a kiss to Hoseok's lips. It wasn't long and Hyungwon could feel a few pairs of eyes on them, but he had always wanted to do that. Show the way he felt about somebody without it being a dirty secret. "Take care," he whispered and turned around, hurrying around the corner to where the stop was.

His heart was loud in his ears and the mere thought that Hoseok could change his mind and decide to never come to the office again made his hands tremble.

Hyungwon walked a few more steps away and looked at the reflection in a promotional screen to see when Hoseok would turn around and get going.

The other man's figure stood unmoving for a while and it must've looked strange to the people passing by but Hoseok didn't seem to be aware of it at all. Instead, the muscular arms wrapped around the gray laptop as if it was a treasure or something that provides comfort before turning around and walking south with fast steps.

Hyungwon was so caught by the sight that he almost forgot to hurry and follow the older man. Luckily, he had long legs, so it wasn't difficult to keep up and the rush of people made it easy to blend into the crowd. It was dark, but not late enough to have deserted streets yet, especially not in the city center.

_You're quiet and don't attract attention, especially not like this._

Hoseok was walking fast looking ahead most of the time so he was easy to follow. Hyungwon didn't know whether the person in front of him was focused or out of it, it was hard to tell, but his own attention shifted as soon as Hoseok walked into Parco Sempione, the place where they first met.

His response wasn't fast, not like a punch in the face as he might have expected. Instead it was a feeling of dread that kept getting worse the closer Hoseok moved to the entrance of the park. The other man walked down the main street and Hyungwon already felt how he had begun to sweat, cheeks burning too and hands clammy even though he kept wiping them on his jeans.

When Hoseok crossed the street and walked through the entrance without a second thought, Hyungwon felt himself stop, fingers wrapping around a lamppost as his heart drowned out every other noise in his head.

_You can't stay here, you'll lose him._

Hyungwon knew that, he knew and understood that this was his only opportunity to find out where Hoseok lived. The older man had said it was within walking distance, but having to walk through the park was sufficient to know that it was a lie. Hoseok was never going to tell him, because he was convinced that he had to keep Hyungwon away from himself.

_But this place is driving you mad._

He wasn't somebody to be afraid much, not at night or in the dark. Hell, he had even been fine walking through the park in the fog and with rain hitting his face. It wasn't the park itself he was afraid of, but the memories in his head. He could still feel the way he was pressed against a tree, unable to breathe and a knife was held to his neck, sliding along it as if to replace a tender touch.

_But you can't let him escape, Hyungwon. You'll never forgive yourself._

His whole body was trembling when he forced himself to cross the street and pass the park gates. He couldn't see Hoseok in the distance and that knowledge made breathing even more difficult, reminding him what it meant to be alone.

_You have to find him._

He didn't even realize that he started running, twigs breaking under his feet and making too much noise as he sprinted past a few smaller paths and almost missed a main turn.

_You've seen him, you've seen him go around the corner before. Go there._

He kept running, fire burning in his lungs and exhaustion turning his vision blurry. Only when he reached the intersection of paths where he had found Hoseok's lighter he stopped, catching his breath and trying to think. There was nobody, not yet. He couldn't let Hoseok find him, so he had to be silent.

_If you're silent, nobody else will find you either, so stop making noise._

Holding his breath, he turned where Hoseok had turned the last time and kept walking along the path with fast steps. When his eyes finally fell on a broad figure in the dark, he almost turned around and ran, panic spiking in a matter of seconds. Only the sight of a leather jacket and thick arms wrapped around a laptop calmed him down.

_You found him. It'll be okay. You found him._

He slowed down and felt the sudden need to cry, his whole body still shaking but this time with relief. If Hoseok was nearby then he was going to be okay.

To his surprise, Hoseok stopped in front of an old residential building that didn't look as if it had been renovated in the past and simply pushed the dark wooden door without needing a key. He waited and watched the few lights that were on before one on the right side on the third floor lit up and he saw a broad shadow.

_Is this where he lives?_

Hyungwon couldn't believe it at first. Hoseok had enough money to spend it on stocks and even if the identity was fake, the money wasn't. There shouldn't be any reason for the older man to live at a place like this. Hyungwon's apartment wasn't luxurious either, but it definitely needed a key for the front door.

_Get a grip first and wait some more. Maybe it's a place that he only stays at for a while._

It was two hours before midnight, so Hyungwon doubted that Hoseok still planned on going anywhere, but he had to make sure.

He waited, but the light still burned without anything major happening. The apartment window had curtains so he couldn't look inside, but the broad figure that passed by the window made him feel sure that it was the place that Hoseok stayed at. When his legs started hurting from standing around and observing a window like a creep, the light turned off.

_This is definitely it._

His eyes passed over the residential building one last time before he sucked his lips into his mouth and wondered why there was a sudden burning in his chest.

_Because you know standing in front of a house without going in too well._

It reminded him of back then, when he had to leave before 5 p.m. because he couldn't be seen, a secret. He also stood in front of the building sometimes back then, watching how the shadows embraced and kissed.

_But this is different. There's only you, but you have to get through to him._

Hyungwon would have loved to open the front door and make his way towards Hoseok. He would have loved to enter that apartment and wrap his arms around the other man. All those thoughts were in his head, but he knew for certain that he couldn't follow through.

_If you get too close too quickly he will run, afraid that you will keep him from his goal._

He sighed and turned around, doing his best not to feel hurt. It wasn't the same situation, but the feeling of returning to his own apartment, wrapping up in his cold blanket and staring at the wall was the same.

Lonely.

***

“Did someone break your glasses again?” the low female voice asked next to him when he sat on the low half-broken bench in front of the grey building, rubbing the dried blood from his nose.

Flashes of red.

The patches of green grass.

His glasses on the dark wood next to him, broken lens on one side.

Almost a rainbow.

“Yeah. I asked if they would wait until I took them off, but they didn’t,” he muttered and stared at his sock-covered feet. Why wasn’t he wearing any shoes?

“You know, Hoseok, right now you might feel as if being a kind person who doesn’t fight is a curse, but believe me, later, when you meet nice parents and other kind people like you who will love you and take care of you, you will understand how great it is that you are the way you are.” The woman stroked over his head and took his glasses from the bench. “You won’t tell me who it was, right? You should though, because if somebody does something wrong they should have to pay the consequences.”

“I will forget about it eventually. You said that I will get adopted first because I’m handsome and nice,” he muttered, clenching his fists. “They will be punished for doing all those bad things at some point, that’s why we have the police and the law and if they keep doing it, at some point they will be caught and punished.”

“That’s right. Just continue being the kind boy who has so much love to give. I’m sure you will only have good things coming for you.” A bright smile covered by bright red lipstick was all he saw because tears started rolling down his cheeks, dropping on his jeans and he squeezed his eyes shut just to open them again and focus on the white ceiling without any moldy spots. It was dark.

_Just continue and you will only have good things coming for you, Hoseok._

Shaking his head as he sat up, he looked around his self-made cell. The words in his head sounded ridiculous if he thought about his current situation. Betrayed and framed by the person he considered family, going to prison for eighteen months after waiting for his trial in the crowded cell for six months without seeing a single familiar face because nobody cared. Losing his company that he worked for years to establish, losing his will to live and his hope that there was anything left for him. Return from prison to find his idea under somebody else's name, the perpetrator living his best life, continuing his illegal business and not regretting a single thing.

_Only the good things for you, Hoseok. But he will pay. The authorities aren’t going to make him pay, you will._

The white walls without a single picture covering them, a single bed he sat on and one cupboard on the side. There was nothing else in his prison outside from prison and there was no need for anything else because he was a person without a life. People decorated their homes because they planned to stay, because they wanted to feel comfortable and welcomed, but he didn’t need any of it. He needed a space to sleep and to be able to leave the door open without anybody coming in and trying to steal things or choking him. Nobody would come into this area to steal things, there was nothing to get here and especially not from him.

_Apart from your accounts, but they are all digital._

Nobody knew about it and nobody cared. It was easy to get employed because Matteo never asked for any records and the plan was running smoothly until Hyungwon came into the picture.

_And until you remembered that you weren’t able to get rid of that side of yours. Needy for affection and unable to decline as soon as somebody saw more in you than you actually are._

Like the teacher at his orphanage that he dreamt about. Maybe that was the reason for suddenly remembering the situation. The older woman had always seen him as someone kind, someone lovable. She was wrong, but it felt so nice to be seen that way.

_Just like he looks at you. One might think you aren’t actually a cheap cup that was smashed for a reason._

Being a cheap cup didn’t mean that the person smashing it didn’t deserve any punishment. On the contrary. Hoseok had given up on everything apart from his wish to make Roberto pay and he was determined to go all the way, no matter where he ended up after it or if he ended up anywhere at all.

_He wanted to show you something. It’s 10 p.m._

Hoseok stood up and walked to the small cupboard to take out new underwear and slip into black clothes that weren’t attention seeking. A black cap covered his eyes and he reached for the small bag from the pharmacy that contained a dark grey band aid that he wrapped around his hand. He felt better about his fingers, but maybe it was because he hadn’t punched anything in the past few days, or it turned numb. Who knows?

As soon as he arrived at the company, he parked his car, took out his laptop and walked up the stairs, heart hammering in his chest.

_Because he is your Achilles’ heel, but you can’t make him leave. Not in a rough way. He says he won’t hurt you but it doesn’t mean anything, does it?_

Hoseok learned not to trust anybody but himself. In prison or outside, it was the same thing. There was always the opportunity for people to stab you in the back, but it couldn’t happen if you were alone.

_In addition, you don’t want to ruin anybody else involved. Not Matteo, even though he stole your shit and not Hyungwon. Just him._

He was alone, ready to go down and there was nothing that could stop him.

Paying attention to the noises he made, Hoseok carefully walked towards the familiar office and opened the door. Hyungwon was comparably quiet, probably because it was night, and hadn't turned on the ambient lighting. The black-haired boy sat on his office chair in his usual, oversized clothes and focused on his screen, leaning a little closer than would be good for his eyes. It probably explained the thick glasses.

Not even the typing was particularly loud and the silence was sufficient to hear him as Hyungwon froze and turned towards the door, eyes wide. Most of the light stemmed from a small, book-shaped lamp next to the boy's fingers, illuminating the side of his face and especially the color of his lips.

"I wasn't sure if you would come tonight," Hyungwon whispered and shifted his chair to make space in front of the screen.

"I said I would. Not that it means anything, but I did say that I would come." Hoseok slipped out of his jacket and pulled his own chair closer, sitting down and immediately focusing on the screen.

Hyungwon must have been fast since it only showed his desktop while a nervous smile played around the corners of the boy's lips. It wasn't quite like him.

"You said you would come, but I didn't know that it would be tonight. I'm glad that it is." Typing instead of using the mouse, Hyungwon made his way through a few security measures that he must have set to protect whatever it was that he planned on showing Hoseok. "It's a little extra project of mine that I wanted to show you."

_An extra project?_

At first Hoseok didn't know where this was going and what extra projects Hyungwon might have been working on that he protected more securely than his hacking exercises. Once Hyungwon gained access, Hoseok recognized the source code of a program which the boy initiated while chewing on his cheek. The screen was filled by a painfully familiar logo until it made way for the interface of an identity verification software. It wasn't comparable to the one he had seen Hyungwon work on before, because this wasn't it. This was his.

_But why would he…_

The colors were the way he had specified them in some random documentation files on his SD card. They weren't meaningful and any other person wouldn't have considered them interesting for longer than a split second, but Hyungwon must have dug them out and reconstructed everything.

_The way you thought it would look._

Still chewing on his cheek, the boy next to him clicked his way through the program, showing him how it worked, how he implemented his improved security system in the language he specifically wrote for it and how he made sure that it corresponded to the descriptions, the messy notes Hoseok left there because he hadn't been able to convince himself to delete them.

"You're crazy," he whispered, unsure what else to say. "Why would you…" His fingers were shaking as he placed his hand on top of Hyungwon's long fingers that wrapped around the mouse and clicked on the additional objects that he implemented. It felt like an illusion because no matter how long he stared at the screen, it was just the way he had imagined it. Before his life went to shit. "Why would you bother?"

Hyungwon didn't reply at first and Hoseok merely felt the boy's fingers shift to slip in between his own as he kept looking at his creation.

"Because I like the idea, the original one," Hyungwon replied finally and smiled, expression just as excited as he had been on the day Hoseok learned how skillfully Hyungwon could hack his way into the system. "It has some improvements that the official one doesn't. I thought… it might be better to keep those just between the two of us for now. Matteo also doesn't know about most of the things I did with the program except for the colors of the squares he asked me to change."

Suddenly a grin spread the plump lips as an index finger pointed at the interface design. "I also think this is way sexier. You have an eye for these things, even if it took a while to figure out what the hell you were talking about in those files."

_He brought it to life just like that. Did he do it for you? No, right? He said he likes it better._

"You're a genius, fuck," he whispered and couldn't rip his gaze away from the big screen, clicking around like a kid.

_He's too good to be sitting around here._

His thoughts were circling around the program and how fucking genius it was, even though it wasn't relevant for his goal or his situation right now. "I wish I met you back then," he muttered, before realizing what he had said and turning to stare at Hyungwon's handsome face.

"Why can't it matter now?" Hyungwon asked back, eyes attentive and bottom lip slowly disappearing in the boy's mouth. "The adjustments I made and the current version aren't patented."

_They aren't._

"Because I decided to give up on it just like I gave up on everything else." He licked his lips because watching Hyungwon's face made them feel dry somehow and he wondered if his brain was starting to malfunction because of the amount of interpersonal communication that he forced on himself. "But let me give you some advice. Find a different company to work for because you're too damn good for this place."

The way Hyungwon's fingers suddenly rearranged to intertwine with his by pressing down on them caught his attention. The boy used the moment to push his chair closer and make their thighs brush as their eyes met again. The hesitation and insecurity from before was wiped from Hyungwon's handsome face.

"Then make one, Hoseok."

_What?_

He was staring, unable to say a single word as the words echoed through his mind and pulled out memories of how he signed an agreement with Roberto, giving him decision rights and celebrating it in an expensive restaurant. They had laughed and the tall man who he learned to hate during the past two years had joked about how he was going to be fucking successful and they could move in together and be a rich couple, two CEOs.

"Been there, done that," he muttered, clenching his fist with his hurt hand. "You must know that you're sitting next to a criminal right now, so why would you ask something like that? I can give you a few names where you can try. I haven't been in contact with anybody for two years now, but I can tell you the people in charge."

Hyungwon shook his head and used his free hand to carefully wrap his fingers around Hoseok's wrist, probably in the hope that he was going to stop hurting his hand.

"I'm sitting next to somebody who shares my passion and had his first opportunity to show it taken away from him. Why wouldn't I ask the person who thought of all this in the first place?" Hyungwon gestured towards the screen that showed a simulation of an identity verification process, just the way he had imagined it back then with the exception that it was reality now. "I'm just a student, Hoseok. But you see past that."

"You might think right now that I'm the only person who can see your skill, but it's not true. There are and will be enough people in your life who will appreciate it, Hyungwon. You don't need me for this. In fact you can probably do it all by yourself." He sighed and chewed on his lips, feeling sudden memories catch up with him.

"It's not only about being appreciated, Hoseok." Hyungwon exhaled in resignation and sank deeper into his office chair, fingers still wrapped around his wrist. "It's about this idea being fucking amazing, you having the skills and experience to make this work and me feeling like there is finally somebody who understands why I love this."

Leaning in, Hyungwon tilted his head to look at him better, making him realize that he had avoided eye contact.

"You love this too, Hoseok. I can see it and I can see that you understand it. Why would you throw away a passion like that?"

"Because it is meaningless now. There is exactly one thought inside my head, and this thought is circling around the most effective way to make him pay for the things he has done even though there's nothing that would be enough. That's it. That's why I told you that it's meaningless. Everything is meaningless for my life but it's not for yours, so please listen."

"Aren't you… letting him win?" Hyungwon's voice was quiet as he said that, fingers tightening around his wrist until he must have changed his mind and simply let them travel over his forearm without applying pressure. "He took everything away from you, but by not even allowing yourself to keep your passion… aren't you really letting him have everything?"

_He doesn’t think that you went to jail for a reason?_

“I went to jail and he is fucking somebody who makes money with my idea and covering up his illegal family business with that excuse of a company I bought stocks for. His shoes are still perfectly clean, his voice doesn’t shake when he speaks to you, asking you to find me while I’m sitting under your desk, unable to move even though it’s driving me fucking insane and I’m being quiet like a mouse, reminding myself that I promised to never touch him again and that it’s the reason I can’t choke him to death. So yes, he took away everything and that’s why I don’t care anymore, Hyungwon. I don’t care about anything, so don’t come too close and be sure to step back when I’m about to go down with him.” He inhaled, feeling his chest constrict, words triggering an emotional response he wasn’t prepared for.

Hyungwon didn't say anything, merely observing him until the boy moved even closer and reached out, fingers pausing for a few seconds. Only when those seconds passed lean arms wrapped around his neck and he was surrounded by warmth and soft exhales against his neck.

"He didn't," he heard next to his ear as Hyungwon's lips brushed over its shell. "Because if he did, then you wouldn't be able to feel this way anymore. You couldn't feel excited about what you love and you wouldn't tremble the way you do when my fingers brush over your skin."

“Isn’t it wishful thinking?” he whispered back before pressing his lips together because his body was a needy shell, reacting to Hyungwon’s touch as if it was necessary to stay sane. Suddenly, he heard a sound that came from the main entrance. He turned off the monitor and slipped from the chair, pulling Hyungwon down and under the desk. After looking around and assessing the situation, he used his left hand to pull both chairs and hide them from sight.

_Why is somebody here at this hour?_

As if planned, the door to their office opened and he saw a person come inside, look around and walk towards the desktop. Hoseok held his breath as the man stopped right in front of the desk, turned off the book lamp and walked out again.

_Why is he here?_

He heard keys and his whole body tensed and his hands started shaking as soon as the sound entered his ears, sounding from the main entrance.

_What if he locked you in? It’s the fourth floor, you can’t get out of the window without breaking all your bones._

"What the hell?" Hyungwon muttered and pushed the chairs away to climb out from under the desk and make his way towards their office door. Pressing down the handle, the black-haired boy cursed before turning around and leaning against the closed door. "The janitor locked us in. I don't get it. He only locks the main door, why bother with the offices? Shit."

He didn’t get any air, desperately trying to inhale, but his lungs spasmed and he curled up under the table, shaking from the muscle tension. He was locked in a tiny room again, unable to get out.

_You can’t get out._

Squeezing his eyes shut he coughed and tried to inhale again, but it wasn’t possible, he was broken and he knew it, there was no way to fix it.

"Hoseok?" a voice asked from somewhere, but it felt like it was speaking through a veil, far from the spot where he was caught without being able to escape.

His name was repeated a few times as the voice began to change, sounding louder and a chair screeched too close to him as it was pulled away. He attempted to move away from the sound and rolled to the side, hitting his back against something hard. Curling his hands into fists so hard that he could barely move, he exhaled with a strained sound before trying to inhale again. Thinking about it, he had lied to Hyungwon back then, saying that breathing was the only thing he could do, but in reality he couldn’t even breathe. He was completely and utterly broken in every possible way.

"Hoseok- what- what's happening?" the voice asked next and there was suddenly a warm hand on his shoulder. There was no light and a dark figure was kneeling close to him. There wasn't even enough space to crouch.

He tried to move away again but there was no space and he couldn’t see anything, eyes squeezed shut and body shaking. His back hit against something hard again and he reached behind himself, trying to find a way to move, but it didn’t seem as if there was any.

“Don’t… don’t fucking touch me,” he breathed out to whoever was trying to grab him and pressed himself against the hard surface, coughing and desperately trying to breathe. His lungs felt like they were on fire and he remembered his own metaphor, feeling how fucking true it was. The flames always managed to get him even if he didn’t expect them to. Not yet.

The fingers disappeared as if they were burned too, but the shadow still stayed, hovering over him as if there was no space.

"Please Hoseok, please come out from under the desk, your hand- you'll just hurt yourself." Again the words barely arrived and drowned in the sound of his own attempts to inhale.

“Let me out. Open the door and let me out,” he coughed and moved his arm, hitting it against something hard. There was so little space that he felt like he was suffocating. In a desperate attempt to hold onto something, he scratched over the rough carpet that he lay on, listening to his own strained exhales. “I can’t breathe, just open the fucking door.”

"I- I'll try," he heard somebody stutter and the shadow disappeared. There were other sounds instead, a door handle being pressed down without anything happening, something metallic moving against wood followed by a curse. Then there was paper falling to the ground and drawers being opened roughly, everything accompanied by curses.

_You need to get out of here, Hoseok._

He coughed again, hitting his hand against the carpet. His lungs and his whole body shook and it hurt so fucking much that he felt like dying. Somehow, among his body giving up on life, he hoped that he would finally burn to death and maybe Roberto could choke on his ashes so he didn’t have to be in so much pain. He wanted to make it stop.

"It'll be fine," he heard not too far away from him, words that kept repeating like a mantra. "I'll figure this out and get us out of here. I promise, Hoseok. It won't take long, I promise."

Nothing was fine and nothing was going to be fine either. He was closed up and couldn’t get out, his muscles were tensing and it felt like they were breaking his bones when he whimpered because he couldn’t move. Forcing himself to inhale, he hit his head against a hard surface behind him and tried to move away, lungs rejecting the air in short coughs instead of using it.

Suddenly something rubbed over the carpet, accompanied by a gasp, sound stretching for several seconds. Then it repeated and the surface that had pressed against him disappeared suddenly, moving away along with a rough exhale that stemmed from a person next to him.

He curled up again, hoping that he wouldn’t get hurt more before it felt safe enough to move and he rolled to the side, breathing heavily.

_You can’t do anything like this. You’re just a lump of meat unable to breathe._

The sight behind his closed eyelids turned red as somebody must have turned on the lights, followed by drawers opening and closing so loudly that he lifted his hands to his ears and pressed against them.

"I'll find it, I know I will," a voice muttered once more as books fell to the ground not too far away from him. "I promise."

“Just let me leave,” he coughed again, inhaling with a sound that resembled whistling because his lungs spasmed as he did. “Open the fucking door and let me go.”

The noises only got louder and Hoseok lost track of the times he tried to inhale until the clashing of wood and metal suddenly stopped and there were only quick steps followed by the metallic sound of a lock clicking open.

"Hoseok, I-"

_The door is open. Leave._

He pulled himself up on all fours, opening his eyes and being blinded by the bright lamp, but it wasn’t relevant. When he lifted his gaze, he saw a figure standing next to an open door. It was open, so he attempted to stand up, falling on his knees once before he finally managed and walked as fast as he could, stumbling through the hallway, almost ripping out another door handle and rushing down the stairs until he was outside.

_Where the fuck are you even? You need to leave._

For the first time in what felt like an eternity, Hoseok inhaled and ran down the street, feeling the burn in his lungs, the burn in his temples, his muscles and the freezing cold burning against his skin as he ran until he couldn’t think anymore. He didn’t want to think. He didn’t want anything apart from the flames to finally take him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 7

His shaking fingers reached out for a door handle, slipping off a few times even though he was doing his best to control them.

_What are you hurrying up for now? He's gone._

It was only him now, standing alone in an overly bright office covered in paper, pens, important documents, cables and office supplies. The two desks stood at the side, in no way attached to each other and making the whole room look like it had been ransacked.

_You, you did this._

A glance at his fingers explained why they burned, skin catching on small metal pieces, staples or screws that weren't fixed properly in the drawers that he had pulled out of their mount. The scratches didn't look too bad, nothing compared to the state Hoseok's hand had been in, but as so often was the case, paper cuts and those small red lines burned enough to distract him from everything else. Maybe that was good.

_You've never had anybody speak to you with such contempt._

Hyungwon didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to look at the out of place desks and think of the way Hoseok had hidden under one of them, constantly hitting his head and hands against it while hissing at him to not fucking touch him.

His bottom lip trembled but it was childish to think of himself as the victim when Hoseok hadn't been able to breathe, hyperventilating and shaking so much that Hyungwon hadn't dared to step any closer.

_You were scared that he would hurt himself._

Now that the door was open and he was alone, he couldn't help hating the way he had reacted. How was he supposed to provide comfort when the only thing he could do was whisper pointless reassurances and demolish an office? He hadn't even known that there was a key, hidden away in one of the drawers of Flavio's old desk.

_You told him that you can still make him feel, but can you really?_

Hyungwon's hands and lips might have provided comfort when Hoseok needed it, when there was calm and darkness surrounding them. But there was nothing he could do in the crucial moments.

_There's nothing you can do when he is this scared._

He had never seen anybody react like that, lose awareness of the people nearby and drown in panic and fear. Hoseok hadn't even realized that he was under the desk, enclosing himself even more than the office already did.

Hyungwon's bottom lip trembled and he bit down on it, hard, to keep himself from crying right now. There was no fucking point in him crying because he wasn't the one who deserved to be comforted.

_He must feel so terrible now, knowing what side of himself he showed to you._

Hoseok didn't open up to anybody and what Hyungwon had seen was already past what the older man wanted anybody to see. He couldn't even imagine how Hoseok must feel now, outside all by himself with nothing but his own thoughts to comfort him.

_You also only have your thoughts and it feels terrible. You can't let him be on his own, no matter how much this scares you._

His ex boyfriend would have laughed at him, joking that he is indeed a dog that returns to his owner no matter how many times it got kicked. Hyungwon's thoughts were still filled with Hoseok's voice and how he hissed at him to stay away and just open the fucking door, but he couldn't stay away, not after all this.

_You never could, not now and not before either._

The situation wasn't the same this time, even if he couldn't stay away. It wasn't Hyungwon yearning for affection and appreciation, but it was his need to help, to show that he cared. It didn't matter in what state the shards were, he wanted to reach out, pick them all up and hug them to his slim chest.

_Even if they bruise your fingers._

Grabbing his jacket, Hyungwon slipped into it, hissing when the scratches on his hands came in contact with the fabric. A glance around the office was enough to know that he couldn't leave it like that, but he also didn't have the time to fix everything. Not when he had somewhere else he had to be.

_You will have to do it in the morning._

His eyes fell on Hoseok's leather jacket that lay crumpled up on the ground. He lifted it and wrapped his arms around it, inhaling the scent as he tried to take deep breaths. It smelled like cigarette smoke and even though he had stopped over a year ago, he couldn't help the sudden need he felt, hands trembling.

_Because you stopped to get over what happened and now you feel just as helpless as before._

Swallowing down the urge, he reached for Hoseok's laptop that still lay on the desk next to his keyboard and hugged that too. If anyone saw him, they must have thought he had lost his mind, smelling a leather jacket in a messed up office. But the scent calmed him down, enough to find the strength to close the office door on his way out.

Once he was out of the office complex and finally on the stairs, each step got easier and easier. Instead of holding onto the laptop, he put it into his bag and instead of carrying the leather jacket, he threw it over his shoulders. It calmed him down by surrounding him with Hoseok's familiar scent.

The streets were dark and only a few cars shone their headlights in his direction before turning around a corner. Hyungwon wasn't thinking anything in particular as he followed the same path that Hoseok had taken the day before, hurrying past streetlamps, Milan sights and a few people that decided to enjoy the nightlife of the city.

His hands still burned and he wondered if Hoseok felt similar, constantly distracted by the pain he felt in his hand that made him calmer than he would have felt otherwise.

When he reached a familiar crossing, he suddenly understood why his heart was hammering in his chest. The entrance to Parco Sempione was right in front of him, the path that he had taken to follow Hoseok and to be able to find him no matter what.

_It feels like a trial of your determination, doesn't it?_

His hands shook and instead of turning around, Hyungwon let his fingers slip into one of the pockets in the leather jacket around his shoulders and pulled out the cigarette case with the letter 'H' engraved on it. Taking out one cigarette, he tried to imagine being somebody else, a person that was able to walk through that park without getting in trouble. He had a leather jacket and the scent of Hoseok surrounding him. The cigarette was quickly lit with the zippo lighter before he closed his lips around it and took a deep drag, filling his lungs with it.

_This is a good enough reason to regress, isn't it?_

He imagined the smoke filling him out instead of his fear and took the first step, then the next and the next. It got easier the quicker he walked and the more vividly he imagined the way Hoseok must be feeling right now, at home on his own with his own demons haunting him.

_What are your fears compared to his, Hyungwon?_

Nothing. They were nothing, so he turned around the corner where they first met and found himself in front of the old residential building, the one that didn't need a key for the front door.

_Is he afraid to lock it?_

The window that Hyungwon had watched for over an hour the day before was dark, but he only hesitated long enough to discard the cigarette butt and wrap his arms around himself. He was scared, but not of the park or of what he would find. Hyungwon was scared of hearing the same words again, to have Hoseok hiss at him to leave with contempt because he didn't want him there and didn't need him.

_But you know that he does._

Exhaling the last bit of smoke from his lungs and leaving the bitter taste of cigarettes, Hyungwon made his way towards the old door and pushed against it, feeling it give in without a problem. It wasn't difficult to reconstruct where Hoseok's apartment was, a single flight of stairs and a black door that revealed nothing, not even a name tag.

_You have to knock._

His hands felt clammy and he didn't dare to, fingers reaching for the round door knob only to give up halfway. There was no use coming all the way here to stand in front of the door and do nothing but breathe, knowing that the man on the other side of the door wasn't able to.

_What's the point of wanting to help him if you don't dare to? He needs you._

Biting down on his bottom lip, he pressed his forehead against the door, eyes squeezed shut. To his surprise the handle turned and the black door fell open. It didn't screech as Hyungwon expected it to and only produced the sound of a breeze that easily filled the small space.

_He doesn't lock his door._

Hoseok's apartment wasn't really an apartment, it was more like a room. There was only the light of the streetlamp illuminating the barely furnished space and he recognized a single bed with a person laying on top of it, curled up, one random chair and a cupboard on the side. Apart from those three things there was nothing.

_It looks like a prison cell, as if he never left._

Hyungwon swallowed and didn't know what to do at first as the cuts on his hands burned suddenly and he carefully lowered his bag to the ground along with Hoseok's laptop. Next he hung up the leather jacket and his own jacket on the single chair that the room had, remaining in his loose clothes in the middle of a room. Or a prison-cell, he wasn't sure anymore.

_He needs you, he needs you so much._

His feet moved closer on their own, even before he made the conscious decision to do so. The bed Hoseok lay on was so small, barely fitting his broad build and Hyungwon barely contained the need to rush and cover the other man with his body.

_You can't, he must be so scared._

Instead he was slow, breathing carefully and slipping out of his shoes that he left right next to the bed. Hoseok was curled up and faced the wall away from him, body shaking and the rise and fall of the other man's chest visible from how close Hyungwon was standing.

The fear that Hoseok didn't want him there was still present, but it didn't really matter. Even if Hoseok didn't want him, Hyungwon knew that the man lying on that small bed needed him right now, more than anything else. He didn't want Hoseok to be alone right now, alone with his thoughts.

_You need him too._

Holding his breath, he sat down on the edge of the bed right next to Hoseok's fully-clothed body. The older man hadn't even bothered to cover himself with the blanket while still shaking uncontrollably.

Hyungwon's fingers travelled from the simple, white pillow and paused right before they touched Hoseok's shoulder. He wanted the warmth to be a warning, to let Hoseok know that there was somebody, ready to touch him. After a few seconds, he finally allowed his hand to touch, to carefully travel over Hoseok's upper arm as he lay down behind him, still not daring to breathe properly.

_He must be so cold._

His hands were shaking too when they wrapped around Hoseok's waist and he attached himself to the broad body, inhaling the familiar scent while hoping to make a difference.

Even if Hoseok jerked from his touch, he couldn't feel it because of the trembles that passed through the cold body. Hoseok ran home without his jacket and it was freezing outside. The small room wasn't much warmer, leaving him as the only source of warmth, of comfort. Of course the weather couldn't have been the only reason for the trembling and Hyungwon could still picture the way the person in his arms had been unable to breathe and to move properly, curling up under that desk.

_What if you hadn't known where to go? Would he be all alone?_

"What are you doing here?" the strained voice asked and it was so quiet that he could hear Hoseok swallow right after. "How did you know where to find me? Did you follow me?"

Hyungwon inhaled once more, feeling guilty that he was the one feeling comforted simply because he was able to embrace Hoseok and be close, to warm him up by pressing himself as close as possible.

"Holding you," he answered plainly and leaned in to place a kiss against Hoseok's nape, feeling how cool it was compared to his own body's temperature.

"Why? You didn't see enough? Just leave," Hoseok whispered, voice shaking and giving out that the person he was holding must be in pain. Hurting in a way he couldn't understand.

"I don't want to leave." His lips began to cover Hoseok's nape and shoulders with kisses as his hands caressed the other man's sides, holding him close in an attempt to show affection. "And I know that you don't want me to leave either, Hoseok."

"Leave. Why aren't you listening when I tell you to fucking leave?" Hoseok turned and looked at him, tears streaming down the pale cheeks and lips blood red from biting on them. The broad body was shaking and he shuddered when the delicate hands wrapped around his shoulders, cold and clammy.

Hyungwon didn't know what to say, chest burning from the sight and lips parting without a single word coming out. The words hurt because they reminded him of the way Hoseok pushed him away, but at the same time he knew that they weren't true. Hoseok didn't want him to leave.

_He's only hoping that you will because he's afraid of this, afraid of being hurt._

He reached out and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck, pulling the older man to his chest as tears began to soak through his shirt. His fingers found their way into black hair and stroked over it, lips pressing a kiss to the top of Hoseok's head. There was no need for words, because they didn't matter. Hoseok knew why he was there, why he embraced him like this despite everything and why he refused to let him go. Both of them knew without having to say it.

Hoseok froze in his embrace apart from the frequent shudders that passed through the broad body until the fingers around his shoulders loosened and curled around his waist. "Don't…" the low voice whispered, but Hoseok didn't finish his sentence, burying his head in the crook of his neck and crying silently instead.

It hurt, but differently. The pain stemmed from knowing that Hoseok was miserable and that there wasn't anything Hyungwon could do apart from holding him close and hoping that it made it better somehow. He wanted to be here, to show that he wanted to be close, even if he was also scared of being hurt.

"Shh," he whispered and kissed the top of Hoseok's head again, hands stroking over black strands and trying to show that there was no need to be alone, not anymore. "I won't go anywhere, so don't make me."

"Making you leave is the only thing I feel I can do right now." Hoseok's voice was barely audible accompanied by the motion of his lips that Hyungwon could feel against his neck. "There's nothing here. Nothing. So I don't understand why you came."

_How can he feel this way when he's the only reason you came here?_

"You are here," he replied and let one of his hands travel down to Hoseok's jaw, lifting it just enough so he was able to see the other man's face. His lips trembled at the sight, unable to contain his response as his eyes burned and he leaned in to stay strong, placing a warm kiss on Hoseok's mouth. "You don't have to make me leave. You can let me hold you and warm you up."

A sharp exhale left Hoseok's nose as soon as their lips touched and he felt the cold fingers tighten around his waist, as if the other man couldn't help his reaction. "Haven't you seen how broken the cup is? How much more do you need to see until you finally understand that leaving is the only good option for you? It's not only broken, it's fucking smashed, there's nothing to fix, there's… nothing left and nothing worth looking at. Please leave me, please… "

_Still you want to pick up all the pieces and hold them close._

The words were so desperate that Hyungwon had to blink a few times to conceal how easily Hoseok was able to get to him. He had seen a lot, a lot of pain that Hoseok had been forced to go through for no reason, pain that the older man considered a part of himself now while being convinced that nothing but the pain remained.

_But you know there's more, you've seen it._

"I'm not going to leave, Hoseok," he replied and dared to kiss the curved lips again, feeling like it was his only way to show how much this meant to him. It didn't matter what he had seen or how much Hoseok wanted him to give up. He wasn't going to. "It doesn't matter how shattered the cup is, I'm still going to hold it because it's precious."

"There were people like you before. They thought like you, but they were all wrong. The teacher at the orphanage said there would be only good things coming if I stayed the way I am, but you can see what the outcome is. I just want to stop breathing because it hurts so fucking much that I can't take it. I can't take that it feels this way and I can't take that you came here even though you've seen how fucking broken I am. I can't take that I can't make you leave because I feel like dying when I think about staring at the wall again."

_How are you even supposed to battle this much pain? Do your words have any effect?_

Hyungwon didn't know, but knowing that Hoseok didn't want him to leave was enough. It was enough that his departure was only going to make it worse, to return the loneliness that he was as afraid of, as the man in his arms. But it was not only the loneliness for Hoseok. It was so much more that Hyungwon couldn't understand.

"I can't take the thought of leaving either," he admitted and kissed Hoseok's lips before kissing the older man's eyelids that left a salty aftertaste. "I don't care what other people say about you, Hoseok. I feel the way that I do and if I can make you feel at least a bit of that, then you're not going to get rid of me. I need you and… I think you need me too."

"Don't… please don't say anything," the low voice begged desperately as Hoseok finally wrapped his arms around him and pulled him tight against his trembling body.

Hyungwon listened and hugged back, one hand caressing Hoseok's shoulders and the other stroking over his hair in the hope that being close would make it better. Even if he couldn't take the pain, then at least he could share it, as incomprehensible as it may be.

***

Was it his trust that broke him in the end, or the persistent need for affection that made him blind and unable to recognize that the people around him were either naive or malicious?

_At least before, nobody could see how utterly broken you are inside, how all of this burned everything that you are, only leaving a grey shell that still reacts to the tempting touches, remembering the times when they made you feel like you were loved. A bit pathetic, isn’t it?_

A shudder shook his tired muscles and he dared to open his eyes, slowly recognizing the familiar white ceiling and a heavy feeling on his chest that didn't seem to leave no matter how hard he tried to inhale. He recognized the black hair as soon as he glanced down, just like the thin limbs that wrapped around him tightly, probably to prevent the handsome person from falling from the narrow bed.

_He came and stayed despite you crying and begging him to leave._

He hadn't been sure at first, but now it seemed as if Hyungwon was one of the naive ones. Thinking that it paid off to save him.

_There's nothing to save._

Having a warm body on top of him felt strange, like a memory from another life that didn't belong to him. A life where he stroked over the warm back, kissed the freshly shaved cheek and smiled because he had loved mornings.

_Before._

Before mornings started with being woken up in a small cell and forced to go eat even though he couldn't bring himself to put a single bit into his stomach. Before he had to make sure to only use a little toothpaste, a little toilet paper and a little of everything because it wouldn't be replaced. Before his cell was considered a public place. A public place where he was locked up but everybody could see, like in a zoo. Before he had to leave an empty space in every form that asked for his parents, his spouse or anybody that could be informed in case he died.

_But you didn't die. It ate you from the inside, leaving a shell that you can use to make him pay because they never pay for what they did wrong. You know that now._

Clenching his fists, he shifted a little, trying to escape Hyungwon's embrace that filled his shell with memories instead of the clear plan he had when he left the prison building. Hoseok couldn’t let him. Not now, when he was so close.

The person in his arms made a grunting sound that surprised him because Hyungwon never made any sounds, not like that. He had thought about it many times, but Hyungwon’s vulnerable gaze that he saw when they stood in the library, when he touched the soft lips and said that it was okay to be silent made him think that there was so much more hiding behind the lack of sound. Something that he had no right to know or to judge.

_He must have his reasons and you have no reason or right to know._

Hoseok carefully sat up and freed up space on the narrow bed, letting Hyungwon curl up around the blanket, lips pouty and glasses pushing into his temples. Reaching out, he took them off and placed them on top of the cupboard before sinking on the floor next to it and staring at the narrow bed that now harbored a person. A person who came because of him.

_He doesn't make it feel like a cell anymore. He makes you feel as if there's something else there for you. Stop._

Hugging his knees, he shuddered at all the pain he had inflicted on his body that showed itself now, when there were no soft fingers caressing his cheek, wiping his tears away and no voice that told him that he wouldn't be left alone.

As if to prove him wrong, hot fingers appeared on his arm, carefully stroking over it without applying too much pressure. A glance at the small bed was enough to meet big, brown eyes that were observing him and a pink tongue that tried to moisturize the slightly cracked lips. The effect of Hyungwon's eyes without glasses was more intense, as if they took up most of the space on the small face and didn't let him look away.

"Come here," Hyungwon whispered, voice rough, but didn't tug at his arm to make him act on it, touch still light.

"Why don't you enjoy the brief comfort of my prison bed for yourself?" he asked and chuckled. "But at least I have a separate bathroom and an actual shower." He didn't stand up but shifted closer on his butt, until he sat right next to the bed.

Hyungwon was still observing him while lying on his side and let his hand travel from his arm to his nape with a delicate touch. After a few moments, long fingers sank into his hair and began massaging his scalp. Hyungwon's other hand rested next to his slim chest on the sheets and Hoseok realized that a few red scratches and light bruises were covering the usually smooth skin.

"What's it like?" the boy's voice asked finally, still sounding rough as he moved closer and pulled the blanket on top of his legs. "In prison."

He chewed on his lips and stared at the big eyes that probably couldn't really focus on him because he was a blurry mess. He remembered it too well from the time that he had required glasses. "Depends. First you wait for your trial and there is barely space to sit on the floor because there are so many people and you feel like a worm or maybe a cockroach, trying to survive and believing that it will be okay because… because there's no way people go to jail if they didn't do anything, right?" He chuckled and brushed his bangs back as the sweat started developing on his forehead. "And then- then you wait until you die but you never do. You just wake up every day at the same time with a little bit less of yourself until there's just the shell because apparently your body and mind are made to survive and they suddenly tell you that you can leave now because you were so compliant. Now there's nothing I'm afraid of, I guess, apart from myself."

Hyungwon's hands left his hair and wiped over his forehead, lifting his bangs in the process as the black-haired boy kept listening to him.

"That's how hurt has always felt to me, but it was never from the outside, only the inside. Outside everything seemed perfectly fine and like nothing had changed at all," the boy whispered eventually as he slipped closer towards the edge of the bed, close enough to feel his exhales. "Why are you afraid of yourself, Hoseok?"

"I’m afraid that I'll be stupid enough to put myself back in the situation where I have to live through all of it again," he whispered and glanced up. Hyungwon looked gorgeous with his swollen lips and big eyes, his messy hair and the graceful motions of his long fingers. Of course he was scared.

"I think… I know that feeling, even if it cannot compare to what you went through. I'm also constantly scared of making the same mistakes and ending up alone because I let myself be tricked into feeling special." Hyungwon swallowed and returned to massaging his scalp. The boy leaned a little bit closer, inhaling his scent while trying to make it look like it was nothing. "When you speak of having to live through everything all over again, do you mean having to return there?"

"I'm ready to go back. That's not what I'm scared of. I'm scared of getting attached to… something and feel the loss all over again. I'm afraid of myself." He smiled and moved forward like a cat, rubbing his head over Hyungwon's hands before he stood up and walked the few steps to the bathroom. "I can offer you toothpaste, inmate. Today is a good day."

Hyungwon didn't reply, but he heard the boy get up from the bed and stumble over the chair on his way, hands holding onto the doorframe and eyes squinting. The world must be completely blurry to him since Hoseok had placed the boy's glasses on the cupboard.

Crossing the last few steps over to him, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around his waist and leaned his head on his shoulder, inhaling deeply without saying a word.

"Are you thankful? You should be, you know in real prison you only get one toothpaste and you never know whether you'll get a replacement, so one should be very careful to portion it judiciously." Hoseok moved his hand towards the toothbrush but changed his mind in the middle, placing his fingers on Hyungwon's hands around his waist. "Would you like to have your glasses back?"

Hyungwon's lips pressed a kiss to his nape and he felt how they spread in a small smile before rubbing over his skin as Hyungwon shook his head. Without glasses, he could feel it each time the boy blinked and his eyelashes stroked over his skin.

"I like it like this."

"Not seeing anything clearly? I thought so. But what…" He glanced down and stroked over the back of Hyungwon's hand that was covered in scratches. "... what happened to your hands?"

_Was it you?_

Hoseok swallowed and lifted one of the big palms to his face. It wasn't anything major, but it must've hurt. "Was it me?"

"Of course not." Hyungwon kissed his nape again and used the position of his hand to stroke over his pale cheek before curling it around his waist again. "I wasn't careful opening drawers and there were some loose screws and staples that scratched my hands."

A few moments passed until Hyungwon looked up and met his gaze in the mirror. Even if Hoseok wasn't sure the boy could actually see him, the intensity of the gaze remained.

"I like embracing you like this without my glasses in the way. It feels… closer."

"Maybe I should be scared of you instead," he muttered, but couldn't force himself to look away. Instead he lifted his healthy hand that didn't make him feel as if his body was falling apart and stroked over the smooth cheek before curling his fingers into the black hair, watching their reflection in the small mirror.

Hyungwon's hands travelled upwards over his chest, applying a little bit of pressure until they moved down to the bottom of his shirt and slipped under it. When the fabric rolled up past his navel, he felt another kiss right below his ear. "May I?"

His skin was tingling and he pulled at the black hair lightly, exhaling so easily even though he couldn't the night before. "You know so well how to touch me," he whispered and turned his head, placing a kiss against Hyungwon's neck.

His shirt was pulled higher, all the way up to his neck until they were forced to part for Hyungwon to pull it over his head. It landed somewhere next to the sink and he didn't bother checking as Hyungwon tugged at his shoulders to turn him around and pulled his own loose sweatshirt over his head. Arms wrapped around his neck and the slim body was pressed flush against his chest. The feeling of skin on skin was burning hot, but not like the flames that threatened to consume him. It was more like it was warming him up, his chest and what was inside.

_There's nothing, but it still feels as if there is._

His hands found the narrow waist, curling around it and pulling Hyungwon closer. The black-haired boy didn't hesitate to let his hands roam over his muscular back, massaging his shoulders and sinking into his hair to tilt his head. Plump lips brushed over his as Hyungwon slipped one of his lean thighs in between his own to reduce the distance even more.

_You thought about touching him a thousand times, but you never thought it would feel this way._

Hyungwon got to him in a dangerous way, in a way that made him want more, be closer, forget everything, be it his pain or his plans.

A breathy exhale brushed over his lips and Hyungwon tugged at his hair, as if inviting him to attach his mouth to the long neck. He would have been careful, attentive towards Hyungwon's intentions, but the way those brown eyes fluttered shut from his hands alone made it difficult to resist.

As soon as both hands got a hold of Hyungwon's slim body he turned, hitting his back against the wall and pulling the gorgeous person against his chest. He traced the pulsating jugular vein with his lips, placed kisses against the shell of his curled ear and roamed the smooth back, gasping from how good it felt, how much he wanted more.

Hyungwon only exhaled roughly, sounds limited whereas Hoseok could tell from the way the boy's body kept tensing up that he must be enjoying the touches. The impression was supported by closed eyes and bright blush on the gorgeous face. When he nibbled on a spot below Hyungwon's ear, the boy's hips rolled forward, providing friction and pulling another silent moan from Hyungwon's lips.

"You really don't make any sounds, do you?" he whispered and stroked from Hyungwon's back over the waistband of his loose jeans until he cupped the perky butt and hummed into the kiss that he placed against the other man's warm neck.

Another silent moan followed as Hyungwon kept his eyes shut, but his lips parted. Fingers were tugging at his hair to have him closer and keep touching while a lean leg easily slipped upwards to pull an unexpected sound from his lips.

"It makes me believe that I can keep this for a little longer," Hyungwon replied before using his right hand to slip in between their bodies, brushing over both of their groins in the process.

"It's not the sounds you make, Hyungwon. It's the sounds that my mind makes," he gasped and pulled the slim hips against his, eyes rolling back and hair rubbing against the white tiles.

Hyungwon leaned in to lick over his neck and suck on his collarbones while brushing his long fingers over both of them through their jeans.

"You wouldn't be saying that if you had somebody fuck you in a closet while his wife was cleaning up the kitchen and humming a cheerful melody." The words didn't sound like Hyungwon at all, as if they forced their way past the arousal. The boy's big eyes focused on him as he paused the motions of his hand, confirming his suspicion. "Sorry, it's not your mind, it's mine."

"A wife, huh? And now you're here with an ex prisoner who'll go back soon and even though I'm not forcing you into a closet and my door is always open because I can't bring myself to lock it, I'm fucking your boss on a regular basis, so why would you… do this to yourself?" He leaned back and observed Hyungwon's face, chewing on his lips because his body was burning. "Do you need help to say no? I will do it for you."

Hyungwon was breathing heavily, mirroring the way he felt and Hoseok could feel the boy's body move even closer, pulling another gasp from Hyungwon's plump lips.

"You're not telling me to shut up while thinking it's funny how scared I am to be found out and lose everything." Hyungwon inhaled deeply, eyes fluttering shut and kept the air in his lungs for a few moments before leaning in and brushing his red lips over Hoseok's, without kissing him. "I'm here because I want to be."

"'You're not treating me like shit' is a bad argument, Hyungwon. Why would you do this to yourself if you're so hurt that you can't make a sound? Tell me to fuck off and understand that you're better than this and if you can't I will help you." He still exhaled quickly, arousal burning between his legs and increasing with every motion of Hyungwon's hips against his.

"Then tell me when you are going to understand that you're better than this plan of yours." Hyungwon leaned back to have their gazes meet and examined him intently, fingers still playing with the skin above their waistbands before brushing over their groins once more. The way the boy's lips parted in another silent moan was distracting. "You're fucking my boss even though you hate it and struggle to reach climax, whereas with me it seems like a single touch of my fingers is enough to light you up. I want this, Hoseok and I can tell that you want this too."

_He wants it, but not in the same way that you want it._

Hoseok didn't say a single word, simply staring at the handsome face, before he leaned in and placed kisses along the long neck, letting his fingers scratch over the smooth skin on Hyungwon's back and his sides.

After another roll of his hips, Hyungwon used his long fingers to unbutton both of their jeans and pull down the zipper. The boy's lose ones slipped down his hips almost instantly, but he didn't seem to mind as he tugged at the waistbands of their underwear next until he was able to wrap his hand around both of their lengths, stroking slowly.

_That's not it._

Teeth settled on the plump bottom lip as Hyungwon watched him attentively, observing how he reacted to the sparks of pleasure between his legs and the skillful motions of Hyungwon's thumb on his tip. The black-haired boy wasn't unaffected either, lips parted and stomach contracting once in a while. It looked gorgeous, but his insides turned at the image that it reminded him of.

_It reminds you of the way you touch Matteo without feeling a single thing. He can't share with you, but he can't push you away either._

His gaze narrowed and he wrapped his fingers around Hyungwon's hand, pressing on his wrist to make him let go before closing the button of his jeans and washing his hands briefly. He remembered that there was still some stuff in the pharmacy bag so he took it from the cupboard along with Hyungwon's glasses and returned to the slim figure that still stood there unmoving.

_At least put his pants back on._

Hoseok placed the glasses back on the handsome face, kneeled and carefully pulled up the loose jeans that had slipped past the boy's thighs. He closed the zipper right after before taking Hyungwon's palm and putting some of the ointment on the small cuts.

_If he opened all the drawers, the office is a mess right now._

Throughout all of this, Hyungwon didn't say anything, merely breathing heavily. Hoseok could feel the boy's gaze on him, but it was safer to focus on the red scratches than on the emotions he was probably going to see in the big brown eyes, hidden by thick lenses.

"The office is probably a mess because of me, right? We will have time to make it look as if nothing happened," he commented and stood up, putting a new toothbrush into Hyungwon's hand before pointing at the bin. "You can throw it away here after you're done."

Again, Hyungwon didn't reply and merely turned towards the sink before wetting his toothbrush and smearing way too much toothpaste on it, along the whole length. Hoseok walked out and changed into new underwear and his work clothes. He could hear the boy brush his teeth furiously until he spat into the sink, washed his face and reappeared in his small room.

"Why?" Hyungwon asked suddenly and chewed on his cheek as he leaned against the wall close to the wardrobe.

"Because I don't want it," he replied, buttoning up his shirt and trying to get his hair back in form. "I'm probably going to fuck your boss. It's enough pretending for one person and I'm not going to pull you into this further than you already are. You can't say no? I can. No."

He didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't a quiet curse before Hyungwon slipped down the white wall, face hidden by one of his big palms as his shoulders shook. The black-haired boy didn't say anything, he didn't even look up and only gasped for air a few times before holding it in his lungs like his life depended on it. The second ticked by and the shaking only got worse, as if keeping the air inside his lungs was a poor way of containing what was happening. A lid that was too small for its container.

"Shit," Hyungwon whispered quietly as his fingers sank into his black bangs, removing some of the ointment Hoseok had put on the cuts. The gesture allowed him a brief glance at the boy's face, at the way his eyes were squeezed shut, his lips trembling uncontrollably, pulling together into a grimace as tears streamed down his face.

"Was that mean?" he asked, inhaling sharply and crouching next to the person who was crying as bitterly as he did a few hours ago. "I didn't mean to hurt you on purpose, but this whole thing is a fuckery and it's better to cry now than to feel like dying later. Believe me this one time." He sighed and wrapped one hand around the boy's shoulder, unsure if he was okay with being touched.

Hyungwon didn't push him away but what had started as quiet gasps and shaking shoulders transformed into full blown sobs as the black-haired boy didn't seem to be able to contain it anymore. Thick drops travelled below his glasses and over his cheeks and even when he covered his mouth with his palm he wasn't able to muffle the sounds.

"Why- why do you think I'm doing this, Hoseok?" Hyungwon forced out and wiped over his face with his sleeve, blurring his glasses. Teeth bit down on the plump bottom lip hard enough to bruise, turning it even redder along with the big eyes. "Can't you fucking tell that I like you?"

"You like me? I think that's a shit idea, but I can't force you to hate me, can I? However, what I can do is tell you to stay away from me and not touch me when you know that I'm going to fuck somebody else while you're forcing yourself to be quiet with me, thinking it will make me feel appreciated or forget about the fact that I'm going to throw myself off a cliff. I told you that I'm going down alone, but you came here and dried my fucking tears and made this prison into something else, touching me in my bathroom and thinking that it is what I want. I don't. What the fuck do you want? Be hurt by the way I treat you? I'm not going to play along. I'm going to tell you to stay the fuck away from me, because apparently you aren't able to." Hoseok was breathing heavily and clenched his fist, ready to punch the wall again, but the warm tears that landed on his other hand distracted him and he hit the surface with his flat palm without hurting himself much.

Hyungwon flinched at the sound, but didn't move away from him the way he should have. The black-haired boy lifted his head to look at him, struggling to form words with how badly his lips kept trembling. Hoseok could barely take the sight as tears kept dripping from Hyungwon's chin onto his hand and the floor.

"I told you what I want. I told you that- that I want you. Are the rules different now?" Hyungwon squeezed his eyes shut as his body shook and a few more tears rolled down his face, pearling on his cracked lips. "Before it was sounds that ruined everything. Is it- is it my silence now? I'm not some manipulative asshole, Hoseok. I'm not trying to achieve anything by being close to you. I do it because it makes me feel for the first time in fucking forever."

"The rules are different because no matter what you want, I'm not going to drag you down with me, stepping on you in the process. You are used to that? I'm not going to. I hate it. I hate it the most. You got hurt by people doing exactly that, holding you close when they fucked somebody else and let you watch, manipulating you with your affection. I'm not going to do that. Do you understand? I'm not going to let you touch me like this and then bend him over the table knowing that you would watch and hurt yourself because I wanted your affection and you couldn't help it. I'm going to cut the rope and it might hurt at first, but it won't hurt for long." His fingers were shaking because watching Hyungwon cry was devastating and he wanted to punch the wall, he wanted to, instead he scratched over the rough surface and grabbed Hyungwon's shoulders, pulling the slim body against his chest, holding him so tightly that he hoped there was enough space to breathe.

"I begged you not to push me away," Hyungwon whispered suddenly, tears soaking into his work shirt and long fingers grabbing fists full of the fabric in an attempt to hold on. The boy was shaking in his arms, as if the tears were not only because of his words but everything that had piled up over the past few days, finally making him break down. "If it won't hurt for long, then why am I still hurting even though it's been over a year? Why are you still hurting even though you're free now and could do anything you want? You might be fucking him, Hoseok, but I- I can tell that you don't want him, that you never did. Don't- push me away if it's true that you feel different with me. Don't do this to me."

"Why? So I can feel better fucking you as long as I can, only to go back to that place? Not only reliving all of it again because I suddenly have something to lose but also leaving you crushed? No. Just no. Find somebody who doesn't give a fuck about you. I'm not going to."

"But why," Hyungwon whispered and the grip on his shirt loosened as the boy reached out to cup his face, leaning close enough to breathe the same air. Hoseok could barely see the brown eyes behind the fogged over lenses. "Why would you have to go back there, Hoseok?"

_He was hoping, wasn't he?_

There was no hope because it was the only thing he felt he had to do.

"Because I was convicted once. All I need to do now is breathe in the wrong direction and I would get sent back. I'm doing my best to breathe with any possible means I can find. Don't hope that I'll change my mind, don't think about it. I'm tightening the string around his neck and around mine at the same time, so there's no way to come out alive. I don't want to either. I don't care as long as he pays for what he did. I'm not going to tell you not to talk to me, but don't try hurting yourself by being close to me. I don't want it."

"Aren't you giving him what he wanted in the first place? He wanted to ruin your life and managed for over two years. What you're doing now, how is it any different from ruining your life?" Hyungwon was still cupping his face and instead of moving away the way the boy should have, plump lips brushed over his briefly. They were still wet and salty from tears. "You're a liar, Hoseok. There was one time you told me the truth and that was when you came to me late at night and asked me to kiss you."

The air got stuck in his lungs and he fisted the fabric of Hyungwon's shirt, eyes jumping from one eye to the other, teeth catching a bit of his bottom lip and chewing on it to mask his thoughts.

_You shouldn't have come back then._

"I also punched the wall that night," he whispered, barely able to inhale because his clenching lungs didn't let him. "But no matter how many times I punch the fucking wall, I somehow still want you more."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 8

Hyungwon had been trying so fucking hard.

No tears had left his eyes when he demolished the office looking for a key while listening to Hoseok's whimpers and the hiss to stay the fuck away from him that kept repeating inside of his head. He also hadn't cried when the older man finally wrapped around him, sobbing bitterly and begging him to leave, to finally listen to him and just leave him alone.

All those times he hadn't cried, because despite everything he knew that Hoseok needed him, that those arms didn't want to push him away and yearned to pull him closer instead. He knew that it was because of Hoseok's plan for revenge, his need to make the man who ruined his life pay the price for it. There was no space for affection and the need to be close to somebody if the only thought that kept Hoseok sane was the need for payback.

Hyungwon knew all that while running through Milan to find his way to Hoseok's small room and wrap his arms around the shivering man. He knew that Hoseok kept rejecting him even though those hands yearned for his skin in the same way that the curved lips desired to touch his. He was prepared for words of rejection because he knew that they didn't mean anything.

_But this is different._

Maybe he had been too gullible, feeling strong because he spent the night in Hoseok's arms and was able to shower the beautiful man in his affection, to listen to his concerns and to wrap his arms around him as he planned on brushing his teeth. All of it had felt too good to be true, even if Hoseok's words had scared him. Hyungwon couldn't imagine what it must be like to stay locked up for two years for a crime one didn't commit. He couldn't even begin to grasp it, but he felt thankful that Hoseok shared it.

That had been the reason for talking about his own concerns and the way it had felt to him, even if it wasn't comparable.

_And despite everything he is prepared to go back there._

Maybe he had been too afraid to ask why, to confront what Hoseok really meant by 'going under' each time he said it. Maybe he had also been naive in his belief that turning Hoseok around and touching him while fueling their arousal was going to make it easier for both of them. Hyungwon had even dared to speak of the past, of thoughts that still haunted him whenever he felt too much, too attached to a single person.

He had been able to deal with Hoseok's rejection before, but not at that exact moment, not when he revealed a bit of himself and admitted it was the way that Hoseok looked at him that made him feel special. It didn't matter who Hoseok slept with for as long as that gaze was his, the longing for touch and comfort was directed towards him.

It was the wrong moment for a break, for the sound that Hoseok must know so well. A cup smashing into a wall and cracking at all the wrong places, old ones but also new cracks that hadn't been there before.

Hoseok accompanied it all with silence and an invitation for Hyungwon to throw his toothbrush away just like he was expected to throw himself away, out of Hoseok's life.

_So it can be him and that nothing he pretends to be fond of while trying to escape._

Even then he still fought to stay strong, leaning against the wall as he asked for a reason. There had to be a reason for Hoseok to push him away like that after opening up, after showing him so often that being close was what he wanted.

_You already need him so much, even if you focus on how much he needs you._

Hyungwon had expected a lot of things, requests for him to leave, to stop trying and to leave Hoseok to his misery.

_But you didn't think he would push right where it hurts the most._

Hoseok said it so easily, telling him that he didn't want him in the same breath that he spoke of being with somebody else. The one thing Hyungwon gained his confidence from - the knowledge that despite Hoseok's plan, the older man felt different with him - all of it just landed in the garbage can. The garbage can that Hyungwon hadn't been able to throw his toothbrush into, placing it right next to Hoseok's instead. Right where he wanted to be.

The tears came all on their own, ripping through his defense and forcing him to inhale desperately, to contain the sound because he sounded so pathetic when he cried. His hands were shaking and his lips pulled together in a grimace, all while he tried not to think about every single time he was in that situation, being told that he wasn't wanted after being so sure of the opposite.

Hoseok kept telling him that it was for his own protection, that it would get better with time. Hyungwon had heard the same words so often that they only fueled more tears and more pain in his chest, enough to feel like he was going to suffocate sitting on the floor in Hoseok's small room and being utterly helpless.

He had been so sure that Hoseok reacted differently next to him, that even if the older man wanted to go through with his revenge, he still couldn't help but want to be next to him, to kiss him and hold him close. Was it that easy to abandon it all, to push him away and simply wait for it to hurt less?

_How can he be so sure that it will hurt less when he is still hurting after all this time?_

Hoseok spoke of wanting to protect him, but Hyungwon didn't want that protection. He wanted the man in front of him, the man that held him in the night crying and begging him to leave, the man that came to him at night and asked to be kissed, so he didn't have to feel the lips of somebody he didn't love against his own.

_You can't change your mind just like that, how can he? Is he pretending again, lying to you to make it easier to push you away?_

There were two forces urging him to decide, one that wrapped muscular arms around him and pulled him against the firm chest, making him feel special again and another that told him to stay away, to give up and abandon the hope he had been silently fueling every time they were close. But how could Hyungwon listen to the second if it had lied to him before, tried to push him away with cold words?

_Does he think hurting you will make you leave? How simple must he think your feelings are to give up so easily, to let him destroy himself for the sake of something that only makes him more miserable._

Hyungwon felt desperate, caught outside the box that Hoseok had built around himself, constantly hammering against the door and begging Hoseok to open it. His hands were already bruised, but the heavy door didn't move, as if there was no way to get through it. He cupped the older man's face, trying to be closer even if he had just been rejected, lips brushing over curved ones because it sent a shiver down his spine. The touch made him feel alive and helped him to remember the day Hoseok had come to him and asked to be kissed, telling him how afraid he was of abandoning that plan of his because the kiss made him feel too much.

_You're afraid of not being important enough and he's afraid of you being too important in the end._

Hyungwon could see the change on Hoseok's face, the way the older man chewed on his bottom lip only because he mentioned the first time they kissed, the first time Hoseok had spoken truthfully about the way he felt.

"I also punched the wall that night," the low voice whispered, breaths irregular and ragged as if it was suddenly difficult to breathe. "But no matter how many times I punch the fucking wall, I somehow still want you more."

_There it is again, the truth._

Hyungwon's chest ached and he held his breath, terrified that the moment was suddenly going to end the way it had back then. He didn't want to be the reason for Hoseok's pain, but he also couldn't allow the older man to keep moving towards it, destroying himself in the belief that it would give him the bliss of not feeling at all.

_But it won't happen. It will still haunt him the way it did before, only that this time he will have brought it on himself._

Moving closer, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around the broad neck and climbed on top of the firm thighs. His body was still shaking and his face must have been a mess, but he knew that those things didn't matter to Hoseok. It wasn't his face that made the older man feel the way he did.

"Then why are you hurting me by pushing me away if you want me so much, Hoseok?" he whispered and brushed over the black strands, yearning to connect their lips and fill out the emptiness in his chest, the feeling that something had broken and he couldn't fix it this time.

“Because I will hurt you more. You and myself. The more I want you the more I’m going to hurt you and that makes me nauseous,” Hoseok whispered and tried to inhale again, fingers shaking and tightening in his shirt, tension building. Hyungwon hoped it didn't get to the point where he felt the need to punch the wall again to release it.

"How do you know what will hurt me more, Hoseok? How can you be so sure?" He stroked over the pale cheeks and brushed his thumb over Hoseok's curved lips before tasting them with his own. The touch felt so good that he almost let loose a wave of tears again, a sign that he was still vulnerable in Hoseok's hold. Both of them were like broken cups that had been put together carelessly while discovering shards of the other. "You hurt me the most by lying to me and pushing me away when I know that you want to be close. Please let me hold you. I know what I'm getting into, I've seen it and even if I don't understand it yet I want to understand. Please, Hoseok."

A sharp exhale followed and Hoseok grabbed his face with both palms, clashing their lips together in a kiss so desperate that it sent shivers down his spine. The depth and intensity attempted to convey something that was impossible to put into words and every touch, every shift and exhale against his lips felt like it. It felt like Hoseok was talking to him in a way only he was able to understand. In a way the other man would never talk to anybody else.

_Because you are special to him._

Hyungwon wrapped his arms around the broad shoulders and tilted his head to show Hoseok that he understood. That he could feel the desperation and helplessness that they shared with their lips instead of through words. He could barely breathe, but he also didn't need to, not when he was able to be this close.

He didn’t know how much time passed but it seemed that they must’ve melted into each other, hands and lips connected and exchanging the air they breathed. Hoseok leaned back, still cupping his face and looked at him with an intensity that made him swallow.

“Look me in the eyes right now,” Hoseok breathed out and inhaled deeply. “Look at me and promise me that you won’t come when I’m with him.”

_

Hyungwon's eyes passed over the office tables and drawers that looked like they had never been in any other state, perfectly cleaned and arranged the way they had been before. Even the mouse cable that Hyungwon had accidentally broken in his attempts to find a key had been successfully replaced after a brief trip to the basement. One might have thought he had imagined everything that happened the day before.

_But you still have the scratches to show for it._

Smiling at the delicious tagliatelle in front of him, Hyungwon successfully hid his face behind his screen to make sure that Hoseok couldn't tell how embarrassingly happy he was that the older man brought back two portions.

_It feels like ages since he asked you to go with him back then._

Of course his concerns weren't erased like stains on a freshly painted wall. Rather it was lemon juice on a sheet of paper, invisible unless one looked at it the right way. His eyes kept stealing glances at Hoseok's broad body and handsome face. The older man was occupied with eating his lunch and typing something on his keyboard.

"Thank you," he murmured until he remembered that he had already said thank you, literally a few minutes ago.

“Not a problem, really. I hope that you like the same food as me because they didn’t have the one you ordered last time.” Hoseok rolled to the side with his chair and smiled at him, chewing cheerfully. His chest felt like it could handle so much more air when he saw one of those very rare smiles, especially if it was directed towards him.

_He's beautiful._

“Ah you’re back. I was wondering,” Matteo’s voice suddenly sounded from the doorframe and Hoseok immediately turned, smile exchanged for something that looked pretty but was definitely not. First he thought that it must’ve been wishful thinking, but the difference was overwhelming if one looked closer.

_Can Matteo see it too?_

Hyungwon inserted another fork full of tagliatelle into his mouth realizing that his boss hadn't knocked even though he usually did. Maybe something was urgent or he didn't feel the need when it was about Hoseok.

“Mhm, I’m back and it went really well. How have you been?” Hoseok leaned back in his chair and turned towards their boss, spreading his legs and tilting his head. It was strange to watch.

“Okay. I was wondering where you’ve been because you didn’t answer any messages and it has been messy over here.” Suddenly Matteo looked at him and narrowed his gaze. “Have you found out the stuff for the person that was here with me? He needs it soon. Shouldn’t you be able to do it by now? It’s rather embarrassing if I can’t rely on the people working for me. Maybe I should ask Flavio next time.”

Hyungwon swallowed and even though he really didn't want to show any reaction, he wasn't able to. Their boss had never been like this to him, not even once. Sure, the other employees joked around, called him ugly and what not, but Matteo had never doubted his skills before and he had already sent a brief location report two days ago.

_You also know that he asked Flavio before coming to you._

"I-" he started to stop showing how much the words affected him and pushed his plate to the side. "I already sent you a brief report and I am trying to get a more narrowed down location right now. I'm sorry if it's not fast enough. I'll do my best to be more efficient."

“You should’ve just come in and told me about it, you know how many emails I get every day, but I guess you have other things to do.”

Suddenly Hoseok rolled closer to the door with his chair and simply pushed their boss out of the office with his broad chest, closing the door, but again not completely.

“Are you stressed? I’m sorry that I was gone, but I had some family matters to take care of. I didn’t tell anybody, I’m sorry. You must have been worried about me. Would you… like to go out for drinks today? I missed you.” Hoseok’s voice sounded different, but Matteo didn’t seem to care much, murmuring something in reply that he couldn’t decipher as he saw a hand wrap around Hoseok’s waist, visible in the door crack.

_He doesn't know how to touch him right._

“Don’t worry. You must be pretty stressed. Have

a coffee and let’s talk later.” A few muffled sounds followed before Hoseok entered the office, shutting the door and letting himself fall on the office chair, eyes focused on the tagliatelle that he seemed to judge as his worst enemy.

_What did Matteo tell him?_

Hyungwon didn't know what to say at first, overwhelmed by his boss' hostile behavior towards him and Hoseok's quick response. He felt like an uninvited observer, but this time it wasn't sex or playful flirting.

_This time it's the height of his pretense which is in direct contrast to how he acts around you._

There was no way for their boss to know what was going on between them, but the change in gaze that he had seen on Matteo's face was difficult to explain otherwise.

"I can't believe that you remember what I ate back then," he remarked instead of commenting on what happened. He hoped that it would take some of the tension from Hoseok's eyebrows.

"I have a pretty good memory. It's good for searching for bugs in the code, but kind of terrible for everything else." Leaning over his plate, Hoseok stuffed his mouth with pasta even though he didn't look particularly hungry after he returned to the office after the talk with Matteo. "I'm sorry," the low voice whispered.

_He doesn't mean his memory, does he?_

"Why would you be sorry? I don't blame him. He must be having a shitty time with his boyfriend being paranoid and his lover disappearing for a whole week." Hyungwon glanced at Hoseok's face again and the way he distracted himself with eating before he returned his attention to his own half-finished plate. The atmosphere had shifted after Matteo's involvement. "What did he tell you?"

"That I should've choked Flavio with the mouse cable when I had the chance," Hoseok murmured, but that couldn't have been it. "Mostly about the things he doesn't like currently, but he'll be okay tomorrow, I guess. You should definitely blame him though, it's not your fault."

_Flavio must have done something to anger him, something that concerns you._

"Well, it is my fault that I'm handsome." He grinned in an attempt to cheer Hoseok up as he removed his glasses before tugging at his shirt to make it more tight on his chest and reveal his collarbones. "If I do this."

The disadvantage was that the older man turned into a blurry mess of colors and it was probably embarrassing that Hyungwon still felt attracted to it.

"You are gorgeous even when you're lying on my prison bed with a swollen face and swollen lips and a mess on your head," Hoseok mouthed into his tagliatelle, but loud enough for him to hear, before the handsome man lifted his gaze and kept it on his face. Probably his face. "It's the usual. He needs some reassurance, but I guess he needs it because he really wants to dump him."

Hyungwon let go of his shirt and placed his glasses back on his nose, thankful that he was able to see Hoseok with all his curves and edges. Luckily, he wasn't somebody to blush easily unless he was aroused, so he simply pretended that Hoseok didn't just admit to watching him sleep on his bed in the morning.

"Doesn't speak for that boyfriend of his if he wants to get rid of him so badly." He knew that the topic was sensitive, so he spoke quietly. "I gave them the info that it was bought from within Milan and used the fact that you used different locations in the beginning to confuse them about the district. Technically it's all the truth."

"You know that I don't expect your help with this, right? You don't need to cover for me." Hoseok pushed his plate away and leaned back in his chair, looking at him through the space between the screen and the desk. "I hope he leaves you alone."

Hyungwon didn't know what got into him, maybe it was Hoseok's gaze in combination with the words.

"And you know that…" he began and simply climbed on top of the desk before turning Hoseok's screen to the side. It gave him just enough space to crawl past it and lean forward to leave a hot kiss on Hoseok's lips that still tasted like Salmon tagliatelle before leaning back. "That every second you're still in this office sitting right there is a win for me?" he finished before moving back, fixing the screen and sitting down on his office chair as if nothing had happened while his heart hammered in his chest.

_There's a difference between doing this at night and doing this a few seconds after your boss left through that door._

"After all that you've told me about wanting a stable job, you crawling over both desks to kiss your 'Boss' lover' as you like to call me, is not the most rational thing to do, you know that, right?" Hoseok licked his lips a few times and he was sure that it wasn't because of how delicious the food was. "Especially after he's concerned that you have the hots for me."

_So that's it, but how does he know? Were you being obvious?_

"Surprising, considering that my sexuality has been a hot topic of debate ever since I came here." Hyungwon licked over his lips too, hoping to taste Hoseok and feeling disappointed. "But he's not wrong."

"I think I will need to have a talk with Flavio. I guess he's mad because you have skills. The classic. And I think he might be sad because I choked him a tiny bit. He can't shut the fuck up, I apparently didn't choke him enough to stop."

_Holy shit._

Hyungwon had seen the way Hoseok treated Flavio, followed by a sudden and unexpected espresso, but hearing it worded that way reminded him why he had considered Hoseok scary before.

_Because he's not afraid to use violence._

"You told me that I should find a different company in the long run. I'm still desperate, so maybe you could hurry up and make one." He made it sound like a joke, but Hoseok could probably tell that there was a hint of truth to it.

"I would do so many things in a parallel universe. I'll try to get you the contact info I told you about. You are definitely too good for this place. You're too good for every single place I know to be honest." A brief smile was his reward because it was the kind one could only see on Hoseok's face if something nice happened.

"Which is why you should create one," he whispered and sucked his lips into his mouth, chewing on them as he couldn't look away from the expression on Hoseok's face. Hyungwon wasn't stupid, he knew that making a company was probably difficult, needed shitloads of money and an original idea. But somehow Hoseok seemed to be capable of all of those things and more.

_If only he could see it too._

"You should create one." The handsome man smiled at him from under the screen and took the USB that he had gotten from Roberto before connecting it to his PC.

_Because he's too busy trying to let a man ruin his life for the second time._

"You'll like it," he commented, too weak to hide information from Hoseok even though it might have extended the whole process. That also meant that it would have extended the torture Hoseok put himself through. "It has every transaction concerning the company and he's not a very careful fellow. I swear half of that is questionable."

"All of it is shady, but I know about the transactions. I'm going to borrow this for today," Hoseok commented and chewed on his lips, typing and clicking without losing focus.

Hyungwon watched him at first, letting the minutes pass as he tried to think of a way to return that same focus to something that created a genuine smile on Hoseok's face, the excitement that the older man had shared with him when he showed him his original idea brought to life.

_He said that you should create a place that is good enough for you._

The problem was that Hyungwon didn't want it if it didn't have Hoseok.

_

The book lamp was perfect to illuminate his fingers and keep his eyes from getting any worse as he stared at the bright screen. The problem was that he didn't need darkness to feel like the code kept blurring into an unidentifiable string of signs and symbols.

Hyungwon had returned to the office around 9 p.m., but the later it got, the less he was able to focus on the program he was trying to test and improve. It was his secret project, his implementation of Hoseok's original identification verification software that the older man had wanted to patent back then.

_You have to make it perfect._

Most of his nights had been dedicated to testing the software and finding bugs and inconsistencies. The fact that he kept finding fewer and fewer meant that he was getting closer to a final version that he might have considered good enough for a real trial.

_But now it's getting difficult to focus._

Hyungwon wasn't struggling because of how late it was, that didn't matter to him. Getting locked in the office wasn't going to keep him from perfecting the one thing that had still been able to pull a reaction from Hoseok, fascination and a hint of enthusiasm that the older man instantly concealed. There was no way that Hyungwon could give up on something that had that effect.

_It doesn't matter how late it is or how little sleep you get._

Rather it was the fact that he knew exactly what Hoseok had planned for the evening. He knew that the older man was going to go for drinks with Matteo, only to return to the office to bask in each other's bodies until both of them reached climax. There was nothing particularly new about that information since it had happened often enough, but still Hyungwon's hands struggled to click on the right keys when he thought about it.

_Because he told you not to go and watch._

Hyungwon shouldn't have been there at all, especially since he knew what was going to happen. Usually sounds and what not didn't matter to him for as long as he had a goal, but since it was about Hoseok things had changed.

His concentration broke completely when he heard muffled voices and Matteo's cheerful voice as the guy pulled Hoseok through the hallway towards the office. Hyungwon didn't need to see it to know what would happen. His boss was going to smile and keep flirting before sinking between Hoseok's legs to get him in the mood and eventually bend over the desk to feel him inside of himself.

_You were hoping for something similar, weren't you?_

Hyungwon shouldn't have, especially since Hoseok asked him not to be there. But still he had taken a thorough shower before coming and even his clothes revealed that it wasn't a typical day. Basically he was doing a shit job at deceiving anybody, no matter if it was somebody else or himself.

_You want him, you want him to be with you instead._

It didn't matter if Hoseok didn't feel anything while being with Matteo. Hyungwon didn't want him to force himself and simply drown in him instead, bask in the touches and the way he could make him feel with his body.

A gasp left his lips at the images and he quickly covered his lips with his palm, eyes wide because it hadn't been breathy as usual. He must have been too lost in his thoughts, lost enough to miss the moans that echoed through the office complex.

_Someone must be feeling good._

This was usually the point at which Hyungwon decided to go and watch, to observe the way Hoseok struggled to desire the man he was with, but immediately want Hyungwon as soon as their eyes met.

_But why is this so difficult for you, because you want him to look at you that way?_

It seemed like it and Hyungwon groaned before turning off his computer since there was no way he could achieve anything useful while listening to another person's sounds of pleasure. Some of them were Hoseok's and he couldn't bear it.

_What if he's feeling good and and it's not because you are on his mind?_

The thought drove him mad, the mere possibility that something had changed and Hoseok was enjoying the way Matteo felt from the inside, the way his olive skin felt under his delicate hands and the way he was begged to go faster. How could Hyungwon be sure if he didn't see it? There was no way without Hoseok's eyes on him, with all of that attention focused on his body instead of his boss on the desk.

_What if keeping you away allows him to grow fond of it and stop wanting to be close to you?_

The image alone was unbearable and Hyungwon threw himself deeper into his office chair while listening to moans and rough breaths, hands travelling over his chest and playing with his nipples through the fabric of his black button down. He had put in effort into his clothes, hoping to impress as soon as Hoseok was done.

_But listening is driving you mad._

He tried to imagine Hoseok's gaze on him, the way the older man's moans got louder as soon as he showed more of himself and revealed how aroused he was by imagining that Hoseok was touching him instead. His skinny jeans got even tighter and he stroked over his groin, holding his breath to keep quiet as he imagined Hoseok's muscles contracting, his lips telling him to touch himself. Hyungwon listened, opening his jeans and tugging them down as he spread his legs and arranged them on the armrests of his chair.

His breaths got rougher and he played with himself while listening intently to hear Hoseok, to focus on those moans instead of anything else. He wanted to be the one to cause them, to intensify them and make them explode against his lips or neck as Hoseok released himself inside his body.

His hand accompanied his thoughts, stroking over his length before travelling lower and rubbing over his entrance as he imagined Hoseok doing the same, playing with him as he couldn't wait to be inside of him. He could picture it so well, the way fingers slipped inside of him to get him ready as Hoseok exhaled against his lips because he couldn't bear to wait. It felt good and Hyungwon spread his own digits a little, sending sparks through his body.

_You want it to be him._

He dared to moan softly, but as soon as his thoughts were interrupted by intense begging, his eyes flew open, doubts returning as if they had never been there.

_How can you be so sure that he's thinking of you too? It sounds like they are feeling so much._

His hands were shaking as he removed his fingers from his body and closed his jeans, breathing heavily as he stood up from his chair and gave himself a few seconds to make a decision.

_You can't let him think of anybody but you, you can't._

A glance at his reflection in the black computer monitor revealed bright blush on his cheeks, blood red lips and still styled hair. There were no glasses on his nose because he wore contacts and he barely recognized himself.

_This was you back then._

He opened the first few buttons of his black shirt to reveal his collarbones and made his way out of the office, following the constant moans and the sound of skin slapping against skin.

_What if he won't even look in your direction?_

It was what Hyungwon feared, but he couldn't bear not knowing either. He needed to see if Hoseok thought of him, if he still wanted him despite being with somebody else for revenge.

His teeth settled on his bottom lip when he finally reached the doorframe, door open as every other time. Somehow he had imagined Hoseok taking an additional precaution, but then the sounds couldn't have been that loud, making him burn from the inside and want to have those black eyes for himself.

_You have to make him want you, you can't let him go._

Holding his breath, Hyungwon rested his body against the doorframe and finally turned to let the scene sink in.

Hoseok's silk shirt was unbuttoned, loosely hanging on his muscular shoulders and revealed his gorgeous defined abdomen that flexed with every motion of his hips. Matteo was bent over his desk and held onto the edge, rubbing his cheek against the surface and moaning loudly. It seemed as if the other man was dizzy from the way Hoseok made him feel. A glance at the handsome face revealed closed eyes and parted lips. Sometimes the black eyes opened and stared at the ceiling before closing again. The muscular body was moving roughly, making Matteo moan and curve his spine, push against the thrusts and beg for more.

_It must feel so good._

Hyungwon chewed on his bottom lip and made sure to only breathe whenever one of the men in front of him moaned or exhaled roughly. Hoseok looked beautiful and the fact that the gorgeous man basked in his mental images instead of what was in front of him gave him a hint of reassurance.

_But you want him to look at you, you want to see if it is you he's thinking of._

Just when he inhaled carefully, the black eyes wandered over the wall, along the doorframe and finally him, widening and hips stuttering briefly. Hyungwon wasn't able to contain a gasp that was dangerously close to making a sound and lifted his palm to his mouth, covering it in fear that Matteo had heard.

But it seemed like the two of them were caught in their own world, one where only Hoseok had heard him as those black eyes remained focused on him, passing over his uncovered chest, the tight jeans that hugged his legs and finally his face again that looked so different without glasses.

_He still wants you, doesn't he?_

Hyungwon was almost shaking from how much he wanted to be the one whose hips Hoseok held onto while alternating rough and smooth thrusts. He wanted to be the one screaming and begging for more knowing that Hoseok wouldn't close his eyes because he knew there would be too much to miss.

Wrapping his hands tighter around Matteo’s hips, Hoseok stared at him before slamming his hips into the other man’s body and making him scream.

Hyungwon's lips parted instantly and he whimpered behind his hand, eyes fluttering shut for a few seconds because he knew exactly that it was for him. Hoseok was showing him how he could make him feel and the sight alone was making it difficult to breathe. He could feel himself contracting around nothing after playing with himself on the office chair and pressed his body flush against the door frame to feel more and to not lose his mind. He wanted to scream at Hoseok to come to him instead, if he wanted him so much, but he didn't, containing his moans by covering his lips with his palm and shaking from arousal.

Hoseok roamed Matteo’s back, moaning and rolling his hips in a smooth motion without looking away for a single moment. The muscular body moved quick and Hoseok’s intense gaze met his once again before the other man lifted his hand and slapped his boss’ ass.

_He's provoking you. Is that the punishment for coming even though he told you not to?_

Hyungwon moaned again, but this time he didn't contain the sound completely. He wanted to show Hoseok what effect he had on him, that his mind was full of images of being filled out in the same way and having Hoseok roam over his body with his hot hands. His jeans were so tight that it almost hurt and he couldn't bear watching without feeling anything anymore.

_He's driving you mad without even touching you._

Slipping his index and middle finger into his mouth, he coated them with his tongue, before reaching behind himself and squeezing his hand into his jeans and underwear. His eyes shut instantly and he held his breath to not make too much noise as he slipped part of both digits inside himself, as well as he could, imagining that it was Hoseok making him feel this way.

"Fuck," he hissed, thankful that it wasn't loud enough to compete against Matteo's moans as he dared to look at Hoseok again.

The expression on the handsome face was not familiar, but it pulled and unraveled his arousal so easily. It was rough and raw, accompanied by the tight grip of the delicate fingers that dug into Matteo’s skin. Jumping from his neck to his fingers, Hoseok waited until he looked right into his eyes before he mouthed ‘run’.

“I’m close,” Hoseok hissed at Matteo and rolled his hips, but it couldn’t have been the truth, not after he had seen the stutter in the other man’s motions and the black eyes that couldn't help but return to his body and his eyes. How dangerous Hoseok looked, how his hands shook because he wanted to touch him. Hyungwon could feel it, could smell it.

His body trembled from the sight, but he remained in place, back flush against the doorframe and fingers adding a spark of pleasure each time that Hoseok's hips thrust forward. Hyungwon couldn't run, not when Hoseok looked at him that way.

_As if he only needs a little push to make you scream._

He observed Hoseok attentively, how the black eyes glanced away, how the older man moaned but it didn’t sound right, how he got louder and buried himself in the body of somebody else. That couldn’t have been it, not when he saw the black eyes, still full of arousal and Hoseok discard the condom and pull up his pants being completely hard.

_He pretended, he just faked it for it to be over._

Hyungwon's eyes widened and suddenly the words 'run' had a different meaning as Matteo lifted himself away from the desk. He had exactly two seconds during which he hurriedly stepped out of the dimmed light and hid in the dark hallway, breathing heavily.

_Did he do it for you? To come to you?_

Hyungwon didn't know, but he grabbed several tissues from the bathroom, wiping his fingers with one of them, before entering his office and throwing the fresh ones on his desk. He couldn't remember ever feeling this way, shaking from arousal and anticipation without even knowing if his expectations were going to be fulfilled.

_He still wants you. He must have faked it because he wants you._

Leaning against the wall next to the door, he held his breath and listened to the sounds in the hallway as the book lamp on his table threw shadows on the walls.

***

It could’ve been okay. He could’ve lived through it with his imagination, with the few images that he had kept for himself for situations like these. It was Hyungwon. Of course it was, he hadn’t been close to anybody for two years and the only person he touched apart from Matteo was the gorgeous tall man who stood in the doorframe even though Hoseok had warned him.

_You told him not to come and instead he just did, touching himself and looking at you like that._

He was mad. Mad and aroused, unable to think clearly, hands shaking to pull out and go into the dark hallway because he wanted the person who stood there, making him go mad.

_On purpose. He did it on purpose even though you told him not to._

Never in his life had Hoseok pretended to come. Orgasm-faking was something he had never thought of doing, not even with Matteo, not even when he didn’t want to have sex, but apparently Hyungwon pulled the best out of him.

_You just pretended to come, Hoseok. How bad can it be?_

He was shaking, smiling and letting Matteo kiss him. An action that would usually result in nausea simply made him angry. Angry because Hyungwon didn't listen. Because seing the gorgeous person standing in the doorframe and watching him fuck reminded him of what he wanted and that he apparently wanted something more than being successful with his plan.

_Namely him._

Matteo didn’t even orgasm and he had already sent him away. Thankfully, he had showed the USB stick to the other man beforehand, explaining to him why Roberto was a fucking criminal.

_Just in time before Hyungwon decided to demonstrate that you're easy._

_You are. Look at yourself._

Inhaling sharply he walked towards their office and pressed down on the handle, looking around and recognizing Hyungwon’s gorgeous body leaning against the wall next to the door.

_Fuck._

“You,” he hissed and came so close that he could feel the warm exhale against his lips. “I told you not to come. What did you not get about that?”

Hyungwon's palms were flat against the wall and those brown eyes widened instantly, as if the boy hadn't expected him to appear this quickly, catching him off guard as he tried to calm his breathing. Hoseok didn't even need to look to feel each ragged breath that left the boy's slim chest. A few buttons were undone and revealed delicate collar bones and blush that spread all the way towards the long neck.

_He's driving you insane._

"I- tried," Hyungwon replied eventually and nibbled on his blood red bottom lip. He looked gorgeous with bright blush on his face, hair styled messily and no glasses. It seemed as if the other man was shaking despite his attempts to stay still. "It didn't work."

“You… tried?” He inhaled sharply and pressed Hyungwon against the wall with his chest, gasping at how fucking good it felt. Why did he have to feel this way? Why did Hyungwon’s quiet moan make him twitch and why did it feel better than having sex with another person? It was ridiculous. “There was a reason for telling you not to come, but you still appear and make me go fucking mad, fuck.”

_You want him so badly._

Hyungwon's lips parted in a soft whimper when he stepped closer, followed by a quiet curse as if the boy didn't mean to be that obvious. Hoseok didn't need to listen to know, to feel the urgency of the boy's shifts and the same yearning he had seen while moving inside another man.

"I thought I was going to go mad without your eyes on me," Hyungwon whispered, keeping his lips parted and still trembling as if he was holding himself back from doing something. "Without you looking at me exactly… the way you are now. Fuck, Hoseok-"

“Fuck, Hoseok… what?” he hissed and rolled his hips into the slim body, hands trembling at how aroused he was, how much he wanted the tall boy, how hard it was to speak, how close he had been to fuck up and leave Matteo on the fucking desk and do what he actually wanted to do. “Is it fun to watch how I’m about to lose it? I’m going mad, fuck.” He slipped both hands under the fabric of Hyungwon’s shirt, roaming the hot skin and cursing at how his body burned so much that it almost hurt.

At first he thought that he imagined it, a moan that sounded loud and clear in his ears, low and breathy as Hyungwon threw his head back to rub it against the wall and gasp for air. The boy's hands travelled up to wrap around his neck, tugging at his hair as another moan sounded, only because his fingers brushed over Hyungwon’s small nipples.

"Fuck-" the gorgeous man hissed before tightening his grip around his neck and using the leverage to wrap both of his long legs around his hips, brushing their groins against each other. "You're the one doing all those things to him that I want you to do to me, making him scream the way you should be making me scream. I'm going insane imagining it while somebody else can feel it."

The words were hard to bear without having his hands all over Hyungwon’s body, without making the gorgeous person feel how aroused he was. “I don’t care that he can feel it because I can’t. Because I want you, just you, you and nobody else. Fuck, I can’t think about anything else. You pull on every string there is and I still want you. You say that you want what he gets? Then take me. You can have it all.”

Hyungwon's hands trembled before tightening in his hair and tugging just enough to allow the black-haired boy to attach his lips to his neck, nibbling along it until another needy moan left his lips and he stared at him instead, breathing heavily. Hoseok could see arousal in Hyungwon's eyes, the way almost no brown color was left around the pupil and how tightly the boy's legs held onto his hips, pressing into his own.

"I'll make you mine," Hyungwon whispered against his lips before Hoseok felt the boy's hot mouth against his, fingers tilting his head back with one hand while the other tugged at the buttons of his shirt until they ripped off the fabric. The ringing of plastic against wooden floors surrounded them as Hyungwon refused to stop kissing him and let desperate moans disappear between their lips. "Fuck me and make me scream, Hoseok."

_Fuck._

The words made him groan and he forgot about the careful touches they shared, about emotional kisses and tears, he only felt the burning body of the only person he wanted that fit right into his hands and that trembled against his fingertips because they wanted each other. So much that it wasn’t bearable anymore.

_You can't say no._

He moved away from the wall and wiped the surface of Hyungwon’s desk, swiping the stationary onto the carpet as he put the other man on top and pulled the black shirt off the slim body, lips immediately attaching to the small nipples and nails scratching over the burning skin.

Soft curses sounded first before Hyungwon moaned and rubbed his hair over the desk, hands instantly scratching over his shoulders and urging him on, showing him how much the black-haired boy loved every single touch but wanted more. One hand slipped between them and tugged once to rip off the remaining buttons and be able to pull his shirt down his shoulders. Hot hands instantly began to roam over his back, accompanied by repeated whispers of his name.

Suddenly, Hyungwon's legs tightened around his hips and pulled, enough for him to lean forward and block his fall with his right arm that landed next to Hyungwon's gorgeous face. The boy was nibbling on his lips while pulling his hips closer and narrowed his lean thighs around him.

"Let me feel you," Hyungwon gasped and scratched over his chest and abdomen before tugging at his jeans with impatient fingers.

He had a hard time taking his own clothes off, hands busy touching Hyungwon and opening his jeans to pull them down his long legs. If he was honest, it was hard to breathe between the quick inhales and his attempts to taste every bit of Hyungwon's thighs, the soft skin of his groin. “I want you. I want to taste you and I want to feel you in every way possible, I’m going crazy, fuck.” He dipped his head between Hyungwon’s legs and sucked on the smooth skin on his butt cheeks before licking between them and twitching against his jeans.

"Rim me," Hyungwon moaned suddenly and arranged the slim legs on top of his broad shoulders, pulling him closer as the black-haired boy held onto the edge of the desk. Hyungwon was lifting up his thighs closer to his chest to give him more access while sounding beautifully breathless. "I want you to."

He groaned again, unable to help it and wrapped his fingers around the firm thighs and leaned forward to tease the pretty entrance with his tongue. His sharp exhales made Hyungwon contract and he teased for another few seconds before pushing his tongue into the tight body.

"Fuck yes-" Hyungwon hissed and trembled right after, attempting to move his hips against his lips and feel more of him. "I thought I was going mad when my body kept clenching around nothing when it should have been you. Shit, give me more, Hoseok."

After fucking the boy with his tongue and feeling the arousing contractions around it, he pulled back and spread the lean legs. “I want you to clench around me,” he whispered, circling the tight entrance with the tip of his finger. He had no idea why he was still wearing his jeans. “How much prep do you need?” He glanced at the lube on the table, wondering if Hyungwon has been having fun by himself.

"Just use lube, I'll relax," was his reply as Hyungwon's erection lifted off his stomach in a twitch, as if anticipation was sufficient for the boy to react like that. Hyungwon's hands reached out and curled around his muscular thighs, digging into them a little as the boy tried to pull him closer. "Shit, don't make me beg."

“Are you sure?” He opened the button of his jeans and pulled them down, wrapping one hand around his dick and stroking it slowly.

"Watch," Hyungwon breathed out and grabbed the lube next to him, pouring some on three fingers of his hand before throwing the bottle back and lying down on the desk. Hoseok could see the boy's body relax, beginning with his abdomen and continuing with the lean thighs that spread right in front of him. Hyungwon's ankles were still on his shoulders, toes curling briefly. Big eyes fluttered shut as the boy reached between his legs and rubbed the three digits over his entrance. A few seconds were enough before the whole body relaxed again and Hoseok observed Hyungwon's long fingers disappear inside his body.

A moan sounded through the office as the black-haired boy opened his eyes again and met his gaze. As if to prove his point, Hyungwon spread his fingers before clenching around them right after.

"Fuck me, Hoseok."

Hyungwon must have seen the way he twitched in his hand, how quickly he breathed when he rolled the condom over his length and how needy he was when he leaned over the gorgeous body, attaching his lips to the small dark nipples, nibbling along Hyungwon’s neck before catching his swollen lips in a kiss that felt like it pulled even more on the arousal between his legs. “I want you. I want you so much,” he whispered and rubbed his lubed tip against the clenching muscle.

The sensation in combination with the previous kiss must have cracked the little bit of calm that Hyungwon had been holding onto. "Please," the black-haired boy begged suddenly and scratched over his back while lifting his legs and urging Hoseok to bend him in half for their lips to meet. The impatient moans and tugs at his shoulders to move were driving him insane. "Please fill me up."

He exhaled, pushing himself into the tight body and leaned in to kiss Hyungwon's lips. His length slipped further and he cursed, skin tingling and goosebumps spreading all over. It was not how he remembered it and if he didn't have Hyungwon's face to be distracted by, the way it felt would've scared him because it was just like feeling alive.

Hyungwon's mouth was open as he moaned, body relaxing to let him in as those brown eyes kept looking at him, making him feel so much more than he dared to. Suddenly he felt the boy contract around him and pulled a loud groan from his lips, body holding onto him and refusing to let go, breaths ragged. Hyungwon's thighs spread further apart and pressed tight against the boy's chest to allow him to lean closer, to kiss the pump mouth while their bodies remained connected.

"Why does it feel like you've got me?" he whispered and waited until Hyungwon relaxed again to move a bit further, moaning at every single sensation. It seemed too intense compared to what he felt just half an hour ago.

_It feels like it because he does._

"Because I'm making you mine," Hyungwon breathed out and grabbed a fistful of his hair, pulling him close enough to kiss right before the boy moaned against his lips and threw his head back, probably because the angle got to him. "While you're burning me up from the inside. Fuck me."

The pull on his hair made him dizzy accompanied by the clenching around his base when he buried himself in Hyungwon's hot body. A few inhales were enough to pull back and roll his hips with a groan.

The sounds Hyungwon was making were otherworldly, echoing through the office and accompanied by another tug on his hair. Those big eyes fluttered shut and Hoseok could see the signs of instant pleasure that his motions created, the open mouth and desperate attempts to wet his lips in between moans. Hyungwon's thighs spread wide as the black-haired boy tried to wrap his legs around him and pull him closer, failing because of the angle that made his slim body tremble and added to the pressure around his length.

"Take me," Hyungwon gasped suddenly and tugged at his hair again, "do me the way you imagined it while being with him."

"I- couldn't imagine it while being with him," he admitted and rolled his hips again. He wanted more. More of the sounds, more of Hyungwon's gorgeous moans, more scratches on his back and more tugs on his hair. More. More of Hyungwon. "I want more of you."

"Then grab my legs and make me scream." Hyungwon tugged at his hair one last time, leaning in to lick into his mouth before the boy dropped back onto the desktop. Long fingers roamed over his chest first before reaching above Hyungwon's head and holding onto the desk, knuckles turning white from the effort. Those brown eyes seemed attentive, but a second glance showed pure anticipation and desire that spread from the blushed cheeks to the way Hyungwon's ribs showed each time he inhaled deeply. "I want to have so much of you that I can see it, feel it with my palm if I want to."

Hoseok wrapped his fingers around the slim ankles and spread Hyungwon's legs, watching the pretty leaking erection and the goosebumps that covered the warm skin that looked golden in the light of the book lamp. Using the grip to pull the attractive body lower, Hoseok rolled his hips, testing out how far he could go, how much pressure he could put into every motion and how much Hyungwon liked it.

"Shit-" the gorgeous boy hissed and squeezed his eyes shut, containing his response by holding his breath until he gave up and moaned loudly. Hoseok could tell it felt good judging from the tensing abdominal muscles, the contractions around him and the way Hyungwon's length lifted off his stomach when he pushed deeper. "Please- just like that. Give me all of it," Hyungwon begged and pushed his round behind flush against his thighs.

Hoseok loved the way it felt, how Hyungwon looked at him with his eyes open, how he pushed his hips down, meeting every thrust. Adjusting the angle, he took Hyungwon's palm and placed it on the boy's lower stomach, before rolling his hips smoothly, hitting upwards.

Hyungwon's eyes widened, followed by a loud moan and a tremble that coursed through the boy's long legs. The sight was gorgeous as Hyungwon bit his bottom lip and waited for him to do it again. The plump mouth was begging silently without saying the words while Hyungwon urged him on by contracting around him repeatedly.

"How does it feel?" the black-haired boy asked and stroked over his own stomach, past his length before caressing the skin above Hoseok's base.

How did it feel? It felt overwhelming and intense, as if fireworks were exploding behind his eyelids, as if every spark of pleasure grew and pulled at his lower stomach, forcing him to move. It felt like they were one, moving like one body, connected and breathing in the same way, feeling the same way, bleeding in the same way. It felt like he didn't need anything else, as if it was enough. As if feeling alive was all that he needed and that feeling… Hyungwon could provide it.

_You feel like he's the only one you need._

"You feel amazing," he whispered and stroked over Hyungwon's lean thigh before rolling his hips again. "I don't want it to stop, so I'm pulling back and keep wanting more." He smiled and leaned forward, sucking the erect bud into his mouth and burying himself deep in Hyungwon's body. "How does it feel?"

The black-haired boy smiled too even though Hoseok's thrust and lips pulled another moan from his throat. Reaching out, Hyungwon wrapped his fingers around his wrist and pulled it towards his abdomen, pressing down and letting him feel himself through the boy's smooth skin.

"Complete," Hyungwon whispered before letting himself fall back and pushing down with his hips, pulling a groan from both of them. The urgency and arousal was still there and clouding both of their minds, but Hyungwon was stretching it into a thin line before returning it full force with a motion of his body. "And now I want you to make me scream. Be rougher with me."

Maybe it was the position that enabled him to look into the brown eyes, or it was the fact that they reflected his arousal like a mirror. Whatever it was, he nodded without saying a single word and started moving, feeling sure that this was what Hyungwon wanted, that it wasn't about Hoseok and his arousal, the way he felt and what he wanted. This time it was clear that it was about them. That they made each other feel the same way, breathless and loud, rough and at the same time longing to be even closer.

The sound of their skin meeting in rough thrusts was interspersed with Hyungwon pleading and begging for more. His groans and hisses were accompanied by the barely audible sound of nails travelling along his shoulders and chest and leaving red lines. They breathed the scent of sex, of their rapid exhales, of Hyungwon's neck when he leaned down and sunk his teeth into it. He felt the tight warm body contract around him, a few seconds before he buried himself as far as he could, holding onto the beautiful person in his arms as if he expected all of it to crumble as soon as he opened his eyes.

_Because life is not like this. Because it doesn't feel like this. It just hurts._

He removed his wet bangs from his forehead and pressed his ear to Hyungwon's chest, listening to the quick heartbeat that was not nearly as quick as his own. Still, the pace calmed him down, giving him the hope that they might have felt the same, even though it should've just been sex.

_His heartbeat sounds pretty._

Hyungwon's fingers were tender as they passed over the red lines that his nails left moments ago, brushed over his sweaty forehead and sank into his hair. Fingertips massaged his scalp as his head kept rising and falling with each of Hyungwon's breaths. The boy's other hand roamed over his back and arms, tracing each line as if to memorize it. The sex was over but still Hyungwon kept making him feel.

"Would it be a shitty, unnecessary thing to say, if I told you that you're gorgeous?" he asked and lifted his head, smile playing around his lips as he looked at the handsome face.

"I thought of saying the same about you but worried you might consider it too cliché," Hyungwon replied and chuckled softly, mirroring his smile. The black-haired boy had his head on top of a keyboard but didn't seem to mind as he kept raking through his hair.

"Good thing that I have a shower at the place I’m staying at, it feels luxurious," he commented and placed kisses on top of Hyungwon's blush-covered chest. "Can you tell me how it could happen that you found out where I live, while I have no idea where your place is? It's kind of suspicious now that I think about it."

Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth, a hint that he wasn't prepared for the question. "You weren't desperate enough to follow me home, whereas I was."

"Desperate? Oh, I'm always desperate with you. I think you're the only person who makes me desperate just by looking at me. I just didn't want to invade more parts of your life than I already have. Is it bad?" he asked and took Hyungwon's body from the desk, careful not to slip out before he lay on the carpet and had the gorgeous man sitting on top of him.

Hyungwon moved his hips, just a bit like he couldn't help it and chewed on his bottom lip in the meantime to pretend that it didn't have an effect on him.

"The only bad thing is that you keep thinking I don't want you to invade more parts of my life, whereas I want you to become a part of me." Hyungwon leaned in and kissed his lips before moving further back than he had before and feeling more of him even though his arousal was fading away slowly.

_He doesn't let it. And he doesn't understand how scary it is to become one with somebody if you plan to leave._

Hoseok hissed at the feeling and wrapped his hands around Hyungwon's hips, glancing at the big eyes that he couldn't get used to. Hyungwon looked so different when he didn't wear glasses.

"I think that you are scary." Hoseok stroked down the lean thighs before travelling back to wrap his fingers around Hyungwon's narrow waist. "You are but I still want you more."

A smile blossomed on the boy's lips. "Says the man who wanted to choke someone for wanting to benefit from how tight my lips can be."

_So, he heard it._

As if Hyungwon could tell the spark of anger that returned as soon as Hoseok remembered Flavio's words, the boy's hips lifted up before sinking down in a roll, distracting him from any coherent thought. "But they are yours to have anyway. He just doesn't know."

_Nothing is yours apart from revenge._

"He isn't worth a single thought of yours. But you made me so angry today. So angry and helpless," he whispered, before letting out an open mouthed moan at another hip motion that took his breath away.

"You have no idea how it felt sitting here and trying to stay away. I was listening to the sounds you made and even though-" Hyungwon rolled his hips again, moaning because his motions began to return his arousal and fill out his length, "even though they sounded nothing like this I couldn't bear the thought of you thinking of anybody but me. I needed to make sure, to know that I'm not the only one imagining it's you when I finger myself. I wanted to be him so fucking bad, bent over that desk and filled up by you. Just like this- fuck."

_He misunderstands._

"I would never want him to be you because I don't have an ulterior motive for being with you. My hands fucking shake because I want you so badly. I'm trying not to think of anybody but if it doesn't work, I think about the library or how you lay on the desk when I had you in my mouth. I can't handle him being mean to you because of me and I can't handle you watching me."

"Because it makes you want to be with me instead?" Hyungwon asked and rolled his hips in smooth circles, not enough to keep him from thinking straight but sufficient to send sparks of pleasure through his body. "I think of the library too. Of… the way you touched my hair and pulled my hand to your skin, allowing me to touch you."

"You're the only person who knows how to touch me. At least the only one that I want to be touched by."

"Then don't let anybody else touch you," Hyungwon muttered instantly and pushed his hips down, connecting their bodies and trembling briefly from the way it felt, lips parting. "Let it be me."

_Those two things have nothing in common. He doesn't understand or it hurts him._

"I hope that it won't be necessary much longer." He chewed on his lips that parted in gasps that Hyungwon pulled by moving his body just at the right moment to wipe all coherent thought from his mind. "There will be no need at some point."

"No need for someone else?" Hyungwon asked before getting a little rougher, slamming their hips together and shaking from the aftermath. The blush that had slowly faded from the boy's chest was returning and Hoseok watched Hyungwon's length fill out and brush over his stomach. "Or for this?"

"No need to let anybody else touch me," he whispered, reaching for the gorgeous thighs, stroking over them towards the lean stomach and from his solar plexus towards the long collarbones. "But then again there won't be any need for me, I guess."

Hyungwon tensed at his words, clenching around him, but this time not because of arousal. The black-haired boy placed his hands on top of his and led his right hand towards the spot where his collarbones met, heartbeat hammering against his fingertips.

"So you think that I will suddenly stop needing you?" Hyungwon asked and let his body slip down onto his lap until their thighs touched, breaths becoming ragged from the arousal that was spreading throughout both their bodies. "Just like that?"

Feeling the heartbeat against his fingertips made his skin tingle and he sat up, wrapping one arm around Hyungwon's waist and pressing his ear against the slim chest to listen.

"I don't know. Can you?"

Hyungwon didn't reply, as if the black-haired boy couldn't find the right words to say. Instead of words, Hoseok felt lean arms wrap around his shoulders and pull him close. Fingers raked through his hair and tugged briefly to have him look up before he felt Hyungwon's plump mouth against his. The sensation tugged at his chest as if there was a direct connection.

"No," Hyungwon replied, words brushing over his lips before the boy leaned back and stared at him. It felt intimate to be connected this way, be able to feel each contraction and motion of Hyungwon's body while brown eyes met his.

_You need him too, don't you? But why?_

Hoseok needed the slim arms and the reassuring kisses, the sparks in his chest and lower body that made him feel alive, made it seem as if there was something inside his chest that was worth being needed.

_Don't go there, Hoseok. Just don't._

He wrapped his arms around the round hips and shifted, gasping at the feeling of the gorgeous body around him.

"Then take me, Hyungwon," he whispered. "Take me like I belong to you."


	9. Chapter 9

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CHAPTER 9

"Tell me, what's the definition of friendship?"

Hyungwon's eyes lifted from Minhyuk's laptop screen and focused on his best friend who was lying on his bed in only a pair of pajama pants and pursed his lips. It was late, but Hyungwon didn't have the time to visit during work time, so it had to be late at night.

_Somehow that's the time you're the most active._

He fumbled in his brain for a decent definition until he settled on one that might have been enough to remove the obvious signs of dissatisfaction from Minhyuk's face.

"Mutual trust and support between two people without getting it on?" he tried while wondering if Hyunwoo trusted him with anything. It was a little difficult to tell with the medical student, especially when he was very occupied with a personal project.

_Almost like you, maybe that's why you get along._

"Have you possibly missed the 'mutual' in that definition?" Minhyuk sat up and crossed his legs before waving around the printed out version of Hoseok's prepared patent from several years ago.

"How am I not supporting you?" he asked back, a little surprised by the question. Had he neglected his best friend while trying to figure out Hoseok? To be honest, Hyungwon couldn't remember the last time they had hung out, not even on the weekend.

"Better ask how you are not trusting me. Do you even remember when we saw each other last?"

"In the library?" Hyungwon tried, because he vaguely remembered looking up books on cracking SD cards before meeting Hoseok.

"Exactly, in the library before you walked over to some hottie in a hoodie, stared him down for a few moments and then decided to suck his dick in the esoteric section. I'm not saying that's unlike you, but you haven't done that for years, Hyungwon." Minhyuk sighed in exasperation and placed the sheet of paper on the desk that Hyungwon was sitting at. His best friend still lived with his parents, so there was a lot of space to cover with PC equipment, papers and how-to instructions.

_He has a point there._

In addition, the whole encounter sounded much less meaningful from the eyes of his best friend, even if it couldn't be distinguished from all other cases in which Hyungwon had sex in the library.

_With him it's always meaningful somehow._

"I'm sorry, Minhyuk. There was so much going on and there still is, so I'm trying to make sense of it all." He sighed and brushed through his hair. It felt a little clammy, so he definitely needed to shower before popping up at work the next day.

"You mean there is a connection between you sucking off a guy that's everything you were trying to avoid for the past year and the fact that you're suddenly asking me to word a patent application?" This time Minhyuk pressed his lips into a thin line, which meant he was done with his bullshit. "Why the hell are you trying to make a patent when you just wanted to quietly survive at this company?"

_Because you're emotionally involved with somebody who might fuck it over unless you stop him for his own safety._

Hyungwon would have loved to share it, to tell Minhyuk that his new colleague was an ex-convict who had been jailed unfairly and who now planned a whole revenge endeavor which consisted of fucking his boss, buying stocks illegally and doing additional things that were going to ruin him as much as the person he was trying to fuck over in return.

_Don't forget the part about wanting to stop him because you don't want him to ruin himself when he could let it all go and do the things he's passionate about._

It was a lot to take and Hyungwon doubted that Minhyuk was going to accept all parts of the story without asking questions or trying to find out things by himself. He already knew that Minhyuk would doubt Hoseok's innocence and Hyungwon's emotional involvement.

_He'll think that you cannot judge because you are in love._

Was he though? Of course Minhyuk would conclude that from his behaviour, especially after a bunch of bad decisions a year ago. But Hyungwon wasn't even sure if it had been love back then and not obsession, his fear of being left alone and without the feeling of being important to somebody he cared about.

_But you weren't even thinking about yourself when you decided to stop him. Only later you realized that you need him too._

Hyungwon bit down on his lip and sighed. There was no point debating it now when he had already made his decisions. Whatever it was that he felt, it wasn't going to go away even if Hoseok tried to force it.

"I wanted to play it safe. I have some additional ideas that they'll never credit me for 'cause I'm the nerdy computer science student," Hyungwon explained and was surprised by how genuine he sounded. Maybe because with Matteo's sudden hostility and the hate that developed because Hoseok had protected him, his words weren't far from the truth.

"They won't credit you, so you decided to write a patent for it? Then who the fuck is Hoseok Lee?" Minhyuk lifted the patent again and waved it around.

"He had the original idea and he's helping me a lot with his ideas," he muttered and returned his attention to the patent instructions on how to emphasize the unique aspects of the software he was submitting. Hyungwon was good at programming and shit at writing. That's why he needed Minhyuk.

"Why do I feel like you sucked his dick in the library?" Minhyuk groaned and threw himself back on the couch before reaching for the handwritten notes that Hyungwon prepared for the patent. His best friend had to know what he did after all. "I get that you got sucked into this, I do, but please be careful, okay?"

A hint of worry entered Minhyuk's voice and Hyungwon knew better than to ignore it. He glanced up from the screen and smiled before replying. "I'm sure it'll be worth it in the end."

"I wish you wouldn't say that every time," Minhyuk whispered.

_

Hyungwon felt like he was living a double life. One during the night in which he worked on projects he cared about and had rough sessions of love making that he still felt in his limbs, and another where he had to adjust the color of answer boxes because Matteo changed his mind three times in the past hour because of a 'difficult client'.

Somehow, Hyungwon doubted that it was true, but he didn't complain despite it wasting his time. Unfortunately, Hoseok also wasn't there for a reason unknown to him. Each time the older man was missing it made him nervous and reminded him of the fact that he didn't plan on working at the company much longer, especially since his goal was almost reached.

_He didn't come yesterday either and it makes you nervous. What if he regrets letting you have him?_

Hyungwon's thighs quivered at the memory of Hoseok's hands on him and he blinked a few times to focus on the screen again. This wasn't the right time to reminisce about arousing memories.

Shifting on his chair, he tried to roll closer, but was stopped by something that caught in the wheel. It was a decent distraction, so he got up and climbed under the table to look for it, fumbling with the wheel until he pulled out a simple black button.

_You ripped his shirt and they flew all over the office._

He blushed a little which was unlike him and almost missed it when the office door opened without a knock as he climbed out from under the desk. His eyes first landed on thoroughly cleaned leather shoes and elegant suit pants, followed by an expensive designer shirt, a perfectly trimmed beard and the face of Roberto Ricci.

_Well, fuck._

"I'm sorry," he apologized even though he didn't know what for. It must have been the impression the other man gave off, seeming all superior while Hyungwon wore stuff that other people painted houses in and had his huge glasses on his nose. "I dropped something."

"Oh, don't worry." The man smiled and stepped closer, looking at him before glancing at his display. "Oh, I haven't seen the program for a long time, I can't believe it's finally at a stage that one can actually use it. I can remember when it was still a baby, just a thought." Roberto leaned in so close that he could smell his perfume.

Hyungwon felt nervous, but there was nothing in Roberto's behavior to make him feel this way. All of it was due to what he knew, to the kind of business the older man had and the things he did to Hoseok, making him desire nothing but revenge.

_But you know nothing. You're only a computer science student that got lucky._

"You were there when the idea was developed? I really like it. The safety mechanism is basically hack proof and it runs smoothly with the current clients," he replied and smiled too before fixing his glasses. "What can I do for you, second boss?"

_Maybe this is why Hoseok didn't come._

"Yeah, I was quite literally there when the idea was born. In my bed." The guy laughed with his low voice and adjusted the fitted suit pants on his skinny hips. "I was wondering if you could look at some more data for me. This time… It's a bit more tricky because it seems as if I'm making certain transactions, but I'm not. Of course I would go to the police, but I want to know what I'm dealing with beforehand. And you did well finding out that the purchases were made in Milan, so I thought I would ask you first. Could you check whether it's possible to undo it? Just in case I can't find out who it was."

_Does he want you to delete transactions under the excuse that it wasn't him?_

"By undoing the transactions, do you mean returning money that was transferred or simply deleting them from the records?" he asked calmly, not letting it show that the second was obviously illegal because it meant manipulating official documents.

"Hmm, I see you're asking the right questions. Let's say I need to know whether you can keep the transaction from being found. Meddling with money is illegal, you know, it's just about the verification. It's pretty sensitive." Clearing his throat, Roberto leaned back and crossed his arms. "Too bad, I knew a person who was really a genius with things like this, but I can't ask him, he's currently not in the country. He's the one who had the idea for the program, but it was in my bed so I decided that it's mine." The guy laughed again and looked at his own fingers, observing his perfectly cut nails.

_Does he even listen to himself?_

Hyungwon couldn't believe that Roberto was able to mention Hoseok so nonchalantly after putting him in jail, ruining his life and stealing his idea only because it was thought up 'in his bed'.

_Don't even think about them in bed._

He felt strange about Roberto's slim frame the longer he stared at it and preferred to focus on the older man's other features that distinguished him, be it his hair, his face, his sharp nose or the way he laughed. Hyungwon still heard him say 'it's illegal, you know' and a shudder passed over his back.

Roberto was even provoking him by using Hoseok in the hope to make him feel competitive about the job. Had he not known the details, he would have fallen for it, hoping for permanent employment after impressing the boss.

"I could make the transactions difficult to find, hide them if you will. Only until you figured out who it was, right?" he asked to seem naive and like he wasn't being pulled into obviously illegal business.

_The only thing that will save your ass is that you can hide your tracks._

"Yes, of course. I will leave the USB stick with the data and access to the individual transactions. I knew I would like you, you don't ask all kinds of irrelevant questions and you don't think about completely unnecessary bullshit either. Like fixing security holes only because the government is too stupid to take care of it. Why would you care if you have an actual job, right?"

_That's what Hoseok wanted to do, isn't it? Or is there somebody else he is referring to?_

"Well, unfortunately I don't, but I'm sure as soon as I have settled in the working world, there will be more pressing issues on my mind." Hyungwon smiled while making him seem inferior and deferring to the other man, something that a person like Roberto must enjoy judging by the way he talked. "I'm sorry that people bother you with unimportant concerns. I hope it's nobody you have a lot to do with."

_This whole business is to fix a security hole, but he doesn't seem aware of that._

"Oh, no, don't worry. I keep people who bother me far away. I was just remembering something, it wasn't anything recent, but still annoying. Right now, I'm just bothered with the transactions and it would be really good if you can help me." Roberto placed a red USB stick on his desk and wrapped his fingers around his shoulder, squeezing once.

Hyungwon contained a shudder and merely smiled again, staring at the other man over the frames of his glasses. "Don't worry, I'm pretty sure I can do something about this."

"It's so funny, this office smells really… interesting, " the low voice murmured before the tall man left the room, walking towards the main entrance.

Hyungwon really hoped that Roberto wasn't picking up the scent of sex that should have disappeared by now. There was no way it could be that but the other possibilities weren't much better either, especially the scent of cigarettes that filled the air whenever Hoseok entered.

Shifting in his chair and with Hoseok's button still clenched in his hand like a treasure, Hyungwon realized that it was going to be another long night, especially with access to whatever was on that red USB stick.

_

Lack of sleep over the past few nights was starting to catch up with him and Hyungwon hated the effect it had on his concentration.

He had spent the last hour looking for a bug in the code that had been a dumb act of carelessness on his side. Despite the setbacks the program was developing beautifully and he couldn't wait to show Hoseok when the older man finally returned to the office.

_If he returns to the office._

More than once during the past few days Hyungwon had thought of going to the small room and wrapping his arms around the muscular body again. There were several reasons why he didn't. One of them was that he felt like Hoseok needed some time, time to think about what it meant for them to be this close and desire each other beyond a single encounter that ended with orgasm only. Another reason was a childish fear of his, the fear of Parco Sempione that seemed much harder to conquer without desperation or Hoseok's leather jacket around his shoulders.

_You didn't smoke again after that one time. Maybe you changed after all._

The sound of the main door opening caught his attention and he heard Matteo babbling as he pulled Hoseok through the hallway towards his office the way he always did. Hyungwon tasted bitterness in his mouth with the realization that even though Hoseok hadn't been at the office he still talked to Matteo as if he preferred his company.

_You know better, but it still hurts._

He held his breath to listen to the muffled voices and felt his hands grow clammy as he wiped them over his jeans. This time he hadn't even put any effort into his appearance and a stupid voice in his head was telling him that he couldn't pull Hoseok away from Matteo that way. Not while being absolutely plain and having nothing to offer apart from his desire and desperation.

_But that is why you started dressing like this in the first place. You were sick of it, but now it suddenly matters?_

Hyungwon fought the desire to leave the office for several long minutes until he couldn't bear it anymore. He hadn't seen Hoseok for days and even if he was going to see him inside another man, it was better than not seeing him at all.

Opening his office door as quietly as he could, Hyungwon snuck towards Matteo's office. There were no moans and he waited several seconds until he finally dared to glance past the door frame. Instead of the usual picture of two moving bodies, he could see Hoseok sitting on the couch spread legged and glancing at Matteo who sat on the desk.

"Because I needed to talk without the sound of a thousand voices and club music making me go completely insane," Hoseok replied to something Hyungwon didn't hear.

"I will tell him, I promise, I just need a bit more time." His boss shifted on the desk but he could only see his broad back from his spot.

_Is Hoseok pressuring him to break up?_

Hyungwon couldn't understand why Hoseok was changing strategies, especially if he had forced himself to be affectionate towards Matteo for such a long time.

_Is it because of you? Because you made him lose his mind last time?_

"It's not about that. Not really. I'm leaving the company." The older man crossed his arms in front of his chest and sighed. "I'm not coming starting tomorrow."

_Shit._

Hyungwon panicked, hands shaking and he quickly removed them from the doorframe to not reveal himself by his rough inhale. He hid away in the shadows and listened without being seen.

_If he won't be coming back, that means he's close to finalizing his plan. You aren't fast enough. He might just go through with it and-_

He couldn't breathe and the effect his thoughts had on him was terrifying, making him feel dizzy first, then nauseated. Only when he could breathe without making a sound, he dared to look again.

"But why? Did I do something? Or is it because of Hyungwon? Should I give you a different office?"

_He feels threatened by you._

"What? No. It's because I don't like to mix work and private stuff. I will be working somewhere else. And about this…" Suddenly Matteo slipped from the desk and walked to the couch, climbing on Hoseok's lap without a warning.

"I will break up, I promise. I don't want you to leave, but if you want to work at a different place, sure, no problem. Just make some time for me."

_He cares about him._

Somehow, that realization got to Hyungwon, knowing that Matteo hadn't been in it for the fun only while delaying his break up with Roberto. The way his boss acted now, voice more desperate than a moment ago, reminded him of himself when he tried to stay somebody the other person cared about even though there was not a single indication for it. Matteo didn't know that Hoseok had been using him and if real feelings had developed on his boss' side it was cruel.

_You want him for yourself, but you know how that feels, don't you?_

Hyungwon wasn't the one cheating and had always been the lover in the relationship, but he knew how it felt to beg for affection when there was none.

"You should break up with him for yourself. Don't break up because of me. It's not worth it. Let's not do this anymore." Hoseok wrapped his fingers around Matteo's waist and pulled him from his lap before standing up. "You're lucky that I was the one waiting for you to break up, because imagine a person who genuinely wants you and waits for you to finally show that you care only for you to put if off like a coward. Don't do it. Don't drag anything. Do all at once or you might not do it in the end," Hoseok's low voice whispered, tone changing in the middle.

Hyungwon shivered at the words, unable to help the wave of hurt that suddenly hit him. It wasn't because of Hoseok or even because of Matteo. It was merely the thought that he would have really liked somebody to stand up for him like that, to show how it fucked with one's self-esteem to be used and lied to for years only to end up alone in the end.

_He's acting immediately, ending it as if he's listening to his own advice._

He pressed his back to the wall, not watching the two men, and struggled to control his breathing. Hyungwon felt so fucking close to crying, a mixture of missing Hoseok, remembering how devastating it was to be left alone and the shameless relief he felt because Hoseok had just broken off his relations with Matteo.

_You want him to be with you, so badly that you're scared he might leave now that he ended things._

"No, that - why would you say that? You asked me to break up with him and I will, I swear." Matteo was still pleading and he couldn't see, but he heard steps as his boss tried to stop Hoseok from leaving.

_It's wishful thinking, isn't it? He's afraid to end it but wants to keep Hoseok too._

"Because it's true. I don't care whether you break up with him anymore, it doesn't matter. But if you keep doing shit like this you might really hurt a person. It sucks." Suddenly Hoseok walked through the door, shutting it and moving along the hallway. The way the black eyes widened when they saw him meant that Hoseok wasn't aware of his presence, of the fact that he heard.

"Why… are you here?" Hoseok whispered before glancing towards Matteo's office and grabbing his hand to pull him along towards their office. Hyungwon didn't even have time to collect himself or understand what was happening. When the older man grabbed his jacket, he was pulled again as they ran down the stairs until they arrived outside and turned around the corner where Hoseok pushed him against the wall. "Don't you want to keep working here? Why would you stand around there, Hyungwon?"

He gasped as all air left his lungs at once and his glasses slipped down his nose from the impact. His emotional state was still a mess and he struggled to catch his breath, to get himself under control before he said something stupid, something that resulted in Hoseok leaving him right there against that wall and never coming back again.

His hands were faster than his lips and he wrapped his arms tightly around Hoseok's neck before pressing himself flush against the older man's body. The scent of cigarettes and leather entered his nose and for a few seconds it felt like he could breathe again. Even the cold that had been biting at his shirt didn't matter as much because he could feel Hoseok's body warmth.

"To see you," he muttered finally and hated how childish that sounded, like a child that was finally picked up from kindergarten after waiting for hours after pick up time.

_You can't let him go anywhere, even if it is what he wants._

Hoseok was observing him with an expression that he couldn't quite place. The red lips looked soft, gently curled at the corners and the lamp that illuminated the street threw shadows on the handsome face, making him appear younger than Hoseok actually was. Reaching for his face, the beautiful man cursed and turned them, hitting his back against the wall and pulling him flush against his body to connect their lips in a deep kiss.

Hyungwon didn't mind that he wasn't wearing his jacket yet or that the two of them were being risky. He couldn't have cared less when the touch of Hoseok's lips alone was like a match that lit him up from the inside, making him realize how much he had missed Hoseok the past few days. It didn't matter what it was, he missed it all. The roughness, the longing gazes, the black eyes, the firm embraces and the touch of curved lips against his.

"I didn't think you would be here, I wasn't prepared," the low voice breathed out as Hoseok kissed him again. After a few seconds the older man must've realized that he wasn't wearing a jacket and picked it up from the ground where he dropped it to wrap it around his shoulders. "Fuck. You need to be careful. I don't want you to be disadvantaged from this."

Hyungwon was breathing heavily from the kiss and tugged his jacket tighter over his chest, eyes passing over Hoseok's features to understand what his main concern was. Was he afraid that Hyungwon could lose his job? Matteo wouldn't risk it because most of the programing was done by him. Flavio and the others were going to make his life hell, but somehow it didn't matter to him as long as he was able to still see Hoseok and have him close.

_You need to know how to see him now that he's leaving._

"Nothing is going to happen. They all need me too much, including the man you are after." Chewing on his cheek, he quickly closed his jacket and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's waist. There was something about the gaze in the black eyes that made him want to hold on to it and keep it from escaping, keep Hoseok from reaching that 'prepared' state he had been talking about.

"What do you mean the man I'm after? He talked to you again? I knew that he would come but I didn't think he would come to you, fuck." Hoseok clenched his fists at his sides instead of embracing him, bottom lip trembling a little.

_You can't tell him everything. It will drive him mad because you're involved._

"If you have your laptop I can show you, but only if you come with me, Hoseok." He loosened his embrace and cupped Hoseok's warm cheeks to make sure the older man was looking at him and not at whatever scenario was playing in his head. "Come home with me tonight."

"I have it in my car," the low voice replied and he registered how Hoseok leaned into his touch. "Maybe today is a good day for doing crazy shit."

Hyungwon smiled at the words, relieved that Hoseok agreed as he did his best to hide how weak his knees were and how fucking scared he had been of rejection. He hadn't seen Hoseok for days and the mere thought of the older man disappearing into the dark streets of Milan drove him mad.

_He could move from his self-made prison and you wouldn't know shit._

"Isn't every day a good day for doing crazy shit?" he whispered before pulling Hoseok into a rough kiss one more time and hoping he could find a way to make the older man stay with him. At least for the next few hours but preferably for forever.

***

His coffee tasted superb, but he didn’t expect anything less from the cafe two blocks away from the beige office building that he hadn’t visited for a few days.

_You haven’t seen him since then._

The last thing he remembered was Hyungwon chewing on his cheek and observing him with his big eyes until he turned around the corner to drive back to his prison-like apartment. Even after some time had passed, his memory still pulled out images, sounds and even Hyungwon’s pleasant scent when he wasn’t prepared, be it when he brushed his teeth, or sat on the floor in the esoteric section of the library and finalized his plan.

_He’s breathtaking._

Hyungwon undoubtedly was, in every possible way. Of course life wasn’t kind to people who were beautiful and nice, so the tall man had gotten hurt in more ways than one, being used as an emotional garbage dump and suffering from emotional abuse but still offering his body. The thought alone made Hoseok want to get violent with every single person who dared to treat Hyungwon that way. The saying about violence not being a proper solution was laughable. After being in prison he had to disagree because if you didn’t use violence when someone wronged you, they would never stop. Ever.

_Unless they got hit in the face, it hurt for three or four weeks to remind them of what they did._

Or their life was destroyed in every possible way. He'd been focused on this mission for two years now and it was his only reason to keep on breathing. He needed to attack

The transactions were going smoothly and he managed to find Roberto’s illegal purchases, saving everything on his laptop and creating a backup of every single thing.

_But you need to make him panic, so he is more likely to make a big mistake that he can’t cover up._

Suddenly, Hoseok remembered how Roberto told him to stop butting into other people’s jobs. To stop wondering about cybersecurity in financial transactions and trying to come up with solutions if it wasn’t needed in the first place. How did he accept it back then? Why didn’t he ask himself why a person was so eager to leave everything as it was when the current state enabled criminal acts and was very obviously against the law.

_Because he needed the loopholes for his business._

Even after two years, he couldn’t understand why it was him. Why he was convicted for something he didn’t do and why the person he considered family had been the one to set him up, submitting all the fabricated evidence and his personal belongings when he wasn’t even able to save any pictures or documents besides the patents.

_It was like saying that you don’t deserve a life, that everything you had built should be used against you and destroyed in the process._

A bitter smile spread his lips and he took another sip of his coffee, hiding behind his laptop screen when a familiar voice sounded somewhere close and sent a shudder down his spine.

_It’s him._

Pulling the hood of his sweater lower, he sunk into the bench, making sure that his laptop screen hid his face and especially his lips. They were recognizable.

_What is he doing here? Didn’t Matteo say he would come to the office today?_

That had been his reason for staying away and waiting for a sign that Roberto left the office, but why was he here now? A careful glance to the right revealed the usual elegant look, black suit pants and always clean shoes. However, the tall man wasn’t alone, there was somebody else with him and they laughed, hands intertwined on the table.

_They’re both like that?_

He clenched his fists to get rid of the sudden reflex to throw over the table he was sitting at. He couldn’t do it. He put so much effort into the plan, into carefully taking every precaution and focus on every step so he wouldn’t make a mistake. Here he was, the reason for his misery, the person he had called family. The low voice that told him that they would buy a house in Tuscany, so they could drink good self-made wine, was now complimenting some handsome man who looked as if he worked in consulting, even though he had a boyfriend. A boyfriend Hoseok had been trying to persuade to end the relationship.

_He doesn’t give a fuck, does he?_

His skin tingled and he exhaled sharply, feeling panic crawling up his stomach to his lungs and making it hard to breathe. How could Roberto not give a single shit after ruining his life, after lying in court and trying to make him stay in prison for longer by fabricating more evidence, how could that person breathe easily just like that? How could he go to a cafe and cheat on his boyfriend, wearing perfectly clean shoes and having zero regrets, zero empathy, zero feelings?

_Does he feel anything at all?_

Hoseok wanted to scream. It wasn’t fair. It was not the way life was supposed to be.

_You promised that you would not touch him ever again, Hoseok. You can’t._

When his nails almost broke the skin of his palm, he took out his lighter with shaky fingers and removed the SD card before packing everything into his bag and pulling his hood over his eyes. His heart hammered in his chest when he walked past the slim figure and surreptitiously dropped his lighter into the open designer bag that stood on the floor next to the perfectly clean shoes.

_He should be scared because you will never forgive him._

Breathing felt unreal when he arrived outside and was blinded by the sun rays that felt warm on his face even though the air outside wasn’t yet. The situation he had escaped just now was such a typical snapshot of his life.

A jumble of thoughts, memories, feelings, his own nails in his skin hurting himself, struggles to breathe, and that laugh of a certain somebody who never cared that he existed in the first place, stomping on him with his perfectly clean shoes.

_

He was unsure if he felt lighter after ending things with Matteo or if he felt heavier because he knew the reason for ending them; aware that things hadn’t gone according to his plan. Maybe seeing Roberto with somebody else was one of the reasons, but mainly it was because he wanted Hyungwon more.

_And you did what hurt him the most._

He rejected Matteo because he wanted to stop hurting the tall boy by being with somebody else in front of his eyes, by making him desperate and eager enough to offer himself, to beg him to be close. He knew how terribly hurt Hyungwon had been by thinking he wasn't worth it, even though he was worth so much more than any person could hope for. Just not him. He had no hope and he couldn't be hurting another person.

_You have no right._

The black-haired boy stared out of the window, giving brief directions and leading him to his house, to the place he lived and kept safe from him.

_But things ended with Matteo. He doesn't have to be desperate and hurt anymore and he doesn't have to reveal his personal space to you. You have no reason to know where he lives._

"Why do you want me to come with you?" he asked, turning around the corner. "You know that you don't have to. I didn't scare you, or did I? I didn't mean to. Not this time."

Hyungwon kept his attention on the streets outside and only turned briefly as he answered, meeting his gaze and giving Hoseok a glimpse of more emotions than he had expected to see on the handsome face.

"Because I want you there," Hyungwon replied before pointing towards a small group of trees. "There's hardly any parking spaces, so you better start looking."

He hummed, looking around and stopping in front of a narrow spot that he easily pulled into. ‘Because I want you there’ was highly unspecific and he had no real idea what Hyungwon might have meant.

_Either it’s sexual or it’s emotional._

Leaving the reply without a comment, he grabbed his laptop and got out of the car, waiting for Hyungwon to show him where to go. The other man climbed out of the car quickly, curling up in his jacket even though it wasn't all that cold. A sudden smile passed over Hyungwon's lips as he followed the narrow street towards a simple residential building with greying walls.

"I hope you don't expect too much from the home of a student who moved out to make sure his siblings have more space," Hyungwon remarked before sticking his key into the front door and opening it easily, without even needing any strength as if the lock was too loose. "But I do have a bathroom and toothpaste."

“I don’t think you need to be worried about impressing a person who just came out of a 9 square meter cell,” he murmured in reply and brushed back his hair, feeling a little nervous because he didn’t know what to expect. Since the events from two years ago he couldn’t help but feel anxious about people and the possibility that they were not who he expected them to be. “Toothpaste, huh? Are you making plans?”

"To keep you?" Hyungwon turned around on a flight of stairs made of old, dark brown wood as he asked that, about to ascend to the second floor. "Yes."

The black-haired boy was still smiling but seemed more restless. At first Hoseok thought it was because Hyungwon was showing him his home, but after they arrived on the second floor in front of a simple wooden door, he realized that Hyungwon seemed to be more worried about him changing his mind. Long fingers reached out suddenly and wrapped around his forearm as Hyungwon opened the front door, not commenting on the gesture.

“I hope that you won't be hurt anymore. I broke things off with Matteo so I wouldn't cause you any more pain.” Hoseok entered the room and looked around. It was a reasonably spacious one room apartment, similar to the one that Hyungwon's friend had at the student dorm with the exception that it was more personal and had older walls. The building must have been over a hundred years old and it showed in the wooden pillars that held up the construction and kept big items of furniture to a minimum.

The biggest piece of furniture was Hyungwon's bed which was located in the center of the room, surrounded by a few pillars. Otherwise there were various old bookshelves, drawers, cupboards, an improvised kitchen with a portable stove, a few soft chairs and a desk that was cluttered with a ridiculously high stack of programming and hacking books.

_Like you when you were still in college._

But the furniture wasn't what caught his attention the most. Rather it was the handwritten letters and photographs that Hyungwon had put up on the wall. Most of them were of children at different ages and a couple that resembled Hyungwon. Interestingly, there were no similarities between him and the various younger boys and girls that he interacted with in the pictures.

"Not having you in front of my eyes will cause me the most pain," Hyungwon commented from behind him and stepped closer when he saw him staring at the pictures on the walls. The boy's hands landed on his shoulders and pulled down his jacket before hanging it up on one of the few nails that were carelessly stuck into a wooden pillar. Sighing, Hyungwon returned his attention to the photographs on the wall. "It's hard when you are used to it being super loud all the time and suddenly there's just me and wooden pillars. It's my way to keep the people I love close, I guess."

“It’s great that you love and are loved. You deserve nothing less.” He leaned against a pillar and glanced around once again, taking in all the small details filling the small space. “It seems so much like a home.”

_Understandable why he didn’t want you to know. He must be attached._

"It is, one that I wanted you to be part of." Hyungwon was observing his face intently as he looked around before stepping closer and simply wrapping his long arms around his neck, embracing him tightly. "What was your home like before? Before you had to leave it."

He tensed, not expecting to be asked personal questions all of a sudden. Something that Hyungwon hadn’t asked before.

_How was your home before?_

“I had a two bedroom apartment,” he murmured, inhaling deeply to relax his muscles. He was unsure whether to return the embrace, or to observe a bit longer. “A big bedroom and an office full of books. Similar to how your desk looks, just with additional shelves full of books. I liked minimalistic design and a sustainable interior, so I built my bed myself out of old wooden wine boxes, it looked cool. I guess.” He glanced to the side, uncomfortable about the sudden memories.

_But you want to wrap your arms around him. In the end you will anyway._

Hoseok reached out carefully and closed his arms around Hyungwon’s narrow waist, resting his crossed hands on the boy’s lower back. “Who are those kids?”

Hyungwon leaned back enough to look at him and smiled, fingers raking through his hair and tucking a stray strand behind one of his ears. "My siblings," the boy replied before chuckling and pointing at a photograph that was half hidden behind most of the books on his desk, showing an elderly couple, Hyungwon and most of the children in the other photographs. There were more than six of them of different ages. "There's a bunch of them and when some leave, new ones pop up."

_He’s literally the opposite of you with your everlasting loneliness._

His attention was pulled back to Hyungwon as lips pressed against his for a few seconds before the boy rested his head on his shoulder, keeping the embrace. "You must have crazy skills. I can put together a computer, but I'm probably lucky my shelves haven't collapsed yet. You should make me a bookshelf so there's enough space for all those hacking books. I'm not being subtle."

“Someday, maybe,” he murmured in reply but still glanced at the available space and whether Hyungwon had anything there to build a piece of furniture from. “My major was nothing about furniture or design, I studied business informatics back in the day. Not that it’s relevant. But your desk reminds me of my studies. I was the same.”

"You're definitely a better programmer than all the people studying business informatics I've met so far. No matter your major, I'd love to see what furniture that you made yourself looks like." Hoseok felt Hyungwon smile against his neck as his head rested on his shoulder. "I'm surprised you don't ask why the kids look nothing like me. Usually that's the first question I get."

“Would you like to tell me?” Hoseok asked and pulled the boy closer, enjoying the pleasant scent and how warm Hyungwon’s home was in comparison to his. “I’m not familiar with the concept of family in general, so if you say siblings, then it doesn’t matter whether they look like you. My brother from the orphanage, the one who didn’t speak, he didn’t look like me either, but it doesn’t matter.”

Hyungwon lifted his head from his shoulder at the words, surprise evident on his face. "I… love that you think this way. It seems like not many people do. To me they are all my siblings even if none of them were born in Italy or to my parents. My parents adopt another child from abroad whenever one of us leaves the house because there are no age limits for parents when they want to adopt outside of Italy."

_He must be an amazing brother._

Hyungwon stroked over his hair and then over his shoulders, chewing on his cheek suddenly. "I haven't even asked you if you want to eat or drink something. God, you can't live off hugging me, as much as I want you to."

“I think it would be amazing to have a brother like you and your siblings are very lucky and deserve to be loved a lot by many people, just like you do.” He smiled and shook his head. “I don’t need anything, really. I learned to survive on air, it’s convenient. The human mind is impressive.”

"Just because you learned to survive on air doesn't mean that you can't have anything else," Hyungwon whispered, facial expression changing after his words. A brief shiver passed through the boy's hands, but he merely curled his fingers a few times before wrapping his arms around him again. He seemed nervous about something, but Hoseok couldn't tell what it was. "I think that you are amazing and deserve to be loved by many people, including me."

Hyungwon didn’t get the concept of starving, so he leaned back a little and caught the gaze in the brown eyes. “You don’t understand. If you receive something beneficial, no matter what it is and allow yourself to have it all, when it’s taken away, it will be so much worse because your body is used to having it. Be it sleep, or food or shower, it doesn’t really matter what it is. If my body gets used to having it all, it will be pure torture all over again.” He smiled before the previous sentence finally reached his awareness and he opened his mouth, trying to come up with a reply but…

_He said you deserve to be loved by people, including him._

“You…” he started and held his breath, muscles tensing and pulling on a very deep and painful string in his mind. “You are wrong.”

"If I don't agree with the way you feel about yourself, it doesn't mean that I'm wrong." Hyungwon inhaled through his nose like he was anticipating something that didn't happen so he was able to exhale again. The warm air hit his lips and the boy moved a little closer again, enough to have their mouths brush. "You are wrong, because it's up to me to decide whether you deserve something I am willing to give. You deserve all of it, Hoseok. Every fucking drop."

“I will say something that might hurt you, but I have to say it because I’m not a charity case and you are not a charity case either. You need to listen and to understand.” He swallowed and loosened his embrace for Hyungwon to be able to move away. “I think you feel close to me because the people you’ve been with fucked with your self-esteem. They made you think you are worth nothing and that your suffering isn’t important or that you have to be the one to make all kinds of sacrifices just to be left behind with nothing but pain in the end. It’s not true. They are wrong, okay? They are people who don’t deserve to be with another person and they definitely don’t deserve to be with somebody like you, who is kind and receptive and smart, who cares and has affection to share and does it so willingly. You are a person like that. You don’t need to… get close to somebody like me. I’m an ex-convict who will most definitely go back to jail, so why would you waste all those things that you are on somebody like me? I’m not saying that I’m trash and don’t deserve things, or deserve to be treated like shit. I’m not. I simply don’t matter. But your feelings, your pain, all those things matter, Hyungwon. So don’t bother. Inhale, look at yourself in the mirror and understand that there will be good things coming for you because you are a breathtaking human.”

Hoseok could feel Hyungwon's body shaking in his loose hold, fists clenched and lips sucked into the boy's mouth as he inhaled air into his lungs through his nose.

"Are you even listening to yourself?" Hyungwon asked quietly, words no louder than an exhale would have been. The black-haired boy reached out and held onto the fabric of his shirt, keeping them close as he gathered the right words to say. "You're basically telling me that I only want to be with you because I got fucked over so much that I'm not capable of making a rational decision. You're telling me that my self-esteem is ruined then saying that you don't matter in the next sentence. What kind of bullshit is that, Hoseok? I don't care whether some people think that you don't matter, because to me you do. To me you matter so fucking much that I'm shaking because I'm scared that none of my words will register as meaningful because you'll simply conclude that I'm starved for affection and trying to get it from you."

Hyungwon gasped and wrapped his arms around his neck instead of pushing him away, the handsome face buried in his neck and embrace so tight that Hoseok struggled to inhale for a second.

_That’s not what you meant…_

“I-” he gasped and chewed on his lips, trying to come up with an explanation. “What if I mess you up? What if I hurt you more?”

"What if you mess me up by staying away from me? I'm fucking terrified that you'll just leave and I won't see you again, Hoseok." Hyungwon was breathing heavily, even though there was no physical exertion, only lean arms that held onto him. "This isn't just an exchange of affection anymore that ends when you decide to carry through with your plan. This is fucking serious."

“That’s why I’m telling you all these things, Hyungwon. It’s enough that this is ripping me apart. You don’t even fucking know me, for fucks sake. I’m just a guy who choked someone in the park for you. You told me you wanted excitement. I’m not the excitement you're looking for, believe me. There’s nothing exciting about it. For fuck's sake, he doesn’t even care that I’m meticulously doing all those things while he’s cheating on the guy I was fucking because I thought it would make a difference. I ended things and you’ve seen that. I did it so you wouldn’t feel the need to be closer to me, there’s nothing going on and I will continue being the misanthropic ex-convict who chokes people if they act like assholes. You can decide to be close to me or to start stepping further away. The question is what will hurt more and I will tell you from experience that all of it fucking hurts.” He looked up and clenched his fists, feeling that nothing he said accurately reflected his thoughts and most definitely not what he felt.

Instead of holding onto him tightly, the boy's hands suddenly loosened and turned tender, caressing his hair, neck and shoulders until they paused at his hands. Hyungwon swallowed as he slipped his fingers in between his own, brown eyes watching him through the familiar glasses.

"I don't want excitement, Hoseok. I want you. The only thing I don't understand is what you want. You said that you're doing this to return to nothing, to be able to only breathe and nothing else, but his actions hurt you. You say that he doesn't give a shit about your efforts, but doesn't that mean that you wanted him to?" Hyungwon inhaled briefly, as if he feared his reply before continuing. "You always sound like all of it is set in stone, that you are an ex-convict who is going back to jail and that the decisions that will lead you there are already made. But are they really? Is this what you really want?"

_You know so well what you want, but you never say it._

“It’s complicated. When I planned everything out a year ago in my cell, there was no note about the tall computer science student, who will turn out to be a genius hacker. There was nothing about you, who was the one to implement my software, who would be the first person I want to touch and to be touched by. I didn’t write into the footnotes that you would become what I want. That I would want you more.” He turned around and pressed his forehead against the cool wood, trying to distract himself with the feeling of the rough surface against his skin. His body was tingling in a mixture of anxiety and warmth and he clenched his fists again, trying to distract himself with the difference in pressure that his nails applied on his palm.

But there wasn't only the cool wood. There was Hyungwon's fingers that reached out for him and stroked over his back, remaining there and providing comfort as he tried to ban the sensations from his mind.

"But what if the plan is what you needed to survive through it, but now that you are here, there is no need for it anymore? What if you can return to the things you were passionate about, the things you love, instead of letting that man hurt you from afar? He still hurts you, Hoseok, even if he can't touch you." Suddenly the warmth only increased as Hyungwon embraced him again, pressing his slim body flat against his back. "Have you really… never wanted to touch anybody before?"

_You can’t give up on this. You can’t breathe knowing that you went there for nothing and he continues as if nothing happened._

“You don’t understand. When I think about giving up I want to punch a wall a thousand times because I can’t accept that he won’t have any consequences from it. That he deleted my life, my efforts, my passion, my feelings, everything just like that as if I never existed and will continue living on, doing illegal shit and hurting people without getting any punishment for it. I will make him pay even if it costs me myself,” he hissed, shaking from his efforts to breathe. Hyungwon didn’t get it, didn’t understand how fucking broken he was, how the thought alone made him anxious as panic crawled up his chest. Hyungwon didn’t understand what it meant to wish you were dead every day because the world wasn’t worth living in, not if a person could be erased like that, without having done anything, without the opportunity to react. “You saw that I can’t sit still for a long time, it’s because of the cell. I can’t handle closed doors too, I sweat and keep thinking about what to do if I pull the handle and it’s locked right now. I can’t breathe if there are too many people around and I can’t handle sudden touches because of the violence in there and the first half a year when I had to wait for my trial and there were people everywhere, it stank and there was no way to escape, that…” he held his breath to not hyperventilate and pushed his nails further into his palm. “Because of that I didn’t want to be close or be touched by anybody, I didn’t want to be among people and needed a few weeks alone in my cell-like room before I managed to go out and get used to being surrounded by people.”

"You're right," Hyungwon whispered and kept embracing him, his touch tender and light, fingers tracing his ribs and dancing over his skin instead of pressing down on it. "You're right that I cannot understand it. I might not be able to understand it, but I still care. I still care and I still want to help and be close to you. You can't bear a closed door?" The boy let go of him and Hoseok heard steps in the direction of the door, followed by a click of the lock and the sound of it giving in whenever Hyungwon pulled at the handle. "Then I won't close it."

Steps moved back towards him and fingers hovered over his skin for a few seconds before touching him and carefully urging him to turn around and meet Hyungwon's gaze, eyes wide but focused.

"I want to know about it," the black-haired boy whispered and chewed on his cheek, "about the way your life was before. Your efforts, your passion, the things you loved. I want to know about all of them, if you're willing to tell me."

“I…” he whispered and bit his lip so hard that it started bleeding and he sucked it into his mouth. “I have no idea how to talk about it. I didn’t talk to anybody for two years. I don’t know what to say or what is relevant, I just know what to do to carry out my plan. Why would you want to know when it only shows that none of it is there anymore? It’s like telling a person who can’t walk to tell you about their time when they were still able to move freely. It just hurts.”

In the end Hoseok was nothing but his plan and tried so hard to be anything apart from that, using Hyungwon’s affection to prove it to himself.

"I want to know because… I don't think that all of it is gone, definitely not forever." The black-haired boy took his hand, keeping him from abusing his palm and pulled him towards the big bed, inviting him to sit down before joining him, thighs touching. "You are still an impressive programmer. You found masked transactions and made them accessible, you developed software to trick the stock market, you were fascinated by the main software I programmed and improved because it is yours and it still matters to you. You were able to make furniture for yourself and furnish your own apartment. You could do the same again if only you decide to. You- still have feelings, even if they aren't towards the same person and probably not in the same intensity… they are still there. I want to get to know you, I want to try to understand, if you'll let me."

“But maybe it’s better to leave it all mysterious because then you won’t get disappointed. There isn’t much apart from the unanswered question of why I am still alive and the wish to have you.” He chuckled and licked a drop of blood from his bottom lip. Glancing at the ceiling and smiling because it wasn’t completely white, Hoseok let himself fall on the bed and closed his eyes for a few seconds. It was so soft and it smelled like heaven.

The mattress dipped next to him and he felt the weight of Hyungwon's head on his bicep. The slim boy lay down next to him and carefully let his fingers roam over his chest without applying too much pressure.

"You're still alive because you deserve to be and because you're stronger than you think. You're alive, so why shouldn't you be allowed to pursue the things you wish for?" A warm kiss was pressed to his cheek before Hyungwon leaned over him and kissed his lips next. "I wish to have you too, Hoseok. I know that I might not understand what happened to you and the struggles you face, but I still want you."

“You’re a genius,” he whispered and decided to battle his anxiety by carefully wrapping his fingers around Hyungwon’s waist and pulling him on top of himself. “Were you in love with the person that hurt you?”

A hint of hesitation appeared on Hyungwon's face before he leaned in to kiss him but had to stop because his glasses slipped to the tip of his nose. The boy removed them before connecting their lips. "I thought I was, but now that time has passed and I was hurt I'm not so sure anymore. How is one supposed to tell if it's real? I thought about that over the past few weeks, how I would be able to tell if I really loved a person, independent of the way they treated me. It must be a desire despite everything, despite all odds and concerns. Things that mattered before suddenly don't anymore and vice versa."

Hyungwon placed his glasses a few centimeters away from their heads and sighed, lips tracing his like the boy didn't want to stay away for longer than a second. "I must be freaking you out with my implication. Have… you been in love?"

“Oh don’t worry, my anxiety is so bad that the possibility of you being in love with me won’t make a very big difference in how badly my fingers shake,” he chuckled and kissed the full lips. “I thought I was, but I don’t know because I’ve never seen people being in love before."

"I have, but I'm not sure it helps me figure it out," Hyungwon replied and he felt the boy smile before carefully tracing his jaw with that plump mouth of his. "What is it that makes you anxious? How close we are?"

_Is it the proximity?_

“Maybe?” He shifted briefly, not used to talking about his private thoughts so openly and immediately. Was it okay to say what he thought? Would Hyungwon use it to hurt him? He didn’t know and the lack of knowledge and security was what made him feel insecure in addition to the main problem. “It could be the proximity, because what if… you come close, so close that you can see inside me and realize it’s a fucking void with a zippo lighter in it that symbolizes my revenge. And can I even love if there’s just a void inside? And then a thousand other thoughts that I won’t tell you.”

"You don't have to," Hyungwon whispered with a smile before kissing him again. The pretty smile remained as Hyungwon rested his head on top of his chest and traced the length of his arm with the tips of his fingers. "I had those thoughts too before, at least similar ones. I put so much effort into the way I looked to be desirable that I was convinced as soon as I stop nobody will give a single shit. It seemed like putting on a mask while the inside remains unlovable. The sad bit is that once I stopped trying to be desirable it was true somehow. That's why I didn't believe you when you called me hot. I knew it had to be an excuse."

“I lied to you many times, but your clothes weren’t what caught my attention. It might sound a bit strange… but I started being interested in you when you showed me what you could do. It had absolutely nothing to do with your visual impression.” Hoseok was a weirdo when it came to attraction and his previous partners only ended up being hot by chance. “And I like it that you’re kind. It’s attractive.”

His fingers traced Hyungwon’s handsome face as he spoke, gaze wandering along the covered walls and pretty sheets, he took in all the books and letters that people who loved Hyungwon had written him, making one worry superfluous.

_He is loved. You won’t be the only one._


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 10

His fingers traced the round form of Hoseok's face. He attempted to memorize how few edges it had and how delicate it was, just like the older man's hands that had surprised him the first time Hyungwon laid eyes on them.

Even though his fingertips passed over Hoseok's temples and drew the shell of his ear, Hyungwon didn't feel like he was getting much closer to the core that hid beneath all that. He had no access to the thoughts that tried to push him away and convince him to be with somebody else.

Hoseok was doing it so well too, perfectly aware of how easily Hyungwon responded to compliments and how much it meant to him to be appreciated. The older man took all those things and transformed them into reasons to stay away from him, reasons for Hyungwon to run while he was still able to. Unfortunately, Hyungwon was far beyond convincing, his past decisions were proof of that.

_You thought his self-made prison was like a cardboard box, but it's not._

At the very beginning, Hyungwon had hoped to lift the box that clouded Hoseok's judgement and show him all the things he was missing out on in his life, he no longer had such delusions.

Hoseok's problem wasn't a box he put over his head and refused to take off even though it made him miserable. It was a wall made of iron that he had erected over the past two years, so high that he feared both leaving it and letting somebody else in.

Hyungwon wasn't delusional enough to believe he could lift it or make it disappear through an intimate hug and a few whispered confessions. What he wanted was to get closer, to press his fingers against the cold door until Hoseok finally decided to let him have a glimpse of the inside, maybe only for a second.

_But even that would be worth it._

When Hoseok told him about his fears and the aftermath of being in prison, Hyungwon knew that a few months ago, it would have terrified him. He would have been overwhelmed and unable to deal with somebody who reacted like that and seemed to be unable to function in a normal environment.

But none of those thoughts were there now. He still felt helpless, but mostly because all he could do was make small improvements. He could warn Hoseok before touching him, he could leave the door unlocked, he could provide warmth and comfort until it was difficult to stay still and Hoseok needed to move. There were several things he could do, but the uncertainty of whether they were enough remained.

_The only thing that you're sure about is that you want to be with him._

The thought of being in love was scary and unfamiliar even though he had experienced it before. In his last relationship it had felt liberating and he felt desired and special, appreciated by the man he was with who told him about his pain and suffering while Hyungwon collected it all and made it better. But now it wasn't the same even though the word love kept returning to him whenever he thought of Hoseok.

His two month semester break was almost over and his main concern was not being able to see Hoseok instead of the fact that he hadn't received a permanent contract as he had hoped. He was focused on preparing a patent he couldn't pay for and finding a way to become important enough to Hoseok that he wouldn't leave him.

_He probably can't imagine how scared you are by the thought of him disappearing._

Despite his fears, it felt so pleasant to share them, to say them out loud instead of repeating them inside his head. Hoseok told him about his fear that Hyungwon might see through him, look past his appearance and see nothing but gaping emptiness and a zippo lighter to symbolize his revenge.

_It's such a familiar thought. What if the other person sees you the way you see yourself, or even worse, the way you fear that you really are?_

Hyungwon told Hoseok about his attempts to disappear from sight, to become an unassuming shadow instead of somebody who was desirable. It had been his way of focusing on his skills and his qualifications instead of getting chosen and treated in a particular way because of his outer appearance. He hadn't wanted to repeat his mistakes from before, but instead he was met with the reality that if one wasn't desirable then apparently one was nothing.

_But he's looking at you with those eyes of his and apologizing for considering your intellect and capacity for affection attractive._

Hoseok called himself weird for it, but the older man had no idea how much it meant to him, why it was more meaningful than any compliment he had been given before. Fingers brushed over his cheek as Hoseok spoke the words and Hyungwon barely contained the urge to wrap himself around the muscular body and never let go.

"You said that you fear that I'll only see a void inside of you if I look closer, one that contains nothing but your thoughts of revenge." Hyungwon smiled before placing his own palm on top of Hoseok's, enjoying how intimate the gesture was, especially as both of them were lying on his bed, in the place he called home and barely showed to anybody. "That can't be, because I've already seen so much more with the glimpses you allowed me. Each of those only made me want you more, so how can it be a void?"

"It feels like one," Hoseok murmured in reply and he could see the discomfort the other man mentioned on the handsome face. "I don't know how it works exactly, but it feels as if there's a void with a small flame and you're leaning over attempting to blow it out."

"Is that bad?" he asked carefully and kissed the tips of Hoseok's index and ring finger. "Can't I light another one, one that doesn't haunt you the way this one does?"

"In theory anything is possible, but you know how different it is in practice. I have no idea, Hyungwon. I just feel at ease knowing that I didn't kill Flavio today and that I ended things with Matteo. I feel different about being here with you but I can't tell if it's good or bad. It's a mixture between being scared, expecting the worst and feeling good." Again Hoseok chuckled, and turned to the side to face him, black eyes observing him intently.

_That's a little bit how you feel too, isn't it?_

Hyungwon smiled at that before meeting the intense gaze and wondering if he had ever felt so glad about having somebody in his arms before.

"But isn't it always a mixture of different feelings? I also feel good being so close to you and having you right here, but at the same time I'm scared of asking too much or kissing you so much that you'll get sick of me." He smiled at himself because his concerns must have seemed minor to Hoseok. "Of course my fears must sound like those of a teenager in love, but they are still sincere."

"Fears are fears, no matter how minor they seem. You could judge me for being scared of a locked door when that's literally what people do to feel safe. I know they do, but that's my fear and it makes me feel like dying. I mean… you saw me. I couldn't even hear anything." The man in his arms had his eyes closed as he spoke before opening them again after he finished. "I'm scared to hurt you with my fears and rationally speaking this fear is the most substantial one. I can say something mean or curse at you when I have a panic attack and I bet I did already, but I'm not my fears. At least I hope that I'm not, so don't think you need to be careful kissing me. I told you that you're the only person that I want to touch and be touched by."

Hyungwon instantly remembered how Hoseok had hissed at him to not fucking touch him. The memory remained even if Hoseok had convinced him of the opposite many times since, yearning to touch him even. He knew that the other man's fears weren't showing him his true feelings, but Hyungwon wished he had a way to feel less helpless about them.

"Even if you are scared of being here with me," he murmured and followed Hoseok's advice by kissing those curved lips. "Will you stay the night? We can leave the door unlocked, I don't mind."

Hoseok observed him and looked a bit nervous, chewing on his bottom lip and clenching his fists a few times.

"I have difficulty trusting people. I feel like I'm going crazy, feeling pulled towards you and feeling good next to you, enjoying being close, but in the back of my head the thought remains that I'm being reckless, that I'm not seeing clearly, that I can't know what you're actually thinking, that I'll be used. The good thing is that there's nothing about me that you can use, so I feel less worried, but I'm having a hard time dealing with this." Seeing the insecurity in the dark gaze was new and made Hoseok seem so much more vulnerable. "But maybe… I can."

_This must feel so terrible._

Hyungwon couldn't even imagine how difficult it must be for Hoseok to trust him. Hyungwon had struggled too in the beginning, afraid that he was being pulled into something he didn't want to be a part of, but this was different. Hoseok wasn't only scared of being hurt the way Hyungwon had feared being left behind or abandoned. It was a very real and tangible fear, one that Hoseok had experienced firsthand.

"Is there something I can do to make it easier?" he asked and sat up before fumbling for his glasses and putting them on his nose. "You said that you also can't bear sitting still. I wanted to take a shower and you could look around if you like. Some stuff is probably embarrassing, but I don't mind you seeing it. You could be on your own for a bit or work out as you did before."

"My explanations make you worry about me, I guess. I'll be fine, really. Just-" Hoseok sat up and crossed his legs. "Just kiss me before you go."

Hyungwon's eyes widened, but not because the request was outrageous or anything. Rather it was the fact that Hoseok hesitated to ask for something that Hyungwon wanted so much that he kept restricting himself to not overdo it.

_You want to sit down on him and make him yours again._

He instantly reached out and climbed on top of Hoseok's crossed legs before wrapping his arms around Hoseok's neck and kissing him intently. It felt just right, close even though his glasses and the fabric were in the way.

"It's not your explanations," he whispered before kissing Hoseok again and again. "It's my own fear that you'll leave while I shower."

"That's a shit move. I might be a liar, and will end up hurting you but I will be upfront about it. Don't worry. I'm not going to leave, unless I suddenly get a panic attack and run. Your kisses calm me down a lot. You have special skills." Smiling briefly Hoseok stroked over his head and shifted towards the edge.

The words got right to his core again and he chewed on his lips to not mumble something uselessly emotional again.

"You can have as many of them as you like," he whispered instead and climbed off Hoseok's lap. The bathroom was small and he wasn't timid, so he pulled the loose shirt over his head and threw it into a basket close to the bathroom door. Next he slipped out of his jeans without unbuttoning them and finished off with his underwear and socks.

Hyungwon could feel Hoseok's eyes on him and the feeling spread goosebumps all over his skin, reminding him of the way those delicate hands had roamed his body as he moved his hips.

"I'll be right back," he muttered and disappeared into the bathroom, already feeling color travel towards his cheeks. It was sudden, but not unexpected.

_Because you want him, you just didn't say it out loud._

Hyungwon wanted to feel fresh, clean and prepared before lying down next to Hoseok and wrapping his arms around him. Maybe it was too calculating of him, too expectant when Hoseok had just shared his fears with him and ended the deal with Matteo, but still he wanted to.

_You miss it and you thought you were going mad not seeing him._

When Hyungwon removed his glasses and stepped into the shower, he focused on the sensation of warm water running down his skin. It felt good and he realized how tense his shoulders were from sitting in front of a computer all day. His mind was quick to remember the one time when he had been lying on his desk instead and begging the older man to fill him up.

_Why does it already feel like you dreamt that?_

After relaxing for a few minutes he began to clean himself thoroughly, scrubbing his whole body and shaving just in case. It felt good to take care of himself to that extent, to feel content in his skin and imagining the way Hoseok looked at him, how the older man touched him.

Even if Hoseok didn't want to have sex, it was fine. Hyungwon merely wanted to be prepared, to know that if hands ended up driving him mad, there was nothing stopping him from feeling all of Hoseok.

_Does he have any idea how much you want him regardless of whether he sleeps with anybody else?_

His preparation was effective and quick and he tried his best to be silent as the walls were thin. Luckily only breathy gasps left his lips and the water was loud enough to drown them out. Once he was perfectly smooth, clean and his hair smelled like vanilla, Hyungwon stepped out of the shower and dried himself quickly. For a brief moment he thought of putting on his glasses, but decided to wear contact lenses for the last few hours before they went to bed.

Quite some time had passed and he started to get anxious, not because he feared that Hoseok would be gone, but rather that the older man had changed his mind about something, anything concerning him.

_You're scared that the iron wall will be there again, instead of the tiny door crack you managed to create._

Wrapping a towel around his hips, Hyungwon held his breath and walked out of the small bathroom.

Dread spread through his body when he didn't see Hoseok at his desk or his bed, but after a few seconds the black hair appeared next to the bed and Hoseok jumped up. There was no fabric covering the muscular chest and arms were on full display as Hoseok reached for his jeans that sat low on his hips and adjusted their fit, smiling briefly. "I need to wear the shirt tomorrow, so I took it off to work out," he explained.

Hyungwon held his breath for a few seconds to contain the panic that had begun and the adrenaline that was already joining his blood stream. Once he felt more in control of himself, he made his way towards Hoseok and let his hands stop in front of the muscular chest for a few seconds before touching it.

_You don't even care that he's sweaty because the scent is attractive to you._

"How can a human be this gorgeous?" he asked out loud and bent his knees, lowering himself enough to lean in and lick over Hoseok's right collarbone, tasting a hint of salt. A few seconds passed before he felt the delicate fingers in his hair, massaging his scalp and raking through his moist hair.

“You think that I’m gorgeous? I think that you are.”

Hyungwon smiled at that, especially because the words got to him so easily. He had put in some effort to look beautiful, but something about the way Hoseok said it made it seem like he could have also been sitting at his office desk in his usual loose clothes.

"Have you always worked out a lot?" he asked and met Hoseok's gaze, still letting his hands roam the firm chest. He liked how it felt and that Hoseok didn't jerk away from the touch.

_It must have been so difficult for him to let anybody touch him, even for his plan._

“A bit, but not as frequently. I started when I got my own cell to cope with my heavy panic attacks and I could finally move. I spent most of the time working out or making up code in my head, so I’m not the most social person. But you can be sure that I won’t be nice to you just because I want you to like me. You have never been a part of my plan, so I have no reason to be like that.” Hoseok tilted his head and observed his reaction as he touched the older man. “Do you like lean bodies? What is it that you like?”

"Huh?" The question caught him off guard as he had been contemplating what it must have felt like, caught in a small room and unable to escape or occupy himself with anything substantial. The fact that Hoseok had a body like that because there had been nothing else he could do to stay sane, made him feel guilty for enjoying the broad frame so much. "I- well-"

_You like bodies like his but stopped because it reminded you too much of what happened._

"I like broad frames, the way your abdomen flexes when you thrust forward," he admitted eventually and chewed on his cheek. "I… thought I had to change my preferences if I wanted people to stop using me, that it had something to do with physical inferiority."

_You thought that people couldn't hurt you if you are big and buff and can choke people, but it's clearly bullshit, isn't it?_

“I think the only place where that actually applies is prison. It is better to be physically superior when you are inside, but even there, it depends on the person. There were people who were so detached from physical pain, that it didn’t matter whether you were stronger or not, you couldn’t do much. It’s fucked up if you have to change what you find attractive because people are being assholes in their bodies.” The man in his arms sighed and roamed his fingers over his naked back, connecting a few drops that he missed when drying himself and causing goosebumps with the tenderness of the touch. “I’m glad that you like the way I am because I think that you’re gorgeous. I like that you are tall and that your limbs are long and your hands are big and I like that you show what you feel. It’s the most attractive thing about you. For me. But it was different in the beginning… ”

Hyungwon licked over his lips, mind clouding over because Hoseok compliments made him want to touch more, to reach out and let his hands run over all of Hoseok's body covering every inch with kisses. Every attempt to declare that he wasn't attracted to the man in front of him would have been a blatant and obvious lie, especially with the heat that developed in his body simply because there were hands on him and not a lot of fabric separating them.

"What was it like before?" he asked and licked over Hoseok's neck, a line from the protruding ear to his shoulder. The skin was cool and still tasted a little salty, the combination of sensations was so arousing it made it hard for Hyungwon to breathe.

“Before? I thought of you as a stick because your physical appearance was similar to the person who ruined my life, it made me want to distance myself. But that changed pretty quickly.”

_That's what made you uncomfortable, because you and Roberto have similarities._

"Funny, considering that I felt the same way. I was a little upset that you talked to Matteo on a first name basis even though I didn't have much hope of ever getting close to him. Now I think I must have been attracted based on the hope that he was going to appreciate my skills, or because he looked the way I enjoyed presenting myself back then. You were also exactly what I tried not to go for, but seeing him blow you on his desk made that physically impossible." Hyungwon chuckled and leaned down to dip his tongue into the hollow that Hoseok's collarbones created. "How… were you able to be close to him? You said that you struggled to be among people at first. Isn't sex so much more intimate?"

“It makes you feel nauseous. But I knew that it was something that I had to do for the outcome that I desired. I tried something else first, but Matteo only reacted to me on that level, so it was the only way for me to achieve my goal. I usually tried to imagine code, but that is of course not very arousing. It got easier when I started being close to you. Sometimes I really wanted to punch him when he touched me, but thinking about going back to prison without having accomplished anything made it easier to stay calm.” Hoseok chuckled as his fingers stopped caressing his back and stayed unmoving for a few seconds. “Bullshit. I wasn’t calm at all and I asked myself a thousand times why I was doing it and whether there is another way. Just that there wasn’t and now I know that it was for nothing, damn.”

Hyungwon didn't know what to say. He had known that Hoseok struggled to be close to Matteo and that sudden touches and especially kisses weren't welcome, but he hadn't known the degree to which Hoseok forced himself into the faked relationship.

_It made him nauseated and desperate, but he still did it._

How strong was this goal of revenge that he was trying to go against? Even if Hoseok doubted it regularly, was there really anything Hyungwon had to offer in its place? Enough to make abandoning it worth it?

"Have you ever thought about not returning to prison?" he asked quietly and finally wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck to let their chests meet and feel how cool Hoseok's body was in comparison to his hot skin after the shower. His fingers played with Hoseok's black hair and he felt the sudden need to connect their bodies again, to be so close that both of them felt nothing but the other. "Have you… thought about what it might be like to start anew? To stay far away from him and do the things you always wanted to do, to be with somebody who genuinely cares about you and shares the same passion?"

_You're so obvious, Hyungwon. So fucking obvious._

“The things I’m doing and the fact that I am an ex-convict make it almost impossible to get out of this without a sacrifice. Lately I have been asking myself why I want things and what… what I want more, but it seems as if there is no real answer because my mind consists of this plan and I don’t have anything else. I feel like the person I was before doesn’t exist anymore and I can’t even understand my previous sentiments or memories because it’s not me. All that's left is a broken shell and I can only do what the broken shell is still able to do, namely carry out my vendetta. If there is no prison for me in the future, it means that my plan didn’t work out, or… I don’t even know. I’ve never thought about it because there is a gaping emptiness as soon as you try to kill the little flame.” Hoseok stumbled back and let himself fall on top of the bed, taking him along. “You want me to, right? I don’t think that I can. I don’t know if there’s anything left, Hyungwon.”

_How are you supposed to fight this?_

"There is," he replied immediately even though his voice was shaking. Hyungwon didn't know how to make Hoseok understand that his plan was part of what made him so miserable, part of what created the gaping emptiness in the first place. If Hoseok didn't kill the flame, there was no way of filling the space with anything else, because he didn't allow it. "If revenge is the only thing that broken shell is able to do, then how come it is here with me? You're making me feel so much while I'm containing the constant mixture of emotions and arousal I feel towards you, Hoseok. Is it the same for you too? Do you want to be inside of me when we touch, or is there still only that little flame, telling you not to? If there is a void as soon as the flame fades, then I want to fill that void, Hoseok."

The round black eyes were observing him, jumping from his eyes to his lips as if searching for something and he wasn't sure if Hoseok could find what he was searching for. "I want you. The flame can't do anything about me wanting you more."

"Then maybe it's okay to let it fade, to take the oxygen it needs to survive and use it for your lungs instead, at least right at this moment." Hyungwon lifted his body up from Hoseok's muscular chest, aware that his towel had loosened and barely covered his groin. It didn't matter to him because he wasn't timid, not about his body and not when he wanted to be desirable, to feel Hoseok's eyes on him regardless of another person that fueled the arousal first.

"Right now I really want to replace this worried expression on your face that makes me believe that I'm making you miserable. Do you think that I can?" Hoseok sat up and reached out with both hands, letting them slide over his shoulders and chest, soft fingertips brushing over his nipples and travelling further down.

Hyungwon gasped instantly, mind returning to the thoughts he had in the shower and the way he had moved on top of Hoseok, late at night as their fingers intertwined to give him a hold.

"You already are," he whispered because he felt a wave of heat travel towards his face and couldn't help the instant arousal that developed when he sat down on top of Hoseok's lap. He knew that their conversations were intimate and that sleeping with each other didn't solve any problems, but it still felt like another crack in the iron door, one that Hyungwon had yearned for since the first time he witnessed it. "I want you so much, I've been thinking about you, the way it felt to have you inside of me. Sex isn't new for me, but this yearning is."

"Because it's one of those times when I don't feel like a shell." Hoseok inhaled, parting his red mouth and stroking over his thighs and hips, easily removing the towel and leaving him completely naked. "I don't think I will be able to understand you but at the same time I can't help but love the way you are."

Hyungwon smiled and let his eyes flutter shut for a few seconds because he enjoyed Hoseok's hands on his body so much. His own fingers were quick to roam over the muscular chest and trace all the dips until they travelled to Hoseok's hardened nipples and rubbed over them carefully.

"You don't feel like a shell because you aren't one. There just haven't been enough moments to realize it yet and maybe you will, if only you stay long enough." Hyungwon felt overwhelmed by the way Hoseok looked at him, how he caressed him and observed his every motion. The words seemed true, like Hoseok really loved the way he was, independent of his actions. "I don't understand you either, but that doesn't make me want to be with you any less. I want to feel you and fall asleep in my bed afterwards, knowing that I'll see your face when I wake up."

He regretted the words as soon as they were out, mostly because it was demanding of him. Hoseok had only agreed to stay the night and Hyungwon was already trying to chain him to the bedpost, expecting him to wake up in his arms despite his constant fears.

"Would you let me have a taste of you?" Hoseok didn't seem to mind his obsessive thoughts and licked his lips, carefully pulling at his waist. "I want to feel you clench around my tongue and even though I might not look like it, I feel dizzy because I want you so fucking much. I'm just used to suppressing all kinds of desires and needs."

"Fuck," Hyungwon cursed, because he was definitely less eloquent when it came to desire. His fingers were clumsy as they slipped over Hoseok's chest and he followed the light tugs on his waist. Biting down on his bottom lip because he should have said something coherent but wasn't really able to, he turned around, arranging his thighs on each side of Hoseok's head and leaned in to dip his tongue into Hoseok's navel. "I'm the last person that you have to hold back with, I wanted to sleep with you ever since you kissed me outside the office."

"I guess it's because my relationship to skinship is a little fucked up." Hoseok exhaled against his crack and caressed his hips and butt cheeks before pulling him lower and kissing him right there. Hyungwon moaned even though it was more intimate than arousing while licking a wet trail from Hoseok's navel to the waistband of his jeans. He wanted to undress the older man too, to be completely naked in bed with him and feeling dizzy from pleasure.

"Then let me fix it," he whispered and mouthed along the outline of Hoseok's clothed length. His hands were quick to unbutton his jeans, pausing only when his thighs flexed from how good Hoseok's teasing felt.

The words disappeared and made room for Hoseok's low hums that vibrated right where it felt good before he felt the other man's tongue enter his body, accompanied by the soft fingertips pushing into his hips and the twitches that he could see right in front of his face.

_He must like it as much as you do._

His moans got louder and he couldn't believe how easy it was to not stay silent, to just groan when the pleasure coursing through him evoked it. Hoseok was good at what he did and maybe that had also played a part in establishing the relationship that the older man forced himself into. But Hoseok had not even once bothered to be this close to the man he bent over his office desk every night.

_You're still thinking about that, even when you can barely breathe from pleasure._

Hyungwon tugged at Hoseok's jeans and underwear until he was able to free the thick length and brush it over his lips. He enjoyed the texture and the way it felt, how it twitched when he closed his mouth around the tip.

The way the muscular thighs spread was a good sign that Hoseok liked what he was doing. The other man was pulling him lower and moaned when he clenched around his tongue.

"I want you," the low voice whispered when Hoseok lifted his hips a bit to be able to talk.

A tremble passed through his thighs and Hyungwon let go of the wet tip before hurriedly pulling Hoseok's pants and underwear all the way off. He wanted him to be completely undressed and feel every inch of skin when their hips met.

Only for a brief moment Hyungwon wondered if Hoseok had been able to read his intentions from the hint of strawberry lube that he used. His face was burning and his lips were swollen, no matter how briefly he used them to please Hoseok. He turned around and climbed on top of Hoseok's lap, hovering above it as he reached for a bottle of lube he kept next to the bed.

"Like this?" he whispered quietly while pouring some right on top of Hoseok's exposed tip, suddenly realizing that he had definitely lost his mind.

_He's not even dating you and you already want him bare._

"You- want me like that?" Hoseok asked. His eyes were wide and he was breathing heavily, delicate hands stroking over his thighs and expression unreadable.

For a second Hyungwon considered taking it back, pretending that he wasn't that crazy and obsessed about having Hoseok, having something nobody else got from the older man.

_You're still thinking that way, holding onto the threads that make you different from the others._

"Yeah," he breathed out and threw the bottle to the side before lining Hoseok's length up with his body, brushing the wet tip over his entrance. It felt fucking amazing. "Will you let me?"

"If that's what you really want. Yes." Hoseok exhaled and lifted his hands from his hips to reach for his face, stroking over his cheek and lips.

Hyungwon gasped from the gesture alone, overwhelmed by how easily Hoseok must have seen through him, been able to tell that this was meaningful to him and something he very much desired. He bit down on his bottom lip and nodded before relaxing and carefully sliding down Hoseok's length, letting it fill him out and pull at his muscles. A soft moan left his lips, loud enough to be audible and he reached out to cover Hoseok's hand with his own.

He loved the way it felt, how warm and firm it was, how Hoseok's thighs were touching his own because there was no space left. He also loved the warm fingers on his cheek, how tender they were even though Hyungwon was basically preparing to ride the other man.

"You're what I really want," he whispered and finally dared to look at Hoseok's face, to find out if it felt just as intense for the other man even though he wasn't moving yet.

Quick breaths left the curved mouth as their gazes met and Hoseok held his breath, looking at him and letting his hands caress his arms and chest, his hips and thighs, stroking over his length and spreading the precum that developed on the tip.

"Do you… like it?"

Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth and shifted, pulling a moan from his own lips and a gasp from Hoseok's curved ones. It looked gorgeous and he basked in the thought that Hoseok only felt this way with him, as close as possible as their thighs touched and those delicate hands roamed over his body.

"Can't you read it on my face?" he murmured and carefully lifted his hips, making sure to relax sufficiently before he sank down with a roll, trembling from the onslaught of pleasure and how Hoseok looked at him. "I wish there was a way to never let you leave my body."

"I-" the low voice started before a gorgeous moan left the red mouth. "I sometimes still remember snippets of being close to somebody else and I feel like having sex with you all the time so there are no other memories left."

"Stabilize me?" Hyungwon asked and lifted his palms into the air, waiting for Hoseok to grasp them so he could build up a rhythm. He wanted to go faster, to blur his senses until Hoseok wanted him enough to take over and fuck him into the mattress.

It didn't take long for the delicate fingers to slip in between his own and for Hyungwon to realize that it didn't matter how delicate Hoseok's hands were, the strength he possessed was immense. He didn't say it, but that only fueled his arousal further as he lifted his hips in a quick rhythm before slamming them down and making his whole body tremble. It felt amazing, the whole combination of it. Hoseok's sounds, the way he felt inside him, that Hyungwon could have him like this, that those black eyes couldn't look away from him even though the pleasure must have been distracting. He loved it all and couldn't get enough, moaning loudly hoping for Hoseok to just throw him on the bed and drive him mad.

"Shit," he cursed when he couldn't bear it anymore and lifted off Hoseok's dick, hating himself a little for bringing the emptiness upon himself. "I want you deep, come here."

He threw himself on the white sheets next to Hoseok, resting on his stomach with his behind lifted a few centimeters in the air and trying to catch his breath.

"Please fuck me," he muttered and curled and uncurled his fingers a few times because he was so aroused that he wanted to scream at Hoseok to do it.

"Fuck, I want you so much that it makes me dizzy," Hoseok hissed and settled on top of him with his muscular thighs on each side of his hips. The soft fingers stroked over his ass before slapping it once and he felt the broad tip pushing against his entrance and slipping inside him.

He whimpered and dug his fingers into the sheets before trying to push back and feel more, a little delirious because the angle was so good.

"Fuck me up," he gasped and clenched on purpose to urge Hoseok on, knowing that it must feel fucking perfect while being completely buried inside of him. "Make me scream."

"I want you to scream as much as you like," the older man leaned forward and whispered right into his ear before leaning back and starting to move his hips. Hyungwon moaned loudly and scratched over the sheets as he pushed his hips up roughly to meet the thrust. The spark of pleasure was incomparable and he did it again and again, encouraging Hoseok to be rougher with him as his moans got louder and more and more breathless.

When he lifted his hips slightly and felt like he was about to faint as soon as Hoseok thrust forward, he screamed and didn't dare to move his hips anymore. Instead he begged Hoseok to keep going just like that, to fuck him senseless as he mixed screams with variations of Hoseok's name. He could feel his orgasm build with every thrust, every moan that entered his ear and every time their skin slapped together, making him scream. When he felt so close that he could taste it in the air, Hyungwon barely muttered a warning before his whole body spasmed and Hoseok kept adding additional sparks with each thrust of his hips.

"Fucking hell," he gasped, but his voice was so rough that he couldn't even recognize it, vision blurry despite wearing contacts. Hoseok's hips hadn't stilled completely and he loved it, still pushing back lazily.

_This won't be enough for you, will it?_

"I don't want to stop," Hoseok breathed out and rolled his hips slowly, teasing himself and Hyungwon at the same time.

"Then don't," he replied and clenched once more, aware that they were both sweaty and breathless, but that didn't really matter. "Have me the way you want."

The words were all the encouragement Hoseok needed to pull out, turn him so that he lay on his back and sit between his legs, stretching his muscular ones out on each side of his body. A second passed before he was filled out by the thick length, just at the right angle and Hoseok started to move his hips, using his hands to have more leverage and giving hyungwon more reason to be aroused because of the sight of the muscles bulging with every motion.

_He's so fucking gorgeous, of course you want to make him yours in every way possible._

"Shit- this feels good," he mumbled and threw his head back, basking in the pleasure as his arousal returned as if it had never been gone in the first place. "You're so fucking good at this. Please-"

The attractive moans didn't make it any easier and Hoseok seemed to know pretty well what he was doing, as he shifted and hit dead on, mercilessly using the found spot to pull screams from his lips and reacting to them with rougher thrusts.

Hyungwon was throwing his head from side to side and reached out to wrap his fingers around Hoseok's thighs. He loved the way they flexed and the red lines that his nails left when he lost it for a few seconds and screamed his heart out.

"I want you to be mine," he moaned in his delirium and pushed back again, clouding his vision in white for a second or two. "I'll make you mine."

Hoseok didn't reply and slammed his hips into his body, moaning loudly before going slower all of a sudden. "I- I'm close," the gorgeous man commented breathlessly with sweat dripping from his nose once in a while.

"Then let me feel it," he breathed out and let his nails travel over Hoseok's thighs again, enjoying the way they tensed and how gone Hoseok seemed, much like himself. Hyungwon didn't dare close his eyes no matter how good it felt. He didn't want to miss a single second as he purposefully contracted to pull Hoseok over the edge.

"Fuck, Hyungwon," Hoseok gasped and thrust forward, twitching inside his body and coming with an additional moan of his name. The broad body was covered in a thin layer of sweat and glistened under his lights, making Hoseok seem so much more beautiful than he already was.

Hyungwon didn't say anything and merely tried to catch his breath as warmth spread throughout his abdomen and his eyes refused to look away from Hoseok's face and body, as he recovered from his orgasm while still staying inside of him and twitching once in a while.

"You're mine," he whispered again, knowing how ridiculous that must have sounded but he didn't care. "I won't let anybody else have you, not even that flame you speak of."

"I'm yours?" the low voice asked and Hoseok's black eyes settled on him, gaze deep and intense. "It sounds so strange. I don't think anybody wanted to have me before."

"And yet they did," he whispered as his hands kept stroking over Hoseok's thighs and every inch of skin he could reach. "But now they won't because you're mine. I won't let them."

Hoseok glanced to the side and picked up the tissue box before pulling out a few tissues and cleaning him up. It was silent and only the rustling sounds of the tissues and sheets surrounded them until the broad body lay next to him and pulled him into an embrace. "Then don't," Hoseok breathed into his ear.

***

His eyes opened at five in the morning. It was surprising and he didn’t think that he would be able to sleep more than two hours in a bed that wasn’t his, in the arms of somebody else, unmoving and without having a nightmare or a panic attack, but Hyungwon was like that. Like a miracle that only confirmed that the tall man was an exception. In his experience, the world didn’t contain people like Hyungwon, people who invested so much effort into picking up his pieces that didn’t fit together, suffering through watching him with somebody else but kept looking at him with eyes full of affection. People who still said that he deserved love and spent days preparing a submission for a patent in his name that he didn’t deserve.

_It’s his. You didn’t do anything for it, Hoseok. You can’t let him do it._

A convict always stayed a convict. That’s what he was told in jail and thinking about it, it was true. He couldn’t accept that Hyungwon did something that foolish and selfless, so when Hyungwon was taking a shower last night, he simply took the meticulously prepared documents, folded them carefully and put them into the pocket of his leather jacket.

_You can submit it, but in his name. That way he will at least have something when you have to go back._

Why did he think about going back to prison even after he had spent an evening talking about his feelings and having mind-blowing sex that made him feel alive? Because Hyungwon was not there to fix his broken life. The tall man wasn’t his answer to everything. He was a person of his own and only got involved because Hoseok couldn’t act properly with anyone he came in contact with.

_But you want him. You fucking want him, Hoseok. You want him so much that thinking about being away from him triggers your anxiety._

He had lied, when he told Hyungwon about being scared of closed doors. Yes, he was claustrophobic, and closed doors reminded him of the cell, of being watched, of the eyes on him and his shell no matter what he did, but strangely… strangely he imagined going to the dark wooden door and locking it. Locking it from the inside so they could stay in there forever. So he didn’t have to go out and do anything, deal with his feelings, with his problems, with his revenge and with the fact that the zippo flame inside him was burning him more than it illuminated the void inside his chest.

He needed to move, so he shifted carefully and slipped from the tight embrace that he missed as soon as it was gone. It was scary how one got used to the good things, to comfort and attention from another person. To the strange situation that suddenly there was somebody who wanted to listen to him, to what he thought and felt. Somebody who was willing to share his comfortable bed and cosy warmth of his body beyond any arousal. It was unreal.

_Maybe you are supposed to suffer? To get a glimpse of the beauty before it gets taken away from you again._

Somehow he had gotten used to the thought, but what about Hyungwon? What about the words that the other man said about not letting him go? That he was precious and Hyungwon wanted to keep him close? How would it feel if he was suddenly gone, unable to receive visits apart from once every four weeks.

_Now you want him to visit you there? No way._

Nobody should go there. Not even to visit somebody. There was no way that he would tell Hyungwon where he would have to go and probably let himself be sent somewhere far away from Milan.

Sitting naked on a comfortable bed in a cozy apartment and thinking about the location of his imprisonment was a pretty accurate picture of his mental state. His head hurt and he reached for his back, massaging his sore muscles. How did he end up feeling like he belonged even though he didn’t? Was it Hyungwon’s fault? The beautiful man made it impossible to focus on anything else apart from the emotional gaze, the gorgeous body and the words that hit right where it hurt in the best possible way.

_You ended up here because you were worried about what Roberto wanted from him, Hoseok._

How could he completely forget about something as important as that? Didn’t Hyungwon say that it was something substantial? He didn’t even ask even though his laptop lay on Hyungwon’s desk closed and waiting for him to use it.

_What do you want more, Hoseok?_

He lifted both hands and massaged his temples, trying to get rid of the headache that appeared when there were no good answers to his own questions, when life started getting complicated and solutions slipped between his fingers. Exhaling briefly, he glanced at the beautiful black-haired man who was sleeping, arms lifted over his head and lips slightly parted. Hyungwon looked so peaceful. As if nothing could happen to him, to his happiness, to his comfort and his world as he knew it.

Hoseok stared for a few moments, overwhelmed by the sight before he crawled back under the blanket, wrapping his arms around the breathtakingly beautiful human and preferred to act as if nothing could happen to him either.

_

His attire was carefully picked and was inspired by the way computer science students dressed when they wanted to get laid and he was thankful that he didn't attract any attention and nobody cared about him. Not even the old lady who made sure that nobody was loud or was watching porn on the library computers.

_She did glance weirdly the last few times that you came. Probably because Hyungwon sucked you off in the esoteric section and you keep going there._

One could have thought Hoseok was well versed in dealing with people, aware of what to do and say to get what he wanted, but in reality he was stumbling around life like an idiot trying to make sense of everything and attempting to prevent himself from getting stepped on.

_That hasn't worked out very well so far._

The esoteric section was the best place to not be seen, to be able to stretch out his legs or roll around like a crazy bastard when his limbs fell asleep. Nobody ever went here, so he had the whole space for himself, sitting on the carpet with his legs crossed and his laptop placed on a book titled ‘Predicting the Future With Tarot Cards’. He wondered what that piece of fiction cost the university library.

_Not your business. Your business is making sure your laptop doesn’t overheat on your lap like last time and you lose one of the transactions like an idiot._

Hoseok started his self-developed software that was monitoring Roberto’s actions over three different companies and over thirty different financial products to detect the smallest movement.

_He should be panicking by now._

He was wondering how he would know if Roberto was panicking, but unfortunately his first guess was that the piece of shit would come running to Hyungwon.

_Would he tell you? He probably knows that you took the patent. He just doesn’t know that you submitted it. He won’t thank you for it, but at least now he can say that knowing you has resulted in some kind of positive outcome for him._

Lifting one hand to scratch his head, he pulled his hood over his hair and leaned against the wall, staring at the lines of code that appeared, waiting for something exciting to happen.

The excitement didn't come to him in the form of an alert, but rather through steps in the neighboring row that suddenly stopped instead of continuing by.

_Some ghost-like fucker._

Before Hoseok could get up and pretend that he was interested in obscure subjects, a tall figure appeared at the end of his section and leaned against one of the shelves. A big hand reached out and knocked against the wood before Hyungwon's plump lips murmured 'knock knock' with a smile. The boy was dressed in ripped jeans and a deep blue pullover, not quite what Hoseok was used to. Only the thick glasses were familiar.

_He doesn’t look angry. Maybe he didn’t notice. But then again he probably wondered why you didn’t contact him._

Lifting his hand, he knocked on the wall he was leaning on and smiled briefly. “Before you say anything, let me tell you that I secretly installed a safe chat program that I made myself on your pc and you probably saw it and wondered why the fuck I would install it and not write a single fucking thing, but I can explain. I did it and then I remembered that Roberto would panic and come to you, but I didn’t know when that would be, so I didn’t want to write you anything that might implicate you. Should I maybe just choke him?” he finished and sighed, stressed from his own voiced thoughts that involved Hyungwon having anything to do with that piece of shit.

"You're supposed to say 'who's there' when somebody says 'knock knock', but maybe you're younger than you look. Younger than me." Hyungwon was still smiling as he made his way over to him before the slim boy sat down and glanced over his shoulder. "I knew that it was you reversing his attempts to hide his transactions and here is the evidence. Now we only need to get rid of it."

_Huh?_

“Okay, but why are you involved in this?” he asked and turned, tilting his head and staring the handsome man down as well as he could.

"Because _Romeo_ came to me all desperate and asked if I could make some transactions 'invisible'. He gave me info and access to a bunch of stuff and since then I've been living in a heap of books on investment banking." Hyungwon grinned suddenly and lifted his phone where he was currently working his way through a few transactions without adjusting them yet.

“I see, so I just have to get you out of the way,” he commented with a serious face, before biting his lip because he was an idiot who was happy to see Hyungwon and couldn’t make his facial expressions listen to him for once.

"You will have to chop off this hand and step over my dead body," Hyungwon replied, expression just as serious only that the black-haired boy seemed pretty good at it, pointing at the hand holding his phone. It lasted a few seconds until Hyungwon suddenly grabbed his face and kissed him on the mouth, keeping their lips connected for a moment or two before leaning back. "Seriously though, I had to reverse some of the things you did to convince him that I know what I'm doing. You're faster though, you must be using that software of yours."

Hoseok wished he had the processing speed of his laptop instead of having to use his brain that just blacked out for the few seconds that he stared at Hyungwon with his lips parted. When way too much time passed to downplay it, he cleared his throat and reached for the phone in Hyungwon’s hand, quickly taking it and glancing at the screen, but of course it was locked. He didn’t know why he kept trying.

“I see. Yeah, I’m using the software I thought up before going to jail and then while in there I had enough time to be overly obsessed with it and how I could use it to destroy him, so it took me two weeks to write the code into the syntax and to make it work almost without a single bug. That’s nuts, right? But actually, it's not that crazy if you think about how much time I had to simulate all kinds of outcomes in my head, all alone in that cell with the moldy spot on the ceiling.”

"I know there are a lot of things you said that I should be more concerned with, but to be honest I'm terribly afraid of mold and the fact that they did nothing to get rid of it freaks me out." Hyungwon chuckled, sounding a little nervous and unlocked his phone before handing it to him. There wasn't even a single moment of hesitation involved, as if Hyungwon knew exactly what he was doing and it didn't matter that he had been counteracting some of Hoseok's measures to get to Roberto. A glance at the phone screen revealed that Hyungwon did indeed have direct access to two of Roberto's accounts. "You're a genius too and shouldn't be wasting your time on this. We could solve so many problems in this world, Hoseok, but we're sitting in the esoteric section of the university library and playing with transactions. Doesn't that feel dull to you?"

_Because it has no importance for him._

"That's because he didn't ruin your life and put you in jail for absolutely nothing. Let's say not for nothing. For something that he did. I paid his price, so he's going to pay me back," Hoseok muttered, looking at the hidden transactions to be able to locate them now that he had the security codes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound like it was meaningless. I just feel like you enjoyed testing the security system of the identity verification program more than this." Hyungwon rested his hands on his lap as Hoseok worked and only when he felt the boy's head on his shoulder he realized that time must have passed. "I know I asked you this before, but does this make you happy? How does it feel when you do all those things?"

"Bitterness combined with the feeling of excitement when I manage to get through some security measures that he applied thinking nobody would get him. I don't know. I just know that he must be fucking scared now because I dropped my lighter into his expensive designer bag and he knows for certain that it's me because it was a gift from him. That's probably why he asked you for help. Because he hopes that you are somebody who can fight me." He smiled because even though Hyungwon was way better with security systems, he was really good when it came to investment banking. There was no way for Roberto to escape.

"There is one thing I don't understand," Hyungwon murmured next to him as fingers wrapped around his arm, pulling his attention away from his screen. Hyungwon's eyes were big, even behind his glasses and the boy's plump bottom lip had disappeared in his mouth. "After everything he did to you… why did you keep his gifts?"

He smiled because it might have seemed like nostalgia but it wasn't. Not at all.

"To remember and to give them back when I'm done with him. I sacrificed the lighter first to make him panic because he didn't give a shit, not even thinking that it could've been me, but now he knows and now you might see what that means." He leaned to the side and kissed Hyungwon's forehead before focusing his attention on the laptop screen that started blinking with alerts.

_It's starting._

"He was shaking when he came yesterday, didn't even bother to greet Matteo," Hyungwon murmured and leaned closer to observe what he was doing, warm exhales repeatedly brushing over his neck.

_Because he doesn't give a shit about anybody but himself._

"I hope that he was shaking. Because I was shaking too after he told me that he would get breakfast for us and the police came instead of him." Hoseok clenched and unclenched his fist before opening another window that counted the shares that the asshole tried to move from one company to another. To the company he had anonymously purchased shares from.

_Perfect. Fucking idiot._

"Would you like to know what's happening, so you can testify too if they catch you because you were fucking around with a criminal?"

Hyungwon tensed at his words before suddenly leaning into his personal space and blocking the screen with his handsome face.

"I want to know what's happening because I'm curious about your skills and how you're doing this. I'm also curious because I don't know shit about finances, probably comes along with having no money, but if I have a say in something, then it's that nobody is going to fucking catch you. You're staying right here." Again he felt lips against his before Hyungwon moved back to his spot against the wall and exhaled roughly. "I told you that I'm not giving you to anybody, I don't care if they're the fucking police or not."

He didn't have anything to say to that because the discussion involved uncomfortable thoughts about his anxiety and he was just about to tighten the noose around Roberto's neck a tiny bit more if it worked out.

"I can only suggest that you drop me as soon as the police get involved. I'm trying my best to delay it as long as possible but until then… look." Hoseok pointed at the screen and switched to the window that showed Roberto shifting money by 'buying' financial products from his own illegal business to inflate the worth of the bogus company. It was all nicely shown in a graph. "He is trying to cover up a big sum of money that he made with illegal businesses by selling non-existent financial products to his own company. He must be pretty panicky because he's forgotten what happened with that company a few weeks ago." When there had been no transactions for over two minutes he switched the window and logged into his protected account, waiting until the stocks were at their highest value before he dropped them into the market. The graph looked amazing, a cliff like fall that lessened the stock worth and gave him a ton of money that he didn't really need. "1-0," he whispered.

_Not really. More like nothing will ever be enough._

"Did you just- get rich in a matter of seconds?" Hyungwon whispered next to him, obviously in awe. He could feel how the big eyes switched from his screen to his face examining him intently. "Is that why you bought all his shares? So when he tries to save his company you can release them into the market and make them worthless? What does this mean for him?"

"It means that his company is worth nothing and he lost the money he tried to save," he murmured, staring at the gigantic sum of money that graced his account. Wasn't it supposed to feel good? He thought it would feel fair, as if Roberto finally got a taste of what he deserved, but instead, he felt nothing except a bit of disgust at the money because he knew that it was made with illegal shit and he just took it away from Roberto, but it didn't make it any better. "He lost a lot of money right now and is probably panicking really hard," he added without hearing a single emotion in his own voice.

_Why don't you feel anything?_

He clicked between the windows, watching as the stock values fell even lower because other shareholders probably panicked too and caused a complete crash.

_Why aren't you happy?_

Leaning against the wall, he stared at the screen without saying a single word and wondered why he suddenly wanted to bury his face in Hyungwon's neck and just breathe the pleasant scent of his skin without thinking of anything at all.

"And how does that make you feel?" Hyungwon asked quietly before taking his laptop and putting it aside. Hoseok didn't even bother to stop him because he had done what he wanted to do, even if it didn't feel like an accomplishment. A hand appeared on his thigh, squeezing briefly before it travelled up his arm to his shoulders and back.

"I don't know. I feel nothing," he whispered and stared into nothing at all. Instead of a panic attack or other signs of anxiety that he usually experienced, he felt numb. Numb and empty.

Hyungwon only hummed in reply and held onto him, not saying a word but stroking over his hair and back.

"I hate this," he exhaled and clenched his fists, and held his breath, feeling the emptiness within him. "It's like nothing will ever help me to stop feeling like this."

Again there was silence, but Hoseok felt warm fingertips drawing patterns on his nape until Hyungwon suddenly shifted and climbed on top of his lap. He registered the weight on top of him, but not much else until Hyungwon's palm cupped his face and tilted it upwards, making him look at the boy's face. The thick lenses were keeping him from seeing those big eyes, but it seemed like Hyungwon knew as he removed them and placed them on top of a small stack of books Hoseok had used as an armrest.

The boy's hands kept cupping his face and traced the form of his ear until hot lips met his in a kiss. It was slow and deep, plump mouth applying pressure to his until Hyungwon leaned back and kissed his forehead briefly.

"But it's okay to feel like that." Hyungwon's voice was no more than a whisper as he purposefully leaned in to connect their chests. "Don't blame yourself, Hoseok."

_But you are to blame._

“Please don't worry about me. You are doing everything to make this feel less bitter, to make everything feel less like shit. It’s me who isn’t able to appreciate it.” He closed his eyes and pressed his lips together, wondering how his excitement turned into a feeling of emptiness that was burning his insides.

_Maybe there’s a flaw in your code._

"You make it sound like you have no right to feel like shit, but we all do," Hyungwon murmured and kept playing with his hair. "You don't need to appreciate what I do. I'm grateful that you allow me to be this close and be next to you when you feel like that."

Hoseok wanted to run away. To run and hide the fact that he wasn’t happy, that his revenge didn’t bring the desired peace of mind and the fairness that he missed out on while growing up and caused him to spend eighteen months in prison for someone else's crimes. Now he was sitting on a carpet in some library next to a man who, for some reason, liked him enough to care that he wasn’t happy.

_You thought you would be alone in this._

“Why- do you care about me so much?” he asked like an idiot. It was a little pathetic, but he didn’t expect a confession or compliments. He was wondering if he would understand.

"How honest do you want me to be?" Hyungwon replied and reached out to slip his long fingers into his bangs and uncover Hoseok's forehead. Brown eyes examined his intently as Hyungwon leaned closer, closer than usual since he wasn't wearing his glasses. "Maybe it's because I'm half-blind, but your eyes have a different effect without the bangs. I like it."

“That’s the reason?” He chuckled and licked his lips, before glancing up at Hyungwon’s big eyes and the look that made them special.

"Maybe it's one of the many minor ones." Hyungwon smiled and kissed his forehead briefly. "But you still didn't tell me how honest you want me to be, how much you are willing to hear."

_Can you handle the truth? Why is he asking? Is it something bad?_

He swallowed and allowed his hands to circle Hyungwon’s narrow waist, smiling at how fluffy the fabric of his sweater was. “Is being honest something bad? Why wouldn’t I be able to handle the truth?”

Hyungwon seemed nervous suddenly, glancing to the side and chewing on his cheek before he smiled again. "Well, you seemed rather terrified of somebody caring about you before, telling me to stay away and run while I still could. I thought you might not want to hear the extent to which I have feelings for you."

_His feelings for you…_

Feelings, huh? Hoseok had some too, quite a lot if he was honest. Feelings that overwhelmed him as soon as he was somewhere close to Hyungwon, when the handsome man smiled at him or looked worried about what he was doing. He felt it every time they kissed or he thought about randomly taking the big palm into his, when the full cheek looked so soft that he wanted to reach out, or when Hyungwon’s glasses didn’t sit well on his round nose and it made him smile. Feelings.

“I was terrified of hurting you, Hyungwon. I still am. That’s about it.” He wanted to say more, especially his opinion on how the other man’s previous partners ruined his self-esteem to an extent that he was scared to talk about his feelings and emotional attachment.

_Or it’s you._

“Is it really because of me?” he added, glancing into the big eyes.

"I just don't want to unload a bucket full of feelings on you when you are still figuring out your own. It's pressuring and you're the last person I want to pressure," Hyungwon replied softly and kissed him, lips meeting for a few seconds and leaving a pleasant tingle as the boy leaned back. "Most people don't want to talk about their feelings because they fear rejection. That's not quite the case with me. I- I don't want to influence you into believing that you feel the same because of what I might tell you."

_That's quite some warning for a reply to a question._

“Do you want me to talk about my feelings?” he asked and chewed on his lips. He wasn’t ready to talk about his feelings at all because they mostly ended in guilt and Armageddon-like scenarios, but the way Hyungwon handled it seemed so wrong. As if having feelings and talking about them was something bad. “I can’t tell you about any experiences of people sharing their feelings with me because nobody ever did,” he whispered.

Hyungwon's eyes widened, eyebrows rising up until they disappeared behind the boy's bangs. The obvious surprise wasn't directed at his question, but must have stemmed from the realization that nobody had shared their feelings with him before.

_Because that’s weird._

"I'm definitely in love with you," Hyungwon whispered before swallowing and nervously playing with the fabric of his hoodie. "I keep looking for ways to tie you to the here and now instead of the goals you are following because I want you to be with me instead of a hypothetical nothing that you imagine. I care about you because you're an affectionate person and no matter how much I found out and invaded your privacy, you still kept protecting me, be it from yourself or from others. You have a gorgeous smile that you rarely show, but when you do I feel just about ready to give you everything I own even if it's not a lot. Yeah- it's- a lot of feelings."

Hoseok stared and only managed to blink, trying to process that somebody was talking about loving him right that moment. His stomach turned upside down and his skin was tingling, suddenly the warmth of Hyungwon’s palm seemed like fire against his skin. Inhaling sharply, he blinked again, mouth parting but instead of speaking he just inhaled again.

_He is in love with you. There is a person that is actually in love with you, Hoseok._

"You don't have to do anything about it, really. I'm just feeling kind of good that I said it without you whispering confessions you don't mean in my ear before fucking me against a bookshelf. I know you wouldn't do that, but it still feels good to experience it firsthand." Hyungwon was speaking quickly, as if to fill the silence that surrounded them. The slim chest was rising and falling rapidly and Hyungwon's fingers dug into his shoulders, just enough to feel each fingertip. Suddenly the boy chuckled. "Of course it would be a shameless lie if I told you that I didn't want you inside of me every single second, but that doesn't quite fit with all the emotional things I just dumped on you. God, you turn me into a babbling mess and I haven't even said half the stuff I want to."

“I don’t know what to say apart from that it feels so much better than making 200 thousand euros by tricking my ex-boyfriend and crashing his bogus company.” It wasn’t a very sensitive thing to say after all the emotional confessions that Hyungwon shared with him, but it was the only thing his brain was capable of right at that moment. The difference between his feelings when he stared at the sum of money in his account and Hyungwon’s eyes when he whispered that he was in love, that he cared, was as clear as day. “Would you kiss me?” he whispered, chewing on his lips from nervousness.

The gorgeous boy on his lap didn't reply, but Hoseok saw the hint of a smile and felt air against his mouth when Hyungwon leaned in and connected their lips. Lean arms wrapped tightly around his neck and Hyungwon's thighs narrowed around his own, enveloping him in the boy's warmth and his scent.

_How can this feel so good?_

First he hesitated, but as soon as Hyungwon’s full lips parted and he felt the warm tongue, he wrapped his arms tightly around the slim body and kissed back deeply, showing with his whole body how much it meant to him, how intense it felt and that he was thankful that there was a person who felt close enough to share such intimate thoughts.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 11

Hyungwon had made his way towards the iron tower that Hoseok hid behind and fought his way through a bunch of defenses. He had seen the pain and destructive thoughts that Hoseok dealt with and still stayed because he cared about the older man as a person, about what lay behind all of those things that Hoseok was left with after spending such a long time in jail.

He had fought his way to get close and now that there was a crack in the heavy iron door, he simply confessed his feelings without considering the consequences. Maybe he was being too careful, too used to receiving meaningless confessions in return for his own because it made it easier to get close to him.

_You didn't expect him to do that, but you thought he might push you away, too afraid of the implications._

But Hoseok didn't push him away. Instead the beautiful man that he had so many feelings for told him the one thing that was more meaningful than a confession.

_Your feelings for him make him happier than the revenge he has been planning for months, saying it is the only thing he's capable of._

Hyungwon was still breathless after their intimate kisses behind thick bookshelves, as he pulled Hoseok out of the library and they made their way towards Hoseok's car. Maybe it was unfair of him to use the moment to convince Hoseok to come to his place again, but Hyungwon didn't want the older man to be alone, not now.

_You don't know what he might convince himself of, whether he will forget the way he feels next to you to keep persuing revenge._

Hyungwon wanted him to stop so badly, to give up on punishing Roberto and focus on his own projects and his own happiness instead. If he could only get access to some of Hoseok's programs, there were so many things he might be able to do.

_He stole your prepared patent, so you'll have to find something else._

Just because Hoseok took away one source of stability that Hyungwon wanted to create, it didn't mean that he couldn't create another.

His fingers were playing with Hoseok's thigh and he drummed the melody that was playing on the radio, a pop song that sounded like any other. When they turned into the right street and Hoseok glanced around to find a parking spot, Hyungwon realized that he barely knew anything about Hoseok's interests apart from programming and finance.

"What kind of music do you actually like?" he asked and watched in awe as Hoseok squeezed his car into the smallest of parking spots, as if he mathematically calculated how it was going to fit best.

"I haven't had an opportunity to enjoy any lately, but back in the day I listened to rock with my headphones while writing code." Hoseok looked insecure at first but then he was blessed with a smile.

"Really? I didn't take you as somebody who likes rock at first. But you do fit the cliché." Hyungwon grinned before climbing out of the car and waiting for Hoseok to do the same. Somehow that random piece of information made him happy.

"I mostly listen to ballads and sad stuff," he commented as he hurried to his building and unlocked the door. Having Hoseok with him always felt a little surreal. "Minhyuk always says that life is sad enough without me making it sadder, but I can't really help it I guess." He chuckled and brushed through his hair, waiting for Hoseok to follow him up the stairs.

_You're running ahead so excitedly, is it because of the way he reacted to your confession?_

"Is Minhyuk one of your siblings?" Hoseok ran up the stairs easily and lifted up and down on his toes as he waited for him to unlock the door.

_A valid assumption._

"No, he's my friend that talks a lot, the one you saw at the library." Hyungwon hurried up and let both of them in, wondering how long Hoseok was able to sit still for without doing anything. While programming the older man seemed really focused, it was the same when Hyungwon was breaking his own defenses to test them. Maybe it was rather about the awareness of not moving than not moving itself?

He took off his jacket and gestured for Hoseok to do the same before making his way towards the fridge and checking if there was anything remotely edible that he could offer a man of Hoseok's size.

"If you like I can tell you the names of my siblings too, but you'll probably struggle to remember. There are six currently, but that's only the ones living with my parents right now." He grabbed the mozzarella cheese and decided he could probably make something edible with that, some decent spices and macaroni. Poor excuse for decent food but it might work. "How picky are you with food and is there something you don't eat?"

"Oh, you can tell me their names. I told you my memory is amazing. I still know the name of Roberto's second cousin from Pisa. I also know the name of his cousin's dog." Hoseok walked around him aimlessly before leaning against the part of the kitchen counter that he didn't occupy. "I can eat anything. You?"

_Holy shit, it must be so difficult for him if he remembers it all so well._

"My mother says I was super picky as a child but later on I felt lucky if I got any food. I improvise a lot with cooking, can't go wrong with fresh ingredients." He checked his veggie basket and found some tomatoes that still smelled delicious. "We could make a sauce with those. How do you feel about cooking? Too domestic?"

_Why would you point out that it's domestic? One might think you're afraid of committing._

"What does that mean? You don't like cooking? You don't have to cook for me. Or do you want me to cook? I wouldn't risk it." Hoseok chuckled, observing him and his attempts to distract from the fact that he was kind of nervous having the older man at his home again.

"I actually like cooking," he muttered and felt stupid suddenly. Hoseok didn't even have a kitchen and had probably eaten prison food for ages. "I meant whether you enjoy cooking. We could- cut what's there, make a sauce and eat it with some macaroni. That's what I thought. There's not much space to cook, but it's enough to cut some veggies."

_You're still happy, but so fucking nervous._

Maybe the problem was that Hyungwon rarely had his lovers' time for long enough to do much apart from lie in bed, have sex and maybe talk a little.

_Just like lovers do._

"I can cut things well." Hoseok turned quickly, took a knife from the knife block, swung it in his healthy hand and grinned. "Do you think I will be strange now? Because you shared your feelings?"

_Strange?_

"You mean act different around me because you know that I'm in love with you?" Hyungwon tried not to think about whether Hoseok was making jokes about slicing people's throats or not. He could definitely imagine the older man threatening somebody, but he didn't really need a knife for that. "You're the one who said that the possibility of me being in love doesn't change anything about your anxiety. You said it right there." He gestured towards his bed.

_Why are you feeling so happy? Nothing is happening._

He chewed on his cheek and briefly glanced towards the laptop that Hoseok placed on top of his desk. That was already pretty good.

_You could make sure he has more reasons to stay around, something to look forward to._

Hyungwon looked for a cutting board until he found a thick one and handed it to Hoseok along with the tomatoes and mozzarella. "Just cut it all in tiny cubes, it'll mix better for the sauce."

"Then why are you looking at me like that and asking whether you're allowed to cook?" Suddenly the knife flew into the air before Hoseok caught it, finishing it off with another grin. "I can do all kinds of knife tricks. There was this guy in the cell across from mine, he had a knife and if you didn't want to get anything cut off, you watched him do tricks. At some point he taught me. It's actually really fun."

Hyungwon stared, unsure how to react at first. In the end he decided for the most obvious question.

"Why… was the guy allowed to have a knife in the first place?"

_Sometimes he speaks about it as if it was nothing even though it must have been gruesome._

"Because the warden never managed to find it. He wasn't allowed to have one, of course not, but it was good that he had one because we had a deal that he would kill me if I didn't manage to get released after two years. But that's a depressing topic, and I managed to leave, so let's talk about mozzarella, I guess." Hoseok cut the cheese into tiny cubes. "Did you cook with any of those people who were assholes to you?"

Hyungwon shook his head silently until he decided there was no point in keeping quiet about it. Hoseok wasn't keeping quiet about some crazy bastard wanting to kill him either.

"He was never here for long enough to have time to cook. Usually it was sex and some talking. Most of the time we met at some location he considered exciting to make sure his wife didn't get suspicious. Later on he preferred to be at his place because that got him going." Sighing, he filled a small pot with water and placed it on the stove. "But why would anybody in prison want to kill you? Aren't you just another guy to them?"

Hoseok hummed when he told him about his ex-lover and kept cutting the tomatoes, before replying. "Because I asked him to. That was the deal."

_He asked him to?_

At first Hyungwon didn't understand, eyes widening as he leaned against the wall and observed the way Hoseok cut everything much faster than he would have been able to. Only later, when he remembered the way Hoseok spoke of prison, he realized that it must have been his way to escape if he couldn't in the end.

"You must have wanted to die," he whispered and stepped closer, hands only slowly wrapping around Hoseok's waist because he didn't want the older man to hurt himself accidentally.

_He's been hurt enough._

"Please don't go back, you don't have to." The words left his lips quicker than he was able to reflect on them. Even though Hyungwon shouldn't have said them, they weren't any less true. He didn't want Hoseok to go back, no matter who the fuck was going to make him.

_You told him that he's yours and you're not giving him to anybody, not even the police._

"You think I want to?" Hoseok asked quietly and placed the big knife next to the freshly cut cubes, one palm covering his hand. "I think if hell exists it must be there, but then, sometimes when I can't sleep, I think that my mind is true hell because no matter where I am, I still feel like this."

"But that's what I don't understand, Hoseok. Why would you go back if you don't want to? You have a choice, a choice to decide against all of this, especially if it makes you miserable." His voice didn't sound like him and he hated it because the topic made him emotional. He always sounded less credible when he was emotional. "I mean- it's selfish of me, but… maybe you could choose me instead? I know that I'm no magic cure for the way you feel, but maybe I can at least make it less lonely."

"It's not about you as a person. I've never met anybody as nice as you, but I can't fully… let go and rely on the words that you will be here and won't suddenly disappear. You say you're in love, but what does that mean? I don't trust myself to keep sane, how can I trust you to take care of my fucked up shell? At the very least, I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to keep remembering everything."

"Do you think you will be able to forget afterwards?" Hyungwon tightened his grip, scared that as soon as he let go Hoseok was going to change his mind about staying with him. "I can't promise you that my feelings won't change, but I can tell you that I care about you as a person. The one who is threatening to suddenly disappear is you, Hoseok. My fears concerning you are similar to yours concerning me. Even now I'm scared that I said something that might make you leave."

The water was boiling loudly in the pot, but Hyungwon didn't move, unwilling to let go of Hoseok's waist. He wasn't going to let him go, not when he wanted to destroy himself by going back to the place that broke him.

"Have you ever… made somebody happy?" Hoseok looked at him with his round eyes that were more dark brown under the kitchen light. "Because I never have and I'm not confident."

_Make somebody happy? It can be so hard to tell._

"Maybe you just don't know," Hyungwon murmured and used one of his hands to cup Hoseok's cheek instead of hugging from behind. It felt less terrifying to let go of him now, even if Hyungwon didn't want to let go completely. "It's hard to tell sometimes. When you told me that my confession made you happier than your revenge, even if just for that moment, I felt like I could fly."

He chuckled and leaned against the small bit of counter that his kitchen offered. "It's easy to tell with children because they show it. I guess I made my siblings happy before, my friends by giving them things they care about or helping them with something. Sometimes we make people happy, but they never tell us."

"If software works without a test run, without a single bug, there's something wrong with it, you know? I'm trying to find the bug, the spot that will ruin its functionality. Does that make sense? If you look at me, there are so many bugs that prison gave me, it's a fucking mess. I'm a mess. So I have no idea how I'm going to make you feel good."

Hyungwon hummed because even if he couldn't really understand, he knew what Hoseok meant. It was like starting something new, something one had no experience with and watching it work without knowing exactly how it did that, why it worked the way it did. Even if something good happened, it could appear scary because one didn't have an explanation for it.

_If you don't know why it works, you won't know how to fix it once it stops._

"When you think about being next to me are there particular things that I do that make you feel… lighter, happier even? Is it like a script or does it seem random to you?" He smiled and leaned in to kiss Hoseok briefly, relieved that it was something he could do so easily, without a single thought.

_For you there is no script. You can't tell exactly what it is, only that you feel it suddenly and without warning and cannot keep yourself from feeling possessive over him._

Hoseok smiled and reached behind him to turn off the stove and wrapped his arm around his waist. "I'm not sure. It's like I'm walking towards that zippo light in the tunnel that I was focusing on for the past two years and suddenly I get distracted by a… let's say a flower on the side of the road. It shouldn't matter, but I leave to crouch and smell it. It has a delicious scent and I remind myself that I have to continue on my way and stand up but my legs don't let me return to the road… Something like that?"

_It's so similar, isn't it?_

"For me… there is no such tunnel, but I made a decision before, for my own protection I guess. I wanted to stay away from people that make me want to give myself to them and I tried really hard to distance myself. In the end, I guess I'm just like you, making my way towards a flower no matter what I decided to do. You made it difficult when you appreciated my skills, were just as excited about testing the security system, watched me with that gaze of yours, asked me to kiss you. I'm a lost cause."

The way all those memories instantly returned to his mind as soon as he mentioned them, forced him to reach out and wrap his arms around Hoseok, hugging him tightly. Hyungwon had seen the bad sides too, the bugs Hoseok spoke of. But those only made him want to step closer and pull out the person that was hiding among them, the man that was hurt so badly that he didn't allow himself to feel anything but a yearning for revenge.

"I won't let you go, Hoseok. I mean it." He narrowed his arms around Hoseok's waist and buried his face in the older man's neck. "That flower is going to reach out and wrap around you, make a new fucking light if that's what you need to keep going. But not inside that tunnel."

"So you mean that I made you like me? How? I thought all I did was hurt you." They had abandoned the cooking, but Hoseok remembered and put the macaroni into the water and turned on the stove again. "But being next to you makes me feel as if I'm a real person."

How could anybody live with the knowledge that they destroyed a person to the degree of not considering themselves real? The one living with that knowledge wasn't a real person.

"Because you are," Hyungwon mumbled into the warm neck, aware that it was his apartment, so he should have been responsible for cooking, but instead he wanted to stay attached to Hoseok's body. "It just happened, Hoseok. I ended up liking you because you showed glimpses of yourself while making me feel appreciated. I tried to convince myself that you did it on purpose, but I could spot the differences between when it was on purpose and when it wasn't. Shit- I promise I'll cook in a bit, but I don't want to let go right now."

"To be honest, I hated myself so much when I was next to Matteo. I didn't like him at all and acting friendly and interested made me want to throw up and think that I was just like Roberto. But on the good side, I was able to understand what he had done to me back then. How it happened. It has its advantages, but I really hated myself." Hoseok's warm palm stroked over his hair as the low voice murmured the words next to his ear.

_He must have done the same to him back then, pretended to love him to carry out his agenda._

"Did… Roberto pretend with you? All that time?" Hyungwon knew that it was a hurtful topic, but he had to ask. It sounded impossible to him, to lie to a person to that degree over such a long period of time.

_You also got lied to for years, but it was different. You just weren't important enough to leave somebody else._

"Do you think that it is easy to make somebody fall in love with you, Hoseok? To make them like you to a degree that they are willing to open up to you and let you break them just like that?"

"Maybe with some people it's easier than with others. If you give a lot of affection, it's easier to manipulate you than if one has to put in effort to get through first." Hoseok sighed and stepped back before propping up on the counter and doing a few push-ups. "He might have pretended and he might have also used the fact that I was naive and busy with software ideas. It's not only his fault that it happened, but no matter how stupid I was, he shouldn't have done that to another human."

_How can he think even a tiny bit of this is his fault?_

"It is _only_ his fault, Hoseok. Why would being naive and passionate about something make you responsible for getting used like that? It's wrong that somebody even dares to treat you that way. I hate humans." Hyungwon felt angry about how easily self-esteem suffered because of another person acting like a monster. He hated that Hoseok had to feel this way, that all those things happened to somebody who seemed so soft and insecure at heart.

_You want to pick up all his pieces and keep them close._

"Don't know. I'm not naive anymore but at the same time I wish I was because I would feel less bitter and probably not as broken. Thank you for- for being in love with me. It makes me feel good and that doesn't happen often. All of this feels like opening a gigantic jar of discomfort. I don't talk much usually."

"Did you talk a lot before?" Hyungwon asked softly and finally decided to check on the macaroni. Luckily they were just right and he quickly got them out of the water while preparing to fry the tomatoes with an onion he found somewhere. "I also wish I was still my flirty, shameless self that didn't fear getting used for sex. It's sad, because I fucking love sex."

"Well, the way you just watched me fucking somebody else was… let's say a tiny bit shameless. First I thought you wanted to make fun of me." Hoseok chewed on his lips and reached out to fumble with the hem of his shirt. "I also really like sex."

_A match made in heaven. He reacted so intensely when being close to you._

Hyungwon pretended that he didn't find Hoseok randomly working out and then getting shy ridiculously attractive and kept frying stuff in the pan. His eyes kept slipping towards Hoseok's gorgeous face and muscular arms even though he should have been focusing on cooking.

"To me it was like an invitation. You guys left the door open and I didn't think much about it. I was curious and the sight was hot, but then you saw me and somehow- I guess that affected me." He sucked his lips into his mouth and wondered if it had been his past experiences that got to him. "He sometimes slept with his wife and made me watch. I knew that it meant he would be mine afterwards, so maybe that fucked with my head. I don't know."

“He made you watch? He deserves to be choked, maybe even more than Flavio,” Hoseok hissed and clenched his fists. “I- I’m sorry that you had to watch. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Hyungwon and it doesn’t matter what kind of experiences led you there, you shouldn’t be hurt that way. All this makes me wonder about something. You- I mean, you told me that you want me to be yours, is that even possible? Is something like that realistic? To be yours?”

"Why not?" He was still staring at the tomatoes in the pan but his voice was just as firm as he wanted it to be. Why shouldn't it be possible to have Hoseok for himself? The older man served his time and even that was for a crime that he hadn't committed. Hyungwon was going to make sure there were enough things keeping Hoseok attached to the world outside.

_And if you're not enough then it will be a project._

"It's not some magic spell, Hoseok. We're two humans with feelings, so why shouldn't it be possible to act on them?" He turned off the stove and melted the mozzarella cubes in the pan before adding various spices and finally the macaroni. It looked decent for a quick dish. "Do you prefer red or white wine?"

“Uh- I don’t actually drink, that- remember what happened last time?” Hoseok looked a bit concerned as he took the pan from his hands carefully and waited until he put a wooden board on the small improvised table. “My tolerance is really bad. But returning to your question. I think that all of it is too… good?”

"Too good to be true?" Hyungwon smiled and took out the red wine along with two glasses before putting those on the table as well. As a finish he got the plates and a fork each. "Just because something seems too good to be true doesn't mean that you have to stay away from it. Then you would always be running away because everything would seem too good to be true for you."

He sat down cross-legged in front of the table and hoped that Hoseok didn't mind too much, especially if the older man hated sitting still.

"Do you see my limbs? My tolerance is probably worse and you're with me. I'll take care of you and kiss you if you ask me to." Grinning, he placed some macaroni on his plate before trying it and feeling immensely relieved that it tasted okay. "I'll probably kiss you even if you don't ask me to, if we're being honest."

His guest was sitting cross-legged next to him, mixing his pasta just like he had, probably trying to imitate, before glancing at the glass with obvious suspicion. “I hope nothing bad happens. I hope I won’t say anything hurtful because I think I’m pretty good at that.”

"You definitely worry too much considering that last time our relationship was quite different. I still remember the look in your eyes when you asked me to kiss you. Fuck- that really got to me." Hyungwon chewed on his cheek because of how true that was and poured some wine into both glasses. He definitely wanted Hoseok to relax and the wine was most likely going to help him sleep too. "I think the food is decent considering I just used what was around. I'm not the best cook out there, we might end up harassing Hyunwoo regularly. If you're up for being with me that is."

_You like that image too much, Hyungwon. There is still so much you have to do for it._

“Hyunwoo? That’s the guy who fixed my hand, right? He was okay. We can go there again.” A small smile appeared on Hoseok’s handsome face as he licked the tomato sauce from his lips. “I worry too much? Comes with age and experience.”

"The patent you prepared tells me very clearly that you're not all that old." He grinned while stuffing his face, unable to help it because he felt too damn happy about Hoseok trusting him enough to visit his friends again. "Hyunwoo is a quiet fellow. I'd trust him with my life."

Taking a sip from his glass, he gestured for Hoseok to do the same. The older man was more than gorgeous when he felt relaxed and smiled. Hyungwon saved it as one of his personal goals to always make him feel like that.

_You want to be somebody he trusts._

"I… always wanted to ask you what it was like at the orphanage. You didn't mention it too much, only the boy who was your roommate," he commented and observed Hoseok's facial expressions. Even though Hyungwon had seen a lot, there must be so much more he didn't know.

Hoseok tried to stall for time before answering by taking a sip of wine. The black, prettily shaped eyebrows furrowed and the beautiful man left the glass on the table, licking a red drop from his bottom lip. “How was it? Loud, apart from my brother who didn’t talk, but sometimes he hit me, so I would open my eyes and listen to what he had to say even if I was tired, but it wasn’t bad. We were kids. There weren’t many that were adopted. Mostly the young kids and after I turned six everybody knew that I would stay there until I was old enough to leave. It was just a lot of children hoping but never getting anything back, I guess. One of the teachers was nice, the one who said that I only have good things coming. She was wrong and the rest hated children. At least that’s what I think because you don’t just treat other humans that way if you have any kind of good feelings towards them. You don’t even treat them like that if you have no emotions towards them. I guess it was hate.” Hoseok smiled but it looked fake. Probably because the topic was not something to smile about. Not at all. “The wine is good,” he commented and drank the rest.

_It must be difficult for him to talk about it._

Hyungwon nodded along and sipped on his own glass absentmindedly, trying to imagine how it must have felt to grow up like that. He had seen Italian orphanages, but not for too long because his parents had never been able to adopt an Italian child.

"They have ridiculous rules for adopting children, even if a couple wants to. You need to be married for at least three years, earn enough and not be too old compared to the child you are adopting. It's terrible and I wish it was easier," he murmured and gestured towards the photographs on the wall. "Not even a single one of my siblings is Italian. Was your brother also your friend at the orphanage? What does he do now?"

"Unfortunately, I have no idea. I couldn't get in touch with him after finishing my studies so I don't know. I hope he's doing well. He was special." This time, Hoseok's smile resembled the genuine one Hyungwon liked so much. "I think if there are two words I hate the most then it's adoption and inmate. The first one you have to be good enough for someone to want you but they never do or the government just forces you to stay miserable with their ridiculous regulations. The second one reduces you to an inhabitant of a cell and then if you are an non adopted orphan and an inmate you stop existing as a human just like that. Bam."

Hyungwon didn't understand at first until both things in combination finally drew a picture for him, an idea of what it must have been like.

"Did… nobody come to see you while you were there, Hoseok?" Even asking the question hurt and his hands were shaking when he poured Hoseok some more wine.

_That's beyond cruel, that's inhuman._

"There? You mean in prison? No. I probably would've killed him if he came, so I guess it was good that he didn't. Apart from him there was nobody." Again, Hoseok took a sip, observing the wine in his glass. "The food was delicious. You're an amazing cook."

Hyungwon didn't even register the compliment, too occupied with the anger in his chest. He couldn't believe that a single person could become everything in the life of another and then take it away, just like that. Have them locked up far away to pay for their own mistakes.

_Of course there was only revenge for him, Hyungwon. There was nobody or nothing that could have pulled him out of those thoughts._

Hyungwon stood up without a word and collected both plates, washing them quickly in the sink.

"I'm not going to let him get anywhere near you, no matter what," he whispered and dried his hands before making his way towards Hoseok and wrapping his arms around the other man. It might have been uncomfortable for Hoseok to have him sitting on his crossed legs, but Hyungwon did it anyway. "I'm just a person you have not known for very long and you must be so scared to trust me, but I'll do my best, Hoseok. I promise."

Hoseok hugged him and pressed his ear to his chest, eyes fluttering shut and regular exhales leaving the cute nose. "Your heartbeat. It's my favorite sound," he whispered.

***

_Does the wine taste good, or is it because you’re with him?_

Hoseok suddenly remembered so many things, how Roberto told him that they would go to his cousins Chianti Winery in summer and spend days in bed drinking wine. He always thought it sounded like heaven, but it never happened .

_None of the promises ever happened. Instead it was all the things you were used to just much worse._

He wondered why Hyungwon wanted to know all those things, all his experiences, why he shook in anger when he talked about Roberto or looked hurt when he told him about his time at the orphanage or in prison. Why did Hyungwon care about him so much when the black-haired boy had experienced so much hurt himself. There was enough pain in the big eyes from being treated like shit and so much vulnerability that he still showed to Hoseok even though he didn't know what to do about it? Not at all. Countless times he thought back to the time when he still had the opportunity to leave, to stop, to push Hyungwon away, but couldn’t. Instead, he pressed his ear to the slim chest and listened to the quick heartbeat that sounded so beautiful. It really was his favorite sound. Hoseok should’ve thought about his next steps, but instead, he wrapped his arms around Hyungwon tighter and was happy that the door was locked for once.

_You wouldn’t mind being locked with him here forever._

“What about you? How was it to grow up with so many siblings?” he murmured against the fabric of the shirt Hyungwon was wearing.

Long fingers sank into his hair and he felt Hyungwon’s lips at the top of his head for a few seconds. He held him tightly and began to play with his hair.

"At first there weren't any, so it was just me and a _lot_ of attention. Then Ashley came into my life and at first it was a little weird because both of us were the same age and I always thought babies got to start out small, you know? She didn't speak Italian either, but soon it didn't matter and we always hung out together. Then both of us got an older brother when Amadi joined and shortly after my parents adopted twin babies, Marek and Andrej. Everybody did their best to take care of them and it was getting a little tight so my parents moved. I never minded and after a while it just seemed normal to me that I kept getting new brothers and sisters. We argued of course and kids at school kept laughing and saying we can't be related, but kids are ruthless in general, so I doubt that not having siblings would have changed that." Taking a deep breath, Hyungwon chuckled suddenly. "That was a whole lecture, wasn't it? I love my siblings, every single one of them, even if we don't agree on a lot of things."

“That sounds really nice,” he whispered and closed his eyes to listen to Hyungwon’s voice over the sound of his quick heartbeat. He was feeling tipsy already with his low tolerance and enjoyed the moment, however brief it would be, when he didn’t have to act like an adult striving for revenge.

_You can’t let him go, Hoseok._

He couldn’t, but he also didn’t want to think about it now. Now that Hyungwon was sitting on top of him and was incorporating everything good that was there in the world. “Can I ask a private question?” He leaned back and glanced at the handsome face.

"Of course," Hyungwon smiled and kissed his lips briefly, tasting sweet like wine with a hint of tomato. "I don't think you are somebody who needs to ask, but the fact that you still do is one of the reasons I like you so much."

_But you don’t know each other well, if it’s even possible to really know a person._

“You don’t have to answer, but I thought it was important. Regarding your sex life prior to ...us… when you were watching your partner with somebody else and other things that you told me about occasionally… is it something you enjoy? Or do you like something entirely different? I want to know what you want, what gives you goosebumps and what makes you lose yourself.”

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and a healthy blush developed on the boy's face, hinting at the fact that he must have been thinking about what he enjoyed.

"I- well," the boy began and kept playing with Hoseok's hair, tugging at it absentmindedly. "Watching the man I love with somebody else does not do it for me. I think it was different with you because I could tell that you wanted me, that you were suffering yourself by not touching me. What I like… I enjoy physical strength, being restricted a little I guess. I loved what you did last time because it was deep and drove me mad. The sounds you make get me going, the way you moan and lose yourself in my body. To be honest, I also love being loud, but- I had to keep quiet. Does that make sense? I do like having hands all over me, being touched and caressed."

_You have to remember everything._

Hoseok nodded and leaned back a bit, listening and slowly pulling Hyungwon’s shirt over his head. “I think I understand, but please tell me if I didn’t,” he whispered and wrapped one arm around the boy’s narrow waist, holding him and leaning forwards carefully until Hyungwon’s back touched the carpet. “I wanted to make sure that I don't ruin anything and only do exactly the things that you want.”

Hyungwon gasped at his words, blush increasing as the boy's lean legs wrapped around his waist. Hoseok could feel Hyungwon pull him closer while chewing on his cheek, fingers rubbing over the carpet.

"And what do you want?"

_Will you be able to do what you want?_

He licked over his lips and started kissing Hyungwon’s chest, sucking his soft skin into his mouth and licking along his pulsating jugular vein. “I want to love you,” he murmured, barely loud enough to be perceived as speech as he kissed the path from Hyungwon’s neck to his ear.

The gasp that first entered his ears transformed into soft whimpers as goosebumps spread over Hyungwon's soft skin. Hoseok could tell so well how much the gorgeous man enjoyed being touched, exhaling from each caress of his lips and trying to pull him closer through the grip around his waist. But what got to him the most were the big, brown eyes, hidden behind lenses but watching him with so much intensity and emotion that Hoseok had to remind himself to breathe. “I’m not confident, but I really want to try if you’ll let me,” he added, using his free hand to roam all over the boy’s naked chest, his arms and his lean stomach in addition to the kisses that led him right to the full mouth that was parted in an exhale. Hyungwon was so breathtakingly beautiful. Like all the good things in the world.

"How could I not?" Hyungwon whispered, moaning softly from his ministrations and reaching out to rake through his hair and pull him closer. "I love the way you touch me, I have ever since you touched me for the first time."

_Then maybe you can give him the same feeling he is able to give you._

He smiled and pulled his own shirt over his head before leaning down and connecting their lips in a deep kiss. He lowered his body slowly on top of Hyungwon to feel his warm skin and the goosebumps that he could still trace with his fingers.

"You make me feel so much," Hyungwon whispered and pulled him flush against his chest, hands roaming over his back and applying pressure to slide over his muscular arms. "I want you."

_You’re a lost cause and he makes you feel like you are everything._

“I knew I shouldn’t drink, but now that I’ve said it, I will continue saying it because it’s true. I want you. I want to love you and to make you feel the same way that you make me feel.” He connected their lips again and licked into the warm mouth, hand stroking over Hyungwon’s side, fingers dipping under the waistband of his jeans and traveling back up, leaving a trail of goosebumps.

"I love you," Hyungwon whispered quietly when their lips parted. It felt intimate, silent apart from their inhales and the occasional gasps but at the same time there was no need for any additional words.

_Do you feel the same?_

The question was stupid. Of course he did and his heart gave him out with the drum solo it was playing all by itself. Hyungwon looked like everything he had ever wanted lying on that carpet in his tiny apartment and Hoseok wished to be able to give the same three words back without saying anything.

Moving lower, he covered Hyungwon's stomach in wet kisses before he opened the button on his jeans and slowly pulled them down his long legs. His lips attached to every inch of the skin that he uncovered and he couldn't get enough, heartbeat hammering in his chest and making him feel more alive than he dared to admit.

Hyungwon rewarded him with soft moans and careful fingers that raked through his hair and caressed his shoulders and arms, as if the beautiful man couldn't get enough of him. The air tasted thick around them, but somehow it didn't make him nervous, instead it motivated him to get closer and reduce the space between them.

He didn't wait for an invitation this time and undressed too before settling between Hyungwon's legs. His fingers travelled along the visible ribs, caressing the sharp hipbones and wrapping around the man's firm thighs to pull them higher and let them rest on top of his shoulders as he covered Hyungwon's groin in kisses and tender bites, taking in his distinct scent and enjoying every bit of it.

Hyungwon's lips were parted and the boy's dark hair messily covered the carpet. His glasses were askew, sitting tilted on his round nose and slipped further to the side when he moaned. Hyungwon's abdomen contracted whenever a kiss felt really good and Hoseok could feel the boy's heartbeat on the inside of his lean thighs.

He made sure to let Hyungwon feel his hands on his body as he took him into his mouth and played with him, sucking occasionally and teasing, fingers holding the slim waist, the trembling thighs and continuing to hold him close. He wanted more, to be so close that they couldn't breathe anything else apart from their moans and the tension in the air. Carefully circling the round butt, Hoseok lifted it enough to kiss Hyungwon the way he knew the man liked it, teasing him with his tongue and sinking his teeth in the firm butt cheeks.

"I want to be with you, Hoseok," Hyungwon mumbled and rubbed his hair over the carpet, messing it up even more and trembling from the intense sensations. The lean thighs spread wider in invitation and Hoseok loved how well he could see the boy's reactions, how much a difference touching made. "I love the way you touch me, please don't stop. I want you to have it all, all of me."

_And you want to take it and to love it as much as you can._

He didn't say anything, for that he had enough self-control despite being told, but his hands didn't stop, using more strength to make Hyungwon feel his fingertips, that he wanted to hold him, take him, love him. The man's reactions were enough to know that he liked it, so Hoseok sunk his fingers into the firm muscles and used his tongue to stimulate Hyungwon's entrance.

A gorgeous moan echoed through the small apartment as Hyungwon threw his head back and reached out to tug at his hair, whimpering when he immediately responded by giving the black-haired boy more. Hoseok could tell that Hyungwon was letting go with him, making more sounds, murmuring confessions and begging him to stay close and let him feel more.

When the confessions turned into begs, Hoseok leaned back and reached for the bed, pulling the thick blanket to the carpet and stuffing it under Hyungwon's body, worried that the other man would get hurt if he didn't pay attention. His own arousal burned between his legs and he took the lube from Hyungwon's bedside table. "Would you like my fingers?" he asked and chewed on his cheek, remembering that they hadn't used a condom last time.

_He must trust you so much._

Hyungwon nodded softly before smiling from in between his fingers that rested on top of his forehead. He looked beautiful and breathless.

"You can feel how warm I am," the boy whispered and spread his legs. It was arousing, but somehow Hyungwon managed to keep the affectionate gaze on his face, as if Hoseok was the only person he could see. "I always do it myself because it felt more intimate to me than sex, but… I want you to."

Hoseok could understand it so well. Anything that concerned touching. It was intimate and required so much trust to believe that another person wouldn't hurt you. He nodded and checked the nails on his right hand before covering one finger in lube and circling the tight entrance before his digit slipped inside and he exhaled, reacting to the arousing sight and what he was doing to Hyungwon.

The boy's lips parted, but no sound came out at first, brown eyes observing him intently through glasses. A tremble passed through Hyungwon's legs and he pushed his slim body closer towards him, as if encouraging him to go deeper and feel more. Once Hoseok curled the digit, a beautiful moan left the pump mouth, vibrating through Hyungwon's chest and causing the gorgeous man to let his eyes flutter shut.

"You make me feel good," Hyungwon whispered when his eyes opened again and he met his gaze.

_You can make him feel good. You felt insecure, but you can._

He propped himself on his elbow to not hurt his hand that still wasn't healed and leaned forward to kiss Hyungwon's body, play with his nipples with the tip of his tongue as he rubbed the sensitive spot and let another finger join when he felt that Hyungwon relaxed sufficiently.

Moans and whimpers filled his ears in succession as Hyungwon squirmed in his hold, whispering his name and attempting to pull him closer with his big hands that tugged at his hair. The boy began to move his hips to meet the motions of his wrist and begged him for more, to touch him more and be even closer. He wondered whether he had ever felt that close to another person, but he couldn't say for sure and didn't have anything to compare to either. Moving his fingers with precision, he slipped one of his thighs under Hyungwon's and nibbled on the soft neck. The boy's glasses were not on his nose anymore, so he removed them and connected their lips, adding a third finger carefully and helping Hyungwon to relax around his hand.

"I want you, Hyungwon."

"Then take me," the boy gasped and moaned once more, contracting around his fingers and shivering from pleasure. "I want you to."

He removed his fingers and managed to reach for the tissue box. Narrow spaces had their advantages if he thought about it. When he got ready observing Hyungwon's face and his eyes, the moment seemed to burn itself into his memory, something he didn't want to forget, no matter what happened.

"Could you lie on your stomach?" he asked and threw the lube to the side, arranging the blanket so that Hyungwon was comfortable. "I think it feels especially nice when there's so much skin contact and you can hear my breaths against your ear."

Hyungwon nodded and he noticed how the boy's abdomen flexed as he turned and lay on the blanket, spreading his legs a little.

"I love it when it feels like you envelop me," Hyungwon murmured and buried his fingers in the soft fabric as his behind lifted off the blanket.

He smiled and gave himself a few seconds to take in the sight, before climbing on top of Hyungwon and stroking over his golden back with his palm. Curling the fingers of his free hand around his lubed length, he applied pressure and gasped when his tip slipped past the tight ring of muscles.

Hyungwon was gasping, head turned to the side and hands tugging at the blanket repeatedly.

"Shit, I love how you fill me out," the boy muttered and relaxed to allow him to slip deeper. Hoseok pulled back a little as a test before thrusting forward carefully. One of Hyungwon's hands let go of the blanket and reached out to apply pressure to his behind, making him move all the way to the hilt. "Please, Hoseok."

He moaned and sank on top of Hyungwon's body, chest touching the warm back and lips placing kisses behind the cute curled up ear. It felt so intense to be completely connected like that, to feel Hyungwon all over his body, the perky butt on his hips and the broad shoulders against his chest. He moved his hips, testing out the angle and removing the black hair from Hyungwon's eyes to kiss every bit of his skin. "I want to melt into your body," he muttered and rubbed his lips against Hyungwon's rosy cheek.

"You already are," the boy whispered back and moaned again, eyes fluttering shut and body trembling with each motion and exhale against Hyungwon's skin. Hoseok couldn't tell if it was the pleasure or the proximity making Hyungwon react so much, shaking under him with gasps raining from his lips. "I feel nothing but you."

"Mhm," he hummed, kissing Hyungwon's gorgeous pleasure stricken face and finally shifted a bit to make it feel even better before rolling his hips and feeling the pressure and contractions around his length, making him want to groan from how intense it felt. He couldn't tell if Hyungwon did it on purpose, but the sensation was making him dizzy. Getting a big gulp of air and holding it in his lungs, he waited for Hyungwon to relax and thrust forward.

"Please-" Hyungwon groaned and the boy's whole body tensed up for a few seconds before relaxing again. Hands kept trying to hold onto the blanket or to touch him and Hyungwon's hips lifted up to meet his. The whispers of his name were infrequent at first, but mixed with begging and confessions, Hyungwon asking him to make him even more delirious and let him forget himself.

He nodded and whispered confessions into the pretty ear, that he loved feeling connected like this, how dizzy Hyungwon's body made him feel, how much he loved every single sound the other man was making and that he would do whatever the low voice told him to. Moving his hips, he realized that Hyungwon's reactions got to him more than anything else he'd experienced, how much strength he needed to hold back and play with his breathing to not orgasm right here and now.

"I'm close," Hyungwon gasped suddenly even though the boy hadn't warned him before, merely shaking through it. "Touch me."

"I- I'm close too," he admitted and twitched after an especially nice thrust. Wrapping one arm around Hyungwon's waist he pulled the man on his knees and reached between his legs, curling his fingers around the hot length and stroking it with a firm grip.

Hyungwon almost screamed as his thighs trembled and he spread them further apart to give him more space. The big brown eyes were tightly shut as the boy kept whimpering his name and screaming each time he slammed his hips forward. When Hoseok tightened his fingers around the tip and moved deep, Hyungwon's whole body tensed and warm liquid covered his fingers, accompanied by rhythmic contractions around his length.

"I love you," Hyungwon murmured suddenly, repeating the confession a few times. "I love you so much, Hoseok. Let me feel you."

He gasped, unable to react in time as he finished off with a few thrusts, coming inside Hyungwon's body with a loud moan of his name. When his chest touched the warm back and he placed his head on Hyungwon's slim shoulder, he felt as if everything was going to be fine because one couldn't feel like this if it wouldn't. "I love you too," he whispered.

_

The sun rose like it always did and a few birds sang in the Parco Sempione that was close enough that he could hear them when he opened his window. Opening it still felt strange, like something he had to get used to, but could he really?

Everything seemed the same as before even though he wasn't. His lungs were filled with thick air that turned and bloomed inside his chest like a big flower, forcing him to inhale more, breathe, even though it had been so hard before. He was in love with another person, a person who said that they loved him too. Nothing was the same. How could it be the same if he couldn't move away from the flower on the side of the road despite his previous goal, despite the fact that his wish for revenge was stronger than his will to live?

_And now you want him more._

Suddenly the narrow room seemed so empty, like some alien space that he didn't inhabit, the bed was barely okay to be sleeping on and the walls appeared naked, impersonal and without any substance. He had wanted it to be that way, but now, suddenly, it started feeling wrong to him. Like he shouldn't be doing it to himself, like he should return to the small warm apartment instead, to the carpet and the gorgeous golden skin, Hyungwon's messy hair that rubbed over the rough fabric and his emotional confessions brought on by that look. The look that Hoseok couldn't describe even if he wanted to. He wanted to go back.

_But you need time to think. You can't think next to him._

Wearing his usual hoodie and ripped jeans he planned to go to the library and check what more he could do with the money that he got from making Roberto's company go bankrupt and think about what he wanted to do next.

_You won't be able to give up completely. He destroyed too much of you to do that._

Hyungwon would eventually notice that there was so much shit about him, things that he had to deal with because of his time in prison, because of his trust issues, his anxiety, his feeling that he didn't belong. All of that was going to swim to the surface and choke him, show Hyungwon that it was too much to handle. That it wasn't worth it.

_Maybe carrying on is the right thing in the end._

He sighed and chewed on his bottom lip because the thought alone made him more emotional and affected than he dared to admit. He didn't want to go back to jail, but if he did, it would be a second death all over again.

It was exactly seventy stairs from his apartment door that he closed to the main entrance and the first gulp of spring air that he inhaled as soon as he stepped outside. He still needed his leather jacket, but it was so much warmer already. Smiling briefly because spring felt so different in Milan, Hoseok walked towards his car, only belatedly spotting a tall figure leaning against his passenger door.

_It's him._

His body knew it. It knew the proportions, the signs and characteristics of the person who stood there and looked at him approaching with a strange expression on his long face. He thought of stopping and turning around, but his body continued walking until he stopped in front of the other man, clenching his fists.

"Hi. Long time no see," the voice spoke, but he hated how familiar it sounded, how it felt like the times when the person in front of him lay in bed with him, telling him what kind of future there was for both of them, knowing that Hoseok would never be part of it. That all of it was just a game to lie, to gain advantage, to hurt.

_You can't touch him. You can't hurt him, Hoseok._

"I see you did your best to find me even though you didn't bother visiting me all that time even though you knew where I was because you were the one who put me there." He took out his keys and opened the car.

"I had to. I remembered something and I wanted to talk to you about it. Do you think we could go somewhere private?" The other man licked over his red lips and brushed a lock behind his ear.

_No way._

"No. I have nothing to tell you and I don't think you have anything to tell me either," he commented, fumbling with the key to stop himself from looking into the big eyes because he hated this. He hated it so much that he was afraid of doing something stupid.

"I do. I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry, Hoseok. I'm sorry for what happened," Roberto exclaimed as if it was enough. As if anything could ever be enough for what he did. It wasn't fucking enough and he felt himself shake because he felt so angry about it.

_Don't touch him._

"Bullshit," he hissed and walked around the car, staring at the shameless piece of shit, trying to fix things because he was panicking after what happened to his stupid company. "I don't know why you would come to me now, it doesn't make any sense, it's not enough and I will never forgive you for as long as I live, so if you want to take care of that you'll need to kill me."

"Oh, but I don't need to do that. You're killing yourself. Look at me, I came to you like a civilized human and apologized for a mistake and you are telling me to kill you? Why would I kill you, Hoseok, if I don't care about you? I don't give a single shit whether you're sneaking around Milan or rotting in jail, I have a nice life and don't need to think about you at all. I just wanted to make sure that you indeed were out after I found your lighter in my bag that you must have accidentally dropped. Here. You can have it back, baby." Roberto pulled out the zippo lighter and pushed it over the top of his car towards him, making it stop right in front of his chest.

He felt like burning, fists clenched and nails burying into his palm with such strength that it sent painful goosebumps all over his skin. Inhaling the air that fueled the burning inside, he let his eyes flutter shut to remind himself that no matter what, that person had no right. No right to treat him this way.

_It doesn't matter who you are, he can't do that._

"Fuck off," he whispered and took the lighter with shaky fingers, before opening the door and slipping onto the driver's seat. He put it in gear and stepped on the gas, leaving the parking spot and turning towards the Parco Sempione. The place where no one went because it was considered dangerous, but during the day it didn't matter. Stopping next to a few bushes in the no parking zone, he left the vehicle and emptied the contents of his stomach until there was nothing left apart from the spasming in his insides, the shaking of his muscles and the panic attack that he felt was approaching when he couldn't count his breaths anymore.

_Stop, Hoseok. You need to check whether the money is still there._

He stumbled back to the car and opened the trunk where he kept his laptop under the box with the tire fixing tools, just that the tools were moved to the side and there was absolutely nothing.

His fingers shook as he threw the objects around trying to find the silver laptop, only there was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

_He took it._

"Fuck," he whispered and sunk to his knees in front of the trunk, staring at the tools strewn across his trunk and the absence of the object that he treated with most care and always made sure to take along apart from this one time. This time. His vision blurred and he bit on his bottom lip tasting blood and how he was losing awareness.

_He has the evidence. You're going back to that place, Hoseok. You will go back._


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 12

Hyungwon fixed the way his trench coat covered his shoulders and stared at the familiar door to his best friend's house. The door that had still not opened even though he rang the bell twice already. Usually Minhyuk was quick to open, especially when his parents were at work, but maybe today was an exception.

_Or you're just impatient._

As soon as his eyes opened, he decided to ditch his first lecture and hurried to see his best friend instead, perfectly aware that 8 o'clock was not a great time to pop up on anybody's doorstep.

_But you need to be fast about this, as fast as possible._

Hoseok had left his apartment not too long ago, embracing him throughout the night with the exception of the three hours that Hyungwon snuck away to get some things done. He still couldn't believe that Hoseok had confessed to him, admitted to being in love with him too.

Sure, one might have argued that post orgasmic confessions weren't reliable, but the people who said that didn't know Hoseok and hadn't seen the expression on his face. Hyungwon's whole body still trembled at the memory and made him want to turn around and run to the tiny room that Hoseok lived in, make sure that they weren't apart any longer than necessary.

_You need to do this in order for the two of you to make this work._

Hyungwon wasn't stupid. Having sex with him and confessing didn't mean that Hoseok was going to ditch all of his plans and live happily ever after in his arms. That shit only happened in fairytales. In reality, Hyungwon had to work for it, hard.

Groaning in annoyance, he rang the bell again. There was no time for this, not when Hoseok could look at his accounts a tiny bit more thoroughly than Hyungwon wanted him to.

_Just hope that he doesn't._

"Minhyuk!" he yelled and rang the bell one more time. When nothing happened for a few seconds he got the terrible suspicion that his friend wasn't home, possibly because of a change in class schedule.

When the door was suddenly ripped open and he stared at his best friend's exhausted face peeking out of a loose bathrobe that he had thrown over his naked body, Hyungwon finally felt relief wash over him.

"Thank fuck," he muttered and wrapped his arms around Minhyuk before pushing both of them back into the apartment and shutting the door behind them with a bang.

"What the hell is going on with you? It's eight in the morning and you should be at University." Minhyuk's voice was rough as he peeled his arms from his mostly naked body and made his way to his wardrobe to get dressed. Hyungwon followed, too excited to be patient about this.

"There are way more important things going on, Minhyuk. You need to help me with two patents," he exclaimed and fumbled in his backpack to get out the mirror image of Hoseok's laptop he created and his notes on the software that the older man had written. He used it for some illegal shit, but the benefit was clearly for security and that's how Hyungwon wanted to sell it on the patent. "We need to finish it today and send it off, as quickly as possible."

Minhyuk was staring at him, one leg already inside a pair of skinny jeans as he paused for several long seconds before slipping in his other leg.

"You have gone completely nuts," his best friend whispered and pulled a sweatshirt over his chest, hair remaining disheveled. "You just finished a patent application and have no money to submit it. Why the fuck do you need two more?"

"Because those two need to be submitted in his name only. It's important and it has to be fast." Hyungwon took off his coat and threw it on the chair in front of Minhyuk's desk. He was quick to turn on the laptop and logging in on his account, looking up a few of the submission guidelines to make sure he didn't make a mistake. "Also… I have the money now."

Minhyuk didn't say anything and merely disappeared into the bathroom, probably to brush his teeth. Hyungwon would have been concerned by the silence, but there was no time for that. He instantly opened the template they made before and began to fill in all the formal requirements that he knew how to do. He also added an address and contact information before practicing Hoseok's signature a few times.

_Everything about this is so illegal, but it's to save him, isn't it?_

He wanted Hoseok to let go of his revenge. He wanted the older man to forget about Roberto and stop letting that man ruin his life.

_His revenge only makes him miserable and you can't let him go back to jail. It'll break him._

His hands shook at the thought alone and he flinched when Minhyuk's hand landed on his shoulder, squeezing briefly.

"Seriously Hyungwon, what's going on?" his best friend murmured and leaned in to stare at him, lips pressed into a thin line. He was disappointed.

_Because you're not telling him anything, going mad all by yourself._

"I'm in love," he replied quietly before brushing through his bangs and doing his best to stop thinking about Hoseok having to go to jail. If that happened there was nothing he could do anymore, so he had to act now.

"Hallelujah," Minhyuk muttered, words thickly laced with sarcasm but a brief glance at the pursed lips revealed a genuine smile.

"Fine, so you're in a patent battle with your crush and I have to be caught in between? Where the hell did you get the money from?"

"It's his," Hyungwon replied and wondered if drinking four cups of coffee in two different cafes per day was suspicious. Hopefully not.

"You stole his money to apply for a patent in his name?" The disbelief was blatantly obvious as Minhyuk tried to look at his face again to determine whether he was kidding. "It's the guy at the library, isn't it? The buff one with the pretty lips."

He hummed and kept inputting things for the patent while staring at the ridiculously high balance in his account. Hyungwon didn't even care that it was going to change, happy that it would be gone and used for a good cause at least once in its dirty money life.

"Where the fuck did you get this much money from? Is he rich? Then why doesn't he apply for his own fucking patent?" Minhyuk groaned out loud, but grabbed his tablet and sat down on the bed, waiting for him to describe what the benefits of the program were and why it required its own patent.

"Because he is of the opinion that there is nothing but misery out there for him. I'm going to prove him wrong, because there's me." Holding his breath because the words made him emotional, Hyungwon turned towards his best friend and got to work.

_If he isn't going to build his future, then you're going to build it for him._

_A future with you in it._

_

Hyungwon felt like a mess as he stood in front of the old residential building that looked like nobody would bother to live there.

_Nobody apart from a man who doesn't want to get used to comfort._

It was actually funny that he considered himself a mess even though he was wearing decent, tight jeans, a button down and his spring trench coat. Since he wasn't going to work, there was no need to be a nerdy computer science student or to make sure that he didn't get any attention. He was just himself, only nervous after everything he had done two nights ago and over the past two days.

_You sent them off, now it's done. He won't know what exactly you did and won't be able to pull them back, even if he wants to._

Maybe Hyungwon was afraid of being scolded, of Hoseok getting furious because he had gotten involved to such a degree.

_But he also said he loves you, that he wants you more than his revenge._

What else was Hyungwon supposed to do apart from finding more reasons for Hoseok to stay around?

Inhaling once more, he finally pushed open the front door and hurried up the stairs. He wanted to see Hoseok, badly ever since the older man left his bed that morning. It was attachment at its finest, but Hyungwon felt like it was mutual, like there was nobody else that made Hoseok feel this way.

_Which is why you aren't going to let him go._

Applying pressure to the wooden door, Hyungwon listened as it gave in and stepped into the small room. He made sure to be quiet and took off his coat, placing it on the sole chair in the room.

Hoseok was lying on the bed and quickly sat up, glancing at him and eyes widening in an expression of pure terror.

"Fuck, what are you doing here, Hyungwon? You need to leave," the low voice whispered before Hoseok cleared his throat. He looked miserable, face unhealthy pale and one palm littered with thin, dark nail marks.

_What happened?_

Hyungwon didn't know what to do at first, shocked to see Hoseok in such a state. A quiet voice in his head told him that it must be because of him, because of getting involved, but why would Hoseok look so terrified?

"I wanted to see you," he replied carefully and slipped out of his shoes. That made it more difficult to push him out of the door in case Hoseok planned on going that far. His adrenaline spiked up and he suddenly remembered the way Hoseok had been shaking in his bed, telling him to leave repeatedly even though it was the last thing he wanted.

_No way in hell are you going anywhere._

"You really need to leave because they can't connect you to me. I will- I will never say your name, ever, but you can't be around here or they might just take you too to question you. That can't happen, you need to leave, Hyungwon, I don't know when they'll come, but you can't be here." Hoseok scratched over the fabric of his jeans and stood up, walking towards him with steps that looked anything but stable. It's been two days since they saw each other, but he wondered what could've made Hoseok so miserable in that short time.

_You're not leaving._

Instead of waiting for Hoseok to come to him, he simply walked the last few steps on his own and wrapped his arms around the older man, pulling him to his chest.

"Who the hell are 'they', Hoseok?" he asked carefully, but made sure to keep his grip tight as his fingers stroked over Hoseok's black hair. The older man seemed so terrified, like something was going to happen any second.

_Did something go wrong while you were preparing the patents? Did he make the next step?_

His breath hitched and he tried to calm himself even though his mind was already going through every possible scenario in which Hoseok would be afraid of somebody coming for him and questioning Hyungwon.

_The police. He's expecting the police, but why?_

"They are the police. He- took my laptop and everything is on there. Once he gives it to the police, they will eventually be able to access the data on it after some time, then they will come here and take me away. I don't want you to be here, I'm- I'm waiting for them." A shiver passed through the broad body as Hoseok just stood there without a single movement.

_The laptop, they got the laptop._

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he froze at first, disbelieving that the police had managed to get access to Hoseok's laptop in the span of two days, the time that Hyungwon had used the laptop data to create patents.

_This is surreal._

"Who is he?" he asked as a shudder travelled down his back, a side effect of how dangerous this was, how close he had been to loosing Hoseok without even knowing.

"Roberto. He-" Hoseok inhaled and held his breath for a few seconds. "He was searching for me and found me, because of the lighter. I met him yesterday in front of my car but didn't know that he had taken the laptop already. That's why he wasn't scared… He knew that he had me."

_That piece of shit._

"They won't come, Hoseok." His voice was quiet but firm as he kept brushing through the older man's hair and made sure that they were as close as physically possible, shivers passing through both of their bodies. Hoseok must have been so terrified, so afraid of going back.

_Which is why he isn't going to go back._

"They will. Hyungwon, I'm going back there and I can't- I can't risk you being involved in this. I will never forgive myself, ever. Please leave, I beg you," the low voice whispered and Hoseok leaned back, eyes wet and chewing on his lips.

_You're already involved._

"They won't," he repeated again and leaned in to press a kiss against Hoseok's trembling lips, so relieved that for once he had done the right thing without even knowing. "There's nothing to find on your laptop. I erased it."

_You were so worried that he might be furious, only for this to happen._

"You… what?" The look in the black eyes was hard to take. The confusion and disbelief, the deep devastation was all visible at once and it hurt.

"When you stayed over I-" Hyungwon swallowed down his hesitation and cupped Hoseok's face before kissing him again. "I erased what was on it. The only thing they can find is the factory default setting with a bit of personal data that is meaningless."

_Because you wanted him to let go of it and be with you instead._

"You erased what was on it? That…" The other man was at a loss for words and only then did Hyungwon feel his tender fingers around his waist. "You mean… they won't find anything? Are you sure? But what about the accounts?"

_Now he'll know._

"They won't find anything, there isn't even access to your accounts on there," he murmured and took a deep breath. "And even if they looked at your accounts… the money will be classified differently. The police won't come here, Hoseok."

The relief that he had felt slowly transformed into insecurity. After all, Hyungwon had made decisions all by himself, erasing the older man's computer, shifting his accounts and the money in them. He had done a lot and he hadn't even mentioned half of it yet.

_What if he still wants to continue and you're keeping him from it? But why would he if he's so terrified?_

"Why would you do all that?" Hoseok gasped, leaning back further to look at him properly. "Why are you risking things for me?"

"Because I love you," he whispered in reply, eyes fluttering shut for a few seconds because it should have been obvious. Hyungwon had said it so many times and still there was so much doubt. "And because you said that you love me too. How could I leave it the way it was if you could still decide to go on a suicide mission? I'm not letting you, Hoseok."

"I keep changing my mind. I want you more, but then I saw him and the things he said… They made me want to continue, to hurt him in return as much as I can, but after realizing that he had my laptop and knew that I was going back there, to that place. To the place where there's no you." Suddenly Hoseok sank to the ground, wrapping his arms around his knees and rubbing his cheek against the rough fabric of his skinny jeans. "I'm so sorry for everything."

_But why would he be sorry?_

Hyungwon couldn't understand why the older man had to apologize if he was the one who was constantly being reminded of the way he had been mistreated, used and abandoned right after. He couldn't bear to see Hoseok hurt like that, terrified of going back but at the same time convinced that he had to.

"There's no reason to be sorry," he whispered and kneeled, arms wrapping around Hoseok to keep him close and lips covering the black hair with kisses. He wanted to provide comfort, but he didn't know how, not when there was so much devastation he had to fight against. The older man had seemed invincible when Hyungwon saw him for the first time, but nobody was invincible and it was unbearable to be alone. "You won't be going back there, because I won't let you. I'll be right here and I won't leave when you tell me to because I know that you don't mean it. You don't want me to leave just like you don't want to go back there. That asshole is using your emotions, hoping to get ahead of you, but we won't let him. We have to make sure he deals with his losses all on his own, Hoseok, without having to get involved because you have your own life to live. Preferably next to me, mmh?"

"But what if I pull you down with me? What if I hurt the only person that I love? I won't be able to live like that, Hyungwon. Even that person, who was close to me for such a long time told me he didn't care whether I rot in jail or die, how can you be so nice to me? I didn't do anything for you, Hyungwon. Nothing. I just followed my plan and pulled you into it. Am I dreaming all this? Fuck." Hoseok pulled him closer, stroking over his back and whispering the words against his neck.

_He only knows how it was with that poor excuse for a human and nothing else._

"That person was a fucking asshole, Hoseok. I'm not going to let you be on your own just because there was somebody who dared to treat you that way. It's enough, he's done fucking enough and now I'm going to take care of you." Hyungwon's voice wasn't as convincing as he wanted it to be, but that was a side effect of his emotions. It felt overwhelming to see Hoseok like this, terrified of going back and at the same time just as terrified of breaking what they had built up between them.

_This is exactly why you are doing all this, to make sure he has more things to hold on to. You might not be enough, but you can be the start._

"You think you didn't do anything for me? Then create a company, Hoseok. Use the money that I marked as investment transactions and start a company with the things that you have developed. We can develop even more if we want to. I'm still studying, but I can do my best to help out." He talked quickly, hoping to get the words across before his own fear and insecurities caught up with him. Hyungwon wanted Hoseok to start anew.

_With you._

Of course he was still dependent on his position at the small start up, needing the money, but it was only a matter of time before Matteo threw him out. The way his boss had been treating him was enough of a warning, pointless tasks, insults to his work and motivation, threats that he wasn't good enough for a permanent position. It was all there.

_A few months ago you would have been so scared, but now you can't get yourself to care._

Somehow money stopped being his main concern.

"But I'm a criminal, Hyungwon. How can I… I've never taken responsibility for someone and for someone's future." Suddenly the older man let go of him and curled up, hiding his face in his knees.

_He's so scared, Hyungwon. So fucking scared._

He didn't allow Hoseok to beat himself up like that and tried to wrap himself around the older man, holding him from behind hoping that it made it better.

_You're not sure either, but you want to make it work, so that'll have to be enough._

"You don't have to take responsibility for me or my future, Hoseok. I'm an adult and I can do that myself. The important bit is that I want you to be part of that future." He spoke softly, whispering the words into Hoseok's ear. "We'll figure it out, you only need to tell me that you want to, that you want to be with me and find a way to make this work. You're no criminal. Even if it had been your fault, you already served your time. Now it's time to live your life. With me."

Hoseok didn't say anything, shaking in his embrace and pushing his nails into the skin of his own forearms. The quick breaths and a few accompanying coughs hinted that the person in his arms was having a panic attack, scared for his life as his body tried to deal with the consequences of a fear that sat so deep that Hyungwon had no access. After a few minutes, when Hoseok’s breathing slowed and he felt the muscular body relax, he hesitantly wrapped around him, gently caressing his back. "Thank you. Thank you for saving me," Hoseok whispered.

Hyungwon hummed, perfectly aware that the older man in his arms had saved him too.

_

He just managed to send off a report regarding a missing item to the Milan Lost & Found service when Hoseok walked out of the tiny bathroom. The older man had decided to shower after fighting his fears and embracing for several hours without saying a word. It was understandable judging by the drops that had soaked Hoseok's shirt and the taste of salt that accompanied each time he kissed the older man's neck or forehead.

Hyungwon accepted it, even if he couldn't be sure that he understood. When Hoseok stood up and murmured that he wanted to shower, he hadn't stopped him or offered to join even though he would have liked to. Instead he occupied himself with his phone and his very elaborate report on a laptop that was stolen and was hopefully going to pop up again.

_They won't discover anything on it, so they'll pretend that somebody 'found' it and give it back._

"Are you feeling better?" he asked with a smile as Hoseok's black eyes appeared from under the grey towel the older man used to dry his hair.

_You have to get him out of here, even if just for a few hours._

"Mhm, definitely cleaner," the older man whispered and ruffled up his hair before hanging the towel back on the hook and walking to the small cupboard to pull out new underwear.

"Then how about you cover your gorgeous body in clothes - even if I prefer you like this - and drive me somewhere exciting?" Hyungwon grinned before standing up and making his way towards Hoseok to hug him from behind and place a kiss on his right shoulder. The scent was nice, even though it wasn't a scented shower gel. One might have thought the older man used something neutral on purpose. "I have a place I would love to show you."

"You want me to drive you somewhere?" Hoseok looked surprised, but let the towel fall to the floor and got dressed, looking at nothing in particular. "Sure. Let me eat a protein bar, I can't remember the last time I had anything. Can't pass out while driving."

_Holy fuck._

"Do that, I wanted to go to a cafe afterwards anyway. I'm definitely going to watch you eat a gigantic panini, so you can prepare for that." Chewing on his cheek, he made sure to give Hoseok enough space to slip into a pair of jeans and a shirt and wondered whether a protein bar was nearly enough. "Maybe you should add something sweet to the combo. An apple or something."

_He must have been lying here, waiting for the police to come and get him. As if… he was already back there._

Hoseok unwrapped a protein bar and took a bite, chewing slowly and making funny motions with his mouth and cheeks. "I would if I had anything to eat here. I was a little out of it, so I don't have anything. A panini sounds good."

_You can't let him stay here anymore. He'll just die._

"Amazing, then let's get going." Still smiling even though his brain was creating horror scenarios, Hyungwon slipped into his trench coat and pulled his shoes over his feet. "I might not look like it, but the place where I want to go is my favorite."

"And how do you look? Gorgeous? How is that related to the place?" The older man closed the door and slowly walked down the stairs, looking at his feet.

Hyungwon smiled at the compliment letting it warm his chest as all the fake bravado with which Hoseok had flirted before was gone. He liked it secure in the knowledge that he had the power to bring it back.

"You'll see," he replied quietly as they both got into the car. His fingers were quick to find their way to Hoseok's thigh, squeezing it once before simply tracing its whole length. It felt surreal, like going on a date and somehow Hyungwon couldn't remember the last time he did it, openly and without choosing places that nobody ever went to. "I want you to drive to the Pinacoteca di Brera."

Hoseok's eyes widened briefly as he drove towards the main street, past the Parco Sempione, spreading his legs for comfort and chewing on his lips as he liked doing when he was focused on his own thoughts. "You like that place? I think I've been there once. With the orphanage."

"It's my favourite part of Milan." Hyungwon smiled at himself and kept caressing Hoseok's thigh, enjoying how close they were and how normal everything seemed for once. "I know it's not the usual place for a computer scientist to hang out, but I love going when there's barely anybody else, just looking at paintings and enjoying the air. I… I like how it smells there."

"I don't remember the smell, but I'm pretty sure anything smells better than a cell, so I'm looking forward to it."

A few minutes passed during which Hoseok kept his gaze on the road and didn't say a single word, but then, at some point, he felt the careful touch of Hoseok's delicate fingers on his palm, travelling up his forearm and caressing the fine hairs absentmindedly. A shudder passed over his back at the sensation and he sucked his lips into his mouth.

When Hoseok found a parking spot only a few meters from the gallery, Hyungwon remained in the car for a little longer. He was reluctant to let go, so his fingers remained on the fabric of Hoseok's jeans, scratching lightly. He was being shameless because despite knowing that the older man had a mental breakdown, he felt the urge to connect their lips, climb on top of his lap and ride him, right there in the car.

"I'll show you my favorite paintings," he whispered and held his breath for a few seconds before finally climbing out of the car. The blush on his face probably looked healthy, so he welcomed it and hurried towards the museum entrance. He knew the place by heart.

_This time there's somebody coming along with you._

"You seem really excited. I- I like how genuine you look. At least I hope that it's genuine, one can never know, but right now your smile looks nice."

_Time to be genuine then._

"I look excited because I successfully convinced myself not to jump you in your car instead of showing you my secret happy place that nobody ever wanted to join me at. Yeah." Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip and considered skipping Hoseok's reaction, but in the end he couldn't resist and held out his hand instead.

"I don't know if anybody ever told you but… in my opinion you deserve everything good in this world," the handsome man commented and reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers. "Please show me."

"Everything good?" Hyungwon asked and couldn't contain a smile. "Like your hand?"

Hoseok had been right about the excitement bubbling in his chest, so vibrant that it was probably visible even before Hyungwon realized that it was there. He tugged Hoseok along to the cashier and showed his membership card before buying a ticket for the older man. The timing was perfect and there weren't as many tourists as usual, only a few couples or artists that let the artworks sink in quietly.

Hoseok followed him quietly as usual and if there hadn't been the warm feeling in his chest and the delicate fingers carefully stroking over the back of his hand, he wouldn't have realized that he was not alone for once.

His steps led him towards his favorite painting all on their own, Francesco Hayez' 'The Kiss'. Hyungwon's eyes instantly travelled over the familiar colors, the way the man held the girl while hiding his face, giving the whole scene something intimate but also secret.

_A dirty little secret._

"It's my favorite," he whispered and only belatedly realized that he was squeezing Hoseok's hand too tightly.

Hoseok hummed and looked at the picture, eyes jumping from one spot to the next, before his company considered it more interesting to look at him instead. "Why?" the low voice asked.

"It's… intimate," he replied at first, choosing the way it made him feel when he first saw it. "But she also looks a little scared, like she knows that something might happen. She's all out in the open, but the man kissing her is hidden from view, dressed in dark like a shadow that could disappear any moment. I think... I felt like that a lot."

"Mhm. I don't like the guy in the picture. That's why I was wondering about your reasons." Hoseok commented and walked around him. When the older man stopped right behind him, he wrapped his muscular arms around his waist and leaned with his cheek against his shoulder. "You must've felt like a flaw. Somebody who was there but who shouldn't be openly presented to anyone. It's a lie. I don't think that you're a flaw."

Hyungwon's lips trembled as he tried to think of something sarcastic to say, but didn't manage. His hands played with the third button of his shirt while the pleasant weight of Hoseok's head remained on his shoulder. It felt like an imagination of his, a scenario in which what he knew was right in front of him while he imagined something different standing across from it, a scene in which he was embraced without hesitation.

"Kiss me," he whispered, testing the boundaries of his mind, wondering why he had decided to come see the painting in the first place.

The few seconds that the weight still lingered on his shoulder felt like an eternity before Hoseok leaned back and walked around him, stopping right in front and partially covering the painting with his broad build. The person in front of him was more beautiful than any painting, and it felt unreal when Hoseok stepped closer, carefully cupped his face and leaned in to kiss him, warm lips enveloping his.

He trembled, unable to help it and hesitated to move. Somehow it still felt like a fantasy of his, a better version of the painting that he wished was there but that could dissipate into thin air any second. When the warmth spread from his lips to his cheeks and down to his chest, Hyungwon's eyes widened and he wrapped his arms around the firm neck. Maybe he was holding on too tightly, he didn't know, but he couldn't loosen his grip.

_Not when it feels like he might slip away just like that._

One hand sunk into his hair, massaging his scalp just like the first time and the other wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer. Hoseok didn't seem to care about rules or whether other people would judge them, he just kissed him without holding back, tasting his lips and tongue and holding him close.

Hyungwon's eyes felt wet, but he ignored it and focused on the heat in his chest instead. He concentrated on the warm hands that held onto him and pulled him close, the curved lips that touched his, even though there were people around them. He could barely breathe, reluctant to part when being close like this made him feel so much. Feel like for once he had nothing in common with the painting he was next to.

Nothing but the fact that it was a kiss.

***

Maybe everything was a foggy dream, so fitting to the Milano winter that passed as quickly as it came while he was desperately trying to prove to himself that he was important enough to be cared about.

_Just that the only person who seems to care is him._

Hyungwon had told him that he erased all the evidence from his laptop one day prior to Roberto finding and taking it. What angered him most was that he would've been angry, if the handsome man had told him that in any other situation, but he ended up being scared of going back to prison and shaking in the slim arms because he couldn't believe that Hyungwon saved him in the end.

_And he even took you to a place that he likes and showed you his favorite painting._

Hoseok couldn't understand. Maybe it was because he was a complete amateur when it came to art, but the painting made him a little angry. The guy looked like a jerk, hiding and kissing the woman in a way that looked a bit forced and as Hyungwon explained, it made him feel scared. As if the person who was kissing him would disappear from sight as soon as there was enough light shining on his face.

_He must be in so much pain._

Hoseok didn't know how to deal with anybody's pain but his own, but it seemed to him that holding the beautiful man close, letting him feel his arms around his body would somehow make the feeling better.

_Maybe you have no idea._

Hyungwon helped him out by asking to be kissed. He couldn't explain it, but it felt so intimate. As if this kiss was so much more than just a kiss, as if it was some kind of a promise, a proof, something that entailed so much at once and made his skin tingle when he finally stepped closer and kissed Hyungwon's plump mouth. The sensations were different, but the most remarkable difference was that he couldn't feel any of his own pain. The anxiety that made it hard to breathe and made him escape to the shower and walk slowly because his legs didn't want to listen, even after the panic attack was over, all of those things didn't seem to matter when he kissed Hyungwon, when he felt the gorgeous man wrap his arms around his neck, tasted him and hummed into the motions of their lips.

Needing to breathe, he leaned back and inhaled, staring at the emotions in the big eyes that threatened to spill.

"You're not a flaw," he whispered again, holding back any confessions because there was no space for his own insecurities when Hyungwon was in pain and shared a hurtful memory, a thought with him.

"Neither are you," Hyungwon replied and brushed a strand of black hair away from his eyes before cupping his face. The boy was still looking at him with that gaze of his that made him hold his breath. "Stay with me, Hoseok. Please."

He swallowed, remembering the promises and lies he was used to. He didn't want to lie and he didn't want to be lied to anymore. "I don't want to leave you," he whispered in reply because it was true but didn't contain any promises he could break.

"Then don't." Hyungwon sucked his plump lips into his mouth and stepped back. The distance didn't stay for long as slim fingers slipped into the spaces between his own and tugged him through the museum. They passed paintings and sculptures, pausing at some longer than others while Hyungwon explained why he liked them or why they made him uncomfortable. There were many works of art that the boy talked about, but none of them made him tremble the way the first painting had.

When they reached the hall they had started at, Hyungwon smiled brightly and gestured in the direction of the car.

"It's time for your panini. You definitely deserve one after spending this much time at my happy place."

"It was interesting. Especially because you talk so much. I learned a lot of things about you. For example that you like muscular butts and that religious art is not your thing." He smiled, secretly treasuring every piece of information that Hyungwon shared with him. After leaving the cell, he tried not to pay attention to what people said and only focused on whether he needed it for his revenge, but thinking about it, before, he had considered everything that he remembered precious. Before Roberto had turned his memory into a hell he was trying to escape.

"You're- very thorough about this," Hyungwon mumbled as they made their way towards the car. Once both of them were seated, a grin appeared on the plump lips. "I like yours the most. It's a work of art and would get its own pedestal."

"It is indeed muscular, you're right," Hoseok chuckled and turned towards the handsome man who fixed his glasses. "Where would you like me to take you?"

"Il salotto." Hyungwon was still smiling as he leaned back but let his long fingers return to his thigh, caressing it the way he had on their way to the art gallery. "I love the little cafes and the atmosphere. Have you been there before? I don't know if you are familiar with local names, but I'm talking about the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II."

Of course, Hoseok was familiar with it. Roberto had taken him to all kinds of cafes and restaurants and The Galleria was one of the places he went to frequently before his life stopped. Looking at his attitre, the ripped jeans and simple black shirt didn't look like the company CEO he used to be, but then again he was an ex convict now. An ex convict and nothing else.

"I'm familiar, yes," he murmured in reply and turned right because he knew where to find a parking spot as those were rare in that area.

"Is it a place you dislike?" Hyungwon asked quietly as the man's fingers squeezed his thigh, pulling his attention back from his memories. "I like affordable prices, so I'm not sure if you've been where I want to go."

"Affordable? Probably not. But I'm looking forward to it," he murmured and chuckled right after, one hand lifting to ruffle his hair before he partially covered Hyungwon's hand that rested on his thigh. The small touches felt so good and reassuring even though he had shivered before, wanting to run away or fight.

"You know what's important apart from deciding to live your life?" Hyungwon asked him suddenly when he pulled the car into a parking spot that he skillfully identified, still within walking distance of il salotto. "Actually living it. Which is why we're going to have an awesome time, drink coffee, eat panini and stop acting like we did something terrible. Because we didn't."

_Living. Sounds alien._

He smiled because it sounded nice, like the life of somebody else, somebody that wasn't him. He stepped out of the car and waited for Hyungwon to follow him around the corner to take a shortcut through a cafe.

"You've really been here," the younger man remarked before simply intertwining their fingers and making his way to the back of the gorgeous gallery. Hyungwon glanced up at the glass ceiling once in a while, looking happy. "My favorite cafe is super tiny because the rent for space here is expensive I assume. But it's also delicious and affordable and I can flirt with you without anybody giving a shit."

Grinning at him, Hyungwon hurried past several luxurious shops without bothering to look inside and stopped at a cafe that Hoseok would have overlooked, simply because it was indeed tiny.

"I remembered it because I thought of that time you invited me for tagliatelle. I don't know if you generally like places like this one, but I do." Pulling him inside, Hyungwon smiled at the single waiter who was probably also the owner and sat down at a table in the corner. The choice was an easy one as there were only three tables in total.

"It looks cozy," he commented and leaned against the comfortable backrest, spreading his legs. "Are you a regular here?"

Hyungwon nodded and Hoseok could feel the boy's long legs surrounding his right calf.

"I usually come here in between classes, it's nice." Accepting two menus from the waiter, Hyungwon handed him one while observing him intently. After a few seconds the boy exhaled loudly. "I want to know what he told you, Hoseok."

He stopped reading but didn't lift his gaze from the menu, staring at the word 'cappuccino' until it blurred and he finally dared to look up. "When?"

"When he took your laptop." Hyungwon spoke quietly while still stroking along his calf, confusing the sensations of proximity and the dread that returned at the memory of his conversation with Roberto.

"Nothing much," he pressed out, glancing back at the menu but being entirely unable to read anything. "Mostly that he doesn't care whether I'm dead, sneaking around in Milan or rotting in jail. I mean it's not anything I didn't know."

"He said that even though he was basically pissing his pants when he came to me?" Hoseok could feel Hyungwon's eyes on him as the menu was slowly removed from his fingers and placed on the table. Warm hands enveloped his own instead as the boy tried to look at his face. "The only one who should be rotting in jail is him and I don't even mean the company business. I mean for doing this to you. That piece of shit thinks he's safe on his high horse because he believes he can still manipulate you. He manipulates everybody, Matteo too. Was that his conclusion? That you can't do anything against him?"

"His conclusion? That he's better than me, that he's living his life and is a proper human and I'm trash who cares while he doesn't give a single shit about me, I guess. He gave me the lighter back," Hoseok chuckled and inhaled sharply. "So nice of him."

"You don't need that lighter anymore." Hyungwon's hands kept holding onto his until the boy tugged briefly, just enough to have Hoseok look up and meet his gaze. "How important is it for you to make him suffer the consequences, Hoseok? Will you be able to forget about everything and be with me instead?"

_Can you?_

Hoseok wasn't sure whether he was able to do anything besides breaking apart into even smaller pieces. The person that held onto his hands genuinely cared about him, that he knew, but could he really breathe knowing that the person who broke him was able to run around without suffering any consequences for the way he treated people. Maybe Hyungwon didn't understand what kind of person Roberto was to him.

"We met at a conference in 2015, five years ago. I had finished my studies and was working for a startup back then and was the one who had to go to the conference to present the products because I participated in developing them. He came to our exhibition booth and asked questions about the software, but then at some point I realized he was not interested in the software, but in me. We went for coffee during the breaks and talked the whole evening before ending up in bed. I thought it wasn't going anywhere as after three days he still hadn't called me even though he had my card, but after a few months, on a Saturday, he suddenly did. Now that I'm thinking about it, it was a bit weird, but I didn't think anything back then. I was simply surprised that he called." Hoseok stopped to order a cappuccino and a panini with mozzarella before closing his eyes for a bit, recollecting all the things that happened back then, in his previous life.

Hyungwon nodded and kept stroking over the back of his hand, eyes attentive as he waited for him to continue.

"We met for a coffee, and he quizzed me about my skills, about what kind of things I could do before suddenly offering to invest in my business if I decide to start my own company. Again, I didn't think much of it back then and agreed because I had many ideas but only a little freedom to develop them past the prototype stage. He invested in the company like he promised and we started getting closer. We had sex frequently, but we never talked about it being anything more than that, until he suddenly suggested that we should date. I agreed. It made sense, we spent so much time together. I think the point where I got in too deep was when he took me to see his parents and his family in Florence. We had dinner together and his mom was so nice to me, trying to feed me and asking about me, I felt welcomed there. And then, in the evening on their terrace after he poured me more wine after having three glasses, I told him that I don't have parents, that I'm an orphan, he told me he would be my family instead." His lips spread in a smile because he couldn't believe that it actually happened, but his memory didn't trick him. Not now and not ever. "After that he was everything I needed, I became successful and returned his investment threefold, started developing new software for the stock exchange. I analyzed those two years day by day when I sat in the cell for and I think it started when I began to develop the verification software. He was a bit nervous, but I thought it was because his business was going really well. In the end I know that he was scared because we had talks about cyber security and he never managed to persuade me that it didn't matter. Wasn't it just a disagreement between two people? That's what I thought, but he must've felt threatened. Threatened enough to keep my trust, tell me that we would buy a house in Tuscany and drink wine on the terrace just the two of us while faking my signature on documents and buying shares in my name, opening accounts in my name in the Caribbean and making fraudulent transactions. It must've gone on for over four months. How can you be close to a person, kiss and touch them for months, knowing you want to throw them away in the end? I still don't understand. On that day, we had sex. Two times in a row, and he said he would get us something delicious for breakfast and I should stay in bed and not get out. He took my laptop on his way out and after thirty minutes the police came with an arrest warrant. That's it."

Hyungwon didn't say anything at first, breathing through his nose as two cups of coffee were placed in front of them, a cappuccino for him and an espresso for Hyungwon.

"You can do that when you're a manipulative asshole that doesn't give a single shit about other people's emotions. He only cares about what benefits him. That's why he became nicer to me too, compensating for the way Matteo talked to me and only making him angrier. He seems to know when he needs a person and when he doesn't, using their weaknesses shamelessly." The younger man looked furious, emptying his espresso with a single gulp while still holding onto his hands. "But he has a weakness too, Hoseok. A very obvious one. He talks too much."

_He does._

"He thinks he's invincible. If you hadn't erased everything from my laptop he would be right." He sighed and took a sip from his cappuccino. It tasted good, but he remembered the familiar face that he saw from the dock. "I saw him once in court. He sat there and said that he didn't know me, that he was fooled and pulled into my criminal actions and that he submitted all the evidence to the police in the hopes that I would be strictly punished for what I did. I just sat there. I couldn't believe it. Even after all this time, sometimes it seems as if it's some kind of nightmare. Somebody I considered my family, telling me to rot in jail for something I didn't do."

"We'll make him pay."

At first Hoseok thought he misunderstood, especially after all those times Hyungwon told him to give up and be with him instead. But then Hyungwon repeated the words and tilted his head to be able to look at him properly.

"We'll make him pay, Hoseok. But we aren't going to be sacrificial about this, understood?" A grin briefly appeared on Hyungwon's lips before he chewed on his cheek and continued. "He has no evidence against you, but you have evidence against him. The problem is that the police will be reluctant to believe you, unless… Roberto admits it himself. He relaxes very easily when he feels superior and says a lot of things he shouldn't. If I had recorded our conversations I could have already put him in jail with that alone. The problem is that I don't know enough for him to be reckless, but you do. If you… were able to play inferior, you could tickle the information out of him, it would be enough to get him arrested, Hoseok."

He listened, trying to make sense of the words. Last time he met Roberto, he was unable to breathe, but maybe, when he prepared himself, he could make him talk. "I don't know. Maybe." To be honest he was exhausted. Tired and hurt by the confirmation that Roberto didn't care. That he indeed didn't act impulsively, but thoughtfully, cold headed, and that a potential threat to his money was enough to put an innocent person in prison.

"But you don't have to. What I'm trying to say is that… no matter what you decide to do, I'll be there for you." The black-haired boy looked a little nervous as he used one hand to fix his glasses. "I'll help you, but I won't let you go to jail because that's not where you belong. You belong with me and the only one who should be there and stop hurting innocent people is him."

"Aren't you scared of being pulled into this?" Hoseok whispered and used his leg to stroke over Hyungwon's thigh. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Sometimes I feel like you're the only one who doesn't." Hyungwon smiled back and reached out to stroke over his hair, fingers sinking in between the strands to have a firm enough grip to pull him into a kiss. "I'm already pulled into this and I don't mind. I know why I'm doing this, namely for you. I already got rid of all evidence on your computer and cleared your accounts. If there is something I can do to keep you next to me, then I'm going to do it."

"You're crazy," he whispered, inhaling deeply and missing the hot lips against his own. "I love you."

"Then come home with me instead of that room of yours and let's figure this out." Grinning, Hyungwon took a big bite of his panini and seemed to have slipped out of his sneakers as Hoseok suddenly felt a warm foot on his inner thigh. It travelled towards his groin while the boy chewed cheerfully. "I love you too, so include me and we'll make the best out of it."

He inhaled and caught the slim sock clad foot, stroking over it and smiling back. "I'm still a broken cup, Hyungwon, but I'll try."

"I don't care if you think it's broken, you're my favorite cup and I'm going to treasure every single piece." Hyungwon seemed to enjoy the way his fingers danced over his foot as the blush increased on the boy's face and he used his toes to rub over his groin. "I've been kissing each shard I could find, no matter how small, so feel free to show me more so I can cover them in kisses too."

"Being with you makes the act of eating seem like a waste of time," he muttered, shifting his hips forward to enable Hyungwon to touch him more and stuffing the rest of his panini into his mouth.

"Then maybe you can eat your panini and then-" Chewing on his cheek, the boy let his foot travel from his abdomen along the front of his pants, applying more pressure right where it had an effect. "Eat me."

Hoseok licked the crumbs from his lips and took his cup, drinking the rest of his cappuccino and licking the foam from his lips too. "I want you."

"The kind where you can wait until we are home or the kind where I'm allowed to climb on your lap and ride you in your car?" Hyungwon let his foot run over his dick one more time before slipping it back into his shoe and taking out a twenty euro bill that he placed in the middle of the table.

"The kind where I want to eat you and fuck you while standing. The car won't do," he whispered, feeling the arousal burn in his lower stomach and between his legs. "I hope you paid for this with the stock money."

"That is reserved for the company you're going to create for the two of us," Hyungwon replied and Hoseok loved the blush that remained on the boy's face even though his trench coat hid everything else. Stretching out his left hand, the boy observed him intently, examining his face and body. "Take me home."

Hoseok took the big palm and intertwined their fingers, letting his leather jacket hang loosely on one shoulder as they made their way towards the car. As soon as he sat in the driver's seat, his fingers traced the form of Hyungwon's firm thigh before he had to shift into gear and remove his hand.

Hyungwon settled deep into the car seat, breathing through his round nose and absentmindedly caressing his own thighs, nails scratching along the surface of his jeans. The sight reminded Hoseok of the way the boy had touched himself watching him at the office. After a few seconds, the long fingers travelled over the border between their seats towards his thigh, tracing the muscles and gradually moving upwards to his groin.

"You drive me mad and you're not even doing anything," Hyungwon whispered and suddenly leaned in to close his lips around a patch on his shoulder, biting lightly before the boy leaned back again. "Fuck my life."

"No, fuck my life. I thought I had my libido under control." Hoseok bit down on his bottom lip and stepped on the gas, attempting to be at Hyungwon's place faster.

"You did until you ditched him in order to fuck me on my desk." Hyungwon inhaled and returned his fingers to his own thighs, scratching along them and travelling upwards to his button down. After a few deep breaths he undid three buttons at once. "I wanted you so fucking much and I still do. I might have looked like I didn't care each time I turned around and left, but I sat in that office after you were done with him and touched myself while thinking of your gaze."

"I didn't want him. Not even once. I wanted nothing but then I ended up wanting you. So much that my hands hurt because I couldn't touch you." He drove recklessly and parked in front of Hyungwon's door like an asshole, turning towards the gorgeous man, breath hitching at the sight.

Hyungwon was breathing rapidly as he carefully undid his seat belt without breaking eye contact. Hoseok wanted to touch him so badly, trace his collarbones and feel the heartbeat that hammered beneath them.

"You'll get a fine for this, you know that right?" the boy asked as his hand started reaching for the car door and his thighs spread for comfort. "I want you to carry me up those stairs and fuck me against a wall."

"Anything," he hissed and left the car, waiting for Hyungwon to open the front door before simply lifting him bridal style and kicking it open. "Anything you want."

Hyungwon didn't bother waiting only because he was being carried and stuffed the key into the lock of his apartment as soon as Hoseok reached it. When both of them were inside, the boy pushed his leather jacket off his shoulder and tugged at the fabric of his shirt to pull it over his head. As soon as the first patch of skin was visible, plump lips attached to it and Hoseok felt the boy's hot tongue drawing circles.

Hoseok moaned and grabbed a fistful of the black hair and pulled lightly, before using the grip to encourage Hyungwon to touch him more, make him go crazy. When the plump mouth attached to his nipples, he groaned, hands travelling down to rip the buttons off Hyungwon's shirt and be able to touch the smooth skin, see the gorgeous body that made him go crazy.

The urgency only increased as Hyungwon fought against his grip to be able to wrap his legs around him, using the leverage to slip lower until his knees touched the ground. The boy looked gorgeous with his shirt halfway down his shoulders and his big eyes staring at him from above the frames of his glasses. Moaning softly, Hyungwon made quick work of Hoseok's jeans and pulled them down his legs before littering his thighs with bites and kisses, gradually making his way towards his dick that he teased for a few seconds before simply swallowing it whole.

"Fuck," he groaned, throwing his head back and hitting it against the wooden pillar, hips stuttering forward and eyes rolling back. He was going crazy and Hyungwon's attractiveness didn't make it any easier to hold back. There was no holding back today. Moaning, he moved his hips again, holding Hyungwon's head in place and watching him with half lidded eyes. "Do you like that?" he whispered, moving back a bit.

Hyungwon hummed and relaxed his jaw in response, instantly following the grip on his hair. From the corner of his eye, Hoseok could see that the boy had opened the button of his jeans and stroked over the underwear-covered outline of his dick while pleasing him with his mouth. When Hoseok moved back to the point where only his tip was between Hyungwon's plump lips, the boy's tongue instantly played with his slit, encouraging him to move.

"I want you to sit on my face," he whispered, moving forward and burying himself between the swollen lips. "I want to hear your sounds. You make the best sounds."

Hyungwon smiled around his erection before letting go and sucking in a few big gulps of air that must have been necessary. Licking over his full lips to return the moisture, the boy pulled his jeans and underwear down his long legs. Hyungwon’s glasses were a little askew, but he fixed them with his index finger before returning his attention to Hoseok’s thighs that he covered in kisses and bites. The button down remained loose on his shoulders, the only piece of clothing that he was still wearing. He looked so good.

Hoseok stepped out of his jeans and took off his socks before simply grabbing the gorgeous man and carrying him the few steps to the bed. When he lay on his back and Hyungwon landed on top of him, he grabbed the small face and licked into Hyungwon's hot mouth hungrily. "Sit on my face, let me eat you like I know you want me to," he whispered against the swollen lips.

A shudder passed through the slim body and the blush on Hyungwon's cheeks intensified as the beautiful boy cursed quietly and arranged his lean thighs on each side of his face.

"I love how fucking eager you are," the boy moaned and Hoseok could see him quiver even before his tongue touched the pretty entrance.

"Because I want you so much that I'm going mad." He grabbed the gorgeous ass with both hands and pulled it towards his lips and tongue, teasing and circling before simply pushing his tongue into Hyungwon's tight body, enjoying the contractions and trembling thighs. Breathy moans followed right after, accompanied by Hyungwon's nails that scratched over his thighs and a tongue that licked over his tip unless it was interrupted by a moan.

Hoseok loved sex, but the months in prison taught himself control and that he didn't need to be close to anybody, just like he didn't need to have decent food. Pleasing the gorgeous man on top of him felt like a five course meal that he didn't want to miss out on.

A few minutes were enough to turn Hyungwon into a whimpering mess, unable to focus on stimulating his tip and constantly contracting around his tongue. Begs to have more entered his ears, but we're interrupted by loud groans of his name and curses.

At some point he wasn't able to think about anything else apart from the feeling of being inside Hyungwon's body. He moved back, fingers wrapping around the firm thighs and slapping Hyungwon's firm ass once. "Lie on your back," he breathed out.

Hyungwon hurried to the middle of the bed and simply threw himself on the mattress, breathing heavily with sweat drops covering his chest. The boy looked beautiful with swollen lips, pink cheeks and long legs lifted in the air as he wrapped his arms around his own thighs.

He didn't say anything because the situation didn't require any words, he simply lubed up and kneeled between Hyungwon's spread thighs. Wrapping his fingers around the other man's gorgeous length, he stroked it smoothly, pushing his tip past the tight ring of muscles.

"Shit," Hyungwon cursed and threw his head back, contracting around him a few times until the slim body relaxed and allowed him to slip deeper. "Please, Hoseok."

He continued stroking Hyungwon through the intrusion as he was quite a lot to take, even after rimming. Soon his hips touched Hyungwon's butt cheeks and he twitched in the tight body, mouth parting in a moan. "I love the way you take me," he breathed out and rubbed a drop of precum over Hyungwon's tip. He didn't want anything else if he could be connected to Hyungwon like this.

"Move and you'll see how well I can take you. Don't hold back." Hyungwon had his lips parted and used his right hand to brush his bangs away from his forehead. The boy was purposefully tightening around him and pulling him in as warm hands traced the muscles of his abdomen and chest. "You have a gorgeous body, Hoseok. Makes me want to memorize it with my tongue."

"I'm going to move," he murmured, unable to hold back and moved smoothly at first, giving Hyungwon time to relax and get used to him before roughly slamming his hips into the gorgeous body.

Hyungwon screamed, fingers digging into his sides where the boy was able to reach them and tried to gasp for breath right after, eyes wide.

"Shit, just like that."

He groaned, moving faster, rough breaths and low moans raining from his and Hyungwon's swollen lips, skin slapping against skin and sweat running down his chest. He loved it so fucking much, all of it, the feeling of tightness and contractions around him, the way Hyungwon met his thrusts, how he threw his glasses to the side and let his eyes flutter shut, attempting to sink his fingers into his thigh and scratch gorgeous red lines down its whole length.

Hoseok groaned at the slight pain that would've thrown him off before, but somehow, at that moment he felt as if the person with the big brown eyes that opened to look at him as if he was everything wouldn't hurt him **.**

As if it was okay to feel safe.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 13

Hyungwon shifted on his office chair, repeatedly attempting to find a position that didn't remind him of his soreness. Unfortunately, the chairs had rather tights seats and there was no way of putting less weight on his behind when he leaned forward to click around on his screen.

_That's your own fault though._

It was and he didn't regret it a single bit. Hoseok slept with him several times, the final time in the shower and he loved every second of it, kissing the older man without a break as the steam and their breaths fogged over the shower glass.

Hyungwon still felt excited when he remembered that Hoseok decided to stay over without much convincing and pulled him into his embrace, holding him tightly until the early morning. They had talked too, about all kinds of things. Hyungwon told Hoseok about his siblings, about university and how little time he suddenly had and Hoseok told him a few stories from the orphanage or about his own time at university.

_He sounds like he must have been so lonely, all this time._

The more Hyungwon heard, the more he wanted to change that, to be there for Hoseok and to maybe even find his brother from the orphanage for him. The boy that Hoseok shared a room with. So many things that happened to the older man sounded like a bad dream, but a single glance at the emotional black eyes was enough to know that it was the truth.

_He even told you that he couldn't touch himself in prison because there were cameras and no privacy._

Hyungwon still couldn't believe that Hoseok had been able to restrict himself like that, to survive almost two years in that place without a single person to come see him.

_He has you now. You won't let him go._

He had woken up the older man with a blowjob early in the morning and prepared some tomatoes with mozzarella before leaving for his first lecture. Of course it didn't solve anything, but it still made him feel good. It felt like they could make it work with some combined effort.

_Even though he might be gone when you return this evening._

Hyungwon really wanted Hoseok to move in with him, especially since that asshole knew where the older man lived and could return any time to harass him again and make him feel as miserable as Hyungwon had seen him.

_You won't let that happen anymore. It's fucking enough._

His days were ridiculously full now that university had started and even though he was only at work for a few hours every evening it felt like torture.

_Because of the way they treat you._

Shifting the glasses on his nose, Hyungwon clicked through the pointless tasks that Matteo assigned him. None of them corresponded to his level of skill and somehow it looked like the boss was trying to push him out of the project, occupy him with slave work while telling him that he wasn't good enough.

_Good that you removed most of what you did from the source code and secured it._

Steps outside of his door instantly made him straighten his back and Hyungwon successfully suppressed a wince when pain travelled up his back from the change in position.

A knock sounded and the door opened, revealing the tall, perfectly dressed man who ruined Hoseok's life. Stepping closer, Roberto put one of his hands into the pocket of his suit pants and waved at him with the other. "Hi there."

Hyungwon put on a smile that made him look naive, especially with his glasses and attire, and rolled back a little.

"Hi, I haven't seen you for quite some time, second boss," he replied and brushed through his hair, messing it up a little in the process. "Did you solve the problem with the transactions? I hid them all as you saw, but that person kept revealing them."

_He didn't do anything to you, but knowing what he did to Hoseok makes you want to choke him with your bare hands._

"Ah, yeah, there's a person like that, it's a bit annoying. I heard your colleague quit. Did you get along well?" The long fingers brushed over his desk before Roberto sat on the edge and tilted his head.

Since Hyungwon was decent at acting, but not perfect, he used the fact that he blushed a little and played with his mouse like he was nervous.

_A hint of truth is always good._

"Well- I wanted to _get to know him_ , he was very… nice, but he never talked much and then suddenly left." Chewing on his bottom lip he drew a few squares on the desktop with his mouse before looking at Roberto again. "I'm guessing that- I'm not really his age group."

"Ah, you were interested. He must've been handsome. Matteo told me that he left a few weeks ago. Did he work on the verification software with you?" Roberto smiled as if he wasn't trying to get information about Hoseok by questioning him.

_Smooth, but probably because he has nothing solid against Hoseok in his hands._

"You're pretty handsome too," he murmured, regretting that he didn't dress differently. However, the computer science student look made him seem less dangerous which was good with somebody like Roberto. "He didn't program and just watched. At first I thought it was a little annoying, because I couldn't code, but he never really said much even though he probably didn't get anything of what I was doing. The boss hired him for sales, but he mostly watched me code and asked what's special about the software."

Hyungwon spoke the truth again and successfully left out that Hoseok also fucked Roberto's boyfriend when he had the time. "Are you thinking of getting him back?"

"Well, I don't know where to find him. Matteo said that he couldn't contact him, so I thought maybe you had a way." Leaning back and spreading his legs a little, the other man smiled and licked his lips. "Your glasses are cute."

_That worked much faster than you thought._

"Thank you," he murmured and pushed the frame of his glasses up on his nose. It was a nervous gesture, but it fit perfectly this time. If he seemed eager then Roberto might be less careful around him. "He didn't give me any contact details, but-"

Hyungwon purposefully widened his eyes and clicked around on his computer a few times until he reached a few bits of code that Roberto was most likely unable to understand.

"But I could take a look at the computer he worked with! He did a lot on it and if there is anything private I could retrieve it and maybe get his address or phone number. Would that help?"

This time Roberto seemed genuinely surprised, lips parting. "Wow, you seem really skilled at this, Hyungwon. I like the way you think. It would be amazing if you could get any info."

"I'll do my best!" he exclaimed and smiled brightly, shirt slipping off his shoulder which he fixed quickly. "How much time do I have and how do I contact you? You seem like you want it quickly."

Smirking briefly, Roberto slipped one hand into the back pocket of his pants and got out a business card, handing it to him. "Just call me in case you find anything."

_That piece of shit._

"O-okay," he muttered as he accepted the card and held it with both hands. Unfortunately, the blush was gone already, but he fumbled with his hands and quickly made sure that he seemed preoccupied with that bit of random code he opened. "I'll try to find out as much as I can."

"I trust you will," Roberto commented before pushing himself off the desk and walking out of his office. "Call me," he added.

"I will!" Hyungwon exclaimed one last time before sinking into his chair as soon as the door closed and regretting it when pain shot up his back.

_At least he seems to be more fond of you than Matteo at the moment._

Staring at his screen, Hyungwon couldn't help the excitement that bubbled along with all the possibilities they had now. If Hoseok was fine with giving out some of the information it would be possible to arrange a meet up, hopefully one during which Roberto said way more than he should.

_You could make this work._

_

Hope was futile, but still Hyungwon's heart was beating furiously as he made his way up the stairs to his apartment. Why would Hoseok still be there? The older man probably had shitloads of things he randomly decided to do and hanging out at an empty apartment wasn't particularly fascinating, even if Hyungwon had told him to stay.

_Just get it over with, change and then look for him._

Sighing at his own wishful thinking, Hyungwon unlocked the door and threw his trench coat on the ground, along with his bag. His shoes were last, landing somewhere next to the heap preparing him for disappointment. The apartment smelled weird, as if somebody had decided to varnish something. As soon as he stepped inside, his eyes fell on a half-naked Hoseok in sweatpants kneeling in front of a piece of furniture that didn't belong to him and carefully painting the wood in a dark brown color.

Hyungwon stared at first, wondering whether particularly intense wishful thinking resulted in vivid hallucinations. However, if his mind had been involved in what he was seeing, then Hoseok sure as hell wouldn't be painting furniture.

_He stayed, Hyungwon._

Instead of commenting on what he was seeing, Hyungwon simply hurried over to the older man, dropped to the floor and wrapped his arms around his middle, nose disappearing in the crook of Hoseok's neck. It smelled like paint and wood, but he didn't mind because it was still Hoseok.

"Hi. You're back earlier than I thought. I was undecided about the varnish, so I didn't manage to finish on time." Hoseok spoke in his gorgeous low voice, calm and so fitting to his careful motions.

_He decided to make furniture again, like back then._

"It looks amazing already," he whispered and pressed his lips against the warm neck. Somehow the situation didn't seem right to talk about the man that ruined Hoseok's life, so Hyungwon didn't bother and enjoyed the closeness instead. "What is it made of?"

"I looked up the winery that makes the wine you have. The place I got my wine boxes from is still there, so I drove over and got the boxes from the red wine you like. Looks kind of epic right? You can put your books in here, it's extra stable!" Hoseok looked gorgeous, smiling but at the same time focused and making precise brush strokes.

_He even got boxes from your favorite wine, shit._

Hyungwon wanted to push the older man down on the carpet and ravish his mouth, but that was probably a bad idea considering he was holding a brush. Squeezing tightly instead, he took a few deep breaths of Hoseok's scent and finally grabbed Hoseok's wrist to stabilize it before simply climbing on top of the firm thighs and kissing his favorite curved lips.

"I fucking love you," he muttered and covered the round face with kisses, not caring that Hoseok was kind of busy. "I'm going to worship you right now, so maybe you should put that brush somewhere."

Maybe Hyungwon was too impressionable, not used to anybody bothering to this degree to make him happy.

"Can't you just move in with me? It's tiny, but I don't need space, only you." He sucked Hoseok's bottom lip into his mouth and nibbled on it with his eyes closed, enjoying how close he could be.

"W-what?" The black eyes widened and the older man put his brush on the shelf and wrapped his arms around him. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about wanting to see your face every time I come home," Hyungwon whispered against Hoseok's lips and licked over them before pressing kisses to both eyes. That was also the point at which he realized that he was probably freaking Hoseok out and being terribly annoying. "I mean- I'm super happy that you are still there and that you made this gorgeous shelf. Did you enjoy breakfast? It wasn't anything special, but I thought it was kinda nice."

_You wanted to worship him._

Hyungwon didn't wait for an answer and used the few seconds to lick a line from Hoseok's earlobe to his collarbones, enjoying the fact that he was only wearing sweatpants.

“You want to see my face every time you come home?” Hoseok whispered and a glance at the man’s handsome face revealed a few sweat drops on his forehead and the fact that he looked genuinely scared. “Why would you want that? That- I don’t think that’s a good idea. Do you think that you have to ask me now that I made a shelf for you? I made it because you asked me to a while ago and I thought today would be perfect because I’m kind of useless if I’m not trying to make companies go bankrupt or fucking people I actually don’t want to touch as part of my plan.” The low voice spoke faster, as if Hoseok got nervous and there was even a few stutters when he licked over the other man’s perfectly shaped collarbones.

_He can't imagine anybody wanting to be with him, can he?_

"I asked you because I was trying not to hope too much, telling myself that you probably left, only to see you sitting here being the best fucking human on earth." Hyungwon pushed against the older man's chest to make him lie down on the carpet and sucked a nipple into his mouth, enjoying the sound that instantly entered his ears. "I am happy, so I suggested it. It doesn't matter whether you're being useful or not, can't you tell that your presence is enough? Well- and your skin apparently because it's delicious and I can't resist."

“But I don’t need to live here, if you want to have sex with me just call,” Hoseok commented, sucking air through his parted lips and caressing his scalp with his delicate fingers. “I will come. Even if it’s night.”

_What are you doing? This is exactly what always got you hurt._

"God, it's not about having sex with you, Hoseok." Hyungwon stopped playing with the older man's nipples and looked up, suddenly realizing that he was sending the wrong message. "I love having sex with you, but you're forgetting that I'm also in love with you. You-" he poked Hoseok's muscular chest, "as a person. I'm happy to see your face and this morning when you were lying next to me looking so peaceful I just wanted that to happen every day. I know this is very sudden for you, especially after trying not to get close to anybody, but I mean it, Hoseok."

“I’m still living in a blurry kind of state where I haven't grasped the fact that I am not going back to prison. I don’t know if they will suddenly find something, anything that will be enough to call me in for questioning. If that happens it will be enough to knock me out because my broken state will be immediately visible and I’m not even sure if I’d get a word out.” Hoseok’s cute facial expression changed into a serious one, tinged with obvious pain caused by the thoughts that the other man rarely shared with him. “How can I move anywhere? Especially into your space where you… feel safe and live your life. I will come to you whenever you need me, I promise,” the low voice whispered. “Unless I’m in prison or dead.”

_Shit._

"You're not going to prison, Hoseok," he hissed, realizing how desperate the last sentence suddenly made him. "I erased everything that could have gotten you into trouble, Hoseok. If you're worried about seeing him or having to be questioned about him, then we're ditching it. I'm not going to do anything that endangers you in any way, unless you actually want to. You're supposed to be with me."

“Nothing is for sure. I don’t want to go back and I know for sure that I won’t be able to take it. After meeting you and having you close and seeing you care about me, I know that I won’t survive. I won’t be able to go back and I won’t ever allow you to set foot in there. It’s a weakness, you know? Something that I tried so hard not to have. I realized that when he stood there, looking at me as if I was nothing and he had my life in his hands because he had my laptop. He was right, you know? He did have my life in his hands, just that you saved it. I have done many things since I got out and I went to prison for something I didn’t do. He wouldn’t have a problem repeating the same thing all over again if he wanted to. I’m not safe Hyungwon. And you are not safe next to me.”

"I don't care," he whispered, voice trembling a little as he sat on top of Hoseok in the middle of his small apartment after pushing the older man to the floor. "I don't care if I'm not safe next to you. I'm not leaving you, because without me you're going to do something self-destructive. You're going to carry through with something that doesn't even make you happy whereas being here with me and creating that shelf does. I don't know what you did after coming out of prison, but I hid everything that I was able to hide."

_You have to tell him, even if it hurts._

"The mistake that you are making is… that as you said, he doesn't care, Hoseok. He won't make any effort to put you back in jail as long as you aren't a danger to his business. He only cares as long as it's somehow related to him, but as soon as you disappear from the picture, he won't give a single shit. He was trying to manipulate me today and it was so easy to see through because he wanted something. When you don't have anything, you don't mean anything to him." Hyungwon brushed through his hair and chewed on his cheek. He hated having to tell Hoseok all this. "But to me you are everything, do you understand? I won't let you endanger yourself unless I have some security that you'll stay with me."

It was hard to look at Hoseok’s face because unlike Roberto’s, it showed everything, the agony and fear, the deep wounds and insecurities that came to light due to Hyungwon’s words. Chewing on his curved lips, Hoseok exhaled through his nose and averted his gaze. “Remember when I told you about that cup? The cup that I am? I had a dream that I was really a cup, a pretty black one with golden filigree along the rim. I was one because you put me together piece by piece and held me in your big hands, but then… then I just cracked and all the tiny shards fell through the spaces between your fingers. That’s how I feel right now, I feel as if you are doing all those things in the hope that I won’t crack but in the end I will. I don’t want to go back, Hyungwon, I don’t. I want to be with you, I want to wake up next to you and I want to do everything I can to be able to see your smile or watch you scratch your nose when you wear your glasses for a long time, but I feel like I will crack and I won’t be able to last.” Hoseok’s lips were trembling and it seemed as if the other man was trying to hide the wetness in his eyes by looking somewhere else.

_How are you supposed to convince him that it's not true?_

Hyungwon didn't reply at first and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's shoulders, holding him closer in an attempt to comfort, even if he knew that he couldn't make the thoughts better. He didn't have the power to do that.

_You won't be able to protect him from the things that hurt him forever, that's what he means._

"Your dream isn't right," he whispered and pressed a kiss to the top of Hoseok's head. "Because I would have picked them up again, no matter how difficult it was."

_You can't change that he feels this way, not on your own, but there has to be a way to change his thought patterns?_

"I- I know that I can't make you stop thinking that way, not completely and the way you look at me tells me that those thoughts return to your mind a lot. Just because I cannot change the way you feel, it doesn't mean that nobody else can. There's-" Hyungwon swallowed and wondered about a good way to explain what he meant, to make Hoseok understand that it was an opinion. "There are a lot of people that suffered something terrible that changed the way they see themselves and their situation. Those people aren't helpless because there is a way to help them, so maybe that way could also work for you?"

The gaze returned to him and Hoseok bit down on his bottom lip, fingers digging into his sides as the muscular arms reached for his waist. “Can’t you just…” Hoseok whispered, swallowing right after. “Can’t you just kiss me, please?”

Hyungwon shouldn't have agreed so easily, not when it was something that was routed so deeply that a mere kiss wasn't going to change it. Still, he leaned in and covered Hoseok's curved lips with his own, deepening the touch after a few moments. His eyes fluttered shut and he focused on how nice it felt, how glad he was that Hoseok stayed and was still next to him.

_Maybe he will still feel the need to hurt Roberto, maybe he will like your plan. But all of that will have to wait._

“When you kiss me like that, that’s when I feel most alive,” Hoseok breathed out and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him flush against his naked chest and catching his lips in a deep and desperate kiss, as if the touch was really what made Hoseok feel alive.

"Then stay with me," he gasped and pulled his thighs together to capture Hoseok's body in between as they shared the same air and his hands travelled to Hoseok's black hair, raking through it. "So I can kiss you like this all time."

“I will stay today if you want me to,” Hoseok replied and turned them, hovering over him and littering his face and neck with kisses before the other man pulled up the shirt he was wearing with skillful fingers. “Can I touch you? I want to see your blissed out face. I miss it.”

_You miss it too, along with his smile._

"Of course- I want you to stay," Hyungwon gasped, not expecting the sudden switch in atmosphere as his body burned up and a tremble passed through his legs, clear as day. "Please touch me."

Hoseok was quick, immediately attaching his mouth to his stomach, his chest, licking over his nipples and sucking on them until he decided that it was enough and travelled further down without taking off his shirt completely and leaving it pulled up at his neck. The muscular arms took care of his jeans, pulling them down his hips along with his underwear. Hoseok didn’t bother to undress him and only uncovered his stomach, chest and groin, wrapping his fingers around his dick before looking up and digging the tip of his tongue into his slit.

Hyungwon whimpered because it felt good and because the sight instantly got to his head. He had no images of Hoseok pleasing anybody else in his memory and it drove him crazy to know that he must be the only one the older man wanted to please like that.

_He's impatient because he wants distraction, but you want it just as much._

"I'm sensitive," he gasped as his mind reminded him of the first time Hoseok took him into his mouth, right on his office table while he forced himself to not make a single sound even though he was going mad. Now he didn't even bother, trying to spread his legs despite the jeans and moaning softly instead.

Hoseok must’ve liked it so much, instantly taking him into his hot mouth and sucking on his tip, one hand propped up next to his hips as the other played with his balls. The most attractive thing about the situation was how the corners of Hoseok’s mouth looked when he took him and the black eyes filled with desire and stared at him from under the messy bangs.

_He reacts like that because it's you, even though there is nothing special about your appearance right now._

Again Hyungwon tried to spread his legs and failed because of his jeans, whimpering instead and allowing his eyes to shut for a second or two. He didn't dare make it longer to not miss Hoseok's gaze. He wanted to burn it into his mind, to remind himself that Hoseok looked at him that way because it was _him_ , because he wanted to touch _him_ and not because of a plain need for release.

_It's the way he looks at you._

"I want your hands all over me," he moaned and remembered how Hoseok's hands felt on his stomach and on his thighs, how red lines covered his sides and blurred his vision. "The way you look at me makes me feel precious."

Hoseok hummed instead of saying anything and took him deeper, letting his tip hit the back of his throat and using both hands to roam all over his body. This time, he felt the difference in the touch as the delicate fingers sunk into his skin, rougher than usual, making him feel as if Hoseok didn't want to let go, as if the other man wanted to have him, all of him.

_He can have it all._

Hyungwon struggled for air, moaning and whimpering in succession because of the combined sensations. Hoseok knew how to touch him and make him feel wanted, how to tug at his senses until orgasm was only a few breaths away. There was no need for a verbal warning as his body did that all on its own, tensing up and trembling throughout his release as Hoseok swallowed around his length.

He tried to catch his breath, chest rising and falling visibly while his shirt remained at his neck. He had been in a similar state, back then in the office. The exception was that Hyungwon had used his shirt to restrict his hands and show the older man more of his body. Now it wasn't necessary because Hoseok discovered it all on its own, covering his skin with kisses and light bites that made him moan.

"Fuck my mouth," he forced out, voice rough as he tugged at Hoseok's hair.

"I want to kiss your mouth," Hoseok whispered in reply and joined him on the floor, hot lips placing a kiss on his cheek and then against his lips, fast exhales tickling his skin.

Hyungwon kissed back, a little overwhelmed by how emotional the older man seemed despite the arousal that must have been affecting him. He wrapped his arms around the broad neck and kissed back, focusing on the way it felt and how easily Hoseok's lips gave in when he applied pressure.

"I love you," he whispered because he did and couldn't get enough of saying it. It felt good to say it, not like a burden he was hanging on the man in front of him.

Not the way it had felt before, if those feelings even qualified as love.

Hoseok hummed into the kiss, muscular body giving in and melting into his right there on his apartment floor that he didn't know when he cleaned last. "I love you too. I guess that's the reason why it feels like all of it is just a dream and I'll wake up and see the moldy spot on the ceiling again," Hoseok breathed against his lips and before he could say anything, explain or prove that the older man was wrong, the curved lips attached to his, letting him melt into another wordless love confession.

_He doesn't want you to prove him wrong, he wants to stop thinking about it._

Hyungwon listened and held the older man, stroking over his naked back and black hair. Hoseok wanted comfort and care and it was so easy to provide it, so easy to kiss and be kissed, so easy to forget that it actually wasn't all that easy.

"I want to make you happy," he whispered and hoped that Hoseok could tell that he meant it, that out of all the goals he had several months ago, Hoseok's happiness had become the one he cared about the most.

***

He felt a bit weird standing in the kitchen cutting vegetables for Hyungwon’s omelette, thinking about the fact that he should’ve been in his cell-like room instead of enjoying the other man’s company. He had stayed over and didn’t go back to his apartment because Hyungwon had wanted him to and was currently waiting for the other man to come back from his lectures. He had done all kinds of things, sorted Hyungwon’s books into the pretty shelf that he made out of wine boxes, cleaned up the apartment, vacuumed the floor and stood in the kitchen cooking, even though it was the last thing he felt confident in.

_You miss programming so much._

Hoseok would’ve loved to code something, to work on the few ideas that he had since Hyungwon had showed him the security testing. Sighing loudly because there was nobody to listen, Hoseok threw the knife in the air and caught it before making quick work of the onion that he found on one of the shelves. Just when he threw everything into the pan and fried it with the eggs, the door opened and he saw the messy hair and the handsome face.

“Hey. I stayed because you asked me to,” he murmured and pointed at the pan. “Do you like omelets? That’s the only thing I can cook.”

"I sure do," Hyungwon replied as he slipped out of his coat and his shoes, looking excited. The black-haired boy must have decided against going to work as he was dressed in tight jeans and a nice shirt. A grin was the first expression he saw as Hyungwon grabbed his bag and wriggled it in front of his face. "Do you like programming? Cause I have a little something for you."

Still grinning, Hyungwon pulled out a laptop from his bag as if it was a bunny from a magician's hat. A second glance revealed the familiar laptop, grey with a sticker on top. It was obviously his.

_How did he find it?_

Hoseok swallowed, not allowing himself to show any signs of happiness and lifted the pan, shaking and flipping it once to throw the omelet in the air and catch it in the pan right after.

"Where did you get it from ?"

"I reported it as missing under my friend's name and got an email that it was 'found'." Still smiling, Hyungwon made his way over to him and kissed him on the lips before leaning against a wall. "They didn't find anything on it, so they just pretended that it was handed in by somebody nice. Minhyuk picked it up for me and voila. If I put the mirror image that I made on it, it'll be as if you never lost it. That is if you _want_ it to return to all those risky things you were doing. You could also develop those nice software ideas of yours."

"Honestly? I thought about it and I still think the fact that you're so much smarter than me is the most attractive thing about you." He turned off the stove and placed the pan on a wooden cutting board before taking a plate and carefully arranging the omelet on it. "But don't do any risky stuff. I hope you're hungry."

"I am," Hyungwon replied and simply grabbed a fork to chop off a piece of the omelet with the edge before stuffing it into his mouth. "Are you ready to listen to my grand plan to corner _Romeo_ and let the police deal with the rest?"

"Did you even listen?" he asked, but leaned against the counter, careful to not burn his ass and tilted his head, secretly glancing to the bag in the hallway with his laptop inside.

"I did, but this isn't risky because it's well planned. That guy came to me the other day, asking about my 'co-worker', so he obviously figured out that it's you. I played all innocent and fascinated by his awesomeness and offered to find out stuff about you. The thing is, he will think you are unprepared, but we can make sure that you are prepared." Hyungwon spoke calmly, like he had thought about this a million times and only went through the steps he considered necessary. "I have a small audio device that's pretty sensitive. We use it for alarms, but I adjusted it to record instead and depending on what you can make him say about his business, we'll either have some decent evidence or his demise. The question is if you _want_ to do it and if you _can_."

He listened, occasionally playing with his fingers and glanced at Hyungwon who looked gorgeous. "Tell me your opinion," he whispered, unable to make a decent decision that wasn't influenced by his wish to hurt Roberto or by his anxiety about having to go back to prison. "What do you think?"

"I think it should be easy to make him talk as long as he feels superior. You have to be overwhelmed, work with the fact that he doesn't know that you changed in those two years. If you can do that, it should be easy to get the evidence. Maybe even the evidence that you went to prison instead of him." Hyungwon chewed on his cheek for a few seconds before placing more omelet into his mouth. "We'll need to decide how much info I should give him, how much 'superiority' is enough to make him reckless."

"I know him," he whispered. "I know him but I don't want to know him. Does that make sense?" He reached out and removed a small piece of food from the corner of Hyungwon's mouth. "The last time I saw him I was shaking and couldn't believe he would actually act the way I thought he would."

"It makes perfect sense because he's a manipulative asshole. As soon as he realized that I was 'interested', he changed his behavior to get the most out of me." The younger man sighed and stepped closer to hug him tightly, head resting on his shoulder. "I don't want you to suffer and if this meeting is only going to make you miserable, then we can still ditch it and live our lives far away from that piece of shit."

"I don't know if I'm able to just let him continue like that. If he touches a hair on your head I'm going to choke him with my bare hands and at least have something that is worth going to prison for." He smiled but had to suppress the way his hands shook from the thought that Roberto had come anywhere close to Hyungwon.

"I'm not defenseless," the black-haired boy replied and smiled before kissing his lips. "Unless it's you."

Finishing up half of the omelet, Hyungwon gestured for him to eat too and made his way towards his bag. After taking out Hoseok's laptop and a small business card, the boy looked thoughtful .

"You know him better than I do. What do you think I should tell him about you?"

Hoseok briefly thought about ripping that fucking card out of Hyungwon’s fingers and tearing it into tiny pieces, but let his eyes flutter shut instead and inhaled deeply.

_He will think that you went completely nuts._

“The laptop is back, so he must know that there was nothing on it and that he has no evidence, so he probably wants to find me because I wasn’t home the past few days. I was with you.” Suddenly his eyes widened and he understood that Roberto probably thought he was hiding. “He is nervous, but I think he thinks that I’m nervous too, that’s why I’m not home. I think you can tell him that I always hang around the library. You can stay close without being noticed and it’s a safe place. He won’t think that it’s a setup.”

"Genius," Hyungwon whispered with a grin before kissing him deeply and taking out his phone as soon as he leaned back again. "Anything else I should tell him about you? I can say your address even though he already knows it, to show that I did my best."

_He’s really smart._

“Your intelligence scares me a little bit because something inside my brain tells me to be careful about trusting you.” Hoseok chewed on his lips and nodded.

"You better be careful about trusting your own brain, that's the scarier bit," Hyungwon replied and kissed him one more time before typing the number from the card into his phone. Hoseok couldn't believe how easy it seemed for the younger man, even though he obviously hadn't had the same experiences.

Placing his index finger in front of his plump lips to signal for him to be quiet, Hyungwon listened to the other end of the line until his eyes widened in brief surprise and the effort of acting was instantly visible on his face.

"H- hi, Roberto. Can I call you Roberto? It's Hyungwon speaking. You wanted me to call as soon as I found something out… right?" Hoseok knew that Hyungwon wasn't nervous, but the way the boy spoke made it easy to believe along with the shifts of the phone from one ear to the other.

As soon as Roberto’s voice sounded on the other end, his muscles tensed and he swallowed, shifting closer without making a sound. His position enabled him to listen to the familiar voice that forced goosebumps on his skin.

“Oh, hi Hyungwon. You are pretty fast I must say but I was looking forward to your call. Of course, you can call me Roberto.”

"I… was trying to call really quickly," Hyungwon murmured into the phone and smiled. "I was able to find out his address and from some of his emails, I think I can tell you where he spends the most time. Does that… help you?"

“Oh, of course it does! You are indeed skilled, I never judge people wrongly. Please tell me,” the low voice commented followed by silence. The fact alone that Hyungwon smiled made him want to throw the stupid smartphone against the wall.

"Alright! Grab something to write with, his address is kind of weird," Hyungwon exclaimed excitedly and shuffled some more before waiting and dictating Hoseok's address without having to look it up. The boy must have memorized it. "Did you- get it all?"

“Got it. And what’s the place where he hangs around? I kind of need to talk to him, so it would be really nice if I could catch him somewhere to have a word or two. Preferably without having to wait for him somewhere for ages. Is your info that detailed, or more like a probability?” Roberto cleared his throat. “But you did amazing finding out his address. I owe you something tasty.”

"T-thank you," Hyungwon stuttered and rubbed the phone over his shirt briefly before switching ears. "I hope my info is detailed enough for you. Apparently he spends a lot of time at the main library. He was there every day this week between midday and two pm. I'm pretty sure that he'll be there during the next few days too, if you have time around then of course! You must be really busy."

“Oh, I will make some time. And then I will make some time for you.” The other man’s disgusting laugh followed and Hoseok wanted to punch a wall because that piece of shit dared to treat Hyungwon like some fling.

"That- would be all kinds of amazing," Hyungwon replied, still sounding nervous and quickly apologized for taking so much of that asshole's time. He seemed to know exactly what he was doing as he murmured a happy but nervous goodbye and finally ended the call.

"God, he's so obvious, Hoseok."

“I want to kill him. Fuck that promise about not touching him ever again, I’ll just fucking kill him,” he hissed and closed his eyes, clenching his fists.

"He's not worth it," Hyungwon whispered into his ear as warm arms wrapped around him and pulled him against the slim body. "He'll feel superior because he knows where to find you and babble too much, especially when you meet at some place without anybody else around. He sounded like he hit the jackpot."

“I hate that he can open his mouth and say anything to you, act as if you’re stupid, or some guy who’s easy. He is still the same and it’s driving me crazy.”

"But that's what will get him in the end, Hoseok. You changed as a person, but he didn't. He still thinks he's superior and a little bit of naive acting makes him think that I'm quivering at the prospect of him buying me something tasty." Hyungwon sighed, but kept holding him close. "The important thing is that even though he acts like that he's not going to get anything from me, nothing but a fucking trap."

It wasn’t his place to be possessive or anything like that, but he felt like wrapping around Hyungwon, taking away the card and the stupid phone and not let him talk to that trash human ever again.

“You’re too good for this. For doing this and for trying so hard. I hate it.”

"I'm doing it for you because I love you." Lips touched his and he was met with Hyungwon's pretty face, smiling at him brightly. "And because I hate pieces of shit like him that just use others for sex and drop them when they stop being useful. Guess I'm a little sensitive there."

“I don’t want you to do all those things for me and I don’t want anybody to treat you like this again. I want you for myself,” he whispered and took the smartphone, throwing it somewhere on the bed before pulling Hyungwon against his chest and using way more strength than necessary. “But at the same time I know that it’s bullshit because I’m a mess.”

The younger man gasped in surprise, but kept holding onto him. Long fingers dug into his shoulders, but it wasn't enough to be painful, only a reaction to the way he had pulled Hyungwon against himself.

"Keep me," Hyungwon whispered before kissing him, connecting their lips for several long seconds. "I love you independent of the way you see yourself."

Hoseok wrapped his arms tighter and asked himself whether he was being genuine with himself. Whether he had a right to judge all the people that had hurt Hyungwon before when he had no idea about himself and stayed close to the beautiful man despite knowing about all the ways that he was broken and could hurt with the sharp edges of his shards.

It was remarkable that even after all the things that had happened to him, he, deep inside, still couldn’t give up on finding the place that he belonged.

_

He had been nervous, at least before Hyungwon pulled him into his bed and they had sex two times in a row, being all over each other and unable to say anything coherent apart from begging and half moaned words. To be honest, the bed at his apartment was extremely uncomfortable after the few nights that he spent at Hyungwon’s apartment. The human body got used to comfort so easily and he knew that he didn’t want to go back, but one could never know. Roberto was capable of sending him to prison for the subjective feeling of being threatened, so there was no reason for him to hold back if he thought Hoseok was a threat to him again.

_But what will happen to Hyungwon if you have to go back?_

The thought caused cold sweat to develop on his temples and he used some excuse to disappear into the bathroom and sit out the mounting anxiety, holding his breath to not hyperventilate and trying not to imagine countless scenarios that all ended with him wanting to die instead of forcing that kind of pain on the black-haired man next to him.

_You need to try your best to pull information out of him and somehow make him pay for what he did and keep him from hurting you anymore. And him._

He left the bathroom after washing his face and smiled, pulling the black hoodie over his head and watching Hyungwon still lazily stroking over his smooth thigh, one leg bent and revealing his elegant chest and waist that beautifully transitioned into the narrow hips and long legs. “The way you lay here seems like some dream,” he murmured, slipping into the ripped jeans and trying to put on socks, jumping on one leg.

Hyungwon smiled and turned on his side, blanket partially covering his legs, but not enough to hide his naked body.

"And the way you are getting dressed is adorable and makes me want to keep you here forever."

_Why does he think that you’re adorable?_

He furrowed his eyebrows in dissatisfaction as he stepped towards the bed and crawled on top, smoothly placing his hands on each side of Hyungwon’s hips. Leaning forward he used his momentum to kiss along the whole length of Hyungwon’s thigh, leaving a wet trail with his tongue. “I sometimes wish the thoughts I have now were the only ones I’m able to think. It would be so much easier because it would only be about you and how much I need to make you happy and satisfied.”

"That's the beautiful thing about this," Hyungwon whispered, chewing on his bottom lip as goosebumps spread over his long legs in response to Hoseok's kisses. "Because I have the same thought when I'm with you. I want to make you happy and share your passion with you, kiss you and hold you until there's nothing that scares you anymore."

_It’s impossible._

He looked up and met Hyungwon’s gaze, holding it for a few seconds because it made him feel that life was suddenly worth living no matter what happened to him before. The person next to him was able to bring out the best of him, be it in the professional domain or if it was about his emotions. Hyungwon could easily pull it all to the surface.

_Because you are sure that he deserves all of you._

Hoseok swallowed and nodded despite the thoughts telling him there was no way to fix him, but if Hyungwon said that there was hope for him, maybe there was. He kissed along the side and shoulder before reaching the plump mouth and placing a kiss on top. “I love you,” he whispered and crawled from the bed.

"I love you too, Hoseok," Hyungwon replied softly and sat up, blanket loosely wrapped around his shoulders. "Don't be too worried. I'll be there if something happens. I won't let him hurt you."

_You need to nail this. You can’t involve him too much._

“I had to suffer through worse. I will be fine.” Smiling, he slipped into his shoes and picked up his laptop. It felt a little strange without his leather jacket, but it was too warm for it already.

Leaving the apartment he got the feeling that he wouldn’t see Hyungwon again, simply because he was happy and feeling happy meant something bad was going to happen. It felt too good to be true and that meant that it wasn’t.

_

Not being able to program or do something useful was torture as he counted the minutes while sitting on the floor in the esoteric section waiting for the person he hated most to come and find him. His hood was pulled over his head but he could still hear the sound of footsteps coming in his direction, Roberto was certainly not as stealthy as Hyungwon. He could feel himself staring to hyperventilate but focused on slowing his breathing because he didn’t want to appear nervous. He didn’t want to be scared anymore.

_Hyungwon doesn’t want you to be scared. He said he wanted you to only be happy and not scared._

Hoseok continued acting as if he was doing something important on the laptop that had not a single program on it and played solitaire like an idiot. The steps got louder and he purposefully didn’t look up to have time to prepare his reaction. He had practiced it in front of the mirror and was pretty confident to look hurt and surprised.

_So he will feel less threatened._

“So you are indeed here,” the familiar voice said and he looked up, eyes widening purposefully as he bit on his bottom lip. “You didn’t think I would find you, right?”

He enjoyed the silence first, before licking over his dry lips and clearing his throat on purpose. “Why would you come here? What do you want from me?” he asked, holding onto the laptop and wondering whether Roberto considered the change in his behavior strange. But then again, he acted the way the other man probably expected him to act, last time was more of an exception because it didn’t fit his previous personality. Hoseok had never been aggressive before. Ever.

_There’s always a reason._

The expression on the other man's face looked as if he was more familiar with Hoseok behaving that way so he stepped closer and leaned against one of the shelves.

"I thought we should have a talk."

Hoseok nodded, reaching for the USB stick that was in the laptop to pull it out and place it into the pocket of his jeans where he turned on the recorder. Everything he said was important now. There was only one chance for him. "Why would you want to talk to me? I thought you gave up on me after you sent me to jail instead of going yourself."

He hated to admit it, but the hurt on his face wasn't acting, it was real and he detested the fact that Roberto could see it.

"You don't need to say it like that. Let's say it was more of an emergency. I just bought a company and you started talking about cyber security. Why would you do that, Hoseok? Did you want to fuck me over? I was taking care of you with your lack of social skills and that's how you wanted to pay me back?"

_He was taking care of you?_

The anger mixed with the deep pain and he inhaled deeply, remembering that he couldn't fuck up because he wasn't the only one involved.

_Maybe you really do lack social skills._

"I didn't want to fuck you over, Roberto. It was just a business idea. I am a developer, that's what I do. Why did you even think that I wanted to hurt you in any way?" Hoseok kept his laptop on his lap because it felt like a safeguard from all the pain that he didn't want to spill over.

"Because you were probably envious, isn't it always like that? I have money, an awesome family, friends, I'm successful, so of course you want to have a bit. It was easier when you were your sad nerdy orphan self being all overwhelmed by seeing normal human communication, but then your company blew up and it went to your head. Just stay where you are, Hoseok. Don't try to meddle with my business or I'll put you back in jail, I did it once and I can always do it again. It's not hard to fake your signature on some documents and now you're a convict, so who do you think they will believe?" Roberto grinned and walked over to him, crouching right in front of him. Hoseok placed one hand on the carpet to hide that he was shaking from the need to close his hands around the slim neck.

_You can't do it, Hoseok. Think about Hyungwon._

"You- think that I wanted your success and that's why you forged those documents, made me the owner of that bogus company without my consent and put me into prison for one and a half years? Do you even listen to yourself?"

"Oh, but it's not as if it was traumatic or anything. I mean, you're out now and you're hanging around the library looking like a nerdy student instead of being a CEO and thinking about destroying other people's money flow. To be honest, I kind of like you more now. The time in prison made you more attractive."

Hoseok felt like vomiting right on the perfectly clean shoes, but he was so close, he only needed Roberto to say it once as his laptop camera filmed the whole thing.

"You don't… You don't regret it?" he whispered, fingers shaking and voice cracking in the middle of the sentence. Roberto just chuckled and tilted his head to look at him.

"Regret? What? That I put you in jail for something you didn't do? No. I regret that I didn't come up with anything better so you would still be in because then I wouldn't have to waste my time with this shit when I could be making money and having great sex. But I do think that you look cute sitting on the floor looking miserable." The disgust crawled up his stomach and he swallowed. Suddenly the other man grabbed his chin and pressed his lips against his before standing up and looking down on him. "Don't try anything babe, or you'll go back there."

There wasn't a single thought inside his head and his vision turned blurry. A familiar pain in his palm told him that his nails were digging into his skin again, but it felt like nothing and it meant nothing, just like everything around him, his pain, his disgust, the feeling that he was worth nothing and meant nothing to anybody and the world he was trying so hard to belong into.

_He said he was your family, remember?_

Throwing his head back, he hit it against the wall and stayed like that, repeating the motion as soon as the pain started disappearing and his whole body resembled a big chunk of agony existing in the big wide universe but being completely alone and irrelevant. The feeling was so familiar that he wondered if maybe that was what he had to consider family because it has been with him since his first thought.


	14. Final Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vendetta came to an end.
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CHAPTER 14

Hyungwon had felt sure that he was prepared for every scenario. He identified the perfect place to observe, stocked up on some snacks and something to do if he had to wait for a long time and went through worst case scenarios that involved him interfering.

_Hoseok's safety is the most important, even if he doesn't agree with that._

His hiding place was behind a bookshelf that was mostly in the dark, but had a nice peephole between two thick books that Hyungwon didn't bother reading the titles of. Hoseok looked perfect in his hoodie and sitting on the ground. Hyungwon didn't know if the older man did it on purpose, but Roberto should have felt superior from the position alone.

_It would be so crazy if this actually works._

Sure, Hyungwon was convinced that the idea was good and that they considered every possibility, but reality could be a real pain in the ass when it wanted to. His acting had obviously been convincing enough, the question was how much acting Hoseok needed to pull out the right words.

Roberto announced himself immediately, steps loud and clear like he didn't even bother being quiet. It fit Hyungwon's image of the asshole, somebody who always tries to have the upper hand, no matter how nasty the methods are.

_He's dangerous, you cannot forget that, Hyungwon. He ruined Hoseok's life because he felt threatened._

His eyes switched between the progress of the audio recording that was being transferred to his phone and seemed to be going well and the scene in front of him. Roberto was being reckless, not even bothering to lie or pretend that he hadn't done anything.

_He's convinced that Hoseok can't hurt him._

Hyungwon's hands were shaking from the adrenaline and excitement of having such obvious indications of criminal activity. With the recording and possibly video from Hoseok's camera, they had enough proof that it was Roberto who should have been convicted and that an investigation is necessary.

_The important thing is that he doesn't see it coming and can't fix things by blaming it on somebody else._

They needed to submit the recordings along with some of the other evidence, preferably once nothing had happened for a while and Roberto was convinced that he scared Hoseok off.

_If only that piece of shit would stay away from him._

Hyungwon couldn't bear the expression of hurt on Hoseok's face, the trembling lips and the way the older man curled his hands into fists. It wasn't acting and Hyungwon knew, he knew so well that he felt the urge to run over there and punch Roberto in the face to finally watch that stupid smile disappear.

_He's so fucking full of himself, talking about saving him when he only broke him like a fucking toy._

When the man Hyungwon wanted to choke with his own hands suddenly leaned in, his whole body froze in place, eyes widening. He was helpless as Roberto simply forced a kiss on Hoseok's lips while he had to sit there and watch, unable to interfere because they were so close.

_It's the same all over again, you being hidden away while the person you love gets kissed and touched by somebody else._

The difference was that Hoseok didn't want it. Hyungwon didn't need to ask to know, he could see the gaze in those black eyes change, something seemed to fade away like a candle flame that was suffocated with a tight fist.

_You have to go to him, you can't leave him alone._

His whole body was burning from the adrenaline as he listened to Roberto's steps, waiting for them to be far away, so far that it was finally safe to run to Hoseok.

Hyungwon didn't even bother to take his bag or phone and simply ran, falling on his knees in front of Hoseok and wrapping his arms around the broad body. The sound of the older man hitting his head against the wall still echoed in his mind, joining the sound of knuckles against a white wall. He struggled to breathe for a few seconds and didn't know what to say, how to counteract any of the words that had left Roberto's filthy mouth.

_He knew exactly where it hurts and pushed the right buttons._

Suddenly he remembered the expression on Hoseok's face when the older man had come to him at night, drunk and asking him to erase the feeling on his lips, to make it better. Was Hyungwon still able to? Did he possess the power to erase something that was so deeply rooted that a single encounter was enough to pull all of it back to the surface?

"I don't know if I still can," he whispered and loosened his embrace in order to cup Hoseok's face, tilting it down to allow their eyes to meet.

_Can he even see you?_

"I'm not sure if I still can," he repeated and leaned closer, "but- I want to erase that feeling from your lips."

_This time he doesn't need to ask you._

Bridging the few centimeters between their lips, Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut and kissed the man in front of him. His heart was hammering in his chest even though they had kissed so many times before and his lips trembled against Hoseok's curved ones.

_If only you could make it better, fill all of that emptiness he talks about with yourself._

Hoseok didn't move and stayed just the way he held him. There was not even an inhale, just the muscular body in his arms that suddenly lost all the tension as soon as their lips touched.

 _Is that the empty shell that he's so convinced of being_?

Hyungwon didn't allow himself to be scared and kept holding on, embracing the older man for as long as he needed him to. He kept their kiss soft, a press of warm lips until he closed his own around Hoseok's bottom one and nibbled on it. It was okay that Hoseok didn't respond yet, that he wasn't quite there with him.

_Because you need to erase the feeling first before he can melt into you._

Hoseok leaned back and stayed that way with his eyes closed until his lips parted. "Why don't you just let go of me?" he asked.

"Because you're worth holding onto," he replied quietly and pressed his forehead against Hoseok's. He kept the contact without giving into the urge of kissing the older man again. "I love you, Hoseok. I won't let him hurt you anymore. I'm sorry for making you go through this. He's not worth your pain and I can't bear letting him anywhere close to you."

_Is that how he felt when you talked to Roberto? Terrified of the ways in which he could hurt you?_

"I think he can see that I'm broken, that's why he doesn't care. He knows there's no use in anything because there's nothing left of me apart from shards. I hate this," Hoseok whispered and finally opened his eyes. The look made him feel so devastated because there was so much helplessness and pain.

"That's not true," he replied and stroked over Hoseok's soft cheek. "He doesn't care because he's a terrible person and by showing you, he's convinced that you'll feel broken and won't do anything. This is what we wanted him to believe, but it's not the truth."

"Why do I feel like this then? Why do I feel like I'm nothing?" The pale forehead touched his shoulder and the older man's shoulders shook as he cried silently, drops falling on his jeans.

"Because you have heard it so often that your mind started to believe it," he answered quietly and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's body, holding him close as sobs left the older man's lips.

Sitting there on the floor, surrounded by books and unable to help the man he was in love with, Hyungwon realized it once again.

For some things love simply wasn't enough.

_

Anger bubbled in his chest as the single email in his inbox merely told him to get some utterly useless things from the basement and then come to Matteo's office.

_He's just wasting your fucking time for no reason._

Hyungwon could have been adjusting the security software for the patent or played around with the code in all those hours that Matteo forced him to change box colors, sort cables and make every employee at least two cups of coffee.

_One might think you returned to your first week._

Had he not needed the money and a computer to work on, he'd have probably handed in his resignation and left as quickly as possible. The problem was that he definitely needed the money, especially with his studies coming to an end. In addition, disappearing after faking interest in front of Roberto was also unnecessarily suspicious.

_That fucking asshole._

Hyungwon's whole body tensed in anger whenever he thought about how Hoseok had felt after that talk. He had taken the older man back home, cooked for both of them and tried to pull him out of the apathetic state he was in, but it had been basically impossible. Only after a few hours of embracing and silence, a shower and some sex Hoseok had started to talk again.

_You can't be doing this to him ever again._

Still fuming because of the task, he hurried to the basement and grabbed two external hard drives that nobody actually needed. It was just something to occupy him and make him feel inferior and useless.

_Why is Matteo so angry at you? Is it still because of Hoseok?_

He glanced at the deformed power box and still couldn't believe that Hoseok had punched it about a month ago, breaking his finger and not bothering to fix it.

_He didn't want to let you in back then, but you still tried._

Sighing, he placed the hard drives on Fabio's table and ignored the grin that was thrown his way. If his boss wanted him in his office, then so be it. Hyungwon fixed his glasses and knocked on the door that he used to stand near to watch the man he loved touch his boss.

As soon as Matteo called him in, he pressed down the handle and prepared for another influx of criticism towards the work he didn't even get the time to do.

The other man was sitting at his desk and clicking pointlessly, eyes focused on the monitor in front of him. “Take a seat,” he said and gestured towards one of the chairs.

_He doesn't even bother to look at you._

Hyungwon nodded even though the other man couldn't see it and sat down on the provided chair. He couldn't really help his nervous gestures, so he fumbled with his fingers as he waited for Matteo to say something.

_This feels a little different than usual._

“I won’t make it long because there’s no point, but your performance is lacking and you seem to be more busy with impressing people than with actually doing something useful, so I think it’s best that we part ways at this point.” Matteo clicked on something again, before glancing in his direction with a gaze full of hostility.

_Part ways?_

Hyungwon didn't understand at first until his palms began to feel sweaty and he wiped them over his jeans-clad thighs.

_He's firing you, Hyungwon._

"W-what? What do you mean by impressing people? I have only done exactly what you told me to do," he muttered, confused why Matteo would fire him if he hadn't complained even once about getting shitty tasks and being treated like a student slave.

“Well, first Hoseok and now Roberto, it doesn’t seem as if you’re here to work, so you don’t have to come anymore starting tomorrow.” Matteo pulled a letter out of a drawer on the right and placed it on the desk in front of him “I wrote you a pretty nice recommendation considering that you didn’t do much, so you should be more than satisfied with that.”

"I-" Hyungwon began, but the way Matteo looked at him silenced him in a matter of milliseconds. It didn't matter what he said, the man in front of him had already made his decision. It was utterly irrelevant whether Hyungwon was the one who made the program run or whether he created most of the improvements and found the mistakes. "I understand."

Suddenly, he was thankful that he had removed all the changes that he made from the source code. All those ideas were better suited for another project, for the idea that Hoseok had several years ago. Maybe he could make a new patent and submit it or something. There might even be a chance that he wouldn't have to fake Hoseok's signature this time.

_He thinks you were trying to get closer to Roberto too. He must hate you so much._

"I'm sorry if you had that impression of me. I hope you will continue to be successful, Matteo," he muttered and took the letter before standing up. He would have loved to leave with a bang and watch them suffer from not being able to deal with the program, but he couldn't do that. Not when he was dependent on recommendations to get another job and not when he had just lost his main source of income.

_Fuck, what are you going to do?_

He didn't say anything else and made his way out of the office door. There was no point in working anymore, so he didn't. Fabio was grinning as if it had been his personal achievement, joking about him needing to seduce the right people if he wanted to be successful.

_Piece of shit._

Hyungwon didn't bother replying to him either. He wasn't going to give his past colleague the satisfaction of having his attention.

_Good that you are prepared._

Sighing out loud, he copied all the relevant data from his computer before making a mirror image and overwriting what was on it. It was safer that way in case anybody ever wanted to take a closer look at what was going on while he worked there. Next, he glanced around and grabbed the few books that he brought along when he started.

It hurt, but Hyungwon did his best to swallow it down. If he was lucky, Hoseok was still going to be at his place and they could spend some more time together, more than if he had stayed the whole work day.

_It'll be fine, you'll figure this out._

All the way home, he prepared himself to not show his misery, to seem just as cheerful as when he left in the morning. The only thing that could remove his smile at this point was Hoseok not being there.

_You'll probably break down and cry, which you definitely shouldn't do._

His steps were slow as he made his way up the stairs even though he wanted to be quick and excited. Somehow he felt like a failure even though Matteo hadn't fired him because of his skills. Hyungwon knew that it wasn't his skills, but it still felt like his abilities weren't important enough to compensate for everything else.

He unlocked the door and put a smile on his face, ready to see Hoseok and whatever the older man decided to occupy himself with.

When he entered the apartment, his gaze immediately settled on Hoseok who sat on his bed in jeans only and was writing something on his laptop, looking focused and not paying any attention to the outside world. Hyungwon instantly felt a smile pull at his lips because Hoseok was able to do what he enjoyed, program in peace and keep developing his ideas.

He took off his shoes and coat and also decided to remove the loose clothes he was wearing. Only dressed in underwear, he climbed on the bed and embraced Hoseok from behind. It was easier to seem okay that way and at the same time try to convince himself that everything was going to be fine.

"I'm back," he whispered and pressed a kiss to Hoseok's nape.

“You’re early. Something happened?” the low voice asked as Hoseok continued typing with one hand and lifted his other hand to stroke over his fingers lightly.

_Are you that obvious?_

"What makes you think that?" he asked back and kept his lips pressed to Hoseok's warm neck. It felt nicer that way, like there was only the two of them and it didn't matter whether Hyungwon earned enough money to get by.

“Because your hands are shaking and you usually come into the apartment and start telling me about the people at Matteo’s company being idiots. I don’t think they suddenly started being competent, so something must have happened. You can tell me. I promise I won’t choke anybody. For now.” Hoseok was speaking calmly and gave him the feeling that it was okay to share.

"Matteo decided that I'm a ho and fired me," he whispered, hoping that using language like that made it sound less hurtful. He didn't want to be hurt by something like that because it shouldn't have mattered. Hyungwon knew it wasn't because of his abilities and he didn’t lack social skills. Matteo's decision was absolutely personal, but somehow knowing that didn't make him feel any better.

_Because his subjective impression of you was still more important than everything you've done in these past months to prove yourself._

Hoseok was right. His hands were shaking and he tried to stop them by tightening his grip around the older man's middle.

“He… what? But he literally has nobody who understands even ten percent of what you did with the program. That idiot. I called the patent office and they said it went through, that means he will have to close down.” Hoseok stopped typing and lifted one hand, holding onto his nose bridge. “But… you are sad about it, right?”

_The patent office? How did he find out?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he let go of Hoseok's waist in order to replace the laptop on the older man's lap with himself. He needed to see Hoseok's face and be able to tell if this was real.

"What do you mean by the patent went through? Which one?" he asked, unable to hide his excitement. It wasn't a source of income yet, but if he tried hard enough he could achieve the same with his own ideas and maybe be stable again. "The program is working fine for him, only without improvements and decent security. He'll be able to continue as is, but it's not as exciting as I tried to make it when I started. We still have all my improvements, I removed them from their code. But- I guess my abilities weren't enough for them to ignore everything else."

Hoseok furrowed his eyebrows and observed him for a few seconds. “You submitted more patents? Because I let the whole structure be patented under your name, the stuff that you prepared already. You must know that I took it. I submitted it a while ago, it went through and if you still worked there they could’ve continued, but now they won’t be able to use or sell it. Idiots.”

_He submitted it?_

"I- I didn't know what you did with the patent. I thought you just made it disappear because you didn't want me to get involved with your revenge plan." Hyungwon chewed on his lips and wondered if this was the moment for speaking the truth instead of trying to outsmart each other. "To be honest… I submitted two more under your name. The first one is the messaging software you developed and the second is for the stock control. I figured that being illegal isn't the point, so that's how I presented it. With some help of course because I can only program, not formulate fancily."

“You.... what?” The black eyes widened and Hoseok leaned back to look at him. “You patented the software? But why? I had a reason. You changed the structure so much and to the better that I was able to put you as the creator and make the program yours, in addition you kept saying that you needed that job, so that was my way to ensure that they wouldn’t be able to do anything without you even if I’m gone.”

_And you were doing everything to make sure he has a reason to stay, even if you're not enough._

"I had a reason too," he murmured and brushed over Hoseok's cheek. It felt even softer than usual, so the older man must have shaved not too long ago. Even though both of them were trying to make the best of the situation, Hyungwon still got fired and Hoseok didn't really give up on his revenge yet. "The messaging software is genuis. The same is the case with the stock control software. With that nobody will be able to buy illegally and manipulate the system so easily. You made all that, so you should have the credit for it and be able to improve cyber security. The way you always wanted to."

“It sucks,” Hoseok whispered and closed his eyes, inhaling sharply.

"Why?" The reaction surprised him even though he had expected anger back then. He had gotten fired and Hoseok's plan to keep him safe didn't work out, but maybe Hyungwon was still able to support Hoseok in what he wanted to do. Be it with his skills or through his presence. "I wanted you to have a reason to stay, even if that reason isn't me. Your passion is also still there. If the patents go through, the idea will be yours and you can keep improving it, selling it or giving it to the government to catch assholes like Roberto with it. There are so many things you can do and I'd love to be next to you when you do them all."

“You don’t understand,” the older man muttered and lifted one hand, covering his face with it and exhaling sharply. “I planned it all out, tried to be careful, but in the end I am still here and you are hurt because of my revenge and the things that I have done. I didn’t want to involve you, I wanted to protect you somehow. Fuck, I’m so sorry, I can’t keep anything beautiful without hurting it. I- I will fix it somehow, I promise.”

_He's feeling guilty, even though you're the one who didn't listen to his warnings._

"It's not your fault. I'm not a robot who just followed you blindly. I knew what I was getting into, especially the more I saw of you, Hoseok. Matteo hates me because of my relationship with you. It has nothing to do with your revenge. It's jealousy and I'm not sure I could be happy working there. To be honest, I wasn't able to do anything sensible for weeks." He smiled and purposefully ignored the fact that he only stayed because of the mediocre pay. "I'll figure something out. Apply somewhere else where they don't mind students and don't call them hos I guess."

“Do you know that you’re the smartest person I’ve ever met? Like- damn, I’m still overwhelmed by what you showed me back then. They are idiots for not recognizing your potential. You’re a genius. You’re…” Hoseok removed his hand and groaned, black eyes focusing on his face before the older man grabbed it with both palms. “Would you like to start a company? Be a CEO? You could do it, you’re so smart and reasonable and handsome, you would do it all. I still have the half million euro lying around from selling my first company. I kept it in case I had to go back to prison and needed to post bail, so I wouldn't have to wait in jail for the trial. I would like to invest that money into your potential, Mr. Chae.”

_Wait, is he talking about you?_

"W-what?" Hyungwon had no idea what Hoseok was even talking about because in all of his ideas of Hoseok making a company the whole point was that Hoseok was the owner. Hyungwon only wanted to have a computer and a place to play around with code, no more. "I don't even know how that works, Hoseok. I don't know shit about companies apart from the fact that apparently most of them tend to be shady. I thought… you could start a company and I'll help out or something, improve the software and stuff and maybe have enough cash to pay for my apartment. I don't need a lot. I- I can't believe you have half a million euro lying around. Fuck."

“I will teach you. I can teach you all you need to know. You don’t need to do too much because thankfully you are not a person who is trying to make a shit load of money with a tiny idea, you are more the many ideas and let’s see what happens guy. If you think about the quality of development, it’s perfect. Don’t you want to decide yourself how your objects look and what kind of improvements you want to make? I’ll pay for the apartment, don’t worry about it. I have money because I don’t spend it. I never really did.”

_He's crazy._

"You don't understand," he started, speaking carefully because he really wanted to get his point across. "I don't want to do any of this if it doesn't involve you, Hoseok. I don't want a company unless you're going to be right next to me owning that company. This stuff- it scares me. I haven’t even finished university and you're telling me to be a CEO. Can't I just be your program guy and we spend nights together coding?"

He took a deep breath, suddenly terrified by what all of these sudden ideas actually meant. What if Hoseok really decided to make a company but push it all on him to be able to disappear as easily as before. He wanted Hoseok to have a reason to stay, but spending all of his money on him and creating a company for him was not the way he imagined it.

“That- it’s complicated because I don’t want you and something related to you to be associated with any legal matters that… might come up. I could own the company, but then you wouldn’t have any rights apart from the patents and I don’t want you to be forced to run from one company to the next if I’m gone for some reason. If you’re a CEO you wouldn’t have to bother.” Hoseok looked desperate, as if the scenario he was afraid of was closer to reality than it seemed at first.

_Why would there be legal issues? Is there something you don't know?_

"Why would there be legal issues, Hoseok? The only thing that can happen is that they'll want to know more about that evidence we sent in. I'm not going to be a CEO unless you're going to be one with me. I'm not saving my ass while you're endangering your own." Hyungwon cupped Hoseok's face and made sure their eyes met, hoping to see what the man in front of him might not be saying out loud.

“I wish I was capable of making you happy somehow,” Hoseok whispered and looked up at him, arms slowly wrapping around his waist. “The teacher at the orphanage said that one needs to make sacrifices to keep a person. You can’t just live and do whatever you want because if you do, you will remain forever alone. I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with you, so tell me what I’m supposed to do, Hyungwon?”

_Why is his view always so grim? How are you supposed to make him happy in return?_

Placing a kiss on the curved lips, he leaned back and smiled. Hyungwon wanted to be reassuring, to show that there was no need to make any grand sacrifices for him. The things that both of them wanted were already so similar. The older man only needed to allow himself to want them.

_Can't you take him far away from all this? So far that nothing can reach him._

"Start a company," he replied and pressed his forehead against Hoseok's. "But not for me. For both of us. Let's take all those ideas that we have and make something impressive out of them. Maybe not even here, but somewhere else. I just need to finish my studies and then we can go wherever you like. Far from Milan, Roberto and whatever it is that makes you miserable."

Hoseok smiled at him and it looked beautiful, just a tiny difference in how the familiar mouth corners curled told him that it wasn’t quite the real one, the genuine joy and satisfaction that pulled on the red lips. “Can’t run far enough to escape myself, can I?”

_He sees himself as the source of his misery._

"You don't have to," he murmured, worried whether it was okay to address it again. "If it is yourself that you have to run from, then there are people to help you accept yourself, to see that there is no reason to hate yourself this much."

_You can't do this on your own, Hyungwon. If it is as bad as it seems, then he'll need professional help. Help that you cannot provide._

“You keep talking about people, but I don’t know people because people were always somewhere far away, behind a wall. Sometimes I climbed up and looked at them, but they never cared about me, I was invisible and if I wasn’t, I existed as an object to satisfy a certain need. People won’t help me stop being miserable. People taught me that it’s the only thing I should be doing.” Hoseok bit on his bottom lip and he felt the delicate fingers pull at his sides as the dark gaze travelled over the interior of his apartment. “I think this is the first time I was let in to look around. It’s beautiful here because there’s you.”

Hyungwon observed the expression on Hoseok's face for a few moments, the hurt that was present in the older man's memories and was right there for him to see. Usually he would have stayed quiet and embraced Hoseok in the hope that the touch would keep those thoughts away for as long as possible.

_But he'll never know what you think unless you say it._

"Maybe this did," he began and let his fingers run through Hoseok's hair. "But I'm people too and I'm going to keep you safe."

***

If the only person that has ever cared about him wanted him to start a company then who the fuck was he to say no?

_Just that you need to do everything to prevent him getting involved with you legally._

He had called the patent office to ask about the status of the two patents that Hyungwon had submitted and they both went through. The feeling was hard to describe. It was something that resembled happiness that transitioned into an immediate anxiety because it couldn’t be that things went well so easily. It simply wasn’t possible.

_Every time you feel as if things are looking up, life drags you down and stomps on you._

He had the feeling that the dragging down time was imminent, but he successfully drowned it out with sex, welcoming the dizziness Hyungwon could make him feel, the slightly blurry thoughts that didn’t resemble his usual cold and rational analysis of how fucked up his situation was. It was probably dangerous, but he still liked it more. Lying in bed with Hyungwon wrapped around his body and making him feel so much warmer with his elegant long arms and legs, his head that increased the weight on his shoulder, but not in a bad way. In a ‘so that’s how it feels being alive’ kind of way.

_You’re an idiot. Think about where you can rent a place without having to use Hyungwon’s private space for a company._

He sighed and brushed his hair back, inhaling the spring air that smelled like tasty Italian pastries mixed with the delicious scent of freshly brewed coffee as he passed a cafe, unwilling to go by car this time. It took about twenty minutes by foot from Hyungwon’s to his apartment, but the sun was shining and warming the skin of his arms as he carried his jacket even though it was way too warm for it.

_Is it spring or is it you feeling so good being next to him?_

It was probably the second. He could remember last spring, sitting outside during his two hours and staring at the ground, now, his head was lifted and his eyes observed the bright blue sky, cloudless and pure.

_Maybe it’s now? All the good things that are supposed to come to you?_

The thought was nice, but too unrealistic as he reached for his hand, stroking over the broken finger and moving it carefully. It still wasn’t completely healed because he wasn’t physically able to take care of it properly, using it as if his hand was completely fine, lifting the pan, furniture, or Hyungwon’s slim hips.

A smile passed over his features at the last part and he closed his eyes for a bit, enjoying the combination of spring air, the nice memory and the absence of pain of any kind. It felt like a dream, and such a nice one at that.

As all dreams, his wasn’t meant to last as he arrived at his apartment and was welcomed by the old door, open as always and a pretty unusual sight of a letter stuck into the mailbox with his name on it.

_Why would you get letters?_

His heart started hammering in his chest and he took the envelope, pressing it to his chest and walking up the stairs with shaky steps. Who could be writing to him? The patent office? But Hyungwon probably gave his own address and he had given Hyungwon’s address too, so who could it be? There were three possibilities. Hyungwon, Roberto, or…

_The police._

He gasped and shook his head, barely reaching the door and stumbling into the cold room. He thought about locking it, but the police would be able to open it and there was no use, he felt the panic crawling up his stomach, making his heart beat like a drum and hurt just like his lungs and his head.

_Maybe you can finally die, so you don’t have to experience it all the time._

He didn’t want to die, he didn’t because he knew that there was Hyungwon, that the man with the black hair and bent glasses was waiting for him to get a few shirts and come back.

_You need to look at the letter, maybe it’s nothing bad, maybe it’s…_

He inhaled and held his breath, ripping the envelope and holding the few pieces of paper with shaky fingers, almost unable to read because of the tremor.

_Read it, Hoseok._

He gave himself a few seconds to get his shit together as he closed his eyes and breathed a few times, fingers spasming around the piece of paper. He couldn’t rip it, what if it was important, what if it was evidence, his only chance, his death sentence.

_Breathe._

His eyes opened and he focused on some formal Italian, words over words until he saw the part written in bold. The part about him coming to the court building. The one where he was convicted. They wanted him to go back.

_You can’t. You can’t ever go back, just die right here._

Still, even when the evidence shook in his fingers, he thought about Hyungwon and how he couldn’t just die, even if his lungs didn’t get enough air, when his heart felt as if he was about to have a heart attack, a quick and painful death. Unrealistic.

_They want you to go there. You can’t go. You can’t ever go there._

His body shook and he slid down the wall as his legs gave up because the panic was followed by complete numbness and apathy as he threw his head back, staring at the white ceiling and imagining a moldy spot to somehow get used to the fact that there was nothing he could do. Nothing. Not even dying because he was too in love and too attached to the person who waited for him in the small student apartment, cared about him and who he was about to hurt in a way he never imagined he would be able to.

_

His head hurt. Did time pass? Or was it still the same minute when he sunk to the floor and stared at the ceiling? His attention was pulled away from the spot because he heard the door. It could have been the police, so he inhaled and held his breath, waiting for something to happen.

_What if they think that you are guilty just because you had a panic attack? You can’t be losing your shit right now, Hoseok._

When his senses returned, he realized the thirst. He licked over his dry lips and opened his eyes slowly.

The first thing he saw was a pair of simple sneakers, followed by long legs and bony knees as somebody reached for his shoulder and stroked over his hair briefly.

"Hoseok- what happened?" Hyungwon murmured next to him and must have decided that simply stroking over his hair wasn't enough. The boy grabbed his shoulders and lifted him from the floor. Hoseok's muscles spasmed from the motion, telling him that he must have tensed them up for much longer than a minute or two. "If it was that piece of shit, then I'm going to kill him."

When his brain finally started working, he looked around and swallowed. His throat hurt and he didn’t get a word out, so he pointed at the tiny fridge, holding onto Hyungwon’s shoulder. “Can you… water?”

"Of course!" The boy's eyes widened and he jumped up, hurrying over to the fridge and taking out one of the three water bottles that still remained inside. Hyungwon hesitated in front of the cupboard, probably considering taking a glass, until he decided against it and made his way back before offering him the unopened bottle. "What the hell happened? I thought you only wanted to get some shirts."

_You did. What happened?_

Judging by the way his muscles ached, he must’ve had a severe panic attack and spaced out afterwards if Hyungwon came for him.

_The letter._

He inhaled after drinking the whole bottle and stared at the floor where he found the envelope and the few pieces of paper that ended his future.

“I got a letter. It says I have to go back,” he whispered and held onto the wall because saying it out loud made it even more real.

"What?" Hyungwon looked at him as if he was talking bullshit, eyebrows furrowed together. A hint of worry was there too and Hoseok hated that he was the reason for it. "They can't just randomly announce that in a letter and without a trial. That's not how things work, Hoseok. What are they even accusing you of?"

The black-haired boy crawled over to the few pieces of paper and snatched them from the ground before beginning to read them intently, lips pressed into a thin line.

“I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. The only thing that I know for sure is that I have to go back there, but I can’t. I can’t go, Hyungwon and I don’t want to go, but I don’t want to die either, because I’m selfish and the fact that you exist makes me want to stay alive so badly. Fuck.” He sank back to the floor and wrapped his arms around his knees, burying his face in them and inhaling deeply.

"What do you mean by going back?" Hyungwon murmured before Hoseok heard sheets rustle as the younger man switched to the next page. "This is amazing news, Hoseok! It isn't about something that you did at all. Rather the opposite. Somebody finally arrested that piece of shit." Shifting followed as fingers stroked over his head all the way to his jaw and lifted it, enabling him to look at Hyungwon's pretty face. The boy looked relieved, smiling widely and waving the papers next to his face.

_What is he even saying?_

“This- this can’t be. It’s the same place where they convicted me, Hyungwon. It’s the same place and here, see, it’s my name,” he muttered and pointed at his name in bold letters. Hoseok was not aware enough to explain why all of it didn’t make sense and the letter could only mean one thing.

_Because it’s the only thing it can mean. That you have to go back._

"It's the same place because it's a hearing, Hoseok." Hyungwon started speaking a little slower and caressed his cheek, fingers dancing over his skin and removing a few strands of hair from his eyes. "But the hearing isn't about you. It's about Roberto. One of the shareholders must have sued him and the evidence we provided led them to you. He is being accused of the same things that he framed you for, that's why the police asked for your cooperation. You're- you're not the criminal here."

The thoughts were slow at first but then raced so fast that he was almost unable to follow.

_He said that you are not the criminal. You just have to go there to testify._

_But you can’t go._

“I- I can’t go there. That- I can’t go,” he muttered and closed his eyes, breathing quickly because the thought alone made him panic. If he understood it correctly, Roberto was the one who was the criminal, but he needed to testify. Why couldn’t he testify?

_Because you can’t go back there. You can’t._

"You… can't?" Hyungwon seemed a little confused, but didn't really wait for an answer. Instead, the younger man placed the letter on the floor and wrapped his arms around him, warm lips littering his face with kisses. "But nobody is prosecuting you, Hoseok. It's the opposite. I think they are considering that you were wrongfully accused. This could be the chance to get Roberto behind bars without endangering yourself."

“I… I know,” he whispered because he knew, he did, he understood now that the letter wasn’t about him, that it was about Roberto and for him to testify, to maybe finally give the person who ruined his life, broke him, the punishment he deserved, but he couldn’t. “I know, but I can’t go there. I- I won’t get a word out, Hyungwon. Like back then, when he said all those things and I couldn’t speak, I won’t be able to speak and then… and then they will think that I’m actually the one who is guilty, like last time.” It was hard to breathe and he inhaled a few times in a row, trying to hold onto something to not panic again.

Hyungwon didn't say anything at first, merely raking through his hair with his long fingers and exhaling regularly against his hair. The boy seemed in thought, probably looking for a solution that didn't exist.

"Then we need to explain why it's difficult for you, why… you can't even bear the thought of that place." The answer was quiet but Hyungwon's lips were right next to his ear, so he heard it anyway. "If somebody can confirm that it's too much for you, someone credible who might also help you, then it should be fine, shouldn't it? I know you probably don't want to hear this, Hoseok, but I won't be able to help you and neither will you be able to help yourself. But- but a professional might be able to."

_A professional?_

“Do you think that I’m crazy? I mean, you’re probably right, you’ve seen enough of me by now to understand that this won’t go away. I told you that I’m broken, Hyungwon. That person and what happened broke me and now I’m… I’m not even able to make him get the punishment that he deserves. It’s in four weeks, there’s no way that I’ll be able to go anywhere near there.” He let go of the slim waist and hated himself so much. For being unable to do anything when the solution was so close, when Hyungwon had struggled so much to help him, endangering himself and even being fired from his job. All because of him. “I’m so sorry, Hyungwon. I’m sorry that I’m like this.”

"You're not crazy," the boy whispered next to him and took a deep breath. "Whenever somebody next to me says that only crazy people need professional help it makes me really angry, Hoseok. Professional help is probably the only reason why one of my siblings is still alive and I can't bear it when you speak of it as if only 'broken' people need somebody to help them deal with their demons. We all do, but for different reasons."

Hyungwon chewed on his bottom lip and stood up to get another bottle from his small fridge before sitting down on the floor in front of him again.

"I don't know if you'll be able to go there in four weeks and I don't know how much there is that you need help with. I only know that it's okay to ask for help and if it makes it better for you, then it's absolutely worth it. I- I don't mind if you don't carry through with your revenge, Hoseok. I only want you to be happy, so tell me what you need and I'll do my best."

_What do you need, Hoseok? Glue to get your shit together and make it last for a few weeks more before something else comes and you break down again?_

His hands were shaking and he stared at the one darker spot on the carpet next to Hyungwon’s leg. He felt bad for being selfish and for trying to mask his insecurities by painting it in the bright colors of stigma, hoping that the person next to him would deny that he needed help, that he was okay, that he could do it alone.

_But you can’t. You can’t and that makes you feel so fucking useless._

“When I think about what I need… I usually start with having some way to breathe without having to inhale a thousand times and hyperventilate, or to hold my breath, and then there are things that make me so scared that I can’t breathe. Like… like going back to prison. Like not knowing for sure that I’m safe. I’m unsafe and I feel like I could get cut down at any second. I can’t sleep well, I can’t eat well, I can’t be at ease for more than five seconds without having the dread crawling up my throat and making me nauseous. I hate the sounds of doors closing, the metallic sound of the lock, it makes me sweat and curl up on the floor. I force myself to be in this narrow room because I hate narrow rooms. I want to be outside, that’s why I slept in the park the first few nights after I was out, but it was too cold. I can’t handle the thought that people know things about me. I panicked when I found the patent on your table and thought that you were going to do something at first, even though it didn’t make any sense. I could continue like that, you know and it would never stop. There is more broken than whole inside me, Hyungwon.”

"Then-" The younger man inhaled sharply and wrapped his arms around his neck, body shaking a little against his own. "Then let me help you, Hoseok. Even if it's not me, there is somebody who can. There is so much that you are fighting with, but you don't have to. There's a way to make it better, so maybe it's worth trying it? Please, Hoseok. I only want to help you."

_But what if you can’t be helped? What if he waits for it to get better, but it never does?_

“And then… there is another thing that doesn’t let me sleep. I can’t bear the thought of hurting you, Hyungwon. I can’t bear that you might be waiting for me to get better but I will still smash my bones and curl up and scream at you to leave me alone even after getting help. I can’t… I can’t bear it because you don’t deserve it. You deserve so much and I feel like I’m somebody who prevents you from having it all. You lost your job because of me and even though I can throw money around, I know that it doesn’t mean much. I want to make you happy but after all I said it sounds ridiculous, god.” He threw his head back and chuckled, wiping over his eyes and returning his gaze to Hyungwon’s handsome face with its soft features.

"I fell in love with you while seeing you at your worst," the black-haired boy whispered and held his gaze, determination just as intense as Hoseok grew to love it. "What makes you think I'll stop?"

“I don’t think you’ll stop. And that’s what scares me.” Hoseok reached for Hyungwon’s shoulders and wrapped his fingers around them carefully, looking into the big brown eyes. “Do you… do you really think that this can get better? All those shards? Isn’t there a limit to how broken a person can be to get better? Isn’t there like… a point of no return?”

"I don't think there is," Hyungwon whispered and a small smile played around the corners of the boy's lips. "The point of no return is death and I will not allow you to go there. What you seem to misunderstand is that my happiness doesn't depend on whether you get better. It depends on whether you are next to me. I need you and I want you to be with me, but your happiness seems to depend on whether you can improve. I'm sure that you can if you really want to, Hoseok. I'll support you, no matter the outcome."

_Can you?_

He exhaled and brushed his thumbs over Hyungwon’s bony shoulders, feeling genuinely surprised that there was a person like that. Somebody who cared about him enough to stay next to him despite him being broken and malfunctioning, lonely and destructive.

_Maybe you can try, Hoseok. He did so much for you, why can’t you accept some help?_

“I want to. I want to feel again without the fear of losing everything every time that I breathe freely. I will try,” he whispered and leaned in, touching Hyungwon’s full lips with his dry ones and carefully keeping the fragile thought that maybe, just maybe he could feel happy again, because no matter what he wanted, time showed that he wanted Hyungwon more.

_

Waiting downstairs for Hyungwon to come and pick him up so that they could go to the court house felt as if he was the one who was about to get convicted. He had a nightmare, one that was too vivid to forget, images still remaining in his mind when he looked up to the cloudless sky. The dream had been the same one he had a thousand times before. The familiar court building, the grey walls, a stern looking judge, ‘you are found guilty’ and the clicking noise of the handcuffs around his wrists. Maybe that was the reason he always attempted to hurt his hands, because they could take and tie them.

_But it was a bit different this time, wasn’t it?_

This time, the worst part of his dream wasn’t the fact that he was convicted, it wasn’t the clicking noise of the handcuffs and the torturously slow steps echoing in the long corridor towards the prison building. This time it was Hyungwon. Somehow the other man was among the people in the crowd, looking at him with tears running down his golden cheeks. He couldn’t bear it. The sight hurt more than any punch against a wall ever could.

_It changed. You changed._

He became more vulnerable. So easily hurt just by seeing a familiar face that was in pain, disappointed, sad because of him. It felt as if he has been helpless all this time, but suddenly gained an incredibly destructive power of affecting another person in a negative, bad way. Suddenly, his wellbeing was important. He couldn’t hurt himself without recognizing the worry in the big brown eyes, or without bearing the other man’s attempts to help him. He wasn’t just Hoseok who had nothing to lose. He was Hoseok who was afraid to lose everything.

_Because suddenly you gained so much that everything else seems like nothing against it._

The birds sang a pretty, repetitive melody in the Parco Sempione and he remembered almost stepping on Hyungwon’s glasses and cursing at himself for getting involved. He remembered thinking back to his time at the orphanage and how the guys there always attempted to destroy his glasses. He also remembered suddenly feeling sad for the anonymous person and their glasses. Now the anonymous person was turning around the corner and walking towards him with quick steps, one hand lifting towards the handsome face and fixing the bent glasses on the round nose.

_You could laugh if it was a dream, but it isn’t and you still feel like you will pass out in front of the judge._

He couldn’t believe that Hyungwon agreed to accompany him to the court even though he had nothing to do with the lawsuit and Hoseok didn’t want him to be involved with Roberto either, but...

_But you can’t do it alone. You need him to keep sane, to understand that this is not a repetition of what happened to you before._

Hyungwon didn’t have to, fuck. Last time his boyfriend was the one who testified against him and this time… what was their relationship even?

_You’re not even in a relationship, are you? You never talked about it. You can’t be in a relationship if he never agreed to be with you._

His eyes widened and he pushed himself off the wall and walked towards Hyungwon quickly, before stopping right in front of him and grabbing his small face with both palms.

“Would you- date me?” he murmured, staring at the handsome man like a mad person. “I’m not asking that because of the testimony, I’m asking because I was so busy hating Roberto that I didn’t realize that I never told you that there is no person I’d rather be with.”

_This sounds so nice when you leave out the part about being worthless and feeling unsure whether somebody might consider being with you a positive thing. You still feel it, but it sounds better without._

Hyungwon's eyes widened at first, big despite those thick lenses that made them seem smaller than they actually were. The younger man wrapped his hands around his forearms, holding on lightly as several expressions passed over his features. Hoseok recognized surprise, followed by sudden awareness that ended with a hint of amusement. The smile that blossomed on the plump mouth as a finish was his favorite.

_He is so incredibly beautiful when he is happy._

"I- I can't believe we never even talked about this. Maybe I'm just not used to talking about the status of a relationship after being a dirty little secret for such a long time." Hyungwon inhaled sharply and bit down on his bottom lip. This time it wasn't a sign of nervousness, but rather an attempt to contain how widely he was smiling. "Of course I want to date you, Hoseok. There isn't a single thing I'd rather do."

_Now you are officially in a relationship._

He grinned brightly and leaned in to kiss the boy’s thick, red lips. They tasted like spring, or maybe it was the warm air, but for a brief moment, that particular moment, he felt as if he didn’t need anything else.

_Apart from finally opening your mouth and saying what he has done to you._

The smile disappeared from his lips as fast as it appeared and he leaned back, glancing towards his car. “Thank you so much for coming with me,” he murmured and unlocked it, gesturing for Hyungwon to get in. “I should hate myself for asking you to date me before driving you to a court hearing, but I can’t think about anything else apart from my own anxiety and the slightly disgusting calmness that you are with me and I can rely on you like a child.”

"But that's exactly what friends and boyfriends are for, Hoseok. You rely on them and they rely on you." Hyungwon was still smiling even though the look in his eyes told him that the younger man had realized how quickly his mood changed. "I'll be here for you, no matter what happens and in turn you'll be there for me when I break down and cry because you hold my hand in my favorite park and kiss me where everybody can see."

“I want to kiss you everywhere. Apart from that prison building. I had a nightmare last night. It’s like the incorporation of the void that I was swallowed by when I got convicted. I wanted to explain it to you because you were in my dream too and it hurt to see you being hurt and I understood how scared I am to go back because I have so much to lose. I have you to lose and I wouldn’t be able to bear it. But then, I also thought about simply going somewhere else, but the feeling… that lack of safety, that cloudy blurriness when I get a letter that looks slightly official, that one won’t go away. I need to try it. I need to try opening my mouth for the first time and say all the things that I couldn’t. Because now the person I cherish isn’t the one who is trying to put me in jail, but the one who came with me to help. I’m so thankful, Hyungwon. I’m so fucking thankful, even though I know that you have nothing to do with it. That it’s my personal prison I’m trying to escape.”

He drove towards the court and felt his hands get clammy around the wheel, he started to sweat and his lips turned dry.

"It has everything to do with me, Hoseok. The man I love is trying to make a change for himself and to pay back the guy who hurt him so much." A warm palm landed on his thigh the way it always did when they drove somewhere and Hyungwon squeezed in reassurance. "I'm thankful that I met you. Thankful that you saved me and gave me back my glasses, thankful that you appreciated my skills and felt the same excitement as I made my way through cyber defenses and so fucking thankful that you ended up falling in love with me and feeling the same way I do. You're going to rock this, Hoseok and afterwards we'll celebrate with some delicious tagliatelle and have amazing sex."

He really hoped he would be able to get something into his stomach and get an erection after having to go into that building, see Roberto and talk in front of a judge, but he nodded and smiled as he parked his car and turned off the engine, wiping his hands on the fabric of his jeans. There was no real way to explain to Hyungwon how grateful he really was, how the mere presence of the man next to him, the slim fingers on his thigh gave him reassurance that no facts ever could.

_Because he is so real._

Sitting next to Hyungwon and feeling the warmth of his fingers made Hoseok feel as if he wasn’t a real person, as if he was faking his existence in a way. Talking so much, explaining, acting as if he was sleeping well, eating well, handling things and as if he didn’t want to empty the contents of his stomach somewhere close by.

_But you do._

The saliva collected in his mouth and before he was able to say anything, he quickly opened the door and stumbled out, running to the closest tree and vomiting the liters of water that he drank because he was so nervous. His hand was spasming as he held onto the tree and reached into the pocket of his jeans to take out a tissue and at least wipe his mouth. He expected that to happen, but he thought he would have had time to run to the bathroom and not do it in front of Hyungwon.

_Maybe you won’t vomit in front of the judge then._

Hoseok coughed and turned around, wiping the tears from the corners of his eyes and stumbling back to the car. Holding onto the roof, he glanced at Hyungwon who walked around and looked at him in complete silence.

_It must look messier every day for him. Instead of getting better, you’re getting worse._

“I feel fake,” he muttered. “I don’t like talking, but I feel like explaining everything a thousand times because I’m so scared that you will misunderstand me and I don’t want you to. I don’t feel good when I can’t be alone for a while, but I keep wanting to be next to you because I’m scared that you won’t be there if I decide that I need to sit in my cell like room and stare at the ceiling for days. I feel like throwing up, but I force myself not to because it looks as if I need help. I want it to stop. I just want to stop thinking and be myself but I have no idea who I’ve become.”

"Maybe I don't quite understand because I don't feel that way, but…" Hyungwon paused and stepped a little closer, fingers fumbling in the pocket of his tight jeans until he pulled out a package of chewing gum and handed him a piece. "But I won't leave just because you need to be alone for a bit. You don't have to pretend to be fine next to me, Hoseok. I also have my demons, but you deal with them too. It's not love because of something, but despite everything."

Smiling softly, Hyungwon rubbed over his back and gestured towards the car. "I brought some water along if you want to drink something. There are also mints if you're worried about acid in your mouth."

He saw the way Hyungwon was smiling despite the worry that he could see in the other man’s furrowed eyebrows and wondered how it was possible to meet somebody like that.

“I’m not worried about acid in my mouth. I’m worried about how much of me being a mess you can take.”

"A lot," Hyungwon replied before grabbing his jaw with his right hand and holding it in place as he simply leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips. "Because the worst judge is always oneself, Hoseok. You keep acting like there's nothing you've done for me and I'm jumping around you being self-sacrificial for a reason you don't understand. You've done a lot and now we're at the point where it's my turn to help you out. You've already decided to go and that's amazing. Now we're just going to try this out and even if it doesn't work out the way you hoped, I'm still going to be fucking proud of you and celebrate."

Taking his palm and placing the chewing gum inside, Hyungwon pressed one more kiss against his lips before stepping back.

"I just want you to keep in mind that next to me there is no need to talk if you don't want to," the younger man whispered and wrapped one arm around his bicep. "I feel like I can understand your silence too."

The warmth in his chest didn’t come from the burning of the acid. Instead it was a comfortable warmth that accompanied the silence as they walked towards the building where he turned into a different person and now received the chance to make the criminal who did it to him pay for it.

_The hard bit will be the talking._

It was okay when he smelled the distinct scent of the building and it wasn’t as bad when they waited in front of the courtroom. When the doors opened and he was called in, he squeezed Hyungwon’s hand once and entered with shaky steps, keeping the gum in his hand like a talisman and lifted his head with an inhale because this time he wasn’t at fault. He wasn’t a criminal and he didn’t do anything wrong. This time the criminal stood in the dock, eyes widening when he saw him, but Hoseok didn’t care. He didn’t care what Roberto had to say, what he would do, he just squeezed the chewing gum in his fist and focused on answering all the questions truthfully, clearly, once and for all.

_This time it really feels as if somebody finally listened to your part of the story._

When the judge thanked him and told him that he could leave he felt a sudden wave of relief wash over him. He was able to leave the courtroom, the moist grey building and the person that he had been hating so much during the past two years. It still hurt, his eyes burned and his head hurt, the pain of becoming somebody else, the agony of a development he didn’t choose to go through still constricted his chest when he inhaled, but despite all that, he felt as if he could finally let go now. He was able to leave the tunnel for good.

Seeing Hyungwon on the wooden bench, he hurried over and reached for the big hand, intertwining their fingers and pulling the tall man out of the building and into the open without a single comment. Rushing towards the garbage can, he pulled the silver lighter and cigarette case out of the pocket of his jeans and threw them inside, exhaling in relief because the last thing that reminded him of the pulling feeling in his chest was gone.

_Maybe you should’ve done it a long time ago._

Maybe. But he doubted that he would have been ready back then.

The fresh air gave his thoughts a push as they jumped from one topic to another, but mostly he had to think about change. He thought about the difference in how he had felt a few years ago and how he felt now. That there were not only things he gained in life, people he met and fell in love with, but that it was as important to let go of what made him miserable and scared, that held him in an iron grip and prevented him from moving on, from developing, from becoming happier.

_You feel like you can finally breathe now._

His mind was working furiously, but he didn’t say any of his thoughts out loud and enjoyed the silence, calm and knowing that he didn’t need to speak because Hyungwon didn’t expect him to.  
  



End file.
